Monday, August 8, 2011

Day 6- My Shattered Pride

Day 6 for me was Saturday. Like most people I love Saturdays. I meet with a group of women every Saturday morning for a couple hours and it is like oxygen for us all. We call it a D-Group, meaning Discipleship Group and we talk about our lives and the Lord and the Word and our struggles and we pray and sometimes we even party. It's wonderful. Without these women I probably would not have been able to do this fast. (If you'd like more info on exactly what a D-Group is and how you can start one or hook up with one just leave me a comment.) These women know everything there is to know about me. I've confessed to them, shared my heart and yet I was still completely nervous knowing I was going without makeup up until I walked through the door. Then it was like I literally forgot all about it. These women love me in a way that has absolutely nothing to do with what I wear or how I look, just like I love them. It inspires me to see others this way. To look at strangers and not see what they are wearing but wonder who they are on the inside. To know how God feels about them. That's how I want to be seen. Not for my insecurities or for the masks I use to cover my insecurities but loved for my heart.

You know what I've heard throughout this whole week? When I tell someone about my fast (which, honestly I didn't tell that many people, mostly I just pretended like nothing was any different) I would always here the same thing "You're not wearing any makeup??" I thought the same thing every time "How could they not know?" How could they not see that this face isn't my best? A lot of people told me I was beautiful but I honestly didn't get it. Especially if I knew them already. If someone saw me with all my makeup and then without and said they didn't notice...??? What? Well I realized that after talking to my D-Group girls that our mask really only covers about 10% of the 100% we're trying to hide. So if a person gets to know us and they see the 90% all the time then when you take away that 10% it doesn't make that big of a difference. I think that is so interesting. We cling to that 10% with all our might thinking we can hide behind it but when someone really gets to know us it's like trying to hide behind a dinner plate. "Like umm I can still see you". And when you remove that shield it's almost like, "Oh good because that was just kind of silly anyway." Does that make sense to anyone else? Maybe that's why it is ok to were makeup ya know? As long as it stays around 10% it's ok because for the most part you really do let people see who you are. I know there are different things that we do hide and are much more successful but when it comes to makeup for me it didn't make all that much difference. I think that's a good thing now. I'm relieved that those who love me still love me without makeup and that it doesn't really change who I am.

This may not have anything to do with anything but I really wanted to share the scripture I was reading. It really moved me. The whole chapter is really good but I highlighted a couple verses.

Psalm 51 MSG

 16-17 Going through the motions doesn't please you,
      a flawless performance is nothing to you.
   I learned God-worship
      when my pride was shattered.
   Heart-shattered lives ready for love
      don't for a moment escape God's notice.

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