Filipino Mango

When I lived in the Philippines I used to eat these delicious, locally grown mangos. Mm! Making my mouth water even now! They were so good! I had at least one nearly every day. Sometimes they were really sweet but sometimes you would get one that was a little tangy too. They were my favorite. Not sure what made me think of those mangos today but that made me think of the pineapples I ate in Panama. OH MY GOODNESS they were good! You've never tasted a pineapple so good, unless of course you've had one in Panama. Imagine the best pineapple or mango you've ever eaten. Now think about the fact that the growers of these fruit, after harvesting, keep the best for themselves and ship everything else to the states. So, the very best pineapple or mango you've ever had was actually one of the worst ones grown. That's why they taste so different over seas, because they really are  nothing like what gets shipped over here. I remember, after coming home from the Philippines, I bought a huge bag full of mangos from Wal-Mart. I was so excited and couldn't wait to eat them. It was like bringing a bit of the Philippines home with me. That is, until I took a bite of one. BLEH! It was awful compared to what I had over there. This is the honest truth, I have not taken a bite of a mango since. Not one time, er well there was a bit of mango in a sangria I had a few weeks ago, but even then I noted the difference. It's been 7 years since I was in the Philippines (ah! 7 years?! *tear*). That's a long time to go without a mango. But what can I say? Filipino mangos ruined me.

I once read a story about a girl who "died" for a few minutes before she was resuscitated. She said while she was in heaven she had strawberries with the angels. Can you imagine what a heavenly strawberry must taste like? I doubt she'd ever be able to eat a strawberry again no matter what country she was in.

Have you ever experienced anything like that? Where you were just absolutely ruined by someone or something? The standard was just raised so high that nothing can compare? 

Of course this reminds me of something about my relationship with Father God. This is me we're talking about after all. There are some things God has just ruined me for, in a good way. I'm completely uninterested in living life without Him. I've tasted of Him. He's too good to want to taste anything else. Now that's not saying occasionally I haven't experimented in areas I should not have in the past. But, BLEH!, was my same reaction. Jut like I'm not even tempted at the grocery store to buy a mango, I walk right on pass without giving them a second glance, I'm not even a little tempted to find another source for life.


You know what I am learning though? There are many different areas I haven't let Him "ruin" yet. Before I had a Filipino mango I had no idea what I was missing. It can be like that now with Him. It's like He's saying, "Oh you think that mango is good? You haven't tried my kiwi. You don't know what you're missing!"

So today let's take a bite out of Him. Let Him fill you with something new. Let Him ruin you for all other fruits.

Daily bread, Father. Ruin us. We want to taste You and know Your goodness. Spoil every other thing that would try to compare.

Ripening

Gardening. It's a beautiful thing. Would never have thought so before I actually started gardening. It seems I learn a lesson every time I step foot in the dirt. With every weed pulled, I am reminded of the constant care the Father takes in His garden, my heart. The constant watering reminds me of the life that must be constantly poured over my soul from the well of life that is His Word. I am aware of and must take precautionary measures against the constant, ongoing invasion from every bug, disease, and sprig of grass that assults my garden, just as it is with my heart.

In my garden this year are three cherry tomato plants. So far this year, I've harvested only about fifteen cherry tomatoes. I also have cucumber plants from which I've harvested about thirty cucumbers. I planted both plants at the same time. I water them the same amount. I've given them both fertilizer. I've weeded both areas the same. Overall, I've cared for them exactly the same. Why have my cucumbers produced so much more volume then that of my tomatoes? By nature, cucumbers are much larger so that for every cucumber produced it would take maybe fifteen or more cherry tomatoes to equal the same volume. Theoretically, my tomatoes should be producing roughly fifteen tomatoes per cucumber. I have a friend who has tomato plants that have been this productive, as her plants are twice the size of mine.

Why is it that in my garden one plant has been much more fruitful then another?

Why does it seem like whatever plant in the garden of my heart that produces patience is withered and dead? If the fruits of the Spirit must be grown what do we do while they are still ripening?

Recently, at church I've been learning about the fruits of the Spirit Paul talked about in Galations 5. Last Sunday the message was about patience. There have been plenty opportunities to exercise patience this week. I've been a struggle. I asked the Lord last night why I was having such a hard time.

I felt that whisper in my heart, What do you do when there is not enough fruit in your garden to feed your family?

Well I would go buy some. Then I remembered that my friend with an abundance of tomatoes gave me some of her excess. She gave me a lot actually. More then enough to get me through.

I really believe that God is my source and that He knows when I'm running low on a resouce. He has more then enough. He always gives freely of Himself. In fact, all that He is, is inside of me. Even though I'm growing and maturing and may even be lacking in some areas, all that He is, is within my reach. When I'm out of patience or gentleness, He gives it to me. He gives me the gift of patience because He gave me the gift of His Spirit. When I lack peace or joy, He gifts me with them. He gets me through until those fruits have ripened in my Spirit. Some areas of my heart are more fruitful then others. Like my cucumbers and kale, I have had more then enough and have been delighted to give away much of my harvest.

As He sees a need, He also blesses me with opportunites of growth. He knows exactly how much we can handle and is a never-ending source of good gifts. He loves giving them and is happy to do so.

Isn't it interesting how some people are more fruitful in areas that you may be completely lacking in? I have a friend that seems to be extra-fruitful in the area of love. She really represents so acurately how the Father loves. I have another friend who is so faithful. It seems, no matter what the circumstance, I can alway count on her to come through. I'm not really sure what my strength is. I seem to be lacking in every area HA! Perhaps it's because I've only recently been tilled, fertilized, and planted. Many seeds have taken root and are sprouting but are not yet producing fruit. All the gifts of the Spirt were planted at the same time. Some have come up sooner then other's depending on the fertilizer, or opportunites of growth they were given.

It's beautiful to be in a communitte of excess. So many times, when I've lacked peace or joy someone has called and encouraged me. Out of the excess of their love, gentleness, and kindness they have carried me along until those fruits have ripened. I see this as blessing from Him.

What a lesson this has been for me. No longer do I see my lack as something to be embarrassed about. He's all that I need and He simply reminds me that the pain I feel is just growing pains. It's a process and I'm ripening. In the mean time He doesn't leave me all alone to provide myself. He's there. He sees. He gives me good gifts.

Eph 2:7 MSG
Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It's God's gift from start to finish!

Lessons For Living

Today while talking with a couple of other mom's about our kids we realized how often the Lord uses them to teach us things about ourselves. My dear friend was sharing how her daughter's behavior was causing something inside of her to become angry and feel out of control. She was beginning to see that the Lord was using that experience to do something inside of her.

I recently discovered something similar for myself. You may have read about it here. The whole idea is that the "something" I want to change in my child (or anyone else for that matter) is actually the "something" He wants me to surrender to Him or has something to do with the "something". Does that make sense? This has got me thinking. What if the Lord is always using "something" to teach us and grow us? How many times have I overlooked opportunities for Him to use those "somethings" to bring freedom in my own heart? It doesn't have to be just through raising children, although I can see how the Father loves using them in this way. My children have the ability to bring out the best and the worst in me, making them excellent tools to strip away the outer "perfect Christian, wife, and mother " persona I try and wear. Nothing can crack that surface like one of my children throwing a massive temper tantrum in public.

Maybe you are thinking you are off the hook because you don't have kids. Let me remind you that He is very resourceful. If you don't have kids, your kids are grown, or even if you do have kids, He has many, many ways of growing us. 

