Well, Bless My Socks Off

We are a household that lives pay check to pay check. Not unlike many I'm sure. We have a lovely house and dependable cars and all our needs are taken care of but we often give up many of our wants. I'm pretty cool with this most of the time. I like living a simple life and am just fine not wearing name brands and all that. But I have been known to occasionally complain about not having a enough money for something I want or usually it's something I want to do. I've often asked the Lord for "big" blessings and to get us to the place where we don't have to struggle or go with out so many "wants." Anyone relate? I don't consider myself a discontent person but having some extra money to give, to save, to do any number of fun things with would sure be nice.

*sigh*

So Father has been teaching me. That's not always fun, but He's also really blessing me. Sometimes we get caught up in the big stuff or what we don't have and want that we miss out on the little things. So I wanted to list a few things that He's given me that's just been something a little extra. He's so sweet like that and it's a good way to remind yourself how good you really got it.

Last spring someone gave me a ton of beautiful, very nice quality winter clothes. I had to put them away over the summer but what a joy it's been to pull out all these goodies now that it's gotten cold again!

I recently was given 2 ginormous trash bags full of summer and winter clothes and was able to give away a lot of it. It's such a blessing to bless other people.

My mom was visiting recently and bought me and my three kids new shoes! WHAT?!

I found an amazing bargain at a consignment store and bought coats for my kids for less then what I was expecting to spend on one.

I give piano lessons. I've been so blessed to be able to do something that I really enjoy to help supplement our income. Last week two of my students had to drop out, which is a major, major bummer. I posted an add and that day got 4 more! 

My daughter needed some new markers for school and she just happened to win the quiet seat prize at church and guess what it was? A new set of markers! Can't make that up folks.

Just this week I was moaning and groaning about not getting to go on a date with my husband because we didn't have the money for a sitter and the cost of a movie. So last night was our family dinner at our church. There was a friendly chili cook off and I entered a chili in the vegetarian category and won!! I couldn't believe it. This is where the Lord really taught me something. I was honestly, secretly hoping for 3rd because I didn't believe I was good enough for 1st. So after they called the winner for 3rd and 2nd place I started to get totally disappointed! I was stunned when they called my name for 1st! Isn't that just like the Lord? Here I am hoping for crumbs and He's offering the banquet table. And don't you wonder what the prize was? A gift card to the movies! Now we can go on that date! I love it!

I've had to make a choice. Do I look at all that I'm missing out on and cry about it or do I look at all that I have and trust Him to bless and provide for me? What a joy it has been to list some of these things out and remember and thank Him. So often He's in the little, daily things we over look or take for granted.

I challenge you to look for Him in those places and see Him loving you in the quiet moments, in the smiles of your children, the phone call from a friend at just the right time, and the little blessings along the way.

I would love to hear some of your stories. Do you have a testimony of God smiling down on you in that special way that just changes everything? Please share in the comments!





Proverbs 30:8
...Give me neither poverty nor riches;
Feed me with the food that is my portion.

Down the Mountain

Have you ever tried to do something without the help of the Lord? By "something" I mean literally anything. Was talking to a dear friend yesterday about marriage, raising kids, and how to know if you have enough kids or if you're supposed to have more. Super good talk. She has much wisdom and love...actually we call her Love because, well she just is. We talked a lot about trust versus fear when it comes to how we see God and His ability to take care of us, especially when we are living His heart in these areas. I felt really good about all we had discussed. I felt like I was trusting Him with my marriage and children and the possibility of future children. Yes, I said it. Future. Children. I felt like I was trusting His timing too.

But then later, as I was having my "quiet time" with Him, He gave me a picture of what I was really doing. Ever had that happen? It's totally cool. So as I was praying about what Love and I had talked about all of a sudden I see myself flying down a hill, like the one pictured, on a bicycle. Not a mountain bike. Oh no, this was like my 3rd grade bike. It had streamers on the handle bars and a little basket in the front. I had my pink princess helmet on too. I thought I was doing pretty good. I was still on the thing after all. But you know that feeling you get when you're riding a bike or even running down a steep hill? That feeling like you can't keep up? Like you're going to face plant any second? Yeah that one. That's the feeling I got. I was breathless with anxiety. There was no way I could keep from falling. This is what raising kids with out the help of the Lord is like. Like falling down a large mountain. Ha! So true!

Then He gave me another picture. He reminded me what it was like to go trail riding on my horse (I used to have a horse). I would go with a friend, who happened to be way more experienced then I was, and we would try to find these little cliffs to climb and go down. Sometimes it was scary. Sometimes my friend wanted to go down terrain that I was nervous about. But I did trust my horse. We both had sure footed, experienced horses that knew what they were doing. The times that I was scared all I had to do was close my eyes. A horse riding expert may not recommend this but it worked for me. That's what the Lord reminded me of. I would hold on tight, lean back, close my eyes, and trust my horse. It was fun. This is how you do things, not in your own strength, but by His.

Sometimes life with God is like going down a mountain...about 30 mph...on a horse. Remember the cowboy movies where you see the cowboy gallop his horse down a steep hill? All you can do is close your eyes, hold on tight, and trust that the horse knows what it's doing. He doesn't always want to take us around the mountain. Sometimes He wants to take us straight up, down narrow paths, through rushing rivers, and down steep ravines. When we do things His way, trusting Him, and letting Him carry us it's easy...and actually kind of fun!

Titus 3:5

Wanted to share this. This reminded me that He is All the Time. A good day to remember that.

Titus 3:5 NASB:

 He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit.

So many things that I love about this scripture. It's hard to get past that first bit. He. Saved. Us. Can't help but linger there in thankfulness. But it get's better, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness. I love that it says, in righteousness there. It's like he's specifically talking to those that are saved who have tried to save themselves. Ya know what I mean? There are many who have never tried to save themselves. Some of us were running in the complete opposite direction when He swooped in and pulled us up out of the pit. But for those of us who have worked hard all their lives to be good. To do good. To be righteous. He saved you, not because of those deeds but according to His mercy because nothing we could ever do would be good enough.

I recently learned that, that word regeneration, "refers to the spiritual rebirth of the individual soul." It's where we get that term "born again" from. When I think of regeneration I think of all the horrible things that could happen to a body, mind, or soul and then seeing that play backwards to become a perfect, pure, whole person. The person He created us to be. Ever seen a car commercial where they show a crash and then in slow motion move backwards to where it never happened? It goes back to the brand new car but for us we start over. We literally, "begin again."

The added word, washing paints a beautiful picture. This is not like a car wash. The Holy Spirit doesn't get out His bucket of soap and scrub brush and go to work scrubbing away our filth. Think instead of what it's like to be baptized. What a picture baptism is of what happens to our soul. I remember being baptized. I completely surrendered and went down into the water. It was like slow motion. I felt the water begin to cover me. I held my breath and gave myself to Him in a new way. I came out washed, cleaned, restored, and yes, regenerated. You can't scrub away dents and broken places or even memories of how they happened. When He washes you He restores you. He heals the broken places, seals the wounds, and replaces the memories.

