Mosqito Juice

It's like scratching a mosquito bite. You know you shouldn't do it. But it feels better for a little while. It just itches SO BAD. Ugh.

You know that thing that happens, it's different for everyone. Something happens, someone hurts you, or embarrasses you or really ticks you off. And you just keep talking about it. You call all your girls and talk for an hour with each one about how horrible it is. Scratch, scratch scratch. It's so wrong but it feels so good. Why can't things just go the way you want? Why can't she just change?! Why can't I have my way? And it just keeps getting bigger.

Listen to what I have to say and agree and feel sympathy and tell me how wonderful I am. Scratch, scratch.

All of this righteous indignation. It feels so good for the moment, but all the while you're bleeding. Festering. I don't want to go into too much detail but lets just say there is bacteria involved.

That small mosquito bite turns into a huge disgusting sore. Ugh I hate the word sore, ick.  Don't get me wrong. That mosquito was totally wrong for biting you. It's no fun. Scratch, scratch.

Anyone else know what I'm talking about? Or am I the only one with huge mellow-drama and a bad attitude? I probably am (oh wait am I now being dramatic about my drama??)

Why do we fight it? Why do we push Him away in times like this?

One word. Sacrifice.

Because you already know there is going to be a measure of sacrifice, of surrender. You're going to have to give something up. That temporary gratification of knowing your right and having everyone agree with you and having your ego and pride all puffed up, it can feel so good for just a second. It feels good until you hang up. And then you're alone. With just Him. And the Holy Spirit. And They are working on your heart so hard core. And you know, no matter how justified you are, you can't hold onto it.

Just let go....

You know you should. Let go of that hurt, of that injustice, of that pain, of that excuse, of that justification...of that unforgiveness. I cringe at the word.

Surrender.

Let go of that power and pride and self-ness. Is it really what you want?

You're mine.

You're better then that. You are called to a higher standard. There's a beautiful story, a wonderful ending and that stuff is not worth it. Not even for a day. Not even for an hour. Not even for one phone call just to feel right.

Because your not. Not really. Not if you love Him. It's not about being right or wrong. It's all about love. Sounds cheesy I know. If you're in Him and in His love how can you walk out anything that's not love? How can you possibly feel right about anything when you are really nothing?

Isn't it beautiful that He doesn't let us stay there? In Nothing land?

Come to Me all you who are weary. Come to Me all you brokenhearted and heavy laden. I'm here in that darkness. I'm hear with you. Let Me carry that for you. Let Me be everything to you. Drink from this Cup and you will never thirst again.


 

The Gift of Forgiveness

One afternoon, shortly after my second was born, I was resting in my room while my husband was working on some video editing for our church. He was working on the praise and worship service from the previous Sunday led by Chris Stewart. As I lay there resting, the music came to me. It drifted down the hall and into my room. the sweetest feeling overwhelmed me, covered me. It was like someone was literally handing me a gift and in my mind I saw myself opening that gift.

The gift that I received was that I could give up the unforgiveness in my heart. It was like a garment of forgiveness that I could put on. I felt a complete release of emotion. No anger. No...anything. I wasn't overwhelmed with love but I felt forgiveness for this person. It's been that way ever since. I really believe that it was a gift from Father God. How else can I explain it? One day I despised this person who had hurt and wounded me, who had perpetrated a great injustice towards me. The next minute I felt complete and total forgiveness. It was a miracle, a download from heaven. It's like He became this little handyman and crawled inside my heart, started ripping out bad parts and replacing them with new ones. Like that *snap* it was done. No effort on my part. I underwent heart surgery.

There have been many other things and people that I've needed to forgive since then and unfortunately it hasn't been as easy. The point is, the beauty is, Father knows best. He knows exactly what we need, when we need it. He knows if it's too big to do on our own. It would have been too big for me, letting go of that bitterness. But He met me, right where I was. It mattered to God that I wasn't walking in forgiveness. It hindered my walk with Him. And that mattered. It's beautiful, this love He has for us.

 
I started writing this blog months ago. I just didn't feel like it was the right time to talk about it. Forgiveness is such a tricky thing to talk about it. People have experienced truly despicable hurts and pain. Holding on to those hurts, reliving that same situation and burning again with anger seems like the only way to make the pain ease. How do I explain that it's better to forgive. But the truth is He can heal the wound all together.  Not that we ignore it or pretend like it didn't happen. It just doesn't matter any more. That's a hard thing to tell people when they are going through it. If someone would have come up to me and told me that I just needed to walk in forgiveness to this person and the pain would just disappear I would have had a hard time not slapping them in the face. But remember He's all about doing what feels like the opposite thing you should do. It's the inside, upside down Kingdom where you loose to gain. Where being with Him is all that matters. In His presence all those empty spaces are filled.

I've also had a hard time blogging because of this season. Everything I start to type just sounds cheesy or overdone. So as lame as it sounds, a gift you might want to consider giving to someone, or even yourself is the gift of forgiveness, one of the greatest things you can do right now in this, the season of giving. I wouldn't even think to type such a thing if I hadn't myself already experienced the precious gift. And if it feels too big, or too hard, all you have to do is want, to want it. It's ok not to want to forgive someone. Just want Him and He'll give you exactly what you need. There is always enough grace and strength for you, and more love then you can ever imagine.

$1 Jeans

No this is not a Craigslist add. I want to tell you how really cool my God is.

Today I was at Wal-Mart. I was just picking up some random things, light bulbs, diapers, ect. I walked by the women's department and was thinking about how I desperately need some new jeans. Gone are the days that I spend 70-80 bucks on jeans (that money now goes to pay for things like plumbers to remove baby spoons out of garbage disposals). You see I've lost quite a bit of weight since my 3rd child was born, which is really awesome, but nothing fits and with two kids in diapers a new wardrobe just isn't in the budget. So I'm reminding God about all these things while skimming the clearance rack. Eh nothing there. I move on to the more expensive section and pick out about 4 different pairs. None of them are anything super amazing but like I said, I'm desperate. Only one pair was without a price tag and I thought to myself "of course these will be the only pair that fit and end up being out of my price range." I tried them all on asking the Lord to step in, in some way. A coupon would have been nice. Anyway of course priceless pants are the ones I like best. I asked the lady for the price. She typed in the numbers and on the little screen pops up the numbers 1.00. I was confused and said. "Does that say 1 dollar?"

"Yep." She says and she smiles.

What?! As in American Dollars? Yep. And in that moment I knew that God loved me. Haha. Can't explain it. Might sound silly to some but I just know I'm His favorite.

He showed me again how special I am to Him and how big He is. I'm sure those pants were originally marked a lot higher then a single dollar. Yet somehow that's how much I paid for them. He's in the details. If you doubt that come check out my brand new, stinking awesome pair of pants. I'm going to remember what He did for me every time I see them. Every time I wear them I'm going to know He provides and He really is freakin' awesome.