The other night I was praying and thanking Him for all that He's been in my life. Somehow I always end up back at the beginning. When He gave His life for me. I can't help but think of it any time I start to really tell Him of my thankfulness. But this particular night when I was praying I was really moved. I saw Him in my mind so clear, almost like I was watching that movie, The Passion. I could probably post some pictures on this blog but I don't think we need any. I see it vividly in my mind.
And I cried.
Not out of sorrow or sadness or anything like that but just out of pure thankfulness. Because I know if the roles were reversed, despite my love for Him, I don't think I would have done the same thing.
I know I would not have done the same for Him.
I would have been like Peter and denied Him to save myself. Yet knowing all of that, He did it anyway. That's what I'm thankful for. He knows all my faults, all my stuff, all my potential for ugliness and still it doesn't change anything. I can't begin to describe how full my heart gets when I think about His love for us.
Can you imagine being there? Seeing Him beaten, bleeding. Wanting to scream at the men to "STOP!" Even knowing what we know now.
He was raised. That the story didn't end with Him hanging on the cross.
So thankful. I'm imagining what my life would be like with out a trace of Him in it. It's a scary thought. Can you imagine it? Where would you be with out Him?
He looks at me and calls me beautiful. Doesn't He see all that's in me? Doesn't He see the darkness that threatens to take over everyday? "Beautiful," He says to me, and I lay my head in His nail scarred hands.
I was telling my 5 year old daughter about the story of Jesus healing the man at the pool of Bethesda. I read to her the story out of John 5. Afterward I asked her what she thought. She said "Mommy, Jesus was pretty cool huh?" I told her that He was for sure very cool and I asked her why she thought so. She said, "Because He can heal people, and because He healed the people nobody cared about." And I'm sitting there in stunned silence and then she says. "I wish we could get in a rocket ship and fly to heaven." "That would be cool," I said "but heaven is not in space and we don't have to go there to meet with Jesus, remember?" "Yeah, He lives in our hearts but I still wish I could just give Him a big giant hug."
Me too, baby girl, me too.