This isn't really a new thought. "That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger," right? What I discovered is most of the time I don't realize this is happening. By "this" I mean the opportunity Papa is taking to teach me something. I'm too busy asking the Lord to work on someone else or work on whatever the situation is. I become way more occupied with fixing them then with allowing Him to fix me. After all, I don't need fixing. I'm  not the one who is acting poorly. It's not that I'm bad intentioned. I can spend a lengthly amount of time "praying" for them by informing God how He should fix them.

Am I the only one like this?

Well since I'm being real I might as well tell you that there are also times when I'm feeling pretty good about myself and where I am with the Lord. I get in little ruts of self-satisfaction, pride in my mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Everything seems to be going my way. I feel I've finally arrived.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say we should walk around feeling unworthy, or completely inadequate. I'm only saying it's a beautiful thing that the Lord uses these things to do something beautiful and wonderful in us. The truth is though, I think He has more opportunities then we realize.

So right now. At this very moment. What's bugging you about someone or some situation? As I walk this all out with the Lord, I'm finding that often when I surrender my own issue about the problem, for example: forgiving that person for their behavior, repenting for my own actions in response to their behavior, or just offering up a blanket prayer of humility expressing my desire for Him to make me more like Him in every way; I'm finding that the problem goes away. Somehow there is a heavenly exchange that takes place that frees the other person and allows them to experience healing as well.

I'll admit sometimes this is hard, especially when we feel justified in our feelings. Perhaps you haven't acted out any of those ugly feelings you may have felt on the inside. You could say you've done nothing wrong and have nothing to apologize for. Even if that's true, is that the point of this new life we have in Christ? To just be "right" all the time, to be "good" Christians? Or is the point to grow into mature sons and daughters in this family? Sometimes that means facing hard truths that only you and Him know about. Sometimes the work He does in you doesn't change the other person at all even if they really need to change. Surrendering to Him doesn't make what others do or a horrible situation any less wrong. We trust that He does have our best interests at heart. If there is something He wants us to surrender it's something that's holding us back not something that He's keeping back from us. 

I think we can establish that the fact is He wants to use these things to grow us up in our walk with Him. We can trust that it is for our own good because of His immeasurable love and desire for good for us.

Having established that, let me repeat a question I asked earlier. What if the Lord is always using "something" to teach us and grow us? 

Always. 

Always? 

Even when we're feeling good about ourselves? Even if it's actually the other person who has the problem? 

Just like my sons and my daughter never stop growing, (they eat all the time!) I don't stop growing. Or at least I shouldn't stop growing. I don't want to stop growing. He always wants me to grow. This leads to questions that I think we can ask daily that are answered in the form of our daily bread. 

"What do You want to do in me through this situation? Is there something in me that should be surrendered to You? Is there something You want to change in me even when I feel like everyone else is the problem?" 

You can't change people, but you can allow the Lord to use those relationship and situations to bring healing, freedom, and maturity in your heart. The amazing thing though, and I'm learning this more and more, is that this does often result in healing, freedom, and growth for everyone. That is nothing short of miraculous!

Psalm 119: 33-41 MSG
   God, teach me lessons for living
      so I can stay the course.
   Give me insight so I can do what you tell me—
      my whole life one long, obedient response.
   Guide me down the road of your commandments;
      I love traveling this freeway!
   Give me a bent for your words of wisdom,
      and not for piling up loot.
   Divert my eyes from toys and trinkets,
      invigorate me on the pilgrim way.
   Affirm your promises to me—
      promises made to all who fear you.
   Deflect the harsh words of my critics—
      but what you say is always so good.
   See how hungry I am for your counsel;
      preserve my life through your righteous ways!
 Let your love, God, shape my life
      with salvation, exactly as you promised;

It's So Good Being Free.

The 4th of July. A time to celebrate our country's birth and all the wonderful freedom's we have. A time to honor the men and women who helped us get here. But what I'm really celebrating today is, being free. I'm free. Free from hurts, free from fear, free from constantly being concerned about what other people think about me. Free. (I'm totally jamming down to Francesca Battistelli's Free to Be Me in my head right now, by the way). It's a wonderful feeling, this freedom thing. I'm full of joy, full of peace and I'm just basking in the glow of His glory.

"Our heart is like a house." I quote one of our pastors who spoke yesterday at my church, Believers Church. I love, love, LOVE, this imagery. Our heart is like a house. There are rooms we decide to give over to God and let Him be in control of. But it seems like there is always one or two rooms we keep for ourselves. They are a mess. Totally trashed out, horrible wall paper covering the walls. Why do we hold back these rooms? He wants to come in and remodel, to transform our lives. Why hold back? If Ty Pennington came up to you and offered to build you a beautiful, state-of-the-art mansion would you say, "Hmm actually I like my messy house just the way it is, thanks anyway though." NO! Of course you wouldn't. God is offering us something so amazing, so wonderful. Such an amazing opportunity to be His child, for FREE. There are no strings attached. He wants to take all those things that make you feel hurt, that make you worry, that make you feel depressed and down and He wants to make them new. Mourning into dancing, that kind of thing, you get the idea.

Thank you Father for making me free. Even though it takes a daily effort on my part, to surrender to Your will, to continually hand over those "closets" I cling on to in the back corners of my heart, thank you for making it all worth it. Thank you that even though it feels so hard at the time, I never, ever regret it.
Thank you for the freedoms I have in this country, and in my life. In the physical and spiritual.

Hope everyone has a wonderfully beautiful 4th of July.


Romans 6:17-23 MSG
You know well enough from your own experience that there are some acts of so-called freedom that destroy freedom. Offer yourselves to sin, for instance, and it's your last free act. But offer yourselves to the ways of God and the freedom never quits. All your lives you've let sin tell you what to do. But thank God you've started listening to a new master, one whose commands set you free to live openly in his freedom!
 ¹⁹I'm using this freedom language because it's easy to picture. You can readily recall, can't you, how at one time the more you did just what you felt like doing—not caring about others, not caring about God—the worse your life became and the less freedom you had? And how much different is it now as you live in God's freedom, your lives healed and expansive in holiness?
 ^20-21As long as you did what you felt like doing, ignoring God, you didn't have to bother with right thinking or right living, or right anything for that matter. But do you call that a free life? What did you get out of it? Nothing you're proud of now. Where did it get you? A dead end.
 ^22-23But now that you've found you don't have to listen to sin tell you what to do, and have discovered the delight of listening to God telling you, what a surprise! A whole, healed, put-together life right now, with more and more of life on the way! Work hard for sin your whole life and your pension is death. But God's gift is real life, eternal life, delivered by Jesus, our Master.

Decisions Decisions

I have had to make so many decisions lately, or at least I thought so. So many life altering things have been happening all around me lately, and I've had to come to a complete stand still and ask, "Is this really Your will?"

Truthfully, my relationship with the Lord has never been better. I've never felt this close to Him in my life. Never have I been so willing to do His will. The problem is I've been doubting my ability to hear from Him.

"Is that really You God?"

"What should I do?"

"Is that just my own crazy voice in my head?"

I've felt frustrated.

"Lord I'll do anything, anything, I just want to do what You want me to do."

But it hasn't been clear.

And I've been confused.

Anyone else been there? You just want to do the right thing. Even when you don't know what that is you at least don't want to do the wrong thing. And when there is no clear path, which way do you go?

Today I was reminded though, that it is His job to make it clear. He's responsible for making Himself heard.

