One of Those Days

Ever had one of those hair pulling, scream out loud, make you want to cuss, foot stomping, fist pounding days?

What do you do when that happens? I'm still learning how to handle these times like a mature Christian adult woman and not like my 3 year old. But I gotta say, it's hard! After fighting the urge to rant and vent on Facebook or call my friend and rage about the injustice of it all, not too mention doing all the things I mentioned above, what do I do with all this negative energy?? I'm sure there are lots of books out there on how to handle "those" days. They probably recommend finding an outlit, a way to displace all that negative energy into something positive, like doing things like yoga, meditation, taking a walk, or keeping busy with a hobby like gardening or wood working or, I don't know say, blogging. And those are all well and good and I do plan to go pull some weeds in a bit after I'm done blogging. But I'm really trying to discover how I can stop and in, not just those disappointing moments or moments of heart break, but also times of frustration and even joy and let the Father breathe life into every part of the situation and my heart. I want to share every aspect of my life with Him.

Warning: Rabbit Trail Ahead:
How does He do it? How does He love us so? We are such a frustrating species! Sheesh, I mean really. I feel like generally speaking I'm a pretty loving, forgiving, good natured person. It's in my personality to go with the flow, take life as it comes, not stress about things. I'm usually not easily angered and just being a parent has taught me sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo *deep breath* sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo so so so much patience. AND YET, still I find myself so frustrated at times with people. And I know I must really frustrate people too. A LOT. And by people of course I mean my husband. So HOW does The Father do it? Just love us despite it all? I want to be more like Him in this area. I want to love people even when they are frustrating.

Choking back my sentiment, I refrain from blasting on Facebook or from gossip. Instead, I fall humbly in worship. And in that weak and vulnerable moment, I know He sees me. He sees my heart. He sees my frustration. He sees the injustice. But He also sees my own weakness. And He doesn't blast me. He doesn't shame me for my judgement or lack of compassion or understanding. He doesn't expose my own lack of consideration for people at times. He just loves me. In that moment The Spirit comforts me and breathes peace on my soul. I no longer feel the need for retribution. Forgiveness comes easy. Can I learn to walk in such grace all the time? Can't this be my initial response? It can be so hard sometimes to choose to die to your own desires and instead choose to be more like Him. But the more we offer up of ourselves the more He gives back of all that He is. The more like Him we are the more we gain in the end.

Sure there are times when the truth, spoken in love needs to be said. Absolutely. But this can't be done out of our own sense of what righteousness is or our own desire for justice or retribution. It must come from a place of true compassion and true forgiveness and yes, relationship; if speaking the truth only makes YOU feel better it's probably best left unsaid at the moment. Trust Pappa to be the one to handle it in His own way in His own timing.

It's amazing what just being in His presence can do. My frustration was totally deflated and my attitude totally changed. It might sound too easy but Jesus is really the answer to every problem. Re-calibrating, bringing Him back to the center of my focus, of my life is how I can handle stress, frustration, disappointment, injustice, and even success and blessing. He is the well from which we can draw out every resource. We do not have to be dependent on our own ability for self-control or patience and thank God for that! Because I'd be a screaming, head banging, foot stomping, fist pounding lunatic right now.

Walking Through Disappointment

Someone asked me a while back when I was going through a really difficult season of my life how I was able to stay positive. My response was that for most people somewhere a long the line lies disappointment, whether that be financial struggles, health issues with your child or parent, or even just a lack of relationship and dependence on the Father. I told my friend that I was choosing to trust that this life is not the end of the story, that I still had so much to be thankful for and that if I trusted Him, fixed my eyes on things above, I could get through anything. The truth is this life can easily be filled with disappointment, disappointment in others, ourselves, or even filled with the deception that somehow God disappointed us. This world is full of heart ache but it's not forever. How do we make it through those hard seasons of disappointment? How do we still live a hopeful, joy-filled life in spite of experiencing crushing disappointment? I want to share with you a few things I've learned so far, a few pearls of wisdom that haven't failed me yet and have really got me through those barren places of my life.

Number 1: Forgiveness 
I don't think I could say enough about it. The act of giving and receiving forgiveness has completely and utterly transformed my life and set me free. Let me stop right here and say I've been wrestling with this blog post for a few days because of this lesson on forgiveness. I don't take lightly how hard the message of forgiveness can be. While praying about it a little while ago I asked Pappa, "Why isn't forgiveness one of the fruits of the Spirit?" And this is what He said, "It's not a fruit because it's the tree." Forgiveness is the Spirit. Forgiveness is Jesus and when He's planted within you, you have the ability to forgive. All those other fruits are fruits of that Tree of forgiveness, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. We couldn't have any of that if it weren't for the forgiveness that was planted in our hearts to begin with. It's a gift. Just as He's given us forgiveness He has lovingly given us the ability to forgive others. I believe it's because we were never intended for a life where forgiveness was necessary. Unforgiveness is part of this world and it leads a dark and miserable place that He doesn't want any of us to live. When we're not able to forgive in our own strength He gives us grace to walk forgiveness out one day at a time, one minute at a time sometimes. And sometimes He can change our hearts in an instant, whether that's through a change of perspective or a deeper revelation about the situation or a miraculous healing of our hearts. And as we forgive we are set free. Free of the hurt. Free of bitterness. Free of the dread of running into the person we need to forgive. Free from fear, and I've come to realize that fear is largely linked to unforgiveness issues. The gift of being able to forgive others is so overwhelmingly loving on the Father's part. He understands the world we live in and the likelihood of the hurt we are liable to experience. Instead of having to carry all that hurt and pain around we can let it go through forgiveness and experience freedom. Please know I don't mean to trivialize any hurt or offense you may have experienced. I know this is not a Disney movie. I'm not so naive that I don't understand serious trauma and dysfunction others can cause us. But I can testify that no matter what the offense, you can be free from it. Why does He let those hurts happen to us in the first place? Well that's a blog for another day, and I don't have the answer other then it's just part of dysfunction of this world. I've asked Him many, many times why and you know something? He doesn't ever have an answer for me either. He's only ever given me a deeper understanding of His love for me and even the love He has for those who hurt me. And sometimes that's STILL not enough for me. But His grace is sufficient to get me through it in that moment as I surrender and allow Him to move in my heart and as I lean into His gift of forgiveness.

Number 2: Forgiveness
Ha! See I told you I couldn't say enough about it! But this time I want to share the other side of the coin that is the gift of forgiveness. I struggled for a long time with not being able to receive forgiveness. I believe that was largely in part to the fact that I'm acutely aware of my unworthiness and likelihood to mess it all up again and again. How could I receive His forgiveness when I know in my heart I'm just going to sin again. But the truth is, He is worthy. What does that have to do with forgiveness? His ability and willingness to forgive is His prerogative. Is it right for me to doubt His grace? Or the amount of grace He's capable of? He is worthy of my surrender. My surrender to His will, to His desire to move on my heart, and His ability to forgive me no matter the sin. By not receiving that grace I've put myself in a place of pride and false humility and that's one place I've learned is not fun either! He's so worthy of our trust and surrender so let go of that veil of shame and let Him cleanse you, again and again and again.

Number 3: Hope for Today
I think the biggest joy killer and peace robber is worry. We all know that right? I mean that's kind of old news. But how do you walk that out? When money is so tight and you don't know how you'll pay the next bill? What will those test results mean for your child and family? What if the house doesn't sell? What if you don't get that job? What if God doesn't heal you? What if your husband never gets free of addiction? What if there will never be peace in your home? Now, now don't worry...Yeah. Right. At least that's how I used to feel in my own valley of disappointment. But somehow, you can shut all that down even for just a second. Focus on the right now of the moment. Close your eyes and ask yourself, "Where is God?" He's with me. Breathe. What's He saying? He's saying He loves me. He's saying I'm beautiful. He's saying I'm enough. He's saying He is enough for me and I choose, in this moment to believe Him. Right now. Today. He's enough. I have hope that He will fulfill that promise just for today. When you have nothing for tomorrow, no idea how it will work out, you can have hope, just for today.

Number 4: Perspective
So I hope I'm alone in saying that upon occasion I may or may not have the tendency to be slightly self absorbed. But I wouldn't blame you if I'm not the only one. It's SOOOOO easy to do these days. Everything around us encourages us to live life all about ME and to want what we want NOW. It can be so easy to get caught up in our own drama, and sometimes it's kind of superficial like spilling coffee on our shirt on the way to work or getting a flat tire with a van load of kids. And a lot of our drama is #firstworldproblems. But. Sometimes we have legitimate drama, real heart wrenching, gut clenching issues and sometimes we've just barely got our heads above water so excuse me for not caring about your expensive phone being dropped in the toilet drama. Am I right? Maybe you're in that disappointed place and you just wish the people around you would get some perspective! You've got your own problems. So you are probably thinking this lesson is about teaching those superficial people about getting some perspective right? Don't you know me by now? The truth is if you're in a valley, and I know this next part is gonna hurt, Pappa's going to use it. He's going to grow you in a way others will never understand. This low place is really an opportunity to go deeper, deeper in Him, deeper in trust, deeper in faith, deeper in love. And that is the perspective I mean. So when I say to get perspective I don't mean, be happy to eat your vegetables because of all the hungry children in the world, (although that is true and you should) what I mean is set your sights on things above, on things eternal. "Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." (Hebrews 12:1-3). I know looking up when you carry such a burden can be really, really hard and it takes a lot of self control. But you can do it one moment at a time. It's why He gives us daily bread. Hope for today. Provision for today. Grace for today. Peace for today. That's all you need every day.

