Hungry?

Give us this day our daily bread....

What does that look like? Last night I felt empty. I reminded the Lord, "Remember this morning? I asked you for daily bread? Are You here?"

I suppose I was spinning out. But then I felt Him say, "Do you remember?"

I remembered that earlier that day I felt His smile as I danced with my children to the tune of their praise. Alex loudly singing, "PRAISE JESUS!" and Lydia's soft high pitched voice singing out, "Oh You love us!"

I remembered being in awe of Him as I dug my hands deep into the ground, being amazed at how little tiny seeds can grow so big.

I remembered flying a kite with my kiddos at the park and noticing that it was the knot in the tail keeping it from flying high. And the lesson He taught me about how a small thing in my heart, kept hidden away from Him, can keep me from soaring to my true potential.

Remember breathing Me in?

I remembered taking a deep breath and breathing out patience towards my 3 year old after another accident.

I felt His grasp and I no longer felt empty. I felt full of Him.

It's natural to feel empty sometimes. It's good to hunger. It's the hunger that draws us close to Him. Blessed am I to hunger and thrist, for only He can satisfy. Hunger is an escort into the deeper things of Him. And I've gotta go deeper.

Spinning Out of Control?

A while back I had this dream that I was dancing. I kept spinning away from my partner but he kept pulling me in. It felt almost like a tug-of-war. In and out. Back and forth. Our hands never let go but I kept spinning and spinning. He never lost his grip on my hand. Round and round the dance floor we went. Spinning in and out. Over and over.

I woke up wondering what all that was about. The feeling stayed with me a few days. I prayed for a revelation but really didn't get anything until, during a worship service, I remembered the dream. I felt like my partner was definitely the Father, and His grip stuck out to me the most. He never let me go. I was just confused by all the spinning about. I did think it was interesting that I didn't notice His grip so much until I was the furthest away. Our arms were stretched out but His hand was locked with mine. I knew He had me.

I thought how true this is in life sometimes. We don't notice Him so much until we need Him desperately to hold onto us. When I feel the furthest from Him and I feel stretched and out of reach I just have to remember that it's in these moments He takes the opportunity to show me just how tight His grip on me is. He's not letting go. He pulls me back into His loving embrace. As comforting as it is though, I forget about that firm grasp He has on me until, once again I spin away.

I experienced an out-of-control spinning moment last night. I was searching through the scripture. Frantically trying to find some comfort, I stumbled across this Psalm. It's interesting too because I rarely read The Message translation but happened to last night.

Psalm 119:75-76 MSG
I can see now, God , that your decisions are right; your testing has taught me what's true and right. Oh, love me—and right now!—hold me tight! just the way you promised. Now comfort me so I can live, really live; your revelation is the tune I dance to. 


Pretty incredible, eh? I love that David demanded God's attention sometimes. I think God loves that. He loves it when we boldly ask for more of His love and right now! I can totally see how those times I've spun away from Him I often learned He was right all along. But like David, I want to cry out for His comfort and love in that very moment. The moment I realize I screwed up or have lost interest in Him or wandered away I want Him to pull me back in. Hold me tight! I want to truly live and dance to His revelation tune.

The Help

Psalm 27:8-9
When you said, "Seek my face." My heart said, "Your face, O Lord, I shall seek."
Do not hide your face from me.
Do not turn your servant away in anger;
You have been my help.


I've always read this like David saying to the Lord, "Do not hide your face from me. Do not turn your servant away in anger." I could see how at different times in David's life He felt like the Lord was angry with him or he felt like the Lord had turned away from him. But last night I read this with new perspective.

Who is THE Servant?

Who is our Help?

The Lord said, "Seek my face." I think He could also have meant, "Seek my face, do not hide your face from me. Do not turn your Servant away in anger. I am your help."

I thought about how in the past I've turned away in anger from God. I thought of a few people I know who are currently having that struggle. We've judged Him wrongly when we do that. We turn away from Him in anger because we have accused Him of wrong or we feel He has hurt us in some way. But the truth is. He is our help.

Jesus came to help us. He came to give to us. Matthew 20:28 says, "just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many." David didn't know Christ as his servant. In his time people could only be God's servants but now the Son of Man no longer wants servants. He came to serve so we could be His brothers and sisters.

And yet...

We so often turn our face away. We hide ourself or a piece of ourself from Him because we are angry. But He gave His life for you. Does that sound like someone who wants to hurt you? Let's turn our faces back towards Him. That's what this life is. In faith, all we can do is daily turn towards Him. Yield.

Maybe what you're feeling today is very real anger, very real disappointment. To let that go it all starts by choosing to turn your face towards Him. Just today. He never hides from us. He never turns away from us in anger. He's always there, hoping to see us turn our faces towards Him. It's because He wants to help us. I know this to be true.

A Trail of Bread Crumbs

I've been trying to think of an inspirational blog post for a while now and nothing has really come to me. It's been kind of nice though because usually when I get an idea for this blog it is accompanied by a lesson I personally have to learn and that's not always so fun.

But I couldn't leave my faithful readers hanging....I do have a few faithful readers out there right?? Well anyway I thought I would tell a fun story about how God showed up in my life in a really cool way a while back. 

Lately I've been making an effort to go back and remember some of the good things Father's done for me. We all know the importance of that right?

It all started with a recipe. A few years a go my husband and I were involved in a really fun marriage group. We all thought it would be fun to have a meal together and each bring something. The host of our group planned the meal and sent us all a recipe. One couple got an entree, one got a dessert, ect. We got an appetizer. The idea was you bring the ingredients and prepare the meal together. Everything was so fancy and several things on my ingredient list I had never even heard of.

Now I consider myself a fairly decent cook. And I know what the average bread crumb is but when I saw that Panko Bread Crumbs were on my list I was like "huh?" I didn't worry too much though because I assumed that if I went to the section of the store where normal bread crumbs were I'd find the fancy ones around there somewhere. I assumed wrong.

Let me back up a bit. I was fairly insecure and felt extremely intimidated by most people in this group. I was about 10 years younger then everyone and although we were all in the same stage of life, married about the same length of time with young children I felt behind and inadequate some how. Not to mention I didn't know what panko bread crumbs were.