Let that blow up in your mind for a second.

He wants you to hear from Him and He will get louder, and louder until you do. He will always make Himself known and heard. He always has. He always will. It's my job to do what He says. And if I'm willing then I don't have to worry.

The Bible is full of plenty of examples of Him sending warning after warning and direction after direction and plenty of times where He made Himself completely and utterly clear. He even went so far as to send His Son, Who fulfilled like a gazillion prophesies, to get His point across. The Word is also full of examples of times when His people did not listen. They weren't willing to hear. They weren't willing to bend to His Word. They listened to others and followed them instead. They didn't silence every other voice and follow after Him. But He never failed them.

He was faithful.

Can I trust that?

Can I trust that if He wants me to do something or to tell me something that He will make Himself heard?

The answer for me is undoubtedly "YES!" I do trust Him.

Do I trust myself? *sigh*

Let's cut ourselves a break shall we? Can we just drop the weight of worry and self doubt? Can we allow Him to carry our burdens, even when it means trusting Him with our own ability to hear Him when He speaks? He loves us. He really, really, REALLY loves us. He doesn't want us to go the wrong way any more then we want to.

Today I chose to not worry about the decisions. Today I choose to trust Him with the answer. Today I choose to trust Him to tell me the answer. And to keep telling me the answer if I don't hear it the first time...or the second time. Today I trust Him to be there if I fail. To catch me if I fall. To love me when I'm unlovable. I trust Him to be faithful.

When Your Soul is Faint

Hebrews 12 NASB

1 Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

³ For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

It seems to me that generally when we think of the sins talked about in verse one we, or at least I, often think of "BIG" sin. Sin we would never consider ourselves tempted by: criminal acts, acts of anger or violence, sexual immorality, even lying, cheating, or stealing. We think to ourselves, "Phew, don't have to worry about that." But last night as I read this verse that word, "easily" stood out to me. For most of us, or at least I hope this is true, we don't easily fall into those "big" sins. So that made me start to think about the "easy" sins. What do I get easily entangled by? For me it looks like worry, anxiety, disappointment, insecurity, self doubt or self loathing, feeling like I'm unworthy or not good enough. Oh and then there is bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness, fear, and discontent. Am I alone in that?

All of those things really are easy to fall into. They do easily entangle and I think that's because for the most part we can hide them. I really believe these are the things that the author had in mind when he wrote Hebrews. I believe this because in verse three he goes on to say, "For consider Him who has endured...so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." In the foot note of my Bible it says, "fainting in your souls." Wow that so perfectly describes some of my feelings lately. I've felt overwhelmed and have found myself so easily entangled in those easy sins. My soul is faint. But he says to put aside those things, to fix my eyes on Jesus who endured the cross so that I would not have to be ensnared by those sins.

But. How? How do I set those things aside? I know my stuff is nothing in comparison to Hebrews 11:32-40 but how do I keep from being consumed by my world and my situations? 



For consider Him... 

I love what the AMP Bible has to say in verse 3: Just think of Him Who endured from sinners such grievous opposition and bitter hostility against Himself [reckon up and consider it all in comparison with your trials], so that you may not grow weary or exhausted, losing heart and relaxing and fainting in your minds. 

So today instead of letting myself become consumed, ensnared, and entangled I reckon I'm just going to reckon up and consider all that He has done. I'm going to think of Him. Just think on Him. He's always the answer. 

I'm going to let my heart take courage and find strength. Today I'm going to live out verse 12:

¹² So then, brace up and reinvigorate and set right your slackened and weakened and drooping hands and strengthen your feeble and palsied and tottering knees,

¹³ And cut through and make firm and plain and smooth, straight paths for your feet [yes, make them safe and upright and happy paths that go in the right direction], so that the lame and halting [limbs] may not be put out of joint, but rather may be cured.

I love those words "cut through." They so add to the imagery. Picture yourself walking that path. It becomes thick with undergrowth, the vines seem to crawl around your ankles, entangling you. It's not you, it could have happened to anyone. It's the path we walk, but you have to fix your eyes on Him, be determined. Don't give in. Cut through and make firm and plain and smooth, straight paths so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. He's made a way for us. And He is the Prize.

 

Foresight

I really wanted to title this post "The Gift of Foresight" but didn't want you to think I meant some kind of  psychic powers or something. What I mean is I really do think having foresight can be a gift. Take my son for example. He's 3 and we're still working on potty training (although recently we've had some major break-throughs!!). You may remember this blog post, where I mentioned the difficulties we've been having. Recently, I pondered a loud to God, "Why can't he just understand that doing his business in his pants, though it may seem easier, takes much more effort?" I realize that foresight is not something children really get until they are older, which is why parents have to be so patient. And when they still don't get it we have to be even more patient. It takes a level of patience similar to the way God is with us. He reminded me about this while I was talking with Him. Foresight. It's something many of us, especially in American culture, struggle with.

Why can't we understand that taking the easy route doesn't always lead us in the right direction and often ends up being more trouble then it's worth? We see this in finances. A. Lot. We spend money we do not have because we lack foresight. Too often we make decisions without much foresight. We can't look past the now to down the road and foresee the consequences.

Me: Alex, why did you go potty in your pants?
Alex: I dunno.
Me: Was it because you didn't want to stop playing long enough to use the restroom?
Alex: Yep.
Me: Are you playing and having fun right now?
Alex: Nope.
Me: Why?
Alex: Because I went potty in my pants so now I'm dirty.
Me: And you can't play while you get cleaned up huh?
Alex: Yeah.
Me: Wouldn't it have been easier to just use the potty?
Alex: Yeah but I wanted to play. But don't worry momma I will next time...I pwomise.

This is a conversation we've had many, many, times. It's not dissimilar to the conversation I've had with God upon occasion.

God: Katie, why did you do that?
Me: I dunno.
God: Was it because you didn't want to stop playing?
Me: Yep.
God: Are you having fun now?
Me: Nope.
God: Why?
Me: Because now I'm a mess.
God: Wouldn't have been easier to do things My way.
Me. Yes but I wanted to do things my way. But don't worry Papa, I'll do it Your way next time.

Foresight. If only we could look past the now and the temporary and see what God has in store for us versus what the consequences of our actions would be on our own. I think it really has to be a gift from Him sometimes. It's hard when we're in the zone, doing whatever it is we're doing and having a great time. But when the time comes, it's always better to get up and go to Him before we find ourselves in a big, ugly mess....Trust me.

And just like I desperately want Alex to avoid those messy situations, I think He's even more desperate that we avoid our messes. The beautiful thing about the gift of foresight is that He's just as willing to give it to us as we are in need of it. And oh, how He is so faithfully patient with us. Praise Him.

Deeper Still

I keep having this picture in my head. It's tough to describe but I'll try.

It's basically just of me holding the Father's hand.

And He's leading me.

I'm not sure where, but it feels deeper somehow. He's taking me deeper.


We go up, over mountains and around obstacles.

Sometimes we go around the mountain...and then again...and sometimes again.

We go through things. Like tunnels filled with spiderweb like netting. They tug at my clothes and try to hold me back. But I notice as we go through my load is lighter on the other side. I left a heavy burden back in those webs. And I don't miss it. And I trust Him even more.

We cross rivers. Sometimes they are deep, nearly over my head and I loose my footing, but He pulls me along. He never lets go. I step out much cleaner then I was before.

It rains sometimes. And inevitably there is mud. And my feet sink in. He tells me to rest in Him but how do I rest and walk at the same time?