5. Thankfulness
Now here is where I say be happy and eat your vegetables because there are starving children in the world. I wasn't going to include this one in this blog because I thought it was a little too obvious. Yet, I know, for me at least, I still need to be reminded. Often. This IS a fallen world and there is always someone going through something worse then I am. Maybe something about my situation is so disappointing but my children are all healthy. Not every parent can say that. At least I HAVE children, not everyone who wants a child can have one. You get the idea. Maybe it's an issue with your spouse. Maybe it's hard to be thankful for the one God gave you right now. Can you find one thing you appreciate about them? Often times it will be the one thing that drives you the most crazy! At least it is for me. My husband is a rock. He's solid and dependable. When he commits he always follows through. He's not flighty or tossed to and fro. He doesn't scare easy and he's not easily provoked. And that makes me crazy sometimes! Why? Because I'm the total opposite and could be quoted in saying I feel like he's the rock tied around my neck dragging me down! But only in my most dramatic moments of course, because I am thankful for those qualities. He's saved us from some pretty horrible ideas I've had that at the time seemed brilliant. But seriously, maybe it's just a small tiny thing you can hold onto for today. I'm thankful for clean water, and a working washing machine, and children who sleep through the night, and breakfast in the morning. Those are small things to me but I guarantee you someone wishes desperately that they had what I have.

So there you have it. 5 simple steps to help walk through disappointing times in life with hope and joy. Simple right? But definitely not easy! Please share in the comments below if you are walking through something and would like prayer or if you have your own experience and lesson that has helped get you through hard times. Somewhere up there I should have included how much it helps to be encouraged by loved ones who truly see you and care about what you're going through even if it is superficial. Nothing is superficial to Him, He cares about what you care about!

Blinding, Heart-stopping, Jaw-dropping Perspective

It all started on Easter. Naturally. Our pastor asked us to ask the Lord if anything was coming between us and Him. Kind of a check up on your relationship type thing. Feeling very confident that nothing was up I asked Him. Immediately He said, "You are mad at Me. For not healing your jaw and not moving in your finances the way you want."

*gulp* Um yeah. Pretty much. And I basically agreed that was true and that I wasn't going to deal with it just that moment.

Let me put a pin in this post right there and rabbit trail for a minute. God can handle your sin. He can handle your stubbornness and your disobedience. He can even handle a closed door. Or a wall. Or whatever else you may throw up between you and Him. It's why He says He stands at the door and knocks. He doesn't just occasionally stop by and knock or walk away frustrated altogether. He stands there. And knocks. For as long as it takes. Days, months, years. Obviously He would much rather we be more open and receiving but He can handle it when we can't. In fact, I feel closer to Him knowing I can trust Him with the fact that I'm just not ready. I don't think He's mad at me or waiting to punish me. Course hind sight is always better and in the end I always smack my forehead and swear I'll never do it again but it's inevitable. This is not to be confused with misusing grace. I understand the fact that He's merciful and there's grace but there are also consequences in not obeying right away and there is love in that too. I'm just saying if you're struggling with something that He's repeatedly "knocked on your door" about you don't have to walk around in guilt in shame. Just simply be honest with Him, and ask for His help. It's all in daily bread folks.

So He was right. Under my cheerful exterior, and honestly my delight in Him, I was mad at Him for not healing my jaw. I haven't shared with many people that I have been struggling pretty seriously with chronic pain from my TMJ since October last year. Most days it's a mild tingly tightness and gum swelling like what happens if you go a long time without flossing and then floss. But some days it's bad enough I can't chew or talk much. But twice now I've had flare ups so bad that all I could do was walk around my house night and day crying for several days at a time. Literally. And I've asked more then once for Him to heal me or questioned why I haven't been healed. I could write more about all of this and one day I will but that's not for today. I know many struggle with chronic pain and I've definitely grown in my compassion for them. And I do NOT have the answer.

He was also right when He said I was mad about our finances. I hope I don't sound like a spoiled brat when I say I've wanted "more" because truthfully our lives are so full. Full of love. Full of joy. Full of peace. I love our bigger then average HUNGRY family of 6. I love my middle class neighborhood and house. I love my junky van that the kiddos can full-on trash out (And they do. Often.) or that doesn't even lock and who cares because it's not worth much anyway. (I'm totally serious and I can't help but chuckle as I write about it.) But I would be lying if I said that I was happy about having to work. so. dang. hard. I've felt like we are very much just spinning our wheels and not getting anywhere at times. I know we're not alone in that. Many are struggling and again I do NOT have the answer. I've asked more then once for Him to do something about it. To bless us. To prosper us. Not in a name-it-and-claim-it kind of way but in a genuine ease-our-burdens Father, kind of way.

*sigh* So like I said, I basically had a reality check, that yes I was mad about it, but no I was not ready to deal with it. I did ask Him to help me. I did just trust Him with it. I trusted Him with my confusion, my disappointment, my hopes, my goals, my dreams, my pain, and my fear.

That was on Easter. Between now and then I have heard countless testimonies. Just testimony after testimony of His great favor and provision. New cars. New houses. Financial blessing. Restored relationships. New jobs. New ministries. Miraculous healing.  And I'll be honest. I was getting a little crabby about it. Not with any of those sharing the testimonies because truthfully I can rejoice with them. I've learned that if you can't rejoice with those on the mountain top despite being in the valley, no matter how long, you may not share in the view from up top. Let me just emphasize right here that things can change in an instant! So never begrudge your brother or sister their victories. Let it encourage you not discourage you.

That being said I can't say I wasn't getting a little annoyed with my Pappa about it. Truly I could see He is at work in many of my friends lives but just as many of us are still waiting, desperately at times, waiting for Him to intervene. I was starting to be a little "elder brother-like" in my heart towards Pappa. "Here I am plowing away and you throw them the party??" "Don't you see me toiling away here?" "What did they do that I haven't done?" "Haven't I been a good girl?" "Haven't I done everything you've asked me?" And as ugly as that is, and knowing it, and also casting down many other equally ugly thoughts from the enemy, I knew I could still trust Him with my longing and questioning heart. Even when I don't understand His heart He always understands mine. Always.

So I made a choice. I was through feeling this way and I wanted to talk it out and get help with prayer from a few brothers and sisters I trusted. And I really want to encourage you. When you've been struggling with something, no matter what it is, talk to someone about it. Sometimes just saying it out loud can totally deflate the enemy's lies. Sometimes we wrestle with something so long that it just grows in our mind. I made a plan to do just that. I even made an appointment but due to some unforeseen circumstances completely out of my control I wasn't able to make it. And I didn't feel "off the hook" I felt even more annoyed. Like, "um, see? I am being a good girl here. What's the deal??"

That night, the night of my missed appointment, the night I was feeling even more hopeless about my attitude and disappointed about my circumstances, I had a dream. I often dream. And this may seem weird but sometimes I believe my dreams are real. Like somewhere, in the supernatural realm, heaven, or where ever my spirit is when I'm sleeping my dream is reality. In a reality that's different from this one, this earthly reality I live and breathe on a day to day basis, I visit in my dreams. And in this dream I was somewhere far away, somewhere "space" like. There was darkness, mostly it is what I would imagine looking out from the moon would be like. I could see stars. It was quiet and loud at the same time. Like when you're underwater, everything is muted but the sound of the water and your heart beat are in your ears. Then I was with a crowd of people. And we were worshiping. It was a roar of praise yet I still had that underwater sensation. And our worship grew and grew to the point that it was so utterly overwhelming that I couldn't take it. I couldn't do ANYTHING but give Him my EVERYTHING. And I was desperate to do so. So desperate to scream and shout of my love for Him but so choked up by His love for me I couldn't speak. And there was light. Blinding, piercing, all consuming light but at the same time it was still the dark space-ness. Like the light was in me. In my head and heart and coming from me but also stabbing me and blinding me and shattering me at the same time. Finally I couldn't take it and I fell to what must have been the ground. I felt sand on my face and could see the feet of those around me. And as I looked off into the distance I could see Earth. It was a view from space. I could see the atmosphere. I could see the clouds of His glory cover the earth as we sang, as we gave our all He poured out His all over the earth.