Which brings me to that last bit, AND renewing by the Holy Spirit. It doesn't stop with just being saved. He saved us, regenerated us, and saves us some more. Over and over. We are saved once according to His mercy by the regenerative work on the cross. We're in. Part of the family. Going to heaven. However you want to say it. But it doesn't stop there. We can let Him save us every day by the renewing of the Holy Spirit. This is really good news. I'm so thankful to Him for caring enough about me that He'd want me to be free, regenerated, if you will, to Him. Every. Day. Or should I say every moment? Had days like that? He invades your moment, brings peace and joy but before you know it you're drowning again. The best part? We don't have to do anything but yield. Just yield. Say, "I can't do it on my own." I think that is why he added that part at the beginning about our deeds having nothing to do with salvation. They have nothing to do with it in the beginning and nothing to do with it in the renewing. It's His work, this whole saving thing. Let Him save you.

Cheek to Cheek

Hard to believe I wrote this over a year ago. In the blink of an eye my baby grew from 11 months to 24 months! Just wanted to repost this in honor of his second birthday since I didn't manage to blog about that. He still makes me smile in a way no one else can. We still like to dance. He still reminds me of the love the Father has for me.... 

I put the big kids down for naps and decided to get some house work done. Bret was happily playing in his play pen and I turned on some music. After a while Bret wasn't playing quite as happily. I picked him up, swung him around and started dancing with him cheek to cheek to "My Sweet Sweet Song". (listen here) My baby, 11 months old tomorrow. Singing softly to him, cheek to cheek. Smooching on his sweet neck. Smelling his sweet baby smell. "You are so good to me. You heal my broken heart," the words on my lips. "You are my Father in heaven." Twirling around the room with my baby. His goodness overwhelms me. How can a God who literally rides upon the clouds care so much about me? How can He love me so much? How can He take care of all my messes knowing I'm just going to fail again? "I will sing again, You are beautiful, my sweet sweet song." It's like this baby in my arms, this love He has for me. It's unspeakable, immeasurable the love I have for my son. I swing him around and he smiles. How I delight in this baby! How He delights in us, His children. He longs to pick you up and spin you around just to see you smile. "I will sing again, You are my Father in heaven, You are so good to me." Let Him delight in you. Let Him dance with you. "My sweet sweet song." There's healing in the music, in the dance. His heart beat in the rhythm. Bask in His love for you. Thank Him for all His goodness. It changes everything.

Rest in the Waiting

We are all aware of the seasons. Besides the weather we all also experience different seasons of life. I am currently in a season of waiting. I would not have said that before. I thought I was in transition. That I was transitioning from one season to another and that in the mean time I was waiting. Well, I was only sort of waiting. More like I was struggling to get to the next season. I have wanted this period of waiting to end. I have wanted it only to be a short period of transition into a new and wonderful season, most likely of my own making. I have even suggested to the Lord many fine alternatives to this waiting. I have even said that I am willing to do anything else. But I realized today. I am in transition because I have not wanted to accept the season that I'm in. I am in a season of waiting, not waiting to transition to a new season. As this revelatory idea began to bloom in my mind the Lord asked me how long I wanted the transition to take. If I was going to keep fighting it or if I would rest in the waiting.

I thought of a doctor's office waiting room. When I was pregnant with my middle child, Alex my doctor had a beautiful waiting room. It was very peaceful and calm with large black and white pictures of pregnant bellies and babies. There was always peaceful music softly playing and big comfy sofas and pillows to sit on. The receptionist was always kind and helpful. I really didn't mind that waiting room so much. I would take a book or magazine and enjoy the quiet peacefulness of waiting. Despite being a fairly impatient person by nature I didn't mind the wait because I knew it was just part of having to go to the doctor. I didn't fight it. I planned my appointments knowing there would be a 20-30 minute waiting period. I planned ahead and brought my headphones and book. I actually began to look forward to those moments of quiet rest.

If I would have gotten up and complained to the receptionist it would not have made a difference. If I would have made a different appointment I still would have had to wait. If I would have screamed or shouted it would not have gotten me in to the doctor any sooner. If I would have begged and pleaded and cried it would not have changed the fact that I would still have to wait.

Rest in the waiting.

We sing this song at church called "Everlasting God." (Actually I realized while writing this blog that there are several different songs about the Everlasting God and they all have lyrics about waiting...interesting.)
The essence of the song is:
The Lord is my light and salvation, whom shall I fear? Whom shall I be afraid?
I will wait for You, I will wait for You
I will remain confident in this, I will see the goodness of the Lord 
We set our hope on You, we set our hope on Your love, we set our hope on the One
Who is the everlasting God, You are the everlasting God, You are the everlasting.

This song is taken, quite possibly unintentionally, right out of Psalm 27. That part about hope and the goodness of the Lord is from Psalm 27:13: I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord In the land of the living. That word "despaired" means the opposite of hope. You could say, "I would have had the opposite of hope or no hope unless I had believed...." Immediately following in verse 14 it says: Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord. What do these two verses have to do with each other? What does God's goodness and my hope in His goodness have to do with waiting? I think He knows waiting is hard. We have no concept of what everlasting or eternal means. We only know time. I think He knew this idea may be hard to grasp and that is why He reminds us of His goodness and His everlasting-ness. That's why David had to tell his soul to take courage. It was not his natural inclination.
 
I am loved by an everlasting, good God. Today I will set my hope on Him. I will tell my heart to take courage. I will draw near to Him with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith by letting my Spirit minister to my soul since my heart is sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and my body washed with pure water. I will hold fast the confession of that hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful (Heb 10:22-23). I will rest in the waiting.

Filipino Mango

When I lived in the Philippines I used to eat these delicious, locally grown mangos. Mm! Making my mouth water even now! They were so good! I had at least one nearly every day. Sometimes they were really sweet but sometimes you would get one that was a little tangy too. They were my favorite. Not sure what made me think of those mangos today but that made me think of the pineapples I ate in Panama. OH MY GOODNESS they were good! You've never tasted a pineapple so good, unless of course you've had one in Panama. Imagine the best pineapple or mango you've ever eaten. Now think about the fact that the growers of these fruit, after harvesting, keep the best for themselves and ship everything else to the states. So, the very best pineapple or mango you've ever had was actually one of the worst ones grown. That's why they taste so different over seas, because they really are  nothing like what gets shipped over here. I remember, after coming home from the Philippines, I bought a huge bag full of mangos from Wal-Mart. I was so excited and couldn't wait to eat them. It was like bringing a bit of the Philippines home with me. That is, until I took a bite of one. BLEH! It was awful compared to what I had over there. This is the honest truth, I have not taken a bite of a mango since. Not one time, er well there was a bit of mango in a sangria I had a few weeks ago, but even then I noted the difference. It's been 7 years since I was in the Philippines (ah! 7 years?! *tear*). That's a long time to go without a mango. But what can I say? Filipino mangos ruined me.