I searched high and low for what became known as "those stupid freakin' bread crumbs." I literally went to every grocery store you can think of and a few of them I went to multiple locations. I also discovered that I was not alone in my ignorance because many of the store employees were clueless as well.

Finally, the day of our dinner I tried, without much hope, one last Target Super Center. At the time it hadn't actually occurred to me to pray about it. My new found love relationship with the Lord was still pretty immature and I was unsure if He actually cared whether or not I found my missing ingredient. After all He's got bigger fish to fry right?

With each passing minute I became increasingly more and more anxious about having to go to that party without all of my ingredients and was embarrassed that I'd have to admit that I didn't actually know what it was and so couldn't find it.

As I was frantically searching all the ails of Target, I finally gave up. I grabbed a box of regular bread crumbs coming to terms with the fact that I was just not sophisticated, that I'd always be that stupid little kid from the country.

I picked a check out lane and patiently waited my turn, all the while rehearsing in my head how I would talk my way through the inevitable awkward situation. My turn came and I started unloading my cart onto the conveyor belt. I barely noticed the misplaced box next to the gum.  There was a woman ahead of me paying for her items and the checker and another attendant helping bag groceries. Suddenly my brain registered the upside down words written on the out-of-place box.

PANKO BREAD CRUMBS

*double take* Wait. What?! I snatched it up and literally yelled in the surprisingly quiet check out line. "OH MY GOD!! Oh! My! God!!" With startled looks, everyone around turned to me like I was going insane. I asked the lady in front of me, "is this yours?!" She shook her head no. I asked the clerk, "Can I have these?" Ha! Like I was about to give them up. Would have had to pry them out of my cold dead hands. He looked at me like I had grown a second head and said that I could have them.

My heart was racing. I couldn't believe it. But I knew. I knew God had put them there just for me. How? Why? I didn't care. But I mean seriously? What are the odds of that happening? That I went into the exact row that someone had discarded the exact thing I had been looking for. I even asked the checker what part of the store they had been in and he couldn't tell me. He even did something in his fancy computer to try and figure out an inventory of how many there were and couldn't find any info on them at all. It was a miracle plain and simple.

Was there a rational explanation? If so I don't want to know because in that moment all of my insecurity drained away. Not because I could go to the party and act like I had it all together but because the source of my security had drastically changed in that instant. I knew that God loved me. That He cared about me. That love filled up so much space in my heart that insecurity had no room and had to go.

Let me say it this way. The God of the universe. Creator, Magnificent orchestrated in my puny little existence a miracle concerning my dinner plans. That's how much He cares about me. It had nothing to do with anything or anyone else. It didn't matter about my appetizer any more. It was important to me and so it was important to Him.

Wow even sharing it again humbles me and fills my heart to overflowing. And how ironic that bread crumbs in many ways represent a way to remember. I can literally find my way back to His love when I've forgotten all because of a few bread crumbs.

I hope you are encouraged also and inspired to go back and remember something amazing God has done for you. Or maybe you are in that frantic place and need a touch from heaven. He loves you. He. Loves. You. Look for Him in the little things and you'll find Him. If nothing else the fact that you are reading this blog is miracle enough for me so take to heart these words. God. Loves. You.

Dandelions aka Weeds

So some of you may have noticed that more and more time seems to pass between each blog post. There are a couple of reasons for that. First of all my laptop has still not recovered from it's blue screen crash and it's really difficult with out it. Secondly, I've been really busy. I can see the eyes rolling now. Typical, right? Well it certainly hasn't been because of a lack of ideas. I've been gardening. Can't get any more metaphorical then that!

Like everything else, Father has a way of making all things work for good and somehow, if we allow it, we can learn something, even from the worst experiences. On a light hearted note, I'd like to share a couple things I've learned today. From mowing the yard.

Yes, you heard, or rather read, correctly. I. Mowed.

I haven't actually mowed the yard since I was a teenager living at home. But lucky for me, my momma didn't raise no sissy and my dad taught me all I need to know about lawn mowers. But today I learned a few new things.

1. Lawn mowers have actually changed quite a bit in the last 10ish years since I've used one. The push mower I started using around the time I was 12 was not self-propelled. Unless you count the genius of the mower in getting someone like me to push it all by itself as being self-propelled. The mower I have now is self-propelled and has a bag so grass doesn't shoot out everywhere. This is kind of cool because even if you forget and mow in the wrong direction it doesn't matter because the bag catches the grass and so there is no wrong direction. This also means you don't have to rake and bag the grass!

2. Next time don't let the bag get completely full otherwise said bag will be too heavy for you to pick up and you'll end up dumping out half the bag. Which means you'll have to rake and bag the grass anyway completely defeating the purpose of said bag.....Yeah.

3. Don't fill the trash bag up too full with grass from your lawn mower bag otherwise it will be impossible to lift and so you will drag to the curb and it will undoubtedly tear. You will then have to rake and bag it...again.


4. I still have a lot of dandelions growing in my yard. How ironic is that?! And after each one got mowed over it was like a little life lesson. Just like you can't expect the weed to disappear just because you cut the top off, you can't expect the weeds of your soul to disappear by cleaning up the surface. You gotta go deep and sometimes it's hard work. But if you don't, eventually the whole neighborhood will start to notice.

5. Who needs a work out DVD when you can mow your yard? It's seriously hard work and burns a lot of calories. Which is why I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream, guilt free.

6. I have a mild grass allergy. Where did that come from?

And finally #7


He's always with me. 