And I woke up. And it's like, how do I breathe? How do I be human again? How do I have any bitterness or resentment towards Him in my heart after that? When I gave my all and was pierced by Love's light? Oh sure I could function. I could talk to my husband and make dinner, and clean, and homeschool my kiddos. But on the inside I walked around in a daze, blinded by that light, unable to really make sense of it all. Finally, a few days later, He began to explain it. It's all perspective. I made an appointment to receive prayer and encouragement when all I really needed was to lay down and die. HA that's all! But seriously, I saw the earth and realized what mattered. His glory, His presence, His light changes everything.

Later that day, while making lunch for my little hungry beasts, er, I mean my little darlings, my 3 year old suddenly starts freaking out. This is not that unusual so I didn't panic. He was extremely upset because he wanted to use a particular cup but my 8 year old daughter wanted it and wasn't going to give it to him. I intervened and gave the 3 year old the cup. Now before you judge to harshly my parenting skills let me explain that for the past few months we've been working with my daughter on appreciating her age, that despite the extra responsibilities there are many freedoms that come with being the oldest. So after the jolly 3 year old skips out the door with his cup and a lecture on not screaming I looked my girl in the eye. I held up my hands and made a circle with my thumbs and fingers. I said, "this is your brother's world. He lives in a world where there are special cups and special toys and special pop-cycles and special flowers and special TV shows." Then I made the circle a little bigger and said, "this is your world. You live in a world where there is computer time, and sleepovers, and soccer, and summer camp." Then I went back and forth with the "worlds" and asked her, "which world do you want to live in? This world? (small) This world? (big) Special cups? Or special sleepovers with friends?" She of course chose her world over his and walked off happy with her cup. And in my spirit I could see His great big hands, "This world? or This world? Where houses and cars and 'toys' are special? Or where My Spirit covers the earth and the most important thing are souls?"

As we grow in this understanding we can get bogged down and feel like all we want is the "special cup" right now. But with our "age" or maturity in our relationship with Him we can see that despite the extra responsibilities like the not-so-fun fruits of the Spirit: self-control, long suffering, patience, gentleness, kindness, to name a few, we see that there are also many freedoms that come with this understanding, love both given and received, joy, peace, a life filled with His glory.

Which world do you want to live in? A world with stuff? Or a world filled with blinding light and fierce love?
Perspective....

Just Stop

Do you ever just stop what you're doing and let yourself be swept away in the moment, swept away in the sound of His voice? That Peace calling your name, "Come dance with Me."? I don't nearly as often as I should. I get busy, I get distracted. I get tired. But sometimes I stop. Sometimes I acknowledge His persisting and I join Him in the song, in the dance. He sweeps me away, close to His heart. And He fills me with joy, with peace, with everything I didn't even know I needed. My children are so much better at this. When they hear His song, which I normally have worship music playing and lately that's been Awe by Christ Stewart, they just stop what they're doing and twirl. They just twirl and twirl. They close their eyes, they lift their hands, and the heart cry is always, "I love You, Jesus." I know this type of in-the-moment, swept away, awe takes many forms for many people. Sometimes I'm just playing the piano, practicing so my students don't over take me HA!, when suddenly I I feel that nudging, "Take My hand, come away." and I begin to play a song not of myself but a song of heaven. Sometimes I see His face in the smile of one of my children. I see that drooly baby grin and I feel His warmth overwhelm my heart. I can't help but soak in that moment and worship Him with all the trust in my heart, trust for that baby, for my family. Sometimes I'm out working in my garden and there's sweat, and muscle strain, and dirt. And as I dig deep in the earth I hear His whisper, "Go deeper, come, I have hidden treasures you could never imagine." And when I see those tiny sprouts my heart is full of hope and trust that He's not through with us yet. He's a live, and on the move.

It's in the heart of each of us to love Him. Passionately, intimately, fiercely love Him and I know it sounds cheesy to say but it's because of His great love for us. It's because He's always calling that He created us with the need to answer. And He's always speaking. I've heard many sermons about how sometimes there are periods of time God doesn't talk to us and I have to say I believe that's false. He's ALWAYS speaking. He's always calling you closer. Always. If He is the Lover of our souls how could He keep silent? If you went days, weeks, or months without talking to your spouse do you think maybe there might be something wrong? I'd like to challenge you by saying if you're not hearing His voice there's something wrong. And it's nothing to be ashamed about. It's easy to get to a place of distance with Him. So easy to look away, to be distracted, to not even realize you've started to wander off. And I don't mean just wander away in "sin" at least not by the typical definition. You can be active in church, reading your Bible daily and follow all the laws and rules that keep us on the straight and narrow but still have wandered away from the warmth of His embrace. There's temptation everywhere. I think that's why Pappa is speaking this to me today. The way to keep this from happening is to just stop. Stop what you're doing when He calls and just be with Him.

I thought I'd share a tiny bit of what this looks like for us. And don't mind the basket of laundry, or art projects on the floor. Don't mind the jiggly camera because of the curious baby. Just stop, see that life doesn't have to be perfect or put together for Him to love you and to call you and to see you and to want to be with you. Life doesn't have to be clean or orderly for you to be swept away by His love. In fact, in my experience He likes it a little messy.

No Borders, Boundaries, or Personal Space

Personal Space. We all need that right? You have to have balance. You can't say yes to everyone. You can't be pouring out your heart to people constantly because you'll get burn out. You can't volunteer for everything and you can't DO everything. Sometimes you just gotta say no. Sometimes you have to hold people at a distance. Especially those certain people. You know the ones I'm talking about. Those that just take and take and take. Those that criticize everything you do and say. We need boundaries for people like that....RIGHT?

Some people really struggle with this. So they wrote a book about it. Lots of books out there on how to just say no, to have healthy boundaries in place so you don't get hurt, don't give too much, and don't get burn out. Because let's face it people, there are leeches out there. Lost, hurting people that see life in you and they want it. They'll suck the very life out of you so be careful, put up boundaries so you don't get hurt.....RIGHT?

Sounds good, sounds true. God wouldn't want us to pour out to someone who doesn't appreciate it or will take advantage of us or will hurt us. Don't cast your pearls among the swine, right? I know I've thought and believed these things. I've even given advice along these lines. So why is Pappa stirring this up so in my heart lately? Why do I feel Him tugging at some of those borders, boundaries, and personal space bubbles I've erected? Could He have something better in mind? Could He have another, fuller, better, more satisfying way for me to live then for me to guard my heart and home? Let me share some of the questions, and ideas swirling around in my spirit today. Journey with me as I work this out for myself.

What if instead of saying yes or no we inquired? What if we asked Him if He wants us to do something? What if instead of pouring out of ourselves we poured out of Him, and were extension of His heart?  What if we never had to fear burning out because there was grace to accomplish whatever He told us to do? What if there was a never-ending supply of resources, peace, love, grace, compassion, consideration, patience, etc.? What if we didn't turn anyone away who was hungry, weary, or hurting even if we didn't agree with what they believe or their actions? I promise you He will never, ever have you turn someone away. That's just not who He is. Even if they've hurt you in the past, even when they've hurt Him, He always hopes. So, what if we were just Love? What if we never had to fear for ourselves or our hearts? What if we never had to be afraid of getting hurt? What if we were so so deep in Him and we so trusted His love, acceptance, and His satisfaction in us that we could be free and vulnerable with people? What if we didn't have to worry if they liked us or about how they might treat us because who they say we are doesn't matter? What if we, like Him, were not afraid of sin?

I'm being reminded of all the walls, and boundaries that I've put into place and every single one that I can think of is there out of fear: fear of being taken advantage of, fear I might be treated badly, fear I might not be heard, fear I might not be seen for who I am, fear that my kids might be hurt or see something I think they shouldn't.  And here's a thought about our children: what if who they were created to be was one of our greatest resources? What if who they are is the Part of Pappa He wants to show to someone hurting? What if we could trust Pappa to protect them as well? Every single wall I've raised was put there by me, to protect myself. Never has He instructed me to protect myself ever. Period. Oh and here's a doosie, there are even a couple of walls to protect my Self from my God. Because what if asks me to do something I don't want to do or if He does something I don't understand? What if I can't trust Him.....?

I'm ready for a world, for a Church that throws their concern for "balance" out the window. What does that even mean? "Oh be careful, stay in balance." Well here's the deal folks, everywhere I look the world is so OUT of balance and in wrong direction, and if I can be so bold, all these fears are a major factor. What if the church stopped worrying about getting burn out or getting out of balance or with giving too much that they didn't have anything left for themselves or their family? What if we trusted our Father and go where He says go and give when He says give and trust that He will take care of us and ours? People are hurting and dying out there and I have the tendency to look the other way because what if I get hurt? I ignore the starving and cold man on the street because what if He tries to hurt me or my children? I push off the needy relative or acquaintance because I'm too tired, or have nothing to give, or am too offended by their neediness. But what would this world look like if instead of being afraid we might have to do something, we asked if HE wants to do something? What if my children saw me trusting Pappa and living out His Gospel instead of being consumed with self or fears? What if they saw me loving with a fierce love that could only come from Him? What if I CAN trust Him? What would happen if we did trust Him?