I once read a story about a girl who "died" for a few minutes before she was resuscitated. She said while she was in heaven she had strawberries with the angels. Can you imagine what a heavenly strawberry must taste like? I doubt she'd ever be able to eat a strawberry again no matter what country she was in.

Have you ever experienced anything like that? Where you were just absolutely ruined by someone or something? The standard was just raised so high that nothing can compare? 

Of course this reminds me of something about my relationship with Father God. This is me we're talking about after all. There are some things God has just ruined me for, in a good way. I'm completely uninterested in living life without Him. I've tasted of Him. He's too good to want to taste anything else. Now that's not saying occasionally I haven't experimented in areas I should not have in the past. But, BLEH!, was my same reaction. Jut like I'm not even tempted at the grocery store to buy a mango, I walk right on pass without giving them a second glance, I'm not even a little tempted to find another source for life.


You know what I am learning though? There are many different areas I haven't let Him "ruin" yet. Before I had a Filipino mango I had no idea what I was missing. It can be like that now with Him. It's like He's saying, "Oh you think that mango is good? You haven't tried my kiwi. You don't know what you're missing!"

So today let's take a bite out of Him. Let Him fill you with something new. Let Him ruin you for all other fruits.

Daily bread, Father. Ruin us. We want to taste You and know Your goodness. Spoil every other thing that would try to compare.

Ripening

Gardening. It's a beautiful thing. Would never have thought so before I actually started gardening. It seems I learn a lesson every time I step foot in the dirt. With every weed pulled, I am reminded of the constant care the Father takes in His garden, my heart. The constant watering reminds me of the life that must be constantly poured over my soul from the well of life that is His Word. I am aware of and must take precautionary measures against the constant, ongoing invasion from every bug, disease, and sprig of grass that assults my garden, just as it is with my heart.

In my garden this year are three cherry tomato plants. So far this year, I've harvested only about fifteen cherry tomatoes. I also have cucumber plants from which I've harvested about thirty cucumbers. I planted both plants at the same time. I water them the same amount. I've given them both fertilizer. I've weeded both areas the same. Overall, I've cared for them exactly the same. Why have my cucumbers produced so much more volume then that of my tomatoes? By nature, cucumbers are much larger so that for every cucumber produced it would take maybe fifteen or more cherry tomatoes to equal the same volume. Theoretically, my tomatoes should be producing roughly fifteen tomatoes per cucumber. I have a friend who has tomato plants that have been this productive, as her plants are twice the size of mine.

Why is it that in my garden one plant has been much more fruitful then another?

Why does it seem like whatever plant in the garden of my heart that produces patience is withered and dead? If the fruits of the Spirit must be grown what do we do while they are still ripening?

Recently, at church I've been learning about the fruits of the Spirit Paul talked about in Galations 5. Last Sunday the message was about patience. There have been plenty opportunities to exercise patience this week. I've been a struggle. I asked the Lord last night why I was having such a hard time.

I felt that whisper in my heart, What do you do when there is not enough fruit in your garden to feed your family?

Well I would go buy some. Then I remembered that my friend with an abundance of tomatoes gave me some of her excess. She gave me a lot actually. More then enough to get me through.

I really believe that God is my source and that He knows when I'm running low on a resouce. He has more then enough. He always gives freely of Himself. In fact, all that He is, is inside of me. Even though I'm growing and maturing and may even be lacking in some areas, all that He is, is within my reach. When I'm out of patience or gentleness, He gives it to me. He gives me the gift of patience because He gave me the gift of His Spirit. When I lack peace or joy, He gifts me with them. He gets me through until those fruits have ripened in my Spirit. Some areas of my heart are more fruitful then others. Like my cucumbers and kale, I have had more then enough and have been delighted to give away much of my harvest.

As He sees a need, He also blesses me with opportunites of growth. He knows exactly how much we can handle and is a never-ending source of good gifts. He loves giving them and is happy to do so.

Isn't it interesting how some people are more fruitful in areas that you may be completely lacking in? I have a friend that seems to be extra-fruitful in the area of love. She really represents so acurately how the Father loves. I have another friend who is so faithful. It seems, no matter what the circumstance, I can alway count on her to come through. I'm not really sure what my strength is. I seem to be lacking in every area HA! Perhaps it's because I've only recently been tilled, fertilized, and planted. Many seeds have taken root and are sprouting but are not yet producing fruit. All the gifts of the Spirt were planted at the same time. Some have come up sooner then other's depending on the fertilizer, or opportunites of growth they were given.

It's beautiful to be in a communitte of excess. So many times, when I've lacked peace or joy someone has called and encouraged me. Out of the excess of their love, gentleness, and kindness they have carried me along until those fruits have ripened. I see this as blessing from Him.

What a lesson this has been for me. No longer do I see my lack as something to be embarrassed about. He's all that I need and He simply reminds me that the pain I feel is just growing pains. It's a process and I'm ripening. In the mean time He doesn't leave me all alone to provide myself. He's there. He sees. He gives me good gifts.

Eph 2:7 MSG
Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It's God's gift from start to finish!

Lessons For Living

Today while talking with a couple of other mom's about our kids we realized how often the Lord uses them to teach us things about ourselves. My dear friend was sharing how her daughter's behavior was causing something inside of her to become angry and feel out of control. She was beginning to see that the Lord was using that experience to do something inside of her.

I recently discovered something similar for myself. You may have read about it here. The whole idea is that the "something" I want to change in my child (or anyone else for that matter) is actually the "something" He wants me to surrender to Him or has something to do with the "something". Does that make sense? This has got me thinking. What if the Lord is always using "something" to teach us and grow us? How many times have I overlooked opportunities for Him to use those "somethings" to bring freedom in my own heart? It doesn't have to be just through raising children, although I can see how the Father loves using them in this way. My children have the ability to bring out the best and the worst in me, making them excellent tools to strip away the outer "perfect Christian, wife, and mother " persona I try and wear. Nothing can crack that surface like one of my children throwing a massive temper tantrum in public.

Maybe you are thinking you are off the hook because you don't have kids. Let me remind you that He is very resourceful. If you don't have kids, your kids are grown, or even if you do have kids, He has many, many ways of growing us. 

This isn't really a new thought. "That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger," right? What I discovered is most of the time I don't realize this is happening. By "this" I mean the opportunity Papa is taking to teach me something. I'm too busy asking the Lord to work on someone else or work on whatever the situation is. I become way more occupied with fixing them then with allowing Him to fix me. After all, I don't need fixing. I'm  not the one who is acting poorly. It's not that I'm bad intentioned. I can spend a lengthly amount of time "praying" for them by informing God how He should fix them.

Am I the only one like this?

Well since I'm being real I might as well tell you that there are also times when I'm feeling pretty good about myself and where I am with the Lord. I get in little ruts of self-satisfaction, pride in my mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Everything seems to be going my way. I feel I've finally arrived.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say we should walk around feeling unworthy, or completely inadequate. I'm only saying it's a beautiful thing that the Lord uses these things to do something beautiful and wonderful in us. The truth is though, I think He has more opportunities then we realize.