And occasionally we stop. Mostly because I can't keep up. He says it's easy but why does it feel so hard?

Because I've forgotten that He's the power pulling this train, not me. But He doesn't get too annoyed about that.

He waits.

And I breathe.

He speaks to me. In the dark places. He tells me He is near.

And not to fear.

He reminds me once again that it's not on my own strength that I'll walk this path. I remember the tunnels, and the rivers, and how far we've come. And I trust Him.

His hand lifts me up and I continue on. Following. Trusting. And suddenly the rain doesn't seem all that bad.


Many times the sun is shining. I have to shield my eyes as we walk into it. With light in His hair, He smiles at me and I see He is delighted to be on this journey with me.

He sings sometimes, and dances as we go.

He takes me to secret places. Places only He knows about. I wish I could stay there. Camp there. Live there.

But I know what He'll say.

Deeper still.

Never letting go. That's what love is.

It never lets go.

Hungry?

Give us this day our daily bread....

What does that look like? Last night I felt empty. I reminded the Lord, "Remember this morning? I asked you for daily bread? Are You here?"

I suppose I was spinning out. But then I felt Him say, "Do you remember?"

I remembered that earlier that day I felt His smile as I danced with my children to the tune of their praise. Alex loudly singing, "PRAISE JESUS!" and Lydia's soft high pitched voice singing out, "Oh You love us!"

I remembered being in awe of Him as I dug my hands deep into the ground, being amazed at how little tiny seeds can grow so big.

I remembered flying a kite with my kiddos at the park and noticing that it was the knot in the tail keeping it from flying high. And the lesson He taught me about how a small thing in my heart, kept hidden away from Him, can keep me from soaring to my true potential.

Remember breathing Me in?

I remembered taking a deep breath and breathing out patience towards my 3 year old after another accident.

I felt His grasp and I no longer felt empty. I felt full of Him.

It's natural to feel empty sometimes. It's good to hunger. It's the hunger that draws us close to Him. Blessed am I to hunger and thrist, for only He can satisfy. Hunger is an escort into the deeper things of Him. And I've gotta go deeper.

Spinning Out of Control?

A while back I had this dream that I was dancing. I kept spinning away from my partner but he kept pulling me in. It felt almost like a tug-of-war. In and out. Back and forth. Our hands never let go but I kept spinning and spinning. He never lost his grip on my hand. Round and round the dance floor we went. Spinning in and out. Over and over.

I woke up wondering what all that was about. The feeling stayed with me a few days. I prayed for a revelation but really didn't get anything until, during a worship service, I remembered the dream. I felt like my partner was definitely the Father, and His grip stuck out to me the most. He never let me go. I was just confused by all the spinning about. I did think it was interesting that I didn't notice His grip so much until I was the furthest away. Our arms were stretched out but His hand was locked with mine. I knew He had me.

I thought how true this is in life sometimes. We don't notice Him so much until we need Him desperately to hold onto us. When I feel the furthest from Him and I feel stretched and out of reach I just have to remember that it's in these moments He takes the opportunity to show me just how tight His grip on me is. He's not letting go. He pulls me back into His loving embrace. As comforting as it is though, I forget about that firm grasp He has on me until, once again I spin away.

I experienced an out-of-control spinning moment last night. I was searching through the scripture. Frantically trying to find some comfort, I stumbled across this Psalm. It's interesting too because I rarely read The Message translation but happened to last night.

Psalm 119:75-76 MSG
I can see now, God , that your decisions are right; your testing has taught me what's true and right. Oh, love me—and right now!—hold me tight! just the way you promised. Now comfort me so I can live, really live; your revelation is the tune I dance to. 


Pretty incredible, eh? I love that David demanded God's attention sometimes. I think God loves that. He loves it when we boldly ask for more of His love and right now! I can totally see how those times I've spun away from Him I often learned He was right all along. But like David, I want to cry out for His comfort and love in that very moment. The moment I realize I screwed up or have lost interest in Him or wandered away I want Him to pull me back in. Hold me tight! I want to truly live and dance to His revelation tune.

The Help

Psalm 27:8-9
When you said, "Seek my face." My heart said, "Your face, O Lord, I shall seek."
Do not hide your face from me.
Do not turn your servant away in anger;
You have been my help.


I've always read this like David saying to the Lord, "Do not hide your face from me. Do not turn your servant away in anger." I could see how at different times in David's life He felt like the Lord was angry with him or he felt like the Lord had turned away from him. But last night I read this with new perspective.

Who is THE Servant?

Who is our Help?

The Lord said, "Seek my face." I think He could also have meant, "Seek my face, do not hide your face from me. Do not turn your Servant away in anger. I am your help."

I thought about how in the past I've turned away in anger from God. I thought of a few people I know who are currently having that struggle. We've judged Him wrongly when we do that. We turn away from Him in anger because we have accused Him of wrong or we feel He has hurt us in some way. But the truth is. He is our help.

Jesus came to help us. He came to give to us. Matthew 20:28 says, "just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many." David didn't know Christ as his servant. In his time people could only be God's servants but now the Son of Man no longer wants servants. He came to serve so we could be His brothers and sisters.

And yet...

We so often turn our face away. We hide ourself or a piece of ourself from Him because we are angry. But He gave His life for you. Does that sound like someone who wants to hurt you? Let's turn our faces back towards Him. That's what this life is. In faith, all we can do is daily turn towards Him. Yield.

Maybe what you're feeling today is very real anger, very real disappointment. To let that go it all starts by choosing to turn your face towards Him. Just today. He never hides from us. He never turns away from us in anger. He's always there, hoping to see us turn our faces towards Him. It's because He wants to help us. I know this to be true.

A Trail of Bread Crumbs

I've been trying to think of an inspirational blog post for a while now and nothing has really come to me. It's been kind of nice though because usually when I get an idea for this blog it is accompanied by a lesson I personally have to learn and that's not always so fun.

But I couldn't leave my faithful readers hanging....I do have a few faithful readers out there right?? Well anyway I thought I would tell a fun story about how God showed up in my life in a really cool way a while back. 

Lately I've been making an effort to go back and remember some of the good things Father's done for me. We all know the importance of that right?

It all started with a recipe. A few years a go my husband and I were involved in a really fun marriage group. We all thought it would be fun to have a meal together and each bring something. The host of our group planned the meal and sent us all a recipe. One couple got an entree, one got a dessert, ect. We got an appetizer. The idea was you bring the ingredients and prepare the meal together. Everything was so fancy and several things on my ingredient list I had never even heard of.

Now I consider myself a fairly decent cook. And I know what the average bread crumb is but when I saw that Panko Bread Crumbs were on my list I was like "huh?" I didn't worry too much though because I assumed that if I went to the section of the store where normal bread crumbs were I'd find the fancy ones around there somewhere. I assumed wrong.

Let me back up a bit. I was fairly insecure and felt extremely intimidated by most people in this group. I was about 10 years younger then everyone and although we were all in the same stage of life, married about the same length of time with young children I felt behind and inadequate some how. Not to mention I didn't know what panko bread crumbs were.

I searched high and low for what became known as "those stupid freakin' bread crumbs." I literally went to every grocery store you can think of and a few of them I went to multiple locations. I also discovered that I was not alone in my ignorance because many of the store employees were clueless as well.