As I was huffing and puffing, pushing my self-propelled mower, I started to feel kind of embarrassed and not just because I was huffing and puffing. We live on a somewhat busy street and have a sidewalk in front of our house. I couldn't help but wonder what other people must be thinking seeing me mowing my yard as they walked or drove by. In some ways I felt very empowered and strong. I couldn't believe that I was doing it. I was actually mowing my yard all by myself. Never have I done that in all of my adult life. But in many other ways I felt very alone and defeated. So I just told Him about it. By Him I mean my Father, God. And with every step I know He was with me. He heard me. He cared. I know there are many more worse things in this life then what I'm going through but He cares because I'm going through it. He's with me. His compassion is for me. His thoughts are for me. His love is overflowing. His perspective is greater. His vision is bigger. His desire is for me. I'm lost in Him and I'm not alone. I can't explain exactly how I know this other then that I just know. You can know too. And if you don't but you'd like to, just tell Him. Ask Him. And listen. If it was more complicated then that I think there would be better instructions in the Bible...but there's not. Ask and He'll answer. Seek and you'll find. He hears us. He knows us. He's always listening and always wants to answer. There are only about a gazillion places in the Bible that read exactly like that.

OK so I've mastered the art of mowing. What's next?

*scary movie music EEEE  EEEE EEEE* Weed Eating....

Lazarus, Come Forth

Have you ever read the account of Lazarus? I've heard it as a child in Sunday school and I've heard teachings on it. I've even skimmed through it as I read through the book of John but I've never intentionally sat down to read it until this morning.

Last Sunday I prayed with a woman who has a friend that is living in darkness, so to speak. As we prayed with her I thought of Lazarus. I could hear Christ's voice as He called out to him. I prayed that this woman's friend would also hear God's voice and come into the light.

This morning I was thinking and praying for all the people I know who are living in darkness and I prayed the same for them. Before I even read the account the Lord started to minister to my heart about some similarities between certain characters and myself. I started to think about how the whole reason behind Jesus allowing Lazarus to die was to bring glory to God and to give us a picture of what it means to move from darkness to light. Jesus even says in John 11:25-26 "I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he dies, and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die." He wasn't talking about our physical bodies, (although I do believe miracles can happen in the way of the dead being brought back to life), He was talking about our spirits being brought back to life when we believe in Him. I also started to think about how you didn't see Mary or Martha trying to drag out the dead body of their brother and bring him back to life themselves. Just like we can't drag someone to the feet of Jesus and change their hearts ourselves. It was the voice of God that raised Lazarus.

After reading the account though in John 11, light started to shine in my own heart. I realized that Martha is the one that went out to Jesus. Bless the Martha's out there who have felt guilty all their lives for not being more like Mary. She wasn't disappointed in His timing. She ran out to meet Him. She knew that even as her brother lay dead that anything Jesus asked of God, God would do.

Then there was Mary, who as you may know if you've been reading this blog for a while, I have a tendency to be like.

She did not run out to meet Jesus.

I thought about that for a while. I thought about despite my love for Father and my faith in His ability I still doubt His timing and His goodness sometimes. Mary heard that Jesus was coming and she remained inside, heavy with disappointment. She didn't have a big enough vision for what He was capable of. With great sadness, almost accusing Jesus she reminds Him that if He would have come her brother would be alive. Can't you almost hear her tone through her sobbing?

"Where were You?! You could have saved Him!"

And do you know how beautiful our Savior is? He saw the sadness and the disappointment in Mary's heart. He heard her accusing tone but He did not reprimand  her. He did not call her out for her lack of faith. But it affected Him deeply, so deeply that He wept. I don't honestly think He was deeply moved because Lazarus died but because the people that had loved Him so and that He had deeply loved doubted His goodness. The viewed His actions and believed He was capable of hurting them or that He was selfish or inconsiderate or unloving. That deeply moved Him.

Sometimes things happen that we don't want to happen and sometimes things don't happen that we think need to happen. I never really have a hard time seeing God as bigger then those things but I've often doubted His timing and His goodness. Like Mary I've felt disappointed when I didn't think He came through for me. But now I see that this moves Him to tears. It hurts Him in a way lack of faith never could.

Today I will be like Mary after Jesus called to her. When He calls to me I will get up quickly and I will go to Him. I will even be like Mary and pour my heart out to Him but today I will also choose to be like Martha and I will trust in His goodness and His unfailing love for me. And as for my loved ones living in darkness? I will trust in God's timing and the power of His voice to raise them from the dead and bring them out into the light. I will believe like Martha that He is the Christ, the Son of God.

Super Jesus

Lately I've really been asking God for a deeper relationship with Jesus. Inspired by the question, "Who are you closer to in the Trinity?" My answer was Father God. I just feel closer to Him. Although I know He's One and Three still I feel the most intimate with the Father.

The last year or so I have had some pretty cool "moments" or revelations about Jesus and my desire to know Him more is there but mostly when I think about Him it's not really love that I feel. I think of how grateful I am for what He's done for me. I see Him as my Lord and want to serve Him for the rest of my life. But that's about as deep as my relationship goes with Him. I talk of obedience coming out of my adoration but really it feels more like an obligation sometimes for what He's done for me. I probably would never have understood the difference between the two had Father not poured out His love for me and drawn me close to Him in such an intimate way. I want that with Jesus now too.

A few weeks ago we had a guest speaker at our life group, Keith Wheeler. I think it's safe to say he has a relationship with Jesus that is absolutely amazing and inspirational. I mean the guy literally lights up when he starts talking about Jesus. No wonder people are drawn to him to hear about Jesus.

I feel that way about Father God. I feel my love for Him well up inside of me until I feel like I'm about to burst.

Oh, Jesus, I want to know you like that.

Often I picture Him on the cross and my heart breaks, out of sadness and thankfulness. Is that enough though? Is it enough to just picture God on a throne of glory? To bow before Him? For me the answer is NO! Of course I bow before Him but I also run and jump on His lap and tell Him all about my day. He meets me in my every day life just to tell me He loves me. I want that with Jesus too. It's not enough just to see Him as that Sacrificial Lamb.

I'm trying to look outside the box a bit and see Him not just as my Lord or the the Head but as my Brother. As my Friend. As the guy that comes and puts His arm around me when I feel ashamed to go to Papa because of my sin. He tells me, "Hey, it's going to be ok. Let's go talk to Dad. He can fix anything."

I'm beginning to see Him as the One who never rejects me. He looks at me and He likes what He sees. I'm always invited to His table. He pursues me. He's the one that knocks on my door or calls me. He goes out of His way to be with me.