So right now. At this very moment. What's bugging you about someone or some situation? As I walk this all out with the Lord, I'm finding that often when I surrender my own issue about the problem, for example: forgiving that person for their behavior, repenting for my own actions in response to their behavior, or just offering up a blanket prayer of humility expressing my desire for Him to make me more like Him in every way; I'm finding that the problem goes away. Somehow there is a heavenly exchange that takes place that frees the other person and allows them to experience healing as well.

I'll admit sometimes this is hard, especially when we feel justified in our feelings. Perhaps you haven't acted out any of those ugly feelings you may have felt on the inside. You could say you've done nothing wrong and have nothing to apologize for. Even if that's true, is that the point of this new life we have in Christ? To just be "right" all the time, to be "good" Christians? Or is the point to grow into mature sons and daughters in this family? Sometimes that means facing hard truths that only you and Him know about. Sometimes the work He does in you doesn't change the other person at all even if they really need to change. Surrendering to Him doesn't make what others do or a horrible situation any less wrong. We trust that He does have our best interests at heart. If there is something He wants us to surrender it's something that's holding us back not something that He's keeping back from us. 

I think we can establish that the fact is He wants to use these things to grow us up in our walk with Him. We can trust that it is for our own good because of His immeasurable love and desire for good for us.

Having established that, let me repeat a question I asked earlier. What if the Lord is always using "something" to teach us and grow us? 

Always. 

Always? 

Even when we're feeling good about ourselves? Even if it's actually the other person who has the problem? 

Just like my sons and my daughter never stop growing, (they eat all the time!) I don't stop growing. Or at least I shouldn't stop growing. I don't want to stop growing. He always wants me to grow. This leads to questions that I think we can ask daily that are answered in the form of our daily bread. 

"What do You want to do in me through this situation? Is there something in me that should be surrendered to You? Is there something You want to change in me even when I feel like everyone else is the problem?" 

You can't change people, but you can allow the Lord to use those relationship and situations to bring healing, freedom, and maturity in your heart. The amazing thing though, and I'm learning this more and more, is that this does often result in healing, freedom, and growth for everyone. That is nothing short of miraculous!

Psalm 119: 33-41 MSG
   God, teach me lessons for living
      so I can stay the course.
   Give me insight so I can do what you tell me—
      my whole life one long, obedient response.
   Guide me down the road of your commandments;
      I love traveling this freeway!
   Give me a bent for your words of wisdom,
      and not for piling up loot.
   Divert my eyes from toys and trinkets,
      invigorate me on the pilgrim way.
   Affirm your promises to me—
      promises made to all who fear you.
   Deflect the harsh words of my critics—
      but what you say is always so good.
   See how hungry I am for your counsel;
      preserve my life through your righteous ways!
 Let your love, God, shape my life
      with salvation, exactly as you promised;

It's So Good Being Free.

The 4th of July. A time to celebrate our country's birth and all the wonderful freedom's we have. A time to honor the men and women who helped us get here. But what I'm really celebrating today is, being free. I'm free. Free from hurts, free from fear, free from constantly being concerned about what other people think about me. Free. (I'm totally jamming down to Francesca Battistelli's Free to Be Me in my head right now, by the way). It's a wonderful feeling, this freedom thing. I'm full of joy, full of peace and I'm just basking in the glow of His glory.

"Our heart is like a house." I quote one of our pastors who spoke yesterday at my church, Believers Church. I love, love, LOVE, this imagery. Our heart is like a house. There are rooms we decide to give over to God and let Him be in control of. But it seems like there is always one or two rooms we keep for ourselves. They are a mess. Totally trashed out, horrible wall paper covering the walls. Why do we hold back these rooms? He wants to come in and remodel, to transform our lives. Why hold back? If Ty Pennington came up to you and offered to build you a beautiful, state-of-the-art mansion would you say, "Hmm actually I like my messy house just the way it is, thanks anyway though." NO! Of course you wouldn't. God is offering us something so amazing, so wonderful. Such an amazing opportunity to be His child, for FREE. There are no strings attached. He wants to take all those things that make you feel hurt, that make you worry, that make you feel depressed and down and He wants to make them new. Mourning into dancing, that kind of thing, you get the idea.

Thank you Father for making me free. Even though it takes a daily effort on my part, to surrender to Your will, to continually hand over those "closets" I cling on to in the back corners of my heart, thank you for making it all worth it. Thank you that even though it feels so hard at the time, I never, ever regret it.
Thank you for the freedoms I have in this country, and in my life. In the physical and spiritual.

Hope everyone has a wonderfully beautiful 4th of July.


Romans 6:17-23 MSG
You know well enough from your own experience that there are some acts of so-called freedom that destroy freedom. Offer yourselves to sin, for instance, and it's your last free act. But offer yourselves to the ways of God and the freedom never quits. All your lives you've let sin tell you what to do. But thank God you've started listening to a new master, one whose commands set you free to live openly in his freedom!
 ¹⁹I'm using this freedom language because it's easy to picture. You can readily recall, can't you, how at one time the more you did just what you felt like doing—not caring about others, not caring about God—the worse your life became and the less freedom you had? And how much different is it now as you live in God's freedom, your lives healed and expansive in holiness?
 ^20-21As long as you did what you felt like doing, ignoring God, you didn't have to bother with right thinking or right living, or right anything for that matter. But do you call that a free life? What did you get out of it? Nothing you're proud of now. Where did it get you? A dead end.
 ^22-23But now that you've found you don't have to listen to sin tell you what to do, and have discovered the delight of listening to God telling you, what a surprise! A whole, healed, put-together life right now, with more and more of life on the way! Work hard for sin your whole life and your pension is death. But God's gift is real life, eternal life, delivered by Jesus, our Master.

Decisions Decisions

I have had to make so many decisions lately, or at least I thought so. So many life altering things have been happening all around me lately, and I've had to come to a complete stand still and ask, "Is this really Your will?"

Truthfully, my relationship with the Lord has never been better. I've never felt this close to Him in my life. Never have I been so willing to do His will. The problem is I've been doubting my ability to hear from Him.

"Is that really You God?"

"What should I do?"

"Is that just my own crazy voice in my head?"

I've felt frustrated.

"Lord I'll do anything, anything, I just want to do what You want me to do."

But it hasn't been clear.

And I've been confused.

Anyone else been there? You just want to do the right thing. Even when you don't know what that is you at least don't want to do the wrong thing. And when there is no clear path, which way do you go?

Today I was reminded though, that it is His job to make it clear. He's responsible for making Himself heard.

Let that blow up in your mind for a second.

He wants you to hear from Him and He will get louder, and louder until you do. He will always make Himself known and heard. He always has. He always will. It's my job to do what He says. And if I'm willing then I don't have to worry.

The Bible is full of plenty of examples of Him sending warning after warning and direction after direction and plenty of times where He made Himself completely and utterly clear. He even went so far as to send His Son, Who fulfilled like a gazillion prophesies, to get His point across. The Word is also full of examples of times when His people did not listen. They weren't willing to hear. They weren't willing to bend to His Word. They listened to others and followed them instead. They didn't silence every other voice and follow after Him. But He never failed them.