Finally, the day of our dinner I tried, without much hope, one last Target Super Center. At the time it hadn't actually occurred to me to pray about it. My new found love relationship with the Lord was still pretty immature and I was unsure if He actually cared whether or not I found my missing ingredient. After all He's got bigger fish to fry right?

With each passing minute I became increasingly more and more anxious about having to go to that party without all of my ingredients and was embarrassed that I'd have to admit that I didn't actually know what it was and so couldn't find it.

As I was frantically searching all the ails of Target, I finally gave up. I grabbed a box of regular bread crumbs coming to terms with the fact that I was just not sophisticated, that I'd always be that stupid little kid from the country.

I picked a check out lane and patiently waited my turn, all the while rehearsing in my head how I would talk my way through the inevitable awkward situation. My turn came and I started unloading my cart onto the conveyor belt. I barely noticed the misplaced box next to the gum.  There was a woman ahead of me paying for her items and the checker and another attendant helping bag groceries. Suddenly my brain registered the upside down words written on the out-of-place box.

PANKO BREAD CRUMBS

*double take* Wait. What?! I snatched it up and literally yelled in the surprisingly quiet check out line. "OH MY GOD!! Oh! My! God!!" With startled looks, everyone around turned to me like I was going insane. I asked the lady in front of me, "is this yours?!" She shook her head no. I asked the clerk, "Can I have these?" Ha! Like I was about to give them up. Would have had to pry them out of my cold dead hands. He looked at me like I had grown a second head and said that I could have them.

My heart was racing. I couldn't believe it. But I knew. I knew God had put them there just for me. How? Why? I didn't care. But I mean seriously? What are the odds of that happening? That I went into the exact row that someone had discarded the exact thing I had been looking for. I even asked the checker what part of the store they had been in and he couldn't tell me. He even did something in his fancy computer to try and figure out an inventory of how many there were and couldn't find any info on them at all. It was a miracle plain and simple.

Was there a rational explanation? If so I don't want to know because in that moment all of my insecurity drained away. Not because I could go to the party and act like I had it all together but because the source of my security had drastically changed in that instant. I knew that God loved me. That He cared about me. That love filled up so much space in my heart that insecurity had no room and had to go.

Let me say it this way. The God of the universe. Creator, Magnificent orchestrated in my puny little existence a miracle concerning my dinner plans. That's how much He cares about me. It had nothing to do with anything or anyone else. It didn't matter about my appetizer any more. It was important to me and so it was important to Him.

Wow even sharing it again humbles me and fills my heart to overflowing. And how ironic that bread crumbs in many ways represent a way to remember. I can literally find my way back to His love when I've forgotten all because of a few bread crumbs.

I hope you are encouraged also and inspired to go back and remember something amazing God has done for you. Or maybe you are in that frantic place and need a touch from heaven. He loves you. He. Loves. You. Look for Him in the little things and you'll find Him. If nothing else the fact that you are reading this blog is miracle enough for me so take to heart these words. God. Loves. You.

Dandelions aka Weeds

So some of you may have noticed that more and more time seems to pass between each blog post. There are a couple of reasons for that. First of all my laptop has still not recovered from it's blue screen crash and it's really difficult with out it. Secondly, I've been really busy. I can see the eyes rolling now. Typical, right? Well it certainly hasn't been because of a lack of ideas. I've been gardening. Can't get any more metaphorical then that!

Like everything else, Father has a way of making all things work for good and somehow, if we allow it, we can learn something, even from the worst experiences. On a light hearted note, I'd like to share a couple things I've learned today. From mowing the yard.

Yes, you heard, or rather read, correctly. I. Mowed.

I haven't actually mowed the yard since I was a teenager living at home. But lucky for me, my momma didn't raise no sissy and my dad taught me all I need to know about lawn mowers. But today I learned a few new things.

1. Lawn mowers have actually changed quite a bit in the last 10ish years since I've used one. The push mower I started using around the time I was 12 was not self-propelled. Unless you count the genius of the mower in getting someone like me to push it all by itself as being self-propelled. The mower I have now is self-propelled and has a bag so grass doesn't shoot out everywhere. This is kind of cool because even if you forget and mow in the wrong direction it doesn't matter because the bag catches the grass and so there is no wrong direction. This also means you don't have to rake and bag the grass!

2. Next time don't let the bag get completely full otherwise said bag will be too heavy for you to pick up and you'll end up dumping out half the bag. Which means you'll have to rake and bag the grass anyway completely defeating the purpose of said bag.....Yeah.

3. Don't fill the trash bag up too full with grass from your lawn mower bag otherwise it will be impossible to lift and so you will drag to the curb and it will undoubtedly tear. You will then have to rake and bag it...again.


4. I still have a lot of dandelions growing in my yard. How ironic is that?! And after each one got mowed over it was like a little life lesson. Just like you can't expect the weed to disappear just because you cut the top off, you can't expect the weeds of your soul to disappear by cleaning up the surface. You gotta go deep and sometimes it's hard work. But if you don't, eventually the whole neighborhood will start to notice.

5. Who needs a work out DVD when you can mow your yard? It's seriously hard work and burns a lot of calories. Which is why I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream, guilt free.

6. I have a mild grass allergy. Where did that come from?

And finally #7


He's always with me. 

As I was huffing and puffing, pushing my self-propelled mower, I started to feel kind of embarrassed and not just because I was huffing and puffing. We live on a somewhat busy street and have a sidewalk in front of our house. I couldn't help but wonder what other people must be thinking seeing me mowing my yard as they walked or drove by. In some ways I felt very empowered and strong. I couldn't believe that I was doing it. I was actually mowing my yard all by myself. Never have I done that in all of my adult life. But in many other ways I felt very alone and defeated. So I just told Him about it. By Him I mean my Father, God. And with every step I know He was with me. He heard me. He cared. I know there are many more worse things in this life then what I'm going through but He cares because I'm going through it. He's with me. His compassion is for me. His thoughts are for me. His love is overflowing. His perspective is greater. His vision is bigger. His desire is for me. I'm lost in Him and I'm not alone. I can't explain exactly how I know this other then that I just know. You can know too. And if you don't but you'd like to, just tell Him. Ask Him. And listen. If it was more complicated then that I think there would be better instructions in the Bible...but there's not. Ask and He'll answer. Seek and you'll find. He hears us. He knows us. He's always listening and always wants to answer. There are only about a gazillion places in the Bible that read exactly like that.

OK so I've mastered the art of mowing. What's next?

*scary movie music EEEE  EEEE EEEE* Weed Eating....

Lazarus, Come Forth

Have you ever read the account of Lazarus? I've heard it as a child in Sunday school and I've heard teachings on it. I've even skimmed through it as I read through the book of John but I've never intentionally sat down to read it until this morning.

Last Sunday I prayed with a woman who has a friend that is living in darkness, so to speak. As we prayed with her I thought of Lazarus. I could hear Christ's voice as He called out to him. I prayed that this woman's friend would also hear God's voice and come into the light.

This morning I was thinking and praying for all the people I know who are living in darkness and I prayed the same for them. Before I even read the account the Lord started to minister to my heart about some similarities between certain characters and myself. I started to think about how the whole reason behind Jesus allowing Lazarus to die was to bring glory to God and to give us a picture of what it means to move from darkness to light. Jesus even says in John 11:25-26 "I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he dies, and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die." He wasn't talking about our physical bodies, (although I do believe miracles can happen in the way of the dead being brought back to life), He was talking about our spirits being brought back to life when we believe in Him. I also started to think about how you didn't see Mary or Martha trying to drag out the dead body of their brother and bring him back to life themselves. Just like we can't drag someone to the feet of Jesus and change their hearts ourselves. It was the voice of God that raised Lazarus.