A friend of mine, nah a crazy rock star uncle of mine, shared this on his Facebook status and I had to share.

"Pride cannibalizes awe. When our thoughts drift to how we have been poorly treated, how we are right or deserving of more, or how we will never be good enough, our worship is devoured, eaten up by the Self. We remain under the umbrella of our own authority, recognizing no greater authority and no longer enjoying greater Greatness. There is an antidote to pride, and it is not to think less of ourselves. Instead, we ought to dwell upon the God who did become one of us, who gracefully withstood our scorn and self-adulation. Jesus is the God who, in the face of pride, calls us to the cross. How can we be proud there?" 

And can I add, how can we be afraid there? 

Do you feel convicted? Is it a holy, righteous fire that fuels that conviction? My heart burns with it now and I've found that it's much better and easier to respond quickly to Him then to wait until that fire has grown cold. Let's be His hands and feet and stopping playing church and Be the church.

Grace and Peace.

DO you have the right to an opinion?

You don't have to look far to see something you don't agree with. Especially if you call yourself a Christian. I almost hate to use that term because it's practically become a derogatory term. To clarify, by "Christian" I mean someone who genuinely loves the Lord and is doing their best to let Him actually BE their Lord. As a Christian, living in the freedom of His Lordship, it's easy to see those that are not living that way and see the negative that lifestyle may bring...in your opinion that is. It's easy to see the darkness when you're used to living in His light. It's easy to see the lack all around you when you're living in His provision. It's easy to see fear and hate and all around ugliness when you are so aware of His peace, love, and beauty. And so it's easy to point it out. And it's easy to start to think that you have the right to point it out. It's easy to begin to forget that all those beautiful things are bestowed on you because you have a gracious and loving Father and not because you some how are more deserving then someone who is living in darkness.

Lately I've seen and heard fellow Christians voicing their opinions...and claim the right to those opinions concerning the choices of not love in others. Don't get me wrong, I've been guilty of this myself. The real question in my heart lately, though, has been, "Do I actually have the RIGHT to my opinion??"  I've been hearing lately by many this idea that we all have this God-given right to our opinions. And well, that just doesn't feel right to me.

When a famous person does something I may not approve of, do I have the right to form an opinion about whether I think it's wrong, because hey, after all aren't they a role model and haven't they chosen to be in the public eye and don't they have the responsibility of living a perfect life?? When the President makes a decision that I don't agree with don't I have the right to voice my opinion about it on a social network? When my pastor decides to wear jeans instead of a suit don't I have the right to form my own opinion about whether or not he's being spiritual enough? When another mom at the grocery store has clearly chosen a different style to parenting isn't it right for me to voice my opinion about it? Or maybe even just think about my opinion about it?

I started thinking about what that word opinion really meant because I think Christians have turned it into something it's not and to quote Fezzik from The Princess Bride, "I do not think that word means what you think it means." So I looked it up in the good ole dictionary. Opinion: 1. a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty. 2. a personal view, attitude, or appraisal. 3. a judgment or estimate of a person or thing with respect to character, merit, etc.

By forming a personal opinion about someone you are judging them. It's that plain and simple. Whether you voice it or not it's judgement. And what does judgement mean? It means the ability to judge, make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, especially in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion. So essentially by forming an opinion about someone or their actions you have taken a place of authority in their life. You have come to the conclusion as to whether they are right or wrong. Who's place of authority you ask? Ahhh and here's where you may want to stop reading...it's God's place.
 
Can we have a moment of silence for all the pieces of our souls that just died? *Gulp* 

OK so here's the deal. I'm not writing this blog because I've formed the opinion that every one is too opinionated and judgmental. I've just noticed a trend, especially on social media, and especially from Christians on social media who are making judgements and justifying them with the word opinion. And so the truth is we're not called to be opinionated or judgmental. We're called to be the Love poured out, the Compassion driven, Forgiveness giving people He's created us to be and modeled for us in His very existence. Obviously, that doesn't mean agreeing with or encouraging behavior that is blatantly not love. Let's just remember that none of us would be the same without Jesus and if someone's life is reflecting a life with out Him it's cause for compassion and love not judgement and shame. 

So in conclusion, based purely off the definition of the words opinion and judgement and the well known Scripturally based standards concerning judgement the answer to the question in the title of this blog, NO we do NOT have the RIGHT to our opinions. Would you please join me in repenting for all the times we've done this and let's receive His forgiveness and His supernatural revelation concerning these things? Let's ask Him to teach us how to love the unlovable, those easy to judge, and let Him fill your heart with compassion for all those who are desperately in need of it.

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness walk into a bar....

So what do a priest, a rabbi, and a Jehovah's witness all have in common besides the start of a bad joke and now the title of this blog post? Two words come to mind: organized religion. Lately I've been contemplating the idea of the Church and exactly what that means for us, big picture as THE Church and small scale for our family. I got to thinking about why we do what we do when it comes to our practices and beliefs, how we fellowship and why we chose our path of worship. I also recently read a book that got me thinking a bit deeper a long these lines.

I first started thinking about all the things I love about different religions because here's the deal, I love people. I love all types of people. Even Muslims. Even Jews. Even Catholics. And even though I've chosen my own way to worship and like every one I tend think my way is the better way there are still many things that I genuinely appreciate about other religions and people groups. For example, I love traditions. I love routine and I have a hard time with change. This part of my self is extremely drawn to avenues of faith like Catholicism and the Orthodox Church. I love the structure, and the preciousness of different rituals and ceremonies that go deep with their meaning. I'm also a little wild and crazy. May be why the Pentecostal church draws my admiration. Sometimes I want to drop all the constraints of those traditions and run around the church screaming about how amazing my God is and of His amazing love and grace poured over me with out measure.

Here's another thing about me: I am a true missionary at heart. I have deep compassion for people who don't know this Love that I have come to know and can't live with out. I love the Baptist heart for missions. What an amazing work they have done all over the world. Another reason I love those of the Methodists stream. Hate the sin, love the sinner is their motto and you can see it by the size of their churches. You don't get that large by making people feel unwanted.

Jehovah's Witnesses. What can I say about them. Do I brace myself when they come to the door? Um, yes. But listen, something moves them to go door to door telling people of their faith. I don't know many others that do this. It is a strong belief and a strong love that brings them to a stranger's door to tell them about Jesus as they know Him. And I just can't judge a person for that.

I could go on and on because there are sooooo many different religions. But obviously there are parts of each one that I don't agree with because I've been called a different way. The number one reason I am pulled away from organized religion, non denominational or otherwise is this, any time there is a hard and fast rule about anything, a standard of measure for which to judge someone...eek that's where I want to jump ship pretty quick.

So I started thinking about this book I had read. It was one man's journey from being lost in a world without Jesus to pastor and finally leaving the typical church and having "house church". Our family attends a non denominational church and an even less traditional house church...of sorts. HA! I truly believe every church has the opportunity to be used by God in a unique and individual way not unlike each person is created with a specific design and purpose. Our church has such a beautiful anointing for healing those wounded by other churches, cause hey, it happens. Another church comes to mind that has a huge and fabulous children's ministry and in all the years it's been around I can't remember one time a public scandal has been a part of it's history. That's pretty amazing. But what if this author is right when he says the Church is supposed to be like family?

And that's exactly what I'm finding. A family. But why does that start freaking people out? Because it really does. You start talking about meeting as a family, worshiping God together, caring, and helping each other like a family and people start getting a bit uncomfortable. Why?

Let me back up and share some observations with you. These are my own personal observances and may not be true for anyone else. But what I've noticed in every single "church" that I've been apart of is this allowance for the possibility of what is most often described as "Guests" or "Newcomers". The pastor and worship leader are constantly aware of the possibility of guests, people who may never have been in a church, seen a church, heard the name of Jesus, or only recently started coming to their church. The entire service then caters to this possibility. For example, a church with, let's say 300 people is made up of 90-95% faithful attendees and in the case of Tulsa, Oklahoma those people are largely made up of families who consist of children of God who were raised in the church, who've been "saved" for as long as they can remember. And all of those God-fearing people are also aware of the possibility of newcomers. So when the pastor gives the salvation message again at the end of service everyone quietly, patiently, faithfully listens and hopes that perhaps someone will be saved today. But the odds of someone in that 5-10% not being saved are pretty slim, especially in this area. But nonetheless the entire service is custom made for what is lovingly known as a "Baby Christian" or someone who is "Lost" someone hearing the Word of God for the first time. So how does a church ever become grown up Christians made up of mature sons or daughters of God? Their own personal quiet time, small groups, discipleship groups, and Bible studies are an excellent place to start. But what if there is another way? What if the Church was a family?