He was faithful.

Can I trust that?

Can I trust that if He wants me to do something or to tell me something that He will make Himself heard?

The answer for me is undoubtedly "YES!" I do trust Him.

Do I trust myself? *sigh*

Let's cut ourselves a break shall we? Can we just drop the weight of worry and self doubt? Can we allow Him to carry our burdens, even when it means trusting Him with our own ability to hear Him when He speaks? He loves us. He really, really, REALLY loves us. He doesn't want us to go the wrong way any more then we want to.

Today I chose to not worry about the decisions. Today I choose to trust Him with the answer. Today I choose to trust Him to tell me the answer. And to keep telling me the answer if I don't hear it the first time...or the second time. Today I trust Him to be there if I fail. To catch me if I fall. To love me when I'm unlovable. I trust Him to be faithful.

When Your Soul is Faint

Hebrews 12 NASB

1 Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

³ For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

It seems to me that generally when we think of the sins talked about in verse one we, or at least I, often think of "BIG" sin. Sin we would never consider ourselves tempted by: criminal acts, acts of anger or violence, sexual immorality, even lying, cheating, or stealing. We think to ourselves, "Phew, don't have to worry about that." But last night as I read this verse that word, "easily" stood out to me. For most of us, or at least I hope this is true, we don't easily fall into those "big" sins. So that made me start to think about the "easy" sins. What do I get easily entangled by? For me it looks like worry, anxiety, disappointment, insecurity, self doubt or self loathing, feeling like I'm unworthy or not good enough. Oh and then there is bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness, fear, and discontent. Am I alone in that?

All of those things really are easy to fall into. They do easily entangle and I think that's because for the most part we can hide them. I really believe these are the things that the author had in mind when he wrote Hebrews. I believe this because in verse three he goes on to say, "For consider Him who has endured...so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." In the foot note of my Bible it says, "fainting in your souls." Wow that so perfectly describes some of my feelings lately. I've felt overwhelmed and have found myself so easily entangled in those easy sins. My soul is faint. But he says to put aside those things, to fix my eyes on Jesus who endured the cross so that I would not have to be ensnared by those sins.

But. How? How do I set those things aside? I know my stuff is nothing in comparison to Hebrews 11:32-40 but how do I keep from being consumed by my world and my situations? 



For consider Him... 

I love what the AMP Bible has to say in verse 3: Just think of Him Who endured from sinners such grievous opposition and bitter hostility against Himself [reckon up and consider it all in comparison with your trials], so that you may not grow weary or exhausted, losing heart and relaxing and fainting in your minds. 

So today instead of letting myself become consumed, ensnared, and entangled I reckon I'm just going to reckon up and consider all that He has done. I'm going to think of Him. Just think on Him. He's always the answer. 

I'm going to let my heart take courage and find strength. Today I'm going to live out verse 12:

¹² So then, brace up and reinvigorate and set right your slackened and weakened and drooping hands and strengthen your feeble and palsied and tottering knees,

¹³ And cut through and make firm and plain and smooth, straight paths for your feet [yes, make them safe and upright and happy paths that go in the right direction], so that the lame and halting [limbs] may not be put out of joint, but rather may be cured.

I love those words "cut through." They so add to the imagery. Picture yourself walking that path. It becomes thick with undergrowth, the vines seem to crawl around your ankles, entangling you. It's not you, it could have happened to anyone. It's the path we walk, but you have to fix your eyes on Him, be determined. Don't give in. Cut through and make firm and plain and smooth, straight paths so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. He's made a way for us. And He is the Prize.

 

Foresight

I really wanted to title this post "The Gift of Foresight" but didn't want you to think I meant some kind of  psychic powers or something. What I mean is I really do think having foresight can be a gift. Take my son for example. He's 3 and we're still working on potty training (although recently we've had some major break-throughs!!). You may remember this blog post, where I mentioned the difficulties we've been having. Recently, I pondered a loud to God, "Why can't he just understand that doing his business in his pants, though it may seem easier, takes much more effort?" I realize that foresight is not something children really get until they are older, which is why parents have to be so patient. And when they still don't get it we have to be even more patient. It takes a level of patience similar to the way God is with us. He reminded me about this while I was talking with Him. Foresight. It's something many of us, especially in American culture, struggle with.

Why can't we understand that taking the easy route doesn't always lead us in the right direction and often ends up being more trouble then it's worth? We see this in finances. A. Lot. We spend money we do not have because we lack foresight. Too often we make decisions without much foresight. We can't look past the now to down the road and foresee the consequences.

Me: Alex, why did you go potty in your pants?
Alex: I dunno.
Me: Was it because you didn't want to stop playing long enough to use the restroom?
Alex: Yep.
Me: Are you playing and having fun right now?
Alex: Nope.
Me: Why?
Alex: Because I went potty in my pants so now I'm dirty.
Me: And you can't play while you get cleaned up huh?
Alex: Yeah.
Me: Wouldn't it have been easier to just use the potty?
Alex: Yeah but I wanted to play. But don't worry momma I will next time...I pwomise.

This is a conversation we've had many, many, times. It's not dissimilar to the conversation I've had with God upon occasion.

God: Katie, why did you do that?
Me: I dunno.
God: Was it because you didn't want to stop playing?
Me: Yep.
God: Are you having fun now?
Me: Nope.
God: Why?
Me: Because now I'm a mess.
God: Wouldn't have been easier to do things My way.
Me. Yes but I wanted to do things my way. But don't worry Papa, I'll do it Your way next time.

Foresight. If only we could look past the now and the temporary and see what God has in store for us versus what the consequences of our actions would be on our own. I think it really has to be a gift from Him sometimes. It's hard when we're in the zone, doing whatever it is we're doing and having a great time. But when the time comes, it's always better to get up and go to Him before we find ourselves in a big, ugly mess....Trust me.

And just like I desperately want Alex to avoid those messy situations, I think He's even more desperate that we avoid our messes. The beautiful thing about the gift of foresight is that He's just as willing to give it to us as we are in need of it. And oh, how He is so faithfully patient with us. Praise Him.

Deeper Still

I keep having this picture in my head. It's tough to describe but I'll try.

It's basically just of me holding the Father's hand.

And He's leading me.

I'm not sure where, but it feels deeper somehow. He's taking me deeper.


We go up, over mountains and around obstacles.

Sometimes we go around the mountain...and then again...and sometimes again.

We go through things. Like tunnels filled with spiderweb like netting. They tug at my clothes and try to hold me back. But I notice as we go through my load is lighter on the other side. I left a heavy burden back in those webs. And I don't miss it. And I trust Him even more.

We cross rivers. Sometimes they are deep, nearly over my head and I loose my footing, but He pulls me along. He never lets go. I step out much cleaner then I was before.

It rains sometimes. And inevitably there is mud. And my feet sink in. He tells me to rest in Him but how do I rest and walk at the same time?