Early Saturday morning around 3 a.m. I woke up with these thoughts in mind. A somewhat strange analogy popped into my head. I hope you'll bare with me and read to the end. I thought of Superman and Lois. How even though Lois ignores Clark all day, when she calls for help, Superman still shows up. Because even though Superman could have any girl he wanted, Clark loves Lois. I thought of all the times I've called on the name of Jesus, the name that is above every name, for help but have ignored Jesus, my friend and brother. Yet He still shows up. Not only because He is God and powerful but because Jesus, the man, loves me. I think so often we see Him as Superman, which is a good thing, but we only call Him when we need something. I never doubt His ability or power but I don't care to know about Him as the man. After all He says weird things like, "eat my flesh and drink my blood, die to yourself and carry My cross." I think for me I'm afraid of having Jesus as my friend because I believe it will cost me. To me knowing Jesus has meant sacrifice. And I've pushed away from Him because of it. It was really convicting. It hurt a little bit, being able to get a glimpse of my true self. I didn't like what I saw. Watching the movie I always got annoyed with Lois for treating Clark that way. Wasn't it obvious the way he felt about her? Didn't she see what a great guy he was? But she was in love with the image of Superman, with what he could do for her. I realized that I'm her. I love being a Christian. I love being able to pray with someone and know I've got Jesus on my side. But when it's all said and done I'm only in love with Him for what He can do for me. Ouch.

So what now? Well I'm not really sure. One thing I have learned so far is that when the Lord reveals something in your heart, something not good, He wants to make it good. All we can do is surrender it to Him (surrender, aka - repent). We can't fix ourselves. So I'm thankful He's working on me and cares for me and wants me to be whole. Surrendered to Him, I ask only for His help. He always gives it.

Jesus, I want to know You, not for what you can give me or for what I can get out of our relationship. I just want to know You like I do the Father. I want to give and do for You. Please help me.

How Free is Free?

So no, I don't just love H&R Block so much that I'd make a post about it. This commercial, along with some very interesting conversations we've been having at Fusion Youth lately have got me thinking about this whole freedom concept Paul talks about in Galatians. Chapter 5 verse 1 says, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free." Really? He wants us to be free...just because? Those two words have been swimming around in my brain for a while. Just because? No other reason? You love me because You love me? You want me to be free because You want me to be free?

Why do we find this concept so hard to believe? Why do we have a hard time understanding that He made us, loves us, and freed us, all just because He's freaking awesome like that? It's so hard for our culture especially. Like the lady in this video it sounds too good to be true. What's the catch? Where's the gimmick? Where's the hidden fee? I'd say a lot of "Christians" would even say that His love and His freedom are, in fact, not free. "There is a price," they would say. "The price is your obedience, a sacrifice was made and sacrifice we must if we are to expect freedom in return." *sigh* Am I saying this isn't true? Not exactly. I do long to obey with my full heart every day out of adoration. But the truth is, no I don't think that's why He did it. I don't think He was thinking about our future repayment at the time of His crucifixion. What He did was to provide a way. We were separated from Him and He didn't like it. Even if we never realized that we were or are separated He wouldn't have changed anything. He still would have died for me because He is Love and love always finds a way. I believe if I could have Paul, himself be a quest writer on this blog he would say exactly what he did to the Galatians. It is for freedom that Christ set us free.

It's hard to wrap our minds around, but let's try. Even though we know we don't deserve it and we can never pay it back. Why don't we try to focus all that energy into expressing our thankfulness. Hasn't anyone ever given you something just because? Maybe a parent, spouse, or friend who loves you saw something they thought you would like and bought it for you. Just because. No other reason. Do we throw it back at them just because we don't understand it? Do we say "no thank you" just because we could never pay them back? Or do we accept, graciously, overwhelmed with gratitude and love? I don't mean to trivialize the freedom of eternity by comparing it to a small trinket. I just want to get past the cynicism of our world today. Let's just be real. When Oprah gives something away people don't ask why. They just freak out because they have a new house or car and they are so excited. I think the reason no one asks is because they know Oprah is so stinking rich she doesn't expect anything in return. Trust me when I say she's got nothing compared to God. So when He gives us something let's just freak out because He's so awesome instead of asking why.

Maybe that's hard for some who still can't believe in a good God. I understand. It was hard for me once too. What I would say to you is read the Bible. And keep reading it. If you want to know what God is like you will find Him there. The Bible says if we seek we will find. If we knock He will answer. Ask Him how much He loves you. I do all the time and He's constantly showing me. He'll show you too.

Are You Happy?

"When you know, when you really know, the sovereignty of God and His Lordship overall things seen and unseen. When you're able to confess Him as the Supreme Ruler overall things and to confess that He is your Lord and you are His possession, then at that point you are the happiest of people. You could not get any happier. Nothing could possibly be better then the happiness you have in the Lordship and the Supremacy of Jesus Christ. When you know that you are situated, located in the heart of the most powerful person and the happiest person to ever live, you can not get any happier then that. When you're able to step back into His rest and live in the high tower of His name, so that when the enemy comes raging against you he cannot find you. That's joy. That's happiness."
-Graham Cooke on the Nature of God

Happiness. Joy. I've heard many teachings on the two, or rather the difference between the two. I've heard and believed that joy is something you have as a Christian. When Jesus is in your heart you can have joy through the hardest of circumstances. For me that has looked like the opposite of depression. If I didn't have a relationship with Him I'd probably have the tendency to become very easily depressed. Now when hard things happen I feel joy inside. An inextinguishable flame on the inside that no matter how dark it is outside there is light in me. But happiness, I've been taught, is different. Happiness is a special gift we receive at different times throughout our life so if you're not happy, well, that's how it goes sometimes. But don't worry because there is always joy.

This morning as I listened to Graham Cooke I couldn't help but be in awe of what He was saying and felt a genuine happiness well up inside of me. What if what I've believed about happiness isn't true? To take what he said and expound on it a bit more we have to ask the question, So what does it mean if I'm not happy? 

Moses asked God to show him His glory. And God caused all of His goodness to pass by. The glory of God is the nature of God and if the nature of God is goodness do you think He does not want you to be happy? If happiness is found from knowing and finding yourself in the very Nature that is God, knowing that He is Supreme and resting in that, then perhaps if you are unhappy you do not know or you have forgotten. Or you have let yourself believe a lie about Him.

