We have some really good friends who are missionaries in Costa Rica right now. They recently updated their blog and my heart is pulled in that direction. Let me give you a bit more of my back story.
I lived as a missionary for two years before I was married. I worked in places like Panama and the Philippines and I would be back in a red hot second if I could...or would I? I was praying about this very thing when I felt like God showed me a bit of my own heart. Ever had that happen? You think you know something about yourself and then BAM He shows you what you really look like.
I pictured myself back at that orphanage in the Philippines. I saw my self holding those babies that were crying out just to be held. Just to have a tiny bit of affection. I looked into those eyes, starving. Starving for nourishment, hungry for love. If I could do something for them I would but what I realized is, I wouldn't give up my life for them. I wouldn't give up my children for them. I wouldn't even give up my children's happiness or security for them. I used to think I would sell everything and leave everyone and go if He called me to. And perhaps I still would but it would be harder then I thought. I think that's ok. I didn't feel any sort of judgement from God only revelation. I've often felt discontent. Like there's more then just being a wife and mother and I'm stuck here up to my eyeballs in dirty diapers while the world needs saving. Yeah I write a nice little blog that I hope is encouraging and yeah more and more people read it every day and yeah my family is involved in church and our community and yes we do give money to missions but geez God NEEDS ME. I mean how can He possibly accomplish anything while I'm here and not...well anywhere but here? I've often felt a little bitter about this (can ya tell?). I've blamed my husband and GOD. I've also felt a little snobbish. Like yeah well I am a stay at home mom but I'm really called to more. But when I prayed for the billionth time about this to God He showed me that that's not really what I want after all. I really do love being a mom. I really do love staying home with my children. I even like homeschooling for crying out loud! Even if someone gave me a few thousand dollars today to go to that orphanage just to hold those babies I would really have think about it. Now when I see those children in my mind I see my own right beside them. I know there are families out there who live the missionary life and their children are apart of that. I think that's great and who knows? Maybe that could be my life one day but the point is. It's not really what I want. It's not really my desire. Not like before. I'd rather be here.
This is a very big deal for me. Huge. How many hours have I spent in despair, wrestling with feeling like I'm not fulfilling my "calling"? Sometimes I think we just get stuck with certain thoughts and feelings over something. I never even wanted children. I thought perhaps I would adopt a hundred of them but I never. EVER. wanted to give birth. Can you imagine?? No that just wasn't for me. If someone told me then that I'd have 3 children and a mini van by the time I turned 24 I would have laughed in their face. And then rebuked them in the name of Jesus! I had dreams. I had plans.
Maybe you are like me. Have you ever had a dream that didn't come true and you feel...well, bad about it? However that looks like for you. Bitterness, resentment, anger, disappointment, sadness, despair? Would you really bring that to the Father. I pray that He would shine His light on that and reveal the truth. I ask that He would show you your own heart like He did me. Would you ask Him to put a dream in your heart that's straight from Him. I want to fulfill one of God's desires. And for me that looks like me staying home raising my kids, spoiling my man, and running this house. It means being involved in my community and a lot of prayer. I have seen things a lot of people haven't. And some how I know it's because it has prepared me for something. I've seen starving children, families literally dieing of starvation and I know my children will be taught to be thankful for everything. I do have something to offer the Kingdom and I'm doing it. Right now, where God has called me. I'm not missing out on anything. I am on the "front lines" I am in the trenches. Any of you with young children know what I'm talking about.
He has put a love for the lost in my heart. It breaks for people who don't know Him or His love. That's not wasted in this life I have now. I will always have a heart for missions and I know one day I will go again. But I can rest and know that this is where I want to be. This is where He wants me to be. Praise God!
This is enough for me today:
“We have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us.
God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God
abides in him.” 1 John 4:16 NASB
Abide in Him today....