And occasionally we stop. Mostly because I can't keep up. He says it's easy but why does it feel so hard?

Because I've forgotten that He's the power pulling this train, not me. But He doesn't get too annoyed about that.

He waits.

And I breathe.

He speaks to me. In the dark places. He tells me He is near.

And not to fear.

He reminds me once again that it's not on my own strength that I'll walk this path. I remember the tunnels, and the rivers, and how far we've come. And I trust Him.

His hand lifts me up and I continue on. Following. Trusting. And suddenly the rain doesn't seem all that bad.


Many times the sun is shining. I have to shield my eyes as we walk into it. With light in His hair, He smiles at me and I see He is delighted to be on this journey with me.

He sings sometimes, and dances as we go.

He takes me to secret places. Places only He knows about. I wish I could stay there. Camp there. Live there.

But I know what He'll say.

Deeper still.

Never letting go. That's what love is.

It never lets go.

Hungry?

Give us this day our daily bread....

What does that look like? Last night I felt empty. I reminded the Lord, "Remember this morning? I asked you for daily bread? Are You here?"

I suppose I was spinning out. But then I felt Him say, "Do you remember?"

I remembered that earlier that day I felt His smile as I danced with my children to the tune of their praise. Alex loudly singing, "PRAISE JESUS!" and Lydia's soft high pitched voice singing out, "Oh You love us!"

I remembered being in awe of Him as I dug my hands deep into the ground, being amazed at how little tiny seeds can grow so big.

I remembered flying a kite with my kiddos at the park and noticing that it was the knot in the tail keeping it from flying high. And the lesson He taught me about how a small thing in my heart, kept hidden away from Him, can keep me from soaring to my true potential.

Remember breathing Me in?

I remembered taking a deep breath and breathing out patience towards my 3 year old after another accident.

I felt His grasp and I no longer felt empty. I felt full of Him.

It's natural to feel empty sometimes. It's good to hunger. It's the hunger that draws us close to Him. Blessed am I to hunger and thrist, for only He can satisfy. Hunger is an escort into the deeper things of Him. And I've gotta go deeper.

Spinning Out of Control?

A while back I had this dream that I was dancing. I kept spinning away from my partner but he kept pulling me in. It felt almost like a tug-of-war. In and out. Back and forth. Our hands never let go but I kept spinning and spinning. He never lost his grip on my hand. Round and round the dance floor we went. Spinning in and out. Over and over.

I woke up wondering what all that was about. The feeling stayed with me a few days. I prayed for a revelation but really didn't get anything until, during a worship service, I remembered the dream. I felt like my partner was definitely the Father, and His grip stuck out to me the most. He never let me go. I was just confused by all the spinning about. I did think it was interesting that I didn't notice His grip so much until I was the furthest away. Our arms were stretched out but His hand was locked with mine. I knew He had me.

I thought how true this is in life sometimes. We don't notice Him so much until we need Him desperately to hold onto us. When I feel the furthest from Him and I feel stretched and out of reach I just have to remember that it's in these moments He takes the opportunity to show me just how tight His grip on me is. He's not letting go. He pulls me back into His loving embrace. As comforting as it is though, I forget about that firm grasp He has on me until, once again I spin away.

I experienced an out-of-control spinning moment last night. I was searching through the scripture. Frantically trying to find some comfort, I stumbled across this Psalm. It's interesting too because I rarely read The Message translation but happened to last night.

Psalm 119:75-76 MSG
I can see now, God , that your decisions are right; your testing has taught me what's true and right. Oh, love me—and right now!—hold me tight! just the way you promised. Now comfort me so I can live, really live; your revelation is the tune I dance to. 


Pretty incredible, eh? I love that David demanded God's attention sometimes. I think God loves that. He loves it when we boldly ask for more of His love and right now! I can totally see how those times I've spun away from Him I often learned He was right all along. But like David, I want to cry out for His comfort and love in that very moment. The moment I realize I screwed up or have lost interest in Him or wandered away I want Him to pull me back in. Hold me tight! I want to truly live and dance to His revelation tune.

The Help

Psalm 27:8-9
When you said, "Seek my face." My heart said, "Your face, O Lord, I shall seek."
Do not hide your face from me.
Do not turn your servant away in anger;
You have been my help.


I've always read this like David saying to the Lord, "Do not hide your face from me. Do not turn your servant away in anger." I could see how at different times in David's life He felt like the Lord was angry with him or he felt like the Lord had turned away from him. But last night I read this with new perspective.

Who is THE Servant?

Who is our Help?

The Lord said, "Seek my face." I think He could also have meant, "Seek my face, do not hide your face from me. Do not turn your Servant away in anger. I am your help."

I thought about how in the past I've turned away in anger from God. I thought of a few people I know who are currently having that struggle. We've judged Him wrongly when we do that. We turn away from Him in anger because we have accused Him of wrong or we feel He has hurt us in some way. But the truth is. He is our help.

Jesus came to help us. He came to give to us. Matthew 20:28 says, "just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many." David didn't know Christ as his servant. In his time people could only be God's servants but now the Son of Man no longer wants servants. He came to serve so we could be His brothers and sisters.

And yet...

We so often turn our face away. We hide ourself or a piece of ourself from Him because we are angry. But He gave His life for you. Does that sound like someone who wants to hurt you? Let's turn our faces back towards Him. That's what this life is. In faith, all we can do is daily turn towards Him. Yield.

Maybe what you're feeling today is very real anger, very real disappointment. To let that go it all starts by choosing to turn your face towards Him. Just today. He never hides from us. He never turns away from us in anger. He's always there, hoping to see us turn our faces towards Him. It's because He wants to help us. I know this to be true.

A Trail of Bread Crumbs

I've been trying to think of an inspirational blog post for a while now and nothing has really come to me. It's been kind of nice though because usually when I get an idea for this blog it is accompanied by a lesson I personally have to learn and that's not always so fun.

But I couldn't leave my faithful readers hanging....I do have a few faithful readers out there right?? Well anyway I thought I would tell a fun story about how God showed up in my life in a really cool way a while back. 

Lately I've been making an effort to go back and remember some of the good things Father's done for me. We all know the importance of that right?

It all started with a recipe. A few years a go my husband and I were involved in a really fun marriage group. We all thought it would be fun to have a meal together and each bring something. The host of our group planned the meal and sent us all a recipe. One couple got an entree, one got a dessert, ect. We got an appetizer. The idea was you bring the ingredients and prepare the meal together. Everything was so fancy and several things on my ingredient list I had never even heard of.

Now I consider myself a fairly decent cook. And I know what the average bread crumb is but when I saw that Panko Bread Crumbs were on my list I was like "huh?" I didn't worry too much though because I assumed that if I went to the section of the store where normal bread crumbs were I'd find the fancy ones around there somewhere. I assumed wrong.

Let me back up a bit. I was fairly insecure and felt extremely intimidated by most people in this group. I was about 10 years younger then everyone and although we were all in the same stage of life, married about the same length of time with young children I felt behind and inadequate some how. Not to mention I didn't know what panko bread crumbs were.