You don't really know if:
you are feeling rejected and lonely
you are wondering where God is in the midst of your deep pain
you are carrying a little heartbroken boy or girl inside
you have past wounds that have been pulled open again
you ever start to doubt that He is good
you are in the darkness and can't seem to find the light
you are weary and worn out and longing for some place called home
you wonder if you will ever find love
you ever feel afraid
you feel abandoned and discarded
you feel misunderstood
you look to food, drugs, movies, gaming, or any other addiction for satisfaction
you feel you are running out of reasons to get up in the morning
you are in the clutches of depression
you are smiling on the outside but dieing on the inside
you are suffering in silence

Maybe saying we have joy and not happiness is just an excuse. Perhaps believing that happiness is not something we get to have or enjoy at all times is a lie.

"When all your confidence is in the One who made heaven and earth, when everything you tried in life is utterly dependent on the goodness, the mercy, the kindness, the love, the grace, the power of the One person who is Supreme God above all gods - when your present and your future and your health and your destiny and your life depends totally on the God who works for the weak, twisted, and deceitful people, then you simply have to be the happiest people on the face of the earth. Because your happiness is built totally on an unshakable conviction and confidence in His ability to bring change and power to bear on your life. Therefore the most wonderful thing you will ever do with your life is to trust it to the nature of God. Being completely reliant on His character, integrity and nature is the source of your great happiness."
-Graham Cooke

I Love You Kisses

Bret Michael Holt. My Gift. He gives me so much blogger inspiration. Or really I guess he helps me see more clearly the way God looks at me. And that's really what this blog is all about. Yesterday I gave him a big smooch on his chubby, nearly edible, cheeks. I do that every chance I get, but this one time yesterday I felt that whisper across my heart like the Father was trying to tell me something. I was listening and after I kissed Bret, he of course wanted to kiss me.

Ah, those big, open mouthed, slobbery kisses I suppose only a mother could love. And I do. Then he looks me straight in they eyes. When he was a baby we would stare into each other's eyes and every now and then, even from across the room, he will lock eyes with me again for at least 10 seconds and we'll just smile. (AH! I love that kid!) So he does this again after he gives me the biggest, wettest, smooch and says I yuv you. Oh! What's a mother to do?! Of course I melt and would gladly give him anything he ever wanted. *sigh*

Now, I know in my mind that he tells me he loves me because he is constantly hearing me say, "I love you." Just like he copies everything his brother and sister say I know he's really just copying me because every time I kiss him I tell him I love him. It's natural for him to do the same. I'm not saying he doesn't love me or even that at this young age he doesn't know how to express it. He's learning. I'm teaching him. He's following my example.

During this exchange when this thought struck me that old song also came to mind. Because He first loved us. What a beautiful picture this is of the Father's love.

We love Him because He first loved us. This is how we know what love is, for love is from God (1 John 4:7). Do you know how He teaches us? I don't think it's much different then how I teach my children to love. I tell them. I kiss them. I say it over and over. Eventually they say it back because they are at that repeating stage. But somehow they start to get it that those words are more then just words. They mean something. Something hard to describe but they know it's good. It's exactly the way He's taught me. He's told me over and over in so many ways, through people, through good gifts, through unique situations that only are special to me, little kisses if you will. He demonstrates His own love (Romans 5:8). I didn't get it as easily as my children. I didn't believe it at first. I wasn't sure I could trust is. That didn't bother Him. He just kept saying it. He just kept showing me.

Oh, what joy He must get when we finally start copying Him! You know when your babies are at that stage, when they first smile, when they first say your name, that first time they say I love you. How special is it that first time they say I love you on their own with out you saying it first? Don't you just want to melt?! And we know He loves it when we love on one another. And if God is love then when we love one another God is there. He's in our love. Isn't that cool?! You want to find God? Just start loving on someone. What a beautiful King. My heart is full. I want to lock eyes with Him and smile and say I love you too.


The other interesting thought I had about my son is that whenever he wants my attention and I'm distracted, say when I'm trying to blog, for example. He waddles over and looks right at me and smiles or does something cute. If I still don't pay attention he'll put his hand on my arm to get me to stop typing or climb up next to me. Sometimes he even puts his chubby little hand on my cheek and moves my face to his. And he smiles, triumphant! Normally then, he jumps into my lap and laughs with delight. I think to myself how in someways when we pray or when we love Him it's like we're pulling at His arm or turning His face to ours. When we love Him we have His attention. We draw near to Him and He draws near to us. He goes deeper with those who want to go deeper.
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Let's pull on Him today. He's never too distracted and He is always ready to say I love you.

On Kindness, Fasting, and Not Being Weird

So this is the longest I've gone in between blog posts and it feels super weird. I've had so many awesome ideas for posts but have not had the ability to write for a while. It all started with my laptop finally giving up. After a nice bath and a few unintentional collisions with my floor it seems to have crashed. As my husband put it, I got the "dreaded blue screen." Whatever that means. I wasn't too bothered since my husband has a desktop and I can access the internet through my TV (don't ask me how). However our remodeling project timetable got pushed back a bit. My house has been in total upheaval for about two weeks. Everything from our living room, including TV, got squished, literally, into my husband's office. For over a week we've lived without TV and computer...and survived! I can't say I missed it all that much except for, of course, not being able to blog. Having a DVR helps. Without it, I would have missed Downton Abbey and Biggest Loser. My patients was rewarded when I did finally get to see the season finale of Downton Abbey. But I digress.

I left you hanging last week with a post about doing a random act of kindness every day. It was quite the experience! I got my kids involved, which was so fun to see their little minds turning over with ideas full, of all things, KINDNESS! Our first day we wrote a nice letter to our mailman with some treats. Not sure how he liked it but they were gone the next day! We handed out cupcakes and made special phone calls to friends long overdue. What a wonderful way to prepare for Lent. I can't say anything super dramatic happened. It was the small things. The good, inside feeling we got that made it worth it. I loved intentionally turning my thoughts to others. I was surprised and disappointed to realize how hard that is.