After reading the account though in John 11, light started to shine in my own heart. I realized that Martha is the one that went out to Jesus. Bless the Martha's out there who have felt guilty all their lives for not being more like Mary. She wasn't disappointed in His timing. She ran out to meet Him. She knew that even as her brother lay dead that anything Jesus asked of God, God would do.

Then there was Mary, who as you may know if you've been reading this blog for a while, I have a tendency to be like.

She did not run out to meet Jesus.

I thought about that for a while. I thought about despite my love for Father and my faith in His ability I still doubt His timing and His goodness sometimes. Mary heard that Jesus was coming and she remained inside, heavy with disappointment. She didn't have a big enough vision for what He was capable of. With great sadness, almost accusing Jesus she reminds Him that if He would have come her brother would be alive. Can't you almost hear her tone through her sobbing?

"Where were You?! You could have saved Him!"

And do you know how beautiful our Savior is? He saw the sadness and the disappointment in Mary's heart. He heard her accusing tone but He did not reprimand  her. He did not call her out for her lack of faith. But it affected Him deeply, so deeply that He wept. I don't honestly think He was deeply moved because Lazarus died but because the people that had loved Him so and that He had deeply loved doubted His goodness. The viewed His actions and believed He was capable of hurting them or that He was selfish or inconsiderate or unloving. That deeply moved Him.

Sometimes things happen that we don't want to happen and sometimes things don't happen that we think need to happen. I never really have a hard time seeing God as bigger then those things but I've often doubted His timing and His goodness. Like Mary I've felt disappointed when I didn't think He came through for me. But now I see that this moves Him to tears. It hurts Him in a way lack of faith never could.

Today I will be like Mary after Jesus called to her. When He calls to me I will get up quickly and I will go to Him. I will even be like Mary and pour my heart out to Him but today I will also choose to be like Martha and I will trust in His goodness and His unfailing love for me. And as for my loved ones living in darkness? I will trust in God's timing and the power of His voice to raise them from the dead and bring them out into the light. I will believe like Martha that He is the Christ, the Son of God.

Super Jesus

Lately I've really been asking God for a deeper relationship with Jesus. Inspired by the question, "Who are you closer to in the Trinity?" My answer was Father God. I just feel closer to Him. Although I know He's One and Three still I feel the most intimate with the Father.

The last year or so I have had some pretty cool "moments" or revelations about Jesus and my desire to know Him more is there but mostly when I think about Him it's not really love that I feel. I think of how grateful I am for what He's done for me. I see Him as my Lord and want to serve Him for the rest of my life. But that's about as deep as my relationship goes with Him. I talk of obedience coming out of my adoration but really it feels more like an obligation sometimes for what He's done for me. I probably would never have understood the difference between the two had Father not poured out His love for me and drawn me close to Him in such an intimate way. I want that with Jesus now too.

A few weeks ago we had a guest speaker at our life group, Keith Wheeler. I think it's safe to say he has a relationship with Jesus that is absolutely amazing and inspirational. I mean the guy literally lights up when he starts talking about Jesus. No wonder people are drawn to him to hear about Jesus.

I feel that way about Father God. I feel my love for Him well up inside of me until I feel like I'm about to burst.

Oh, Jesus, I want to know you like that.

Often I picture Him on the cross and my heart breaks, out of sadness and thankfulness. Is that enough though? Is it enough to just picture God on a throne of glory? To bow before Him? For me the answer is NO! Of course I bow before Him but I also run and jump on His lap and tell Him all about my day. He meets me in my every day life just to tell me He loves me. I want that with Jesus too. It's not enough just to see Him as that Sacrificial Lamb.

I'm trying to look outside the box a bit and see Him not just as my Lord or the the Head but as my Brother. As my Friend. As the guy that comes and puts His arm around me when I feel ashamed to go to Papa because of my sin. He tells me, "Hey, it's going to be ok. Let's go talk to Dad. He can fix anything."

I'm beginning to see Him as the One who never rejects me. He looks at me and He likes what He sees. I'm always invited to His table. He pursues me. He's the one that knocks on my door or calls me. He goes out of His way to be with me.

Early Saturday morning around 3 a.m. I woke up with these thoughts in mind. A somewhat strange analogy popped into my head. I hope you'll bare with me and read to the end. I thought of Superman and Lois. How even though Lois ignores Clark all day, when she calls for help, Superman still shows up. Because even though Superman could have any girl he wanted, Clark loves Lois. I thought of all the times I've called on the name of Jesus, the name that is above every name, for help but have ignored Jesus, my friend and brother. Yet He still shows up. Not only because He is God and powerful but because Jesus, the man, loves me. I think so often we see Him as Superman, which is a good thing, but we only call Him when we need something. I never doubt His ability or power but I don't care to know about Him as the man. After all He says weird things like, "eat my flesh and drink my blood, die to yourself and carry My cross." I think for me I'm afraid of having Jesus as my friend because I believe it will cost me. To me knowing Jesus has meant sacrifice. And I've pushed away from Him because of it. It was really convicting. It hurt a little bit, being able to get a glimpse of my true self. I didn't like what I saw. Watching the movie I always got annoyed with Lois for treating Clark that way. Wasn't it obvious the way he felt about her? Didn't she see what a great guy he was? But she was in love with the image of Superman, with what he could do for her. I realized that I'm her. I love being a Christian. I love being able to pray with someone and know I've got Jesus on my side. But when it's all said and done I'm only in love with Him for what He can do for me. Ouch.

So what now? Well I'm not really sure. One thing I have learned so far is that when the Lord reveals something in your heart, something not good, He wants to make it good. All we can do is surrender it to Him (surrender, aka - repent). We can't fix ourselves. So I'm thankful He's working on me and cares for me and wants me to be whole. Surrendered to Him, I ask only for His help. He always gives it.

Jesus, I want to know You, not for what you can give me or for what I can get out of our relationship. I just want to know You like I do the Father. I want to give and do for You. Please help me.

How Free is Free?

So no, I don't just love H&R Block so much that I'd make a post about it. This commercial, along with some very interesting conversations we've been having at Fusion Youth lately have got me thinking about this whole freedom concept Paul talks about in Galatians. Chapter 5 verse 1 says, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free." Really? He wants us to be free...just because? Those two words have been swimming around in my brain for a while. Just because? No other reason? You love me because You love me? You want me to be free because You want me to be free?

Why do we find this concept so hard to believe? Why do we have a hard time understanding that He made us, loves us, and freed us, all just because He's freaking awesome like that? It's so hard for our culture especially. Like the lady in this video it sounds too good to be true. What's the catch? Where's the gimmick? Where's the hidden fee? I'd say a lot of "Christians" would even say that His love and His freedom are, in fact, not free. "There is a price," they would say. "The price is your obedience, a sacrifice was made and sacrifice we must if we are to expect freedom in return." *sigh* Am I saying this isn't true? Not exactly. I do long to obey with my full heart every day out of adoration. But the truth is, no I don't think that's why He did it. I don't think He was thinking about our future repayment at the time of His crucifixion. What He did was to provide a way. We were separated from Him and He didn't like it. Even if we never realized that we were or are separated He wouldn't have changed anything. He still would have died for me because He is Love and love always finds a way. I believe if I could have Paul, himself be a quest writer on this blog he would say exactly what he did to the Galatians. It is for freedom that Christ set us free.