What if when you gathered together with your family to worship you were all aware of who each other are? You would be aware if there was a stranger in your midst and you would cherish the chance to get to know him or her. And what if when you began to share with one another it was with a knowledge that you were all on a journey to maturity, to adulthood in your faith? And what if worship was about really touching the heart of the Father and less about getting everyone to sing the words or stand or not stand or clap or not clap or just be comforted because of bone weariness life lived alone apart from a family?? What if you went somewhere in worship? What if you, altogether as a family, accomplished something in the Spirit for the Kingdom? What if instead of spending time shaking hands with the stranger next to you, you hugged your sis and in that moment you knew your hearts where somehow joined as one? What if instead of taking up tithes and offering and hearing another message about why we take up tithes and offerings you spent time sharing about how God made provision supernaturally that week? What if, instead of listening to a message largely catered to a Guest, or someone who doesn't know of Christ's love, you shared and listened to what God is doing and speaking into the hearts of His grown up children TODAY??

Why is family so weird?? Because it's made up of crazy uncles, red headed step children, goofy cousins, and protective older brothers? Ha well there is that. For me if I had my choice I'd rather be THAT family, the big fat Greek family all up in each others business. Because what if your car broke down? Wouldn't it be nice if you had a cousin that could fix anything with an engine and could come fix it NO CHARGE? What if you had sister you could call when you were desperate for a babysitter? What if you had a mom and a dad that was just always there? What if you had an uncle that could build anything, home, barn, shed, or just be there to help hang a shelf or fix a broken cabinet? What if you needed help moving? Wouldn't it be great if there was an army of family to get you packed, loaded, and unloaded in one Saturday and the only thing they expected was some pizza at the end of the day? What if you went a little over board and bought a new entertainment center off craig's list made of real wood and it had to be picked up TODAY and oh yeah it's upstairs? Wouldn't it be nice if you had a brother you could call to help pick it up? And wouldn't it be funny if that brother accidentally dropped his end and broke one of the doors and then you had license to tease him for all time? What if there was always a birthday, wedding, or birth to celebrate? What if there was always someone to help keep you on the straight and narrow, to pray with you, encourage you, hug you, cry with you, SEE you for who you were created to be, and speak that into your life even if you don't believe it yourself???

Well all those things I have and are real life examples of my family outside of church. I'm not saying you can't find a "family" within a church but my prayer for the Church is that instead of watering down Christianity we could all grow up, see each other, and go outside those walls to find and rescue the "lost" instead of waiting and hoping they find us. And if that's weird...well wouldn't be the first time I've been called that!

Worship Starts At Home

I was inspired to write this blog today after spending some time worshiping the Lord with my kids in my living room. I was sitting in a chair and Bret, my 2 year old was sitting in my lap. And he takes my hand and draws it to his cheek. And he says, "I love you Mommy." And he smiles with that smile that melts my heart every stinking time. And I hear my Pappa whisper to my heart, "You melt my heart like that. You draw My hand to your cheek and you smile and say 'I love You' and you melt my heart. Just. Like. That."

Of course by this time tears are streaming down my face. I breathe in the peace of the moment and this is worship. And I started to think how often this happens. My kids and I daily spend time together just listening to worship music. And we dance. And we sing. LOUD. And we are wild and we laugh. Sometimes it's quiet and we smile at each other or we snuggle under a blanket and just hold each other close. And He fills our hearts and our home and I know He breathes in the moment too, just like us. So often He speaks to me during this time, or ministers to my weary, broken soul. My house is a mess, the dishes fill the sink, the laundry goes unwashed, but what else can I do? How can I not respond to the voice of my Lover calling me to dance with Him? Everything else does eventually get done...usually.

The point is worship shouldn't just happen Sunday mornings. And it doesn't have to look like it does for us. But I promise it changes you. Every time it changes you. I never walk away the same. And worship isn't always just loving Him. I find He is loving me more then anything else. And that is worship, because as I surrender my heart to His love He is glorified. How can we pour out to Him our love if we don't know what love is? How can we wash Him with our adoration if we've never experienced what it's like to be adored and cherished? How can we bless Him when we're empty? I was always taught that worship was loving on God. And it is. But worship is also being loved by God. If you're empty, or in lack in anyway go to Him. Don't walk. Run to His arms and be filled. Throw the checklist out. 100 thank you's and hallelujah's are not required.

Worship starts at home. Where you are. Right now. So breathe deeply and drink your fill of Him. Let Him melt your heart as you seek to touch His.

Here is a little of our spontaneous snack time worship...

Abraham's Tree

I walked around a huge tree. I stretched my arm out, like I did as a child and I walked around brushing my finger tips against the bark of this massive tree. I stopped and looked around to witness a magnificent sunset. The sky was all lit up with pink and fire. Standing on a hill near this massive, ancient tree I had a beautiful panoramic view of the nearly barren land and sky. It took my breath away. Tears streamed down my face for what I saw was so achingly beautiful.

And then I felt Him behind me. And His breath on my ear, We can stay here. Or...we can keep going.

I pondered those words most of the night and most of today. Why do I feel like this is Abraham's tree? Does Abraham even have a tree? Well apparently he does.

Gen. 12:6-10
⁶ Abram passed through the land as far as the site of Shechem, to the oak of Moreh. Now the Canaanite was then in the land. ⁷ The Lord appeared to Abram and said, “To your descendants I will give this land.” So he built an altar there to the Lord who had appeared to him. ⁸ Then he proceeded from there to the mountain on the east of Bethel, and pitched his tent, with Bethel on the west and Ai on the east; and there he built an altar to the Lord and called upon the name of the Lord. ⁹ Abram journeyed on, continuing toward the Negev. ¹⁰ Now there was a famine in the land; so Abram went down to Egypt to sojourn there, for the famine was severe in the land.


Did Abraham stop by that tree and stand in awe as I did at the spectacular view? Did he breathe deeply the smell of earth and tree, and fresh air? He saw the Lord. Can you imagine? The Lord appeared to Abraham and promised him all that he could see. So why did Abraham keep going? All that he saw was good and was given to him. Why did he proceed?

We can stop here...or we can keep going.

So Abraham moved on from there, continuing toward the Negev and straight into famine. Dry. Dirty. Famine. He left what was good and entered a place of lack. And then what? Egypt? We all know the trouble he got into in Egypt. Fear led to the lie. The lie cost him his wife. He nearly lost his life, but in the end he made it out with his wife and all that belonged to him even added a new slave named Hagar to his household. Yeah that wouldn't come back to bite him.

So why did he keep going? Why did he leave that peaceful place? It was OK. It was good even. But Papa had better in mind for Abraham. We see it just one chapter over.

Gen 13:12,14-18
¹² Abram settled in the land of Canaan....¹⁴ The Lord said to Abram, after Lot had separated from him, “Now lift up your eyes and look from the place where you are, northward and southward and eastward and westward; ¹⁵ for all the land which you see, I will give it to you and to your descendants forever. ¹⁶ I will make your descendants as the dust of the earth, so that if anyone can number the dust of the earth, then your descendants can also be numbered. ¹⁷ Arise, walk about the land through its length and breadth; for I will give it to you.” ¹⁸ Then Abram moved his tent and came and dwelt by the oaks of Mamre, which are in Hebron, and there he built an altar to the Lord.

Lot aka Plan B. Lot would have been Abraham's heir at this point in the story. No wonder he had to wait for Papa's best until he let go of Lot.

Sometimes we have to travel past good and through the valley of hardship, loss, and fear before we get to His best. And all we can do is hang on and trust Him along the way, repent when we're foolish, forgive when the need arises, and sometimes even back track. Often it means letting go. Letting go of loved ones. Letting go of our plans. But always, it comes down to our choice....

We can stop here...or we can keep going.

Relating to Papa

So it's been forever since I've blogged and now that I am I'm not even posting my own thoughts. But this is too good not to share. Written by my dear friend, Breaker, I hope it inspires much thought and encouragement. You can check out her blog here.


So... a topic got highlighted to me today, and it's just consuming my heart with its implications! I've heard these verses before, but wanted to explore them deeper with Papa, since I know Him better now.

I was reading a blog and the following came up--
"Ruth’s a Moabite–the text won’t let us forget that–and her ancestors refused to give hospitality in the form of bread and water to the Israelites as they left Egypt.
This insult led to a prohibition against the Moabites in Deuteronomy 23:3
“No [...] Moabite shall be admitted to the assembly of the Lord.
Even to the tenth generation [Hebrew-Bible-speak for, 'seriously, not
ever!'] none of their descendants shall be admitted to the assembly of
the Lord.”
Complicates things a bit, no?
Boaz doesn’t say, “Oh, hey, I’m sorry for your bad situation, Ruth,
but your ancestors insulted mine, so I’m biblically required to do the
same to you.” No.
He breaks a ‘biblical’ law to fulfill a Greater Law in sharing bread with Ruth.
And then he marries her."