This also leads me to my next topic. Lent. Wow. Let's just say I couldn't have picked a better time to give up coffee! EEK! This is true love, God! A house full of feverish, super cranky kids who can't watch TV, a sick and stressed husband, all exposed before a practical stranger working on our house. Mama needs her coffee! Since last Wednesday I haven't had a drop. Why? I've begun to realize that at least for me, Lent really comes down to more of Him and less of me. I express this through fasting something I really enjoy. It's been tough. Harder then I thought it would be. But I'm thinking that's kind of the point right? I don't think God is taking some creepy delight in my being miserable. I think He is loving that my heart gets turned toward Him at a time of day that I'm normally thinking of only myself. He breathes life into my soul and most days I've forgotten about coffee. Honestly, now that I think about it, the only times I've really craved it are the days I haven't first started my morning off surrendered to Him. Interesting...

Am I saying coffee is sin? Um...NO! But for now, I'm more then happy to let it go.

Our projects are somewhat back on schedule and our house is somewhat back in order and life is getting back to business as usual.

A couple of weeks ago I went to this amazing worship service. I walked in feeling burdened with a heavy heart. Hard to describe with words but since this is a blog I'll try. My relationship with the Lord feels like a roller coaster sometimes. Not because of Him. He's steadfast. And I've grown a lot, because even though outwardly as this roller coaster ride goes along, inside I feel an unfailing love consume my heart that leaves no room for doubt, which was always there but I didn't see it. Still, this feeling of wondering if I'm enough, if what I'm doing is enough, looms over my mind. I walked in feeling that way, I walked out feeling refreshed and enlightened but still feeling heavy. The worship service was actually part of three day conference. So stinkin' awesome, by the way. During one of the sessions something clicked inside me. This realization that I'm not weird. That feeling "spiritual" isn't weird. So, I am dramatic sometimes (my husband would say, "Sometimes?") and I know this can turn people off and distract. I'm working on that. But "hearing" from God is NOT abnormal or weird. In fact I'd say the opposite is true. Not "hearing" from God is abnormal. Who are we anyway? Aren't we His? Why would  He call us into relationship if it was just going to be empty and one-sided? Why did He go through all the effort to not speak with us now that He can? He actually wants to speak to us! He wants to walk with us and talk with us daily. And not just that, He wants me to hear Him when does speak. He wants to pour out His Spirit into our lives in ways that completely change us. A part of me came alive sitting there.

I'm not weird.

I'm not perfect either. The weight of my imperfections gradually started to creep back into my mind. What do I do God? I'm so screwed up. I have so many issues and so many problems.

At this point in my conversation with the Father the most unusual picture came to mind. What I felt like He was telling me is something He's told me in many different ways. Through the Bible, through different pictures, from words from others.

It was this idea of pressing into Him. We're all messed up. Imagine us being covered in junk but the closer we get to Him the stuff just flies off, really with out any effort on our part. Sometimes the more light I walk in the more I feel my junk is exposed. Actually it seems like these times are kind of organized. (Like God has a plan or something.) I may walk in relative darkness in one area of my life for a while when He shines His light into it and "it" is revealed. Suddenly I'm filled with a heavy and contrite heart but because I've walked this way so long it feels natural. It feels apart of me. What am I to do? What are You asking of me? I always have this feeling of being willing to do whatever I need to but with out a clear direction. I'm at a loss. What He's telling me is, the direction is towards Him. That's all. That's the answer. That's all He really wants from any of us. It's just for us to move in His direction. Walk towards Him. Press in when it's hard and you seem to be walking head on into hurricane winds. He's using that wind to knock junk off. If my focus is on Him and I'm leaning in closer, that stuff can't stay in my life.

It's Jesus. It's always been about Him. If there's a problem, He's the solution. If there is a question, He's the answer. If there's a gap, He fills it. It seems so simple. I think it can be. I know it can be hard some days but it's times like these, when I'm fasting, that I realize how simple it can be. If I can say no to coffee, I can say yes to Him. If I can intentionally look for ways to be randomly kind to someone, I can be intentional about following Him.

Let's press in today.

Day 1: A Random Act Of Kindness

Last night at Fusion (a youth group I journey with) the main topic was kindness...of the random variety.

One beautiful lady shared about how her and a couple friends set out to do a random act of kindness for 30 days straight. Fabulous testimony. So we broke up into small groups and discussed what we could do.

Many, many wonderful ideas were tossed around and the excitement was tangible. However, I was a bit of an interloper as I was filling in as a leader to a group that I don't normally spend much time with and honestly probably won't. Wonderful kids. I wish I could have grown up with this youth group as my friends. Seriously they are awesome. But the project this group was working on didn't really fit for me because they were doing it all together as a group who meets regularly. Since I'm not apart of it I was mostly just listening. Strange for me, I know!

It all really got me thinking. A random act of kindness? What would that look like for me? The challenge was to do something for someone that you would want or be thrilled about receiving. I think I'm generally pretty kind. Check my blog about the quarter. That has really sparked something in me. But being randomly kind for no other reason then just because? Hmmm. Intentionally looking for an opportunity to be...kind? Nope can't say I'm all that consistent there. I'm mostly looking to my own interests, taking care of my own little world, like most of you I'm sure. Or so I tell myself to possibly ease some guilt.

The challenge has been given. I've accepted. For the next 6 days, starting today I'm going to do a random act of kindness and will be blogging about it here. Why 6 days? Because in 7 days lent begins and I think this is an awesome precursor to fasting. What better way to start it then by being intentionally kind. Thoughtfully and intentionally looking for someone to bless in such an unexpected way. I can't wait.

Well if you did your math then you know today is Day 1. I have an idea in mind. Can't wait to share with you how it goes tomorrow!

Stay tuned, and hey, join me if you are so inclined! I'd love to here about it so post some comments and let me know what you do and how it goes.

