I'm not going to lie. I've been distracted. By what? Stupid stuff. Sleep, Facebook, housework, pretty much anything other then Him. It's totally bringing me down. Spiritually, emotionally, even physically. I know He's there. I know I'm not alone and I don't feel any tension necessarily, just feeling blah. I think a problem people tend to have is instant gratification. I'm such a spiritual junky and literally feel like I'm on a high (no Mom, I've never been "high" so I'm only guessing) after experiencing Him. But sometimes getting to a place of experiencing His presence takes some effort. Sometimes it calls for repentance, sacrifice, and surrender. Why would I go through all that trouble when I can get online and be flooded with instant gratification in this very abstract world? TV, movies, online games, even books feed this very spiritual side that I have but just like feeding my body a bunch of chemicals tricks my taste buds but starves my body, so it is with all this "stuff." It tricks my mind and senses but my spirit is starved for Him. I can be in the clouds with Him one day and feel far away the next. It's partly because I am still growing in those "grounding" qualities of
Martha. I feel the void but some how can't get out of the daze. It's in these times that I have to suck it up and dive in. Push through until I find Him. I heard this song today by Danen Kane called Beautiful Mess. It describes this dilemma perfectly. Am I the only one who feels this way?
(I cut out the redundant parts for the sake of reading)
Everyday I wake to find You, everyday I fall apart
Just like a storm of good intention, like a stone that missed it’s mark
How can I know about Your beauty, all of the wonders You possess
And yet still rush to feed my senses, neglecting what is best
Everyday, everyday
I want to crawl across Your sky, I want to be romanticized
I want to feel Your breath whisper something softly in my ear
I want to step inside Your window, I want to dwell inside Your fire
Oh that Your voice would be my conscience, that Your wish was my desire
Echoes of angels on my shoulders, trying to find the peace of mind
I want to laugh, I want to cry, I want to quit wasting time
You gave me life, to live beyond the bleed
I want to live as though I’ve died, I want my soul to come alive
I want to taste Your love sweetly as the tears flow from your eyes
I know You’re mine, and you know that I am a slave to Your love
You celebrate the wage I am
Such a beautiful mess,
Why don’t You take me over
So thankful that He doesn't give up on me.