Breaking the biblical law to fulfill the Greater, unspoken one. Hmm! Reminds me of the White Witch's argument of legality to take Edmund because of his treachery. She knew the Deep Magic from the dawn of time. The "rules" that the Emperor Beyond the Sea wrote to govern the world. Just as real as what goes up comes down, sin begets detriment.
But what did Aslan say after the Stone Table cracked? There is an even deeper magic that the Witch knew nothing of. The law of Love.
The accuser was created as Lucifer to witness creation and all the laws written into our world. Lucifer understood earth, water, wind, fire, and spirit. But. Lucifer did not understand Love. He didn't witness it, because it always was. Love is God. God is Love. And for him to have fought with Love the way he did and does, Love is completely missing from his book. He seeks to replace it with Power, which only goes so far...
Anyhoo! We are created from Papa's spirit, and coming into relationship with Him fully, we complete His heart again. We have a unique relationship with Him! We get to co-create, like sitting on His lap steering as He pushes the pedals....(I really hope none of this is blasphemous, because these are just a lot of my little perceptions and dreams and impressions of Papa pasted together. My imaginings.=)

Related, I wanted to look up the other verses about to God "changing His mind" and humans helping do that.

This is pasted from another website.

In Exodus 32:9-10 God tells Moses, “I have seen these stiff-necked people. Now leave me alone so that my anger may burn against them and that I may destroy them. Then I will make you into a great nation.”
(I think Papa said this because He was dying for Moses to do what he did next! He didn't sit down and accept the doom prophecy for what it said, he believed in Love and that Love would forgive, and even if God should smite him, he stood for those who needed forgiveness! Years before Jesus, Moses said "Father, forgive them!!")
In verse 12 Moses actually told God, “Turn from your anger and change your mind about harming your people.”The word that is translated in this verse “change your mind” is a Hebrew word meaning “to repent,” “to have pity” or “to feel sorrow or regret for something.”Verse 14 tells us, “So the Lord changed his mind about the harm which he said he would do to his people.”
Consider the following passages as well:
Jeremiah 26:3
“Perhaps they will listen and everyone will turn from his evil way, that I may repent of the calamity which I am planning to do to them.”
Jeremiah 26:19
“Did he not fear the LORD and entreat the favor of the LORD, and the LORD changed His mind about the misfortune which He had pronounced
against them?”
Amos 7:2-3
“I said, ‘Lord GOD, please pardon! How can Jacob stand, For he is small?’ The LORD changed His mind about this. It shall not be," said the LORD.”
Jonah 3:10
“When God saw their deeds, that they turned from their wicked way, then God repented concerning the calamity which He had declared He would bring upon them. And He did not do it.”
Ezekiel 18:23 tells us that, like all good parents, God “has no pleasure” in punishing his children, but rather wishes for them to turn from their evil ways and walk rightly, so that they might enjoy his life."

Ok....Then what are we supposed to make of this??!
Malachi 3:6 "For I am the Lord; I change not."
Numbers 23:19 "God is not a man, that he should lie; neither the son of man, that he should repent."
Ezekiel 24:14 "I the Lord have spoken it: it shall come to pass, and I will do it; I will not go back, neither will I spare, neither will I repent."
James 1:17 " . . . the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning."

HE DOES NOT CHANGE. HE. WHO HE IS. HIS NATURE, HIS ESSENCE. That is what does not change. And of all the things describing our Papa in the Bible, the one that I find to be the most resonate, the most profound, and the most biblical (really) is that He is LOVE. He has always been love, and will always be love.
I think... and think with humility... that the "Thus sayith the Lord" doom and gloom prophecies were ones which MIGHT come true if current choices did not change. It's like telling a child, "If you don't stop hitting your sibling, you will go into time-out." The unspoken there is the Love. The nature of the parent is, "My dear child, I so enjoy watching you play in the sand! Your laughter reminds me what it is to celebrate creation, to wonder at what God did, and enjoy it with all the fiber in your being! And right now, you are not choosing well.
You are not choosing to enjoy and worship as you were. You are choosing to be irritated at your younger sibling [who does not understand politeness yet] as they reach over and take sand that you were about to take. And you have let anger take hold of your heart and turned a lesson for your sibling into an offense which you are trying to handle yourself by striking out. You will remember this day much more than the handful of sand. I long for you to choose well and let this cease to have a hold on you! Rather than me helping your un-informed sibling grow, I now have to deal with your harsh and hurtful actions.
So please, lets both enjoy the day and put this behind us! If you cannot, I must remind you that willful choices of wrong-doing separate us from the goodness of God. And you will be outside of the goodness of the sandbox and the heap you were making. But if you stop now and heed me, returning to mature choices and letting Papa's grace help your sibling forget that you hurt them, we can all enjoy the day!"

I imagine that we can change Papa's mind because, in a certain sense, He's playing a game with us. He made the rules, and when the sin in the Garden gave the accuser license to exploit these rules, Papa sat back and said to us, "Your move." Would we accept things as they are, because He wrote the rules? And in our private heart of hearts we disdain Him for the rules? Or would we appeal to the part of Him that we share, Love from His heart, that is our secret with Him beyond the reach of Accusation? If your spouse puts on a pouty face and says they won't do something you know very well they will, you laugh and maybe poke them and say "I know you better than that!" And while this deals with people's fate and health and the destiny of kingdoms, maybe Papa's moves are based on the laws of the universe until a priest who knows Love whispers in His ear "I know You better than that..."

Stay in the Pain

Ever been brokenhearted? Disappointed? Betrayed? What do you do when that happens? How do you go on? When you've been dealt a crushing blow, what keeps you going? What then?

I've come to this beautiful place in my relationship with Daddy God. I used to wonder, "Where are You?" I'd call out to Him. I'd stretch my hand out into the emptiness, in the dark and fear. And He'd come. I'd find Him. I would know He was near. I thought that was wonderful but there was always a moment of despair in loneliness.

Now, I'm in a new place of knowing Him. I sort of fell into to it. Into Him. And now, I never feel alone. No matter where I am, metaphorically or matter-of-factly, I feel Him. In me. Or me in Him. I'm not sure which. Either way, as if we share a heart beat, I'm with Him.

I tell you this to explain that after recently being crushed by a mighty wave of disappointment, you would understand that I didn't need to search Him out. I felt Him with me, absorbing my tears, taking to heart my pain. Being tossed in the wave with me. And after all my tears were spent and my heart was emptied out to Him. I heard Him ask me the same question. What now?

And slowly, nearly unconsciously I began to fill my heart myself. With bitterness. With resentment. With unforgiveness. Even with revenge. I started to feel better. A crust was forming of the broken place in my heart. It dulled the ache. I had a plan and it made me feel better. I wiped the tears away.

Ever so gently, relentlessly, I heard Him break through my senses. Striking right through my defenses His breath on my soul. Stay in the pain. 

This could easily be misunderstood but I knew right away what He meant...

To lay down my right to disappointment. To see the other person as He sees them. To feel compassion when there is nothing but His well of love to draw from. To be the one to let go. To forgive. To sink deeper into Him and watch myself fade away. It. Is. Pain. A horrible, searing pain.

To say yes to Him and die to self. To keep walking in love when all you want to do is run away in anger. To never, ever be recognized for the sacrifice. It just hurts so bad. 

But in the pain He is there. In the anger His is not. In the bitterness He is not. In the resentment He is not. But as I turn, from darkness to blinding hot pain, I feel Him. And He is proud of me. And He is love. And He fills all the empty, hurting places of my heart and I know there is more where that came from. So much more. And I'm wrapped up in Him deeper then I've ever been.

And, "What now?" you ask. You do it over and over again, every time you pour out that love to the circumstance, that part of you, you can never get back. Every time you're tempted back to not love. Go back to the pain. And He is there. Endless.

I'm Sure I'll Laugh About This One Day

It's the day before Thanksgiving and I have about a gazillion things on my list to get done before I can even start cooking tomorrow but I just had to take some time and blog.

This morning, as usual, I awoke to my two boys banging around in their room with toys. And, of course, I stuck my head under my pillow and covered myself up even deep under the covers. I hear doors up and close, the not so soft sound of pitter patter up and down the hall. But, hey, no one was screaming. I lay in bed a while longer before frantically, my daughter Lydia runs into my room saying, "Momma the boys let Ginger out and she ate the turkey!" I shoot out of my bed, now wide awake. I scream, "WHAT?!" and run, frantically down the stairs. What do I find there? My 140 pound St. Bernarnd, Ginger, stuffing her face with MY, used to be, 20 pound turkey.

*sigh* Yeah. *sigh*

Let me back up. I forgot to put the turkey in the fridge to thaw a couple of days ago. So yesterday, when I remember that it takes forever for frozen turkeys to thaw.  I realized it was too late to let it sit in the fridge until Thanksgiving. So I pulled it out to thaw in the sink. It was still covered in plastic and netting and inside two Target sacks so I thought it was safe.