A Poo and a Prayer

So my darling middle child has been learning to use the potty. He mastered the number 1 business early over the summer time. He pretty much just ran around in his lil undies all day like a barefooted little heathen. He's quite accomplished in this area and very proud, as am I. However, number 2 has been an issue. He refuses to do it on the potty. After waking up to a disaster in his underwear several mornings in a row I decided to put him back in diapers just at night time. He goes every morning in his diaper when he wakes up. This has been an acceptable arrangement for the last couple months. The problem is he's nearing 3 and I'm just plain tired of all the dirty diapers. I've been trying more aggressively to get him to use the potty for all his business and he still does not want to do it. He screams, "I'm not going to! I don't want to! I don't have to!" for the full 5 minutes at a time I make him sit there until the next time the timer goes off and he is required to sit there. He stubbornly refuses and boy does he have good control of his bodily functions because not until I put a diaper on him will he go.

Why am I telling you all this? What? You don't like learning about my child's bowel movements? *shocked face* OK so a couple days ago I was sharing my burdens with group of moms. We were all talking about the problems we're currently having with our children. But before that we were sharing how memorizing scripture is really changing a lot of things in our lives.

We started committing to a memorizing a Psalm a month. Last month was Psalms 61. Oh so many wonderful things in this scripture. It's really encouraged us all the last couple of weeks.

I began to share about how a couple of weeks ago I prayed it over someone. I shared that originally I was telling myself "don't say anything, don't pray, do. not. open your mouth." Then this scripture filled my heart to overflowing and it seemed to really be encouraging for everyone who heard it, as the Word of God tends to be.

I was telling my friends about it, my point being how awesome Psalms 61 is. One of the women (some of you know S. Sealy, who I now must give credit for this blog inspiration and title) asked why the personal struggle to pray for someone? Why was I saying, "no, not going to do it." because, as she pointed it out, it's like my son saying, "I don't want to go POOP!"

This caused a great amount of giggling and full out belly laughter in all of us but it really got me thinking. So I responded that it seems that every time I open my mouth I have the tendency to embarrass myself some how. Being a chatterbox growing up, I was told constantly to be quiet or stop talking or to lower my voice. Add that to the fact that I'm younger then all of my friends and I have an equation that adds up to a lot of insecurity about talking to other people about the Lord or praying for people. I commented to my friends that I feel like if I open my mouth something really horrible will come out. This of course set them up to compare me once again to my son on the potty and what his possible fears are about. In case you didn't catch the comparison, he may also be afraid of opening up and something horrible coming out.

Well I don't really have any answers about this but I wanted to share my journey. One of our pastors shared yesterday that we've all been given something very specific that no one else has to equip us and prepare us to share the gospel. We'll be accountable for this one day and even though we may try to blame our disobedience on lack of confidence or insecurity or just an attitude of playing it safe that that will not be acceptable. Not when He's so freely given us grace and healing for those areas.

Let me leave you with one last thought. When I was a bit younger and really involved in ministry I felt this insecurity. I was trying to remember how I overcame this before and I remembered a scripture I feel like the Lord specifically led me to.

Jeremiah 1 NASB
The Call of Jeremiah
 ⁴ The word of the LORD came to me, saying,
 ⁵ “Before I formed you in the womb I knew^[a] you,
   before you were born I set you apart;
   I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”
 ⁶ “Alas, Sovereign LORD,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am too young.”
 ⁷ But the LORD said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. ⁸ Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the LORD.
 ⁹ Then the LORD reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, “I have put my words in your mouth.

I have often reminded God that I am young and don't have the right words. He's constantly reminding me that that is not an excuse.

Stubbornly Persisting

Last night I had a picture come to my mind. I've been realizing the Lord speaks to me a lot this way and I'm learning to pay attention when this happens.

The picture was of a pregnant woman (not me thank You Jesus!). She was carrying many large pieces of luggage. She had one strapped to her back, several on each arm, was balancing one on her head, and was even dragging some with her legs.

I asked Him what that meant.

My next thought was that it's interesting that a gentleman will open a door for a lady but will especially rush to open a door for an obviously pregnant woman. Even other women will stop what they are doing to help carry something for a pregnant woman. So the significance of the pregnant woman in my picture was not the baby but that she is someone who you would obviously want to help.

I felt like His desire was to lift the burdens of that woman. He was there with open arms to help her. But she refused. Stubbornly persisting that she could manage on her own.

How often do we do that?

The beautiful part was that I didn't pick up any sense of the Father's judgement towards this woman. It was like He was saying, "I know Love, I know you're strong. I made you, remember? I know you could do it. But you don't have to prove anything to Me. Let Me in. Let Me help you. I want you to be free."

It was nothing more then pure longing on His part to simply lift those burdens. It was a bit uncomfortable to watch really. I was nearly unable to help myself from judging the woman. Thinking, why don't you just let go? He only wants to help. Who do you think you are? You don't think you need Him??

But then of course I saw myself as that woman. Trying to carry and balance everything. Never doubting in His ability or desire to help me but feeling unworthy or simply too proud to show any weakness.

I wish I could accurately describe the feelings of compassion that were radiating from His Spirit. It was so touching.

If you are like me and maybe carrying a bit too much would you consider that man I spoke of before. The gentlemen rushes to help not because He sees a weak woman who can't make it on her own. He wants to help simply because He loves us and His desire is that we would be free of those burdens. He knows your strong. You don't have to prove anything to Him. He created you remember? Lay aside every weight. You'll be so glad you did.

This Aint No Country Song

My man's working late, dog is barking, babies screaming, big kids whining, washing machine broken.

No this is not lyrics to the newest hit country song. This is my life. It's enough to make me go crazy on any given day. But maybe the crazy thing about it is.... I kind of like it. I actually kind of love it. Obviously I don't mean the screaming or whining, but I do really love being a mom. I love being able to stay home with my children. Haha and I certainly don't mind a temporarily down washing machine! As I was listening to all these sounds going on at the exact same time I was tempted to lock myself in the bathroom, hold my hands over my ears, rock back and forth, and hum anything that would drown out the sound. This is probably not an unfamiliar impulse for many of my mom friends out there. Or at least I hope not!