It's hard to wrap our minds around, but let's try. Even though we know we don't deserve it and we can never pay it back. Why don't we try to focus all that energy into expressing our thankfulness. Hasn't anyone ever given you something just because? Maybe a parent, spouse, or friend who loves you saw something they thought you would like and bought it for you. Just because. No other reason. Do we throw it back at them just because we don't understand it? Do we say "no thank you" just because we could never pay them back? Or do we accept, graciously, overwhelmed with gratitude and love? I don't mean to trivialize the freedom of eternity by comparing it to a small trinket. I just want to get past the cynicism of our world today. Let's just be real. When Oprah gives something away people don't ask why. They just freak out because they have a new house or car and they are so excited. I think the reason no one asks is because they know Oprah is so stinking rich she doesn't expect anything in return. Trust me when I say she's got nothing compared to God. So when He gives us something let's just freak out because He's so awesome instead of asking why.

Maybe that's hard for some who still can't believe in a good God. I understand. It was hard for me once too. What I would say to you is read the Bible. And keep reading it. If you want to know what God is like you will find Him there. The Bible says if we seek we will find. If we knock He will answer. Ask Him how much He loves you. I do all the time and He's constantly showing me. He'll show you too.

Are You Happy?

"When you know, when you really know, the sovereignty of God and His Lordship overall things seen and unseen. When you're able to confess Him as the Supreme Ruler overall things and to confess that He is your Lord and you are His possession, then at that point you are the happiest of people. You could not get any happier. Nothing could possibly be better then the happiness you have in the Lordship and the Supremacy of Jesus Christ. When you know that you are situated, located in the heart of the most powerful person and the happiest person to ever live, you can not get any happier then that. When you're able to step back into His rest and live in the high tower of His name, so that when the enemy comes raging against you he cannot find you. That's joy. That's happiness."
-Graham Cooke on the Nature of God

Happiness. Joy. I've heard many teachings on the two, or rather the difference between the two. I've heard and believed that joy is something you have as a Christian. When Jesus is in your heart you can have joy through the hardest of circumstances. For me that has looked like the opposite of depression. If I didn't have a relationship with Him I'd probably have the tendency to become very easily depressed. Now when hard things happen I feel joy inside. An inextinguishable flame on the inside that no matter how dark it is outside there is light in me. But happiness, I've been taught, is different. Happiness is a special gift we receive at different times throughout our life so if you're not happy, well, that's how it goes sometimes. But don't worry because there is always joy.

This morning as I listened to Graham Cooke I couldn't help but be in awe of what He was saying and felt a genuine happiness well up inside of me. What if what I've believed about happiness isn't true? To take what he said and expound on it a bit more we have to ask the question, So what does it mean if I'm not happy? 

Moses asked God to show him His glory. And God caused all of His goodness to pass by. The glory of God is the nature of God and if the nature of God is goodness do you think He does not want you to be happy? If happiness is found from knowing and finding yourself in the very Nature that is God, knowing that He is Supreme and resting in that, then perhaps if you are unhappy you do not know or you have forgotten. Or you have let yourself believe a lie about Him.

You don't really know if:
you are feeling rejected and lonely
you are wondering where God is in the midst of your deep pain
you are carrying a little heartbroken boy or girl inside
you have past wounds that have been pulled open again
you ever start to doubt that He is good
you are in the darkness and can't seem to find the light
you are weary and worn out and longing for some place called home
you wonder if you will ever find love
you ever feel afraid
you feel abandoned and discarded
you feel misunderstood
you look to food, drugs, movies, gaming, or any other addiction for satisfaction
you feel you are running out of reasons to get up in the morning
you are in the clutches of depression
you are smiling on the outside but dieing on the inside
you are suffering in silence

Maybe saying we have joy and not happiness is just an excuse. Perhaps believing that happiness is not something we get to have or enjoy at all times is a lie.

"When all your confidence is in the One who made heaven and earth, when everything you tried in life is utterly dependent on the goodness, the mercy, the kindness, the love, the grace, the power of the One person who is Supreme God above all gods - when your present and your future and your health and your destiny and your life depends totally on the God who works for the weak, twisted, and deceitful people, then you simply have to be the happiest people on the face of the earth. Because your happiness is built totally on an unshakable conviction and confidence in His ability to bring change and power to bear on your life. Therefore the most wonderful thing you will ever do with your life is to trust it to the nature of God. Being completely reliant on His character, integrity and nature is the source of your great happiness."
-Graham Cooke

I Love You Kisses

Bret Michael Holt. My Gift. He gives me so much blogger inspiration. Or really I guess he helps me see more clearly the way God looks at me. And that's really what this blog is all about. Yesterday I gave him a big smooch on his chubby, nearly edible, cheeks. I do that every chance I get, but this one time yesterday I felt that whisper across my heart like the Father was trying to tell me something. I was listening and after I kissed Bret, he of course wanted to kiss me.

Ah, those big, open mouthed, slobbery kisses I suppose only a mother could love. And I do. Then he looks me straight in they eyes. When he was a baby we would stare into each other's eyes and every now and then, even from across the room, he will lock eyes with me again for at least 10 seconds and we'll just smile. (AH! I love that kid!) So he does this again after he gives me the biggest, wettest, smooch and says I yuv you. Oh! What's a mother to do?! Of course I melt and would gladly give him anything he ever wanted. *sigh*

Now, I know in my mind that he tells me he loves me because he is constantly hearing me say, "I love you." Just like he copies everything his brother and sister say I know he's really just copying me because every time I kiss him I tell him I love him. It's natural for him to do the same. I'm not saying he doesn't love me or even that at this young age he doesn't know how to express it. He's learning. I'm teaching him. He's following my example.

During this exchange when this thought struck me that old song also came to mind. Because He first loved us. What a beautiful picture this is of the Father's love.

We love Him because He first loved us. This is how we know what love is, for love is from God (1 John 4:7). Do you know how He teaches us? I don't think it's much different then how I teach my children to love. I tell them. I kiss them. I say it over and over. Eventually they say it back because they are at that repeating stage. But somehow they start to get it that those words are more then just words. They mean something. Something hard to describe but they know it's good. It's exactly the way He's taught me. He's told me over and over in so many ways, through people, through good gifts, through unique situations that only are special to me, little kisses if you will. He demonstrates His own love (Romans 5:8). I didn't get it as easily as my children. I didn't believe it at first. I wasn't sure I could trust is. That didn't bother Him. He just kept saying it. He just kept showing me.

Oh, what joy He must get when we finally start copying Him! You know when your babies are at that stage, when they first smile, when they first say your name, that first time they say I love you. How special is it that first time they say I love you on their own with out you saying it first? Don't you just want to melt?! And we know He loves it when we love on one another. And if God is love then when we love one another God is there. He's in our love. Isn't that cool?! You want to find God? Just start loving on someone. What a beautiful King. My heart is full. I want to lock eyes with Him and smile and say I love you too.


The other interesting thought I had about my son is that whenever he wants my attention and I'm distracted, say when I'm trying to blog, for example. He waddles over and looks right at me and smiles or does something cute. If I still don't pay attention he'll put his hand on my arm to get me to stop typing or climb up next to me. Sometimes he even puts his chubby little hand on my cheek and moves my face to his. And he smiles, triumphant! Normally then, he jumps into my lap and laughs with delight. I think to myself how in someways when we pray or when we love Him it's like we're pulling at His arm or turning His face to ours. When we love Him we have His attention. We draw near to Him and He draws near to us. He goes deeper with those who want to go deeper.
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Let's pull on Him today. He's never too distracted and He is always ready to say I love you.