I searched high and low for what became known as "those stupid freakin' bread crumbs." I literally went to every grocery store you can think of and a few of them I went to multiple locations. I also discovered that I was not alone in my ignorance because many of the store employees were clueless as well.

Finally, the day of our dinner I tried, without much hope, one last Target Super Center. At the time it hadn't actually occurred to me to pray about it. My new found love relationship with the Lord was still pretty immature and I was unsure if He actually cared whether or not I found my missing ingredient. After all He's got bigger fish to fry right?

With each passing minute I became increasingly more and more anxious about having to go to that party without all of my ingredients and was embarrassed that I'd have to admit that I didn't actually know what it was and so couldn't find it.

As I was frantically searching all the ails of Target, I finally gave up. I grabbed a box of regular bread crumbs coming to terms with the fact that I was just not sophisticated, that I'd always be that stupid little kid from the country.

I picked a check out lane and patiently waited my turn, all the while rehearsing in my head how I would talk my way through the inevitable awkward situation. My turn came and I started unloading my cart onto the conveyor belt. I barely noticed the misplaced box next to the gum.  There was a woman ahead of me paying for her items and the checker and another attendant helping bag groceries. Suddenly my brain registered the upside down words written on the out-of-place box.

PANKO BREAD CRUMBS

*double take* Wait. What?! I snatched it up and literally yelled in the surprisingly quiet check out line. "OH MY GOD!! Oh! My! God!!" With startled looks, everyone around turned to me like I was going insane. I asked the lady in front of me, "is this yours?!" She shook her head no. I asked the clerk, "Can I have these?" Ha! Like I was about to give them up. Would have had to pry them out of my cold dead hands. He looked at me like I had grown a second head and said that I could have them.

My heart was racing. I couldn't believe it. But I knew. I knew God had put them there just for me. How? Why? I didn't care. But I mean seriously? What are the odds of that happening? That I went into the exact row that someone had discarded the exact thing I had been looking for. I even asked the checker what part of the store they had been in and he couldn't tell me. He even did something in his fancy computer to try and figure out an inventory of how many there were and couldn't find any info on them at all. It was a miracle plain and simple.

Was there a rational explanation? If so I don't want to know because in that moment all of my insecurity drained away. Not because I could go to the party and act like I had it all together but because the source of my security had drastically changed in that instant. I knew that God loved me. That He cared about me. That love filled up so much space in my heart that insecurity had no room and had to go.

Let me say it this way. The God of the universe. Creator, Magnificent orchestrated in my puny little existence a miracle concerning my dinner plans. That's how much He cares about me. It had nothing to do with anything or anyone else. It didn't matter about my appetizer any more. It was important to me and so it was important to Him.

Wow even sharing it again humbles me and fills my heart to overflowing. And how ironic that bread crumbs in many ways represent a way to remember. I can literally find my way back to His love when I've forgotten all because of a few bread crumbs.

I hope you are encouraged also and inspired to go back and remember something amazing God has done for you. Or maybe you are in that frantic place and need a touch from heaven. He loves you. He. Loves. You. Look for Him in the little things and you'll find Him. If nothing else the fact that you are reading this blog is miracle enough for me so take to heart these words. God. Loves. You.

Dandelions aka Weeds

So some of you may have noticed that more and more time seems to pass between each blog post. There are a couple of reasons for that. First of all my laptop has still not recovered from it's blue screen crash and it's really difficult with out it. Secondly, I've been really busy. I can see the eyes rolling now. Typical, right? Well it certainly hasn't been because of a lack of ideas. I've been gardening. Can't get any more metaphorical then that!

Like everything else, Father has a way of making all things work for good and somehow, if we allow it, we can learn something, even from the worst experiences. On a light hearted note, I'd like to share a couple things I've learned today. From mowing the yard.

Yes, you heard, or rather read, correctly. I. Mowed.

I haven't actually mowed the yard since I was a teenager living at home. But lucky for me, my momma didn't raise no sissy and my dad taught me all I need to know about lawn mowers. But today I learned a few new things.

1. Lawn mowers have actually changed quite a bit in the last 10ish years since I've used one. The push mower I started using around the time I was 12 was not self-propelled. Unless you count the genius of the mower in getting someone like me to push it all by itself as being self-propelled. The mower I have now is self-propelled and has a bag so grass doesn't shoot out everywhere. This is kind of cool because even if you forget and mow in the wrong direction it doesn't matter because the bag catches the grass and so there is no wrong direction. This also means you don't have to rake and bag the grass!

2. Next time don't let the bag get completely full otherwise said bag will be too heavy for you to pick up and you'll end up dumping out half the bag. Which means you'll have to rake and bag the grass anyway completely defeating the purpose of said bag.....Yeah.

3. Don't fill the trash bag up too full with grass from your lawn mower bag otherwise it will be impossible to lift and so you will drag to the curb and it will undoubtedly tear. You will then have to rake and bag it...again.


4. I still have a lot of dandelions growing in my yard. How ironic is that?! And after each one got mowed over it was like a little life lesson. Just like you can't expect the weed to disappear just because you cut the top off, you can't expect the weeds of your soul to disappear by cleaning up the surface. You gotta go deep and sometimes it's hard work. But if you don't, eventually the whole neighborhood will start to notice.

5. Who needs a work out DVD when you can mow your yard? It's seriously hard work and burns a lot of calories. Which is why I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream, guilt free.

6. I have a mild grass allergy. Where did that come from?

And finally #7


He's always with me. 

As I was huffing and puffing, pushing my self-propelled mower, I started to feel kind of embarrassed and not just because I was huffing and puffing. We live on a somewhat busy street and have a sidewalk in front of our house. I couldn't help but wonder what other people must be thinking seeing me mowing my yard as they walked or drove by. In some ways I felt very empowered and strong. I couldn't believe that I was doing it. I was actually mowing my yard all by myself. Never have I done that in all of my adult life. But in many other ways I felt very alone and defeated. So I just told Him about it. By Him I mean my Father, God. And with every step I know He was with me. He heard me. He cared. I know there are many more worse things in this life then what I'm going through but He cares because I'm going through it. He's with me. His compassion is for me. His thoughts are for me. His love is overflowing. His perspective is greater. His vision is bigger. His desire is for me. I'm lost in Him and I'm not alone. I can't explain exactly how I know this other then that I just know. You can know too. And if you don't but you'd like to, just tell Him. Ask Him. And listen. If it was more complicated then that I think there would be better instructions in the Bible...but there's not. Ask and He'll answer. Seek and you'll find. He hears us. He knows us. He's always listening and always wants to answer. There are only about a gazillion places in the Bible that read exactly like that.

OK so I've mastered the art of mowing. What's next?

*scary movie music EEEE  EEEE EEEE* Weed Eating....

Lazarus, Come Forth

Have you ever read the account of Lazarus? I've heard it as a child in Sunday school and I've heard teachings on it. I've even skimmed through it as I read through the book of John but I've never intentionally sat down to read it until this morning.