Ginger sleeps in Lydia's room. It's Lydia's job in the morning to let her out to go potty. Occasionally one of the boys will open Lydia's door and let her out and she usually gets into some kind of mischief so it's very important for Lydia to get up straight away and let her outside. The boys also know they are supposed to stay in their room after they wake up and play quietly with toys until the rest of us get up. That's ideally how it's supposed to work around here. Obviously, that's not what happened today. The boys opened Lydia's door. Ginger ran out and Lydia covered her head with the pillow and snuggled deeper into her covers. Like mother, like daughter eh? Ginger stumbles upon the trash first and then discovers the somewhat thawed turkey in the sink and helps herself. It's pretty remarkable that she was able to lift a frozen 20 lb turkey out of my sink. By the time I stumbled down the stairs it looked like a crime scene in my kitchen. If I hadn't been so livid I would have thought to take a picture because I know someday I'll probably laugh over the scene. Turkey blood and guts all over my white tile and splattered over the cabinets and baseboards.

So what did I do? I calmly let Ginger out. Told the kids, in no uncertain terms to get back in their beds, and went back to my room and screamed like a crazy person into my pillow. Then I called my husband and told him all about it swearing that this was the last straw. Ginger had to go. Images of past holiday sitcoms started running through my mind. I saw myself and my three kids driving all over town searching for the last Thanksgiving turkey, pushing over little old ladies to get to a measly 5 pound turkey that I would some how have to make stretch to feed everyone. I quickly jump up, throw on some clothes, rush around to get the kids dressed and fed, and the turkey mess cleaned up. We get in the car and I rush back to Target all the while, berating my children for, "disobeying and leaving your room" and for, "not getting out of bed to let Ginger out." Conveniently leaving out that I, too stayed in bed and that if I had remembered to put the turkey in the fridge in the first place none of it would have happened either. *sigh* Once we get in the car Lydia's Awana's CD starts up. Too upset to turn it off I let it play. It keeps the kids quiet after all.

About 3 minutes into the drive the story goes like this, 3 children were getting a gift for their teacher. They just found the perfect lamp at a garage sale and went back to their club house to paint it. A fourth friend shows up and breaks it accidentally. In my head, I saw this whole scenario of the other three children shouting at their friend for ruining all their hard work and being so thoughtless and inconsiderate. I was prepared to side with them. I figured there would probably be some lesson about not being so careless with other peoples things. But no. The three children did not get up set with their friend. In fact they told her it was OK because it was just an accident. The children were calm and rational. There was no shouting or berating. Then one little girl said, "I know what to do. We should pray and ask God to help us." And so they did.

*Gulp* And then I felt like a complete idiot. *sigh* I realized I was acting like a spoiled, immature, brat, throwing a fit over a situation that was really no ones fault. Yes it was an expensive piece of meat. Yes there were things we could have all done differently. But I just got schooled by a bunch of first graders on my bad attitude.

I had to repent to my children and to God. And of course they all forgave me. And of course we got to Target and there were still plenty of turkeys. And the truth is I needed to go anyway to get a few last minute things. And I'm sure that if I let the turkey sit in warm water it will be thawed out by tomorrow to cook....hopefully! But if it's not, it won't be the end of the world. Nothing is worth loosing your dignity, and hurting other people over.

A tough, and slightly embarrassing lesson for me to learn. I'm sure this will all be funny someday. Hopefully it will be tomorrow as we all sit down to eat our Thanksgiving meal.

Blessings to you all this holiday season. Cherish this time. I know I will be.

No, It's Not Ok

If you've never read this blog before you may want to back up a bit to get to know me and what I'm about because I gotta just say this. I. Love. Him. My God. My Savior. My Pappa. My Breath. My Life. My Everything. I just love Him and sometimes I just gotta say it.

And the truth is, I don't always feel that way. I mean, I always mean to love Him but some days I get distracted and the love "feelings" just don't overwhelm me. And that's just not OK. It really isn't. When I stop and let Him wash over me. His love. His joy. His peace. I'm full. That's how it's supposed to be every day. All the time.

I'm overwhelmed by the moment. Letting the emotions of my soul enjoy what my spirit gets to partake in all the time. Just to be near Him. Just to know Him. It's what I live for.

If this doesn't describe you, well, it's not OK. Not because I'm judgmental and everyone should be like me but because the more you seek Him the more you find Him. And that moment when you do. When you find a new part of Him you never knew before. It's just so wonderful. Like all the empty broken places of your heart and soul come together and you are who He created you to be. And that's how it's supposed to be all the time.


I know we get busy. We have priorities. Children. Work. Family. Commitments. But if you are weary and tired. If you are stressed. If you are confused. Sick. Irritable. Distracted. Sad. Depressed. Lonely. Bitter. Angery. Selfish. Well. It's just not OK. There's no excuse. Not when all you have to do is stop. Just for a moment and welcome Him in. Sometimes that looks like a deep breath. Sometimes that looks like spending some time in the Word. Sometimes it's letting Him give you a new perspective. Sometimes that's dancing wildly in your living room to music created just for Him. I'm just sick of hearing, "Oh well, He knows what your life is like. He understands. It's OK." Because it's not. He does know and understand. But He's called you to something greater. To something higher. To something more wonderful then you could have ever imagined. And you don't get there by putting Him last. It's not OK to neglect your relationship with Him. It's not OK to go days with out seeking Him. It's not OK to feel like you just haven't been good enough to talk to Him with out spending an hour repenting. He says "Come." Come just as you are. Be with Him. Because anything less is just not OK. And if you don't have friend in your life telling you that...get one.

Lost in Translation

Recently, I have discovered a free online Interlinear Bible (Hebrew, Greek, and English) and I'm in heaven...actually...kind of literally! One thing I've learned is, A LOT is lost in translation. I mean, a lot. There are so many awesome nuggets of wisdom, truth, emotion, and inspiration that the English language just can not contain. I've been dissecting the book of John with my D-Group (discipleship group), delving in a chapter a week. This past week was chapter 4 and what I found was just too good not to share with all of you. This may end up being my longest, rambling post yet but just bare with me. I encourage you to read the chapter in it's entirety because I'm going to skip a few verses here and there. Which, if you're like me, means you have to make time to read the whole book. (Am I the only one like that??) Praying the Word comes alive for you like it has me this past week.

Chapter 4 of John is mostly about the Samaritan woman at the well. and that's mostly what this post will be about. It starts off in verse 5 saying Jesus came to a city of Samaria called Sychar, near Jacob's well. Being about 6 pm Jesus was weary and set by the well. Take note of that word, "weary" I'll come back to it.

I'm probably going to say the word, "interesting" in this post a gazillion times but I really have no other word to describe how, well, interesting this whole chapter has been. The first time I thought it was when I discovered what the name "Sychar" means. It literally means, "drunken." Huh. Really? There was a town that actually means drunken? Isn't it interesting that of all places to use an analogy about drinking living water Jesus stopped by a town called Drunken? And that of all places, He sat at a well and asked a woman, from the city of Drunken for, of all things, a drink? And then teaches and eventually brings eternal life to most of the Drunken town with an analogy about drinking. Living water, that is.

So Jesus is weary and seeing a woman coming to draw water (Ha! Like He didn't know she would be coming) He asks her for a drink. He didn't ask her for just any drink. The word "drink" used in verse 7 means, "to drink figuratively, to receive into the soul what serves to refresh or strengthen it into life eternal." It's actually the same word used in John 7:37- "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to Me and drink." Why would Jesus ask a Samaritan woman from a Drunken city for an eternal life kind of drink? No wonder the Samaritan woman said, and I'm paraphrasing, "Why are you asking me? You're a Jew, I'm a Samaritan, what do I know about the eternal life kind of drink?"

Now if this Man had been any other Jew, well for starters, he wouldn't have asked for a drink because we all know Jews didn't talk to Samaritans, but say he was just some other Samaritan. How would this conversation have gone down? Would she have said, "Sure I'll get you a drink, even though I've been working all day and have to haul up my own water and then carry it (most likely on her head, I mean hello) all the way back down into town." From verse 20 we know she's on a mountain. Or would she have been a little less sarcastic and just have ignored him or told him no or even would she have just gotten him a drink? I didn't go do a ton of research on all the customs of the day so I don't know what she would have said. My point is, for her, this is just another day in the life. She probably would never, in a million years, considered asking what Jesus suggested. He says to her in verse 10, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is who says to you, 'Give Me a drink, you would have asked Him, and He would have given you living water."

On a side note. Do you remember the day He came into your life? Was it like hers and so many others He encountered while He walked this earth? Was it out of the complete blue? One day you're just getting water the next day, BAM He's saving you from a pit of despair you never thought you'd be free from or maybe never even knew you were in. It's a beautiful thing, to encounter Him. We see it so often. But how different her's is from Nathan's. You can read about his encounter here.