On Kindness, Fasting, and Not Being Weird

So this is the longest I've gone in between blog posts and it feels super weird. I've had so many awesome ideas for posts but have not had the ability to write for a while. It all started with my laptop finally giving up. After a nice bath and a few unintentional collisions with my floor it seems to have crashed. As my husband put it, I got the "dreaded blue screen." Whatever that means. I wasn't too bothered since my husband has a desktop and I can access the internet through my TV (don't ask me how). However our remodeling project timetable got pushed back a bit. My house has been in total upheaval for about two weeks. Everything from our living room, including TV, got squished, literally, into my husband's office. For over a week we've lived without TV and computer...and survived! I can't say I missed it all that much except for, of course, not being able to blog. Having a DVR helps. Without it, I would have missed Downton Abbey and Biggest Loser. My patients was rewarded when I did finally get to see the season finale of Downton Abbey. But I digress.

I left you hanging last week with a post about doing a random act of kindness every day. It was quite the experience! I got my kids involved, which was so fun to see their little minds turning over with ideas full, of all things, KINDNESS! Our first day we wrote a nice letter to our mailman with some treats. Not sure how he liked it but they were gone the next day! We handed out cupcakes and made special phone calls to friends long overdue. What a wonderful way to prepare for Lent. I can't say anything super dramatic happened. It was the small things. The good, inside feeling we got that made it worth it. I loved intentionally turning my thoughts to others. I was surprised and disappointed to realize how hard that is.

This also leads me to my next topic. Lent. Wow. Let's just say I couldn't have picked a better time to give up coffee! EEK! This is true love, God! A house full of feverish, super cranky kids who can't watch TV, a sick and stressed husband, all exposed before a practical stranger working on our house. Mama needs her coffee! Since last Wednesday I haven't had a drop. Why? I've begun to realize that at least for me, Lent really comes down to more of Him and less of me. I express this through fasting something I really enjoy. It's been tough. Harder then I thought it would be. But I'm thinking that's kind of the point right? I don't think God is taking some creepy delight in my being miserable. I think He is loving that my heart gets turned toward Him at a time of day that I'm normally thinking of only myself. He breathes life into my soul and most days I've forgotten about coffee. Honestly, now that I think about it, the only times I've really craved it are the days I haven't first started my morning off surrendered to Him. Interesting...

Am I saying coffee is sin? Um...NO! But for now, I'm more then happy to let it go.

Our projects are somewhat back on schedule and our house is somewhat back in order and life is getting back to business as usual.

A couple of weeks ago I went to this amazing worship service. I walked in feeling burdened with a heavy heart. Hard to describe with words but since this is a blog I'll try. My relationship with the Lord feels like a roller coaster sometimes. Not because of Him. He's steadfast. And I've grown a lot, because even though outwardly as this roller coaster ride goes along, inside I feel an unfailing love consume my heart that leaves no room for doubt, which was always there but I didn't see it. Still, this feeling of wondering if I'm enough, if what I'm doing is enough, looms over my mind. I walked in feeling that way, I walked out feeling refreshed and enlightened but still feeling heavy. The worship service was actually part of three day conference. So stinkin' awesome, by the way. During one of the sessions something clicked inside me. This realization that I'm not weird. That feeling "spiritual" isn't weird. So, I am dramatic sometimes (my husband would say, "Sometimes?") and I know this can turn people off and distract. I'm working on that. But "hearing" from God is NOT abnormal or weird. In fact I'd say the opposite is true. Not "hearing" from God is abnormal. Who are we anyway? Aren't we His? Why would  He call us into relationship if it was just going to be empty and one-sided? Why did He go through all the effort to not speak with us now that He can? He actually wants to speak to us! He wants to walk with us and talk with us daily. And not just that, He wants me to hear Him when does speak. He wants to pour out His Spirit into our lives in ways that completely change us. A part of me came alive sitting there.

I'm not weird.

I'm not perfect either. The weight of my imperfections gradually started to creep back into my mind. What do I do God? I'm so screwed up. I have so many issues and so many problems.

At this point in my conversation with the Father the most unusual picture came to mind. What I felt like He was telling me is something He's told me in many different ways. Through the Bible, through different pictures, from words from others.

It was this idea of pressing into Him. We're all messed up. Imagine us being covered in junk but the closer we get to Him the stuff just flies off, really with out any effort on our part. Sometimes the more light I walk in the more I feel my junk is exposed. Actually it seems like these times are kind of organized. (Like God has a plan or something.) I may walk in relative darkness in one area of my life for a while when He shines His light into it and "it" is revealed. Suddenly I'm filled with a heavy and contrite heart but because I've walked this way so long it feels natural. It feels apart of me. What am I to do? What are You asking of me? I always have this feeling of being willing to do whatever I need to but with out a clear direction. I'm at a loss. What He's telling me is, the direction is towards Him. That's all. That's the answer. That's all He really wants from any of us. It's just for us to move in His direction. Walk towards Him. Press in when it's hard and you seem to be walking head on into hurricane winds. He's using that wind to knock junk off. If my focus is on Him and I'm leaning in closer, that stuff can't stay in my life.

It's Jesus. It's always been about Him. If there's a problem, He's the solution. If there is a question, He's the answer. If there's a gap, He fills it. It seems so simple. I think it can be. I know it can be hard some days but it's times like these, when I'm fasting, that I realize how simple it can be. If I can say no to coffee, I can say yes to Him. If I can intentionally look for ways to be randomly kind to someone, I can be intentional about following Him.

Let's press in today.

Day 1: A Random Act Of Kindness

Last night at Fusion (a youth group I journey with) the main topic was kindness...of the random variety.

One beautiful lady shared about how her and a couple friends set out to do a random act of kindness for 30 days straight. Fabulous testimony. So we broke up into small groups and discussed what we could do.

Many, many wonderful ideas were tossed around and the excitement was tangible. However, I was a bit of an interloper as I was filling in as a leader to a group that I don't normally spend much time with and honestly probably won't. Wonderful kids. I wish I could have grown up with this youth group as my friends. Seriously they are awesome. But the project this group was working on didn't really fit for me because they were doing it all together as a group who meets regularly. Since I'm not apart of it I was mostly just listening. Strange for me, I know!

It all really got me thinking. A random act of kindness? What would that look like for me? The challenge was to do something for someone that you would want or be thrilled about receiving. I think I'm generally pretty kind. Check my blog about the quarter. That has really sparked something in me. But being randomly kind for no other reason then just because? Hmmm. Intentionally looking for an opportunity to be...kind? Nope can't say I'm all that consistent there. I'm mostly looking to my own interests, taking care of my own little world, like most of you I'm sure. Or so I tell myself to possibly ease some guilt.

The challenge has been given. I've accepted. For the next 6 days, starting today I'm going to do a random act of kindness and will be blogging about it here. Why 6 days? Because in 7 days lent begins and I think this is an awesome precursor to fasting. What better way to start it then by being intentionally kind. Thoughtfully and intentionally looking for someone to bless in such an unexpected way. I can't wait.

Well if you did your math then you know today is Day 1. I have an idea in mind. Can't wait to share with you how it goes tomorrow!

Stay tuned, and hey, join me if you are so inclined! I'd love to here about it so post some comments and let me know what you do and how it goes.