Stay in the Pain

Ever been brokenhearted? Disappointed? Betrayed? What do you do when that happens? How do you go on? When you've been dealt a crushing blow, what keeps you going? What then?

I've come to this beautiful place in my relationship with Daddy God. I used to wonder, "Where are You?" I'd call out to Him. I'd stretch my hand out into the emptiness, in the dark and fear. And He'd come. I'd find Him. I would know He was near. I thought that was wonderful but there was always a moment of despair in loneliness.

Now, I'm in a new place of knowing Him. I sort of fell into to it. Into Him. And now, I never feel alone. No matter where I am, metaphorically or matter-of-factly, I feel Him. In me. Or me in Him. I'm not sure which. Either way, as if we share a heart beat, I'm with Him.

I tell you this to explain that after recently being crushed by a mighty wave of disappointment, you would understand that I didn't need to search Him out. I felt Him with me, absorbing my tears, taking to heart my pain. Being tossed in the wave with me. And after all my tears were spent and my heart was emptied out to Him. I heard Him ask me the same question. What now?

And slowly, nearly unconsciously I began to fill my heart myself. With bitterness. With resentment. With unforgiveness. Even with revenge. I started to feel better. A crust was forming of the broken place in my heart. It dulled the ache. I had a plan and it made me feel better. I wiped the tears away.

Ever so gently, relentlessly, I heard Him break through my senses. Striking right through my defenses His breath on my soul. Stay in the pain. 

This could easily be misunderstood but I knew right away what He meant...

To lay down my right to disappointment. To see the other person as He sees them. To feel compassion when there is nothing but His well of love to draw from. To be the one to let go. To forgive. To sink deeper into Him and watch myself fade away. It. Is. Pain. A horrible, searing pain.

To say yes to Him and die to self. To keep walking in love when all you want to do is run away in anger. To never, ever be recognized for the sacrifice. It just hurts so bad. 

But in the pain He is there. In the anger His is not. In the bitterness He is not. In the resentment He is not. But as I turn, from darkness to blinding hot pain, I feel Him. And He is proud of me. And He is love. And He fills all the empty, hurting places of my heart and I know there is more where that came from. So much more. And I'm wrapped up in Him deeper then I've ever been.

And, "What now?" you ask. You do it over and over again, every time you pour out that love to the circumstance, that part of you, you can never get back. Every time you're tempted back to not love. Go back to the pain. And He is there. Endless.