So she makes it clear to everyone reading the story thousands of years later that she really didn't get it. Like, at all. She says to Him, "Sir, You have nothing to draw with and the well is deep; where then do You get that living water? You are not greater than our father Jacob, are You..."

Let me stop here and expound on that word, "well." It has different meanings throughout this chapter. In verse 6 (describing where they are) and 14 (when Jesus is speaking) the word "well" literally means "a well, or a fountain fed by a spring of water." But when she uses the word in verses 11 and 12 it means, "the pit of the abyss." She saw the pit, not the living water. She saw the condition of her life not what He was offering her. How could He draw the living water out of that? It's all she had ever known. It's all her forefathers had ever known. And she didn't get that He was the Messiah yet. She's honestly a little slow on the uptake but I love that because aren't we all at times? He doesn't give up on her. Instead, He reiterates in verse 13, "Everyone who drinks of this water will thirst again." Hmm. This water and anything else y'all been drinking up in the city of Drunken.

Still not realizing who she's talking to she says in verse 15, "Sir," not Messiah or Savior or anything, else because in her mind He's still this crazy Jew who's actually talking to a Samaritan, "give me this water, so I will not be thirsty" and have to climb all the way up this blasted mountain everyday and carry a giant water pot on my head all the way back down. OK, OK I paraphrased that last bit. It's just very obvious that she still does not get what Jesus is talking about. It's not really liquid water. But that's OK. If all else fails all He has to do is tell her something about herself that she already knows but knows He doesn't know, thereby a miracle for Him to know and be able to tell her. Make sense?

It's clear she doesn't get the analogy but it's really probably for all of our benefit that He used it anyway. This is that part where they have the whole, "you're not married but have been married five times but you're living with a man you're not married to" conversation. It's really a beautiful thing that of all people, He used her to save an entire city. But that's who He is and what He's about so it's not surprising at all.

He tells her all about herself but does she get it? Mmm not quite, but she's getting warmer. Verse 19, again with the Sir, "I perceive that you are a prophet. Our fathers worshiped in this mountain and you people say that in Jerusalem is the place where men ought to worship." Aaaaa bitter much? First of all what the heck does that have to do with anything? I mean really, that is so besides the point. But you know how we get when the Holy Spirit comes and convicts us. That moment the Light shines into a hidden part of our soul that was hidden for a reason, because it was ugly! We, or I guess I should say, I tend to squirm a bit. I sometimes get a little uncomfortable and try and change the subject to get that Light off myself and remind Him of all the wrongs done to me! After all she says, "Our fathers have worshiped here for generations. It's Jacob's well for crying out loud. He built it, drank from it, and fed his cattle from it but it's not good enough for you people who say we have to worship in Jerusalem or we can't worship at all." OK she, practically says that.

This is where it starts to get really good. Jesus cuts straight to the heart of the matter and again I feel like His words aren't just for her. They are for us: "Woman, believe Me, an hour is coming when neither in this mountain nor in Jerusalem will you worship the Father. You worship what you do not know; we worship what we know, for salvation is from the Jews. But an hour is coming, and now is, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth; for such people the Father seeks to be His worshipers. God is spirit and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth."

Alright here's what I think. She probably looked at Him with an extremely perplexed expression, not unlike many Jesus spoke to I'm sure. Before I move on I'd like to point out that Jesus knew she didn't know. I mean He even says it, "You worship what you do not know." She doesn't know anything about worshiping God and even after conversing WITH God she still didn't get it. But that's not the point. The Jews got salvation but only after thousands of years of having it pounded into their heads and many still missed it. But that's not the point either. It's not about where, whether on the mountain, in Jerusalem, or on a house or with a mouse or in a box in red socks. An hour is coming, and now is. All. The. Time. When the true worshipers will worship in spirit and truth. That part was for me and you. But back to her.

Does she get it? And by "It" I mean does she see HIM? Does she perceive He is her's? Does her soul wake up and see that He sees her. All that she is? All that she was created to be? Does she realize who she is talking to like He said way back in verse 10? *sigh* Sadly, no. She does not. Again, she tells Him what she knows. Which is nothing. At all. It's almost painful to see. After those beautiful words tumble from His beautiful lips she says, like an eager student to prove she's not a ding bat, "I know that Messiah is coming (He who is called Christ; when that one comes He will declare all things to us." Oh precious child. How she is loved! For He says, "I who speak to you am He." Please know I am not judging this woman. I am this woman. Have been this woman. Except for the five husbands thing, I know what it is like to see and not perceive. To hear but not understand. I know what it is to be loved by Him despite my idiocy.

"I who speak to you am He." At this point the disciples walk up and are amazed that He's speaking to her, which amazes me. I mean, hasn't He done enough amazing things by now to just trust in every single move He makes and every word He speaks without wondering what the heck He's doing and why and doesn't He know He's not supposed to do it? At least they've learned by now to keep their mouths shut (vrs 27). So she leaves. And maybe that's why He seems to me to be a little perturbed with His disciples. I wish I could have been there. I wish I could have seen exactly what happened. She leaves her pot too. He just told her who He is. And it's clear she still doesn't get it because later she tells the men in Drunken to come see a man who told her all the things that she has ever done and "this is not the Christ, is it?" Is it?

In my heart I believe that her heart must have been doing some crazy flip flops. Something had to have happened in her heart for her to be able to convince all those men to climb up that mountain. She must have been beautiful so that probably helped, but still. It was a mountain that they had to climb and even Jesus was weary from climbing it and He was probably climbing down.

"Meanwhile." Love that word here. It's like watching a movie right? Or a TV show. Two perspectives at once. She's talking to all the men and meanwhile the disciples were urging Jesus to eat something. And this next bit made my heart ache to the point I had to take a break from studying it. If you're still reading this I congratulate you and thank you. Please bare with me a bit longer.

In verse 32 Jesus does His thing, ya know, confusing the disciples and often all of us (Ha!) with riddles. "I have food to eat that you do not know about." Food. What might have appeared to be an exhausting, exasperating, in all probability pointless conversation with someone was actually, according to the Hebrew translation of that word "food," the soul's food, either which refreshes the soul, or nourishes and supports it. It's the same word used in John 6:55, "For My flesh is true food, and My blood is true drink." And John 6:27, "Do not work for that which perishes but for the food which endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give to you , for on Him the Father, God, has set His seal." Again, the same Hebrew word for, "eating" used in  Romans 14:17, " for the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit." And the same as in 2 Cor. 9:10, " Now He who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness."

This soul nourishing food is Jesus. It comes from Jesus. And the Father. And the Holy Spirit. It's supplied by Him, cultivated in us by Him and the harvest, in turn, is His food. His food was to do the Father's will, which was to accomplish His work. Which was to save all of us. So who are we to say, "There is yet four months to harvest" (vrs 35). For behold, "lift up your eyes" the eyes of the mind, the faculty of knowing. Say, as the men from Samaria, "we believe, for we have heard for ourselves and know that this One is indeed the Savior of the world" (vrs 42).

Out of Darkness

Had to share this with all of you. This is a really spectacular song. It's one of those totally inhabited songs ya know? I'm apparently not techie enough to figure out how to put it straight onto my blog so...Click. Listen. Soak. Download. Share. In that order :)
http://nickandmike.bandcamp.com/


Here's the lyrics:

You are the source of life
And no darkness hides in You
It trembles in Your light,
It trembles in Your sight.
 
 So shine Your light in me
And bring out the hidden things
So darkness cannot hide in me
So darkness cannot hide in me

So let Your love light the way
Let Your love light the way
Let Your love light the way to freedom.
Light the way to freedom

So all I can offer You
My heart, broken in two
My brokenness for innocence
My brokenness for innocence

We are running out of darkness
And into the light, into the light
We don’t have to fear the darkness
‘Cause we have the light
You are the light

Shine your light in me. Let that be my prayer every day.

Angels

Yesterday I colored my hair. You can see from my pic it's usually pink. I do love it when it's pink but recently I was given a lot of really nice clothes and my pink hair really clashed. I usually like to go darker in the fall and winter anyway. Why am I tell you this you ask? Because today I was taking a pic of my hair to send to my Momma and show her my new look. And check. It. Out.

You can see my confused look. What is that? I checked my flash. I didn't even have my flash on. I looked over my shoulder. Didn't see anything. I was not standing in front of a mirror. So I took another pic.

At this point I'm thinking, "Is that what I think it is?" So I took another.

I'm thinking, "Oh my gosh is that an angel? What is that?" I look over my shoulder again. Nothing. I wiggle the camera around and there is this big ball of light. So of course I take another pic.

Does that look like a hand to you? Hmm...

I normally don't get into stuff like this. So any skepticism would not surprise me. All I know is I know I'm not alone. Boom.