Last Sunday I prayed with a woman who has a friend that is living in darkness, so to speak. As we prayed with her I thought of Lazarus. I could hear Christ's voice as He called out to him. I prayed that this woman's friend would also hear God's voice and come into the light.

This morning I was thinking and praying for all the people I know who are living in darkness and I prayed the same for them. Before I even read the account the Lord started to minister to my heart about some similarities between certain characters and myself. I started to think about how the whole reason behind Jesus allowing Lazarus to die was to bring glory to God and to give us a picture of what it means to move from darkness to light. Jesus even says in John 11:25-26 "I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he dies, and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die." He wasn't talking about our physical bodies, (although I do believe miracles can happen in the way of the dead being brought back to life), He was talking about our spirits being brought back to life when we believe in Him. I also started to think about how you didn't see Mary or Martha trying to drag out the dead body of their brother and bring him back to life themselves. Just like we can't drag someone to the feet of Jesus and change their hearts ourselves. It was the voice of God that raised Lazarus.

After reading the account though in John 11, light started to shine in my own heart. I realized that Martha is the one that went out to Jesus. Bless the Martha's out there who have felt guilty all their lives for not being more like Mary. She wasn't disappointed in His timing. She ran out to meet Him. She knew that even as her brother lay dead that anything Jesus asked of God, God would do.

Then there was Mary, who as you may know if you've been reading this blog for a while, I have a tendency to be like.

She did not run out to meet Jesus.

I thought about that for a while. I thought about despite my love for Father and my faith in His ability I still doubt His timing and His goodness sometimes. Mary heard that Jesus was coming and she remained inside, heavy with disappointment. She didn't have a big enough vision for what He was capable of. With great sadness, almost accusing Jesus she reminds Him that if He would have come her brother would be alive. Can't you almost hear her tone through her sobbing?

"Where were You?! You could have saved Him!"

And do you know how beautiful our Savior is? He saw the sadness and the disappointment in Mary's heart. He heard her accusing tone but He did not reprimand  her. He did not call her out for her lack of faith. But it affected Him deeply, so deeply that He wept. I don't honestly think He was deeply moved because Lazarus died but because the people that had loved Him so and that He had deeply loved doubted His goodness. The viewed His actions and believed He was capable of hurting them or that He was selfish or inconsiderate or unloving. That deeply moved Him.

Sometimes things happen that we don't want to happen and sometimes things don't happen that we think need to happen. I never really have a hard time seeing God as bigger then those things but I've often doubted His timing and His goodness. Like Mary I've felt disappointed when I didn't think He came through for me. But now I see that this moves Him to tears. It hurts Him in a way lack of faith never could.

Today I will be like Mary after Jesus called to her. When He calls to me I will get up quickly and I will go to Him. I will even be like Mary and pour my heart out to Him but today I will also choose to be like Martha and I will trust in His goodness and His unfailing love for me. And as for my loved ones living in darkness? I will trust in God's timing and the power of His voice to raise them from the dead and bring them out into the light. I will believe like Martha that He is the Christ, the Son of God.

Super Jesus

Lately I've really been asking God for a deeper relationship with Jesus. Inspired by the question, "Who are you closer to in the Trinity?" My answer was Father God. I just feel closer to Him. Although I know He's One and Three still I feel the most intimate with the Father.

The last year or so I have had some pretty cool "moments" or revelations about Jesus and my desire to know Him more is there but mostly when I think about Him it's not really love that I feel. I think of how grateful I am for what He's done for me. I see Him as my Lord and want to serve Him for the rest of my life. But that's about as deep as my relationship goes with Him. I talk of obedience coming out of my adoration but really it feels more like an obligation sometimes for what He's done for me. I probably would never have understood the difference between the two had Father not poured out His love for me and drawn me close to Him in such an intimate way. I want that with Jesus now too.

A few weeks ago we had a guest speaker at our life group, Keith Wheeler. I think it's safe to say he has a relationship with Jesus that is absolutely amazing and inspirational. I mean the guy literally lights up when he starts talking about Jesus. No wonder people are drawn to him to hear about Jesus.

I feel that way about Father God. I feel my love for Him well up inside of me until I feel like I'm about to burst.

Oh, Jesus, I want to know you like that.

Often I picture Him on the cross and my heart breaks, out of sadness and thankfulness. Is that enough though? Is it enough to just picture God on a throne of glory? To bow before Him? For me the answer is NO! Of course I bow before Him but I also run and jump on His lap and tell Him all about my day. He meets me in my every day life just to tell me He loves me. I want that with Jesus too. It's not enough just to see Him as that Sacrificial Lamb.

I'm trying to look outside the box a bit and see Him not just as my Lord or the the Head but as my Brother. As my Friend. As the guy that comes and puts His arm around me when I feel ashamed to go to Papa because of my sin. He tells me, "Hey, it's going to be ok. Let's go talk to Dad. He can fix anything."

I'm beginning to see Him as the One who never rejects me. He looks at me and He likes what He sees. I'm always invited to His table. He pursues me. He's the one that knocks on my door or calls me. He goes out of His way to be with me.

Early Saturday morning around 3 a.m. I woke up with these thoughts in mind. A somewhat strange analogy popped into my head. I hope you'll bare with me and read to the end. I thought of Superman and Lois. How even though Lois ignores Clark all day, when she calls for help, Superman still shows up. Because even though Superman could have any girl he wanted, Clark loves Lois. I thought of all the times I've called on the name of Jesus, the name that is above every name, for help but have ignored Jesus, my friend and brother. Yet He still shows up. Not only because He is God and powerful but because Jesus, the man, loves me. I think so often we see Him as Superman, which is a good thing, but we only call Him when we need something. I never doubt His ability or power but I don't care to know about Him as the man. After all He says weird things like, "eat my flesh and drink my blood, die to yourself and carry My cross." I think for me I'm afraid of having Jesus as my friend because I believe it will cost me. To me knowing Jesus has meant sacrifice. And I've pushed away from Him because of it. It was really convicting. It hurt a little bit, being able to get a glimpse of my true self. I didn't like what I saw. Watching the movie I always got annoyed with Lois for treating Clark that way. Wasn't it obvious the way he felt about her? Didn't she see what a great guy he was? But she was in love with the image of Superman, with what he could do for her. I realized that I'm her. I love being a Christian. I love being able to pray with someone and know I've got Jesus on my side. But when it's all said and done I'm only in love with Him for what He can do for me. Ouch.

So what now? Well I'm not really sure. One thing I have learned so far is that when the Lord reveals something in your heart, something not good, He wants to make it good. All we can do is surrender it to Him (surrender, aka - repent). We can't fix ourselves. So I'm thankful He's working on me and cares for me and wants me to be whole. Surrendered to Him, I ask only for His help. He always gives it.

Jesus, I want to know You, not for what you can give me or for what I can get out of our relationship. I just want to know You like I do the Father. I want to give and do for You. Please help me.