The beautiful thing about it today though is, I chose in that instant to be happy. To love it. I chose to love it. Many days I do not make that choice. Many days I pinch myself and hope to wake up from this poop-filled nightmare. Today was different. I felt a whisper across my heart saying "Breathe Me in today. I am here." The joy of the Lord really can be your strength. Not just in the easy times but on the days when all you want to do is hide under the covers or escape into the unrealistic TV or computer portal. I dug real deep inside myself and pulled with all my might on that joy chord. I found laughter and grace there. I found peace and contentment. Do I want to be changing diapers forever? Certainly not. Would it be the worst thing? Absolutely not.

My cup is so full knowing I'm right where He's placed me. Oh how much I have to be thankful for! Oh what joy my life brings to me! Bless the Lord, oh my soul, with all that is within me! Bless Him!

 Colossians 1:11-12 MSG

As you learn more and more how God works, you will learn how to do your work. We pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul—not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us. 

I just wanted to encourage you to stop and breathe. No matter what you're going through pray for that glory-strength that God gives.
Breathe Him in and renew your strength with the joy of the Lord. 

White Tile

In my house I have this beautiful white tiled kitchen floor and entry way. It really is nice tile. And.... I hate it. I don't mean to sound ungrateful but I really do hate it. I'd almost rather have a dirt floor...almost. It probably wouldn't be that bad if I didn't have three messy children. Counting myself that makes four messy eaters. Green peas show up really well on a white tile floor along with everything else including red jello. I'm not much for cleaning either. I don't like filth but I'm very comfortable with a messy house.

Anyway back to the tile. I'm talking to all those Mary's out there who, hopefully like me, rarely mop but when you do you mop hard core. If I'm going to do it, I do it right. (Momma would be so proud!) I'm not talking about just swiffering here and there either. I mean hands and knees scrubbing not moving on until you get every last squished, dried, cemented down piece of food off.

Once my floor is cleaned I always have this great feeling of accomplishment. Because of all the work that it takes to get a sparkling white tile floor, I try to go as long as possible maintaining it. On average that lasts until whatever meal comes next. There's usually always an outburst of frustration towards myself or my kids when one of us inevitably spills or drops something on it. Anyone know what I'm talking about?

Well if you read my previous post and like me, you let go of a lot of junk you probably feel fresh and clean. You've jumped into hyper space with a clean slate. Maybe you are like me in the fact that you feel a great need or pressure to maintain that shiny new soul. In some ways this is very commendable. It's beautiful walking with the Lord with clean hands and a pure heart. Often I cry out "raise up a standard for Your people, Lord. Lead us to a place of wholeness and righteousness. Make us holy as You are holy." Mmmm so good.

This morning though, I felt like I had just dropped a pot of black coffee on my nice clean floor or a jar of spaghetti sauce (no I don't make my sauce from scratch) or a bowl of cereal and milk (hate that!). With great disappointment there appeared a great black stain of sin on my heart.

How does that happen? You want so much to do right. To be right. To live right. "Oh Lord, I just want You more! Draw me closer.....oh wait can we meet later? My favorite show is on...." Anyone with me?

I absolutely do not want to belittle the sin that is always there trying to penetrate our hearts. My point is, spilled milk happens. This life is a journey. We have a goal. There is a prize. All we can do is lean into the Father. Trust Him. And then there's faith. My faith lifts the weight of pain and mistakes. It lifts deep dark clouds of worthlessness and selfish pride. My faith is my belief in truth that God above loves me and you, and gave us freedom, gave us life to walk in love through Jesus. When I cry out for forgiveness He moves on my heart and cleanses me of all unrighteousness. I don't have to be bound in shame. He is setting me free.

The path of the righteous is one that grows brighter and brighter like the steady light of the sun until noon day.  He sweeps us away and wipes us clean. A majic eraser works wonders on my white floor and the blood of Christs washes away all of our sin. Jesus wins. HE did all the work at the cross. We don't have to do anything to make ourselves clean except run to Him.

Do not let condemnation keep you from turning to Him. We aren't worthy, we never were, but He always is and His love never quits.

Let Go- It's Hyper Speed Time

Hyper speed. That's what my mom said. "You're holding on to too much stuff. You need to hit the delete button and make the jump into hyperspeed." (Anyone else cracking up thinking of their mom making a Star Wars reference?)

I remember the part of the movie she's talking about. You know where Han Solo is trying to make the jump into hyper speed but the Millennium Falcon is having technical difficulties. Luke calls the ship a bucket of bolts. Finally the ship dumps all it's garbage and is then capable of making the jump into hyper speed.

There's really so many places we could go in this analogy. Like the fact that the computer has to chart the course before you make the jump into hyperspace so you don't crash into anything. His timing is always best and the Spirit's leading is so crucial! But we'll save that thought for another day.

Seems to me what my mom is getting at is that I've got a lot of junk hanging around that I need to get rid of. It's holding me back keeping me from getting where I need to be. Some of this "stuff" I didn't even realize I was carrying. My mom was able to pick up on it by the Spirit in our conversation. Some things are like those little sucker creatures that attach themselves to us and sap out energy. It's amazing what can sneak in when you open that door of unforgiveness or jealousy!


Laying this stuff down and letting go, surrendering and crying out for help is what we need to do consistently in our race to the feet of Jesus. This is not a new concept. But why do we feel so bad about needing to do it? Why do we feel like horrible "Christians" if we need maintenance? There's no shame in needing Him. It's the way we were created. There's no need for guilt, for we could not have saved ourselves anyway.


Isaiah 41 NASB

¹⁰ ‘Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ 


I've read this scripture often and have always put the emphasis on making God my God. Crying out to Him to please be my God. I want Him to be first. Often making it my heart's cry, praying fervently for Him to clear out anything that would be exalted above Him. But Sunday this scripture was read and this time I really felt like God was saying, "I am...(let that sink in a moment.) I am your God. Do not fear. Do not feel guilt, I am your God. You did it, you received Me and have made Me your God. I'm going to help you."
There's no need to beat ourselves up and cry out for forgiveness over and over about the same thing. He is my God and He will help me. He will hold me up with His righteous right hand. He's helping me in this journey of righteous living. He hasn't called me to a standard that I'm not capable of meeting and when I fall, I fall into His arms of mercy and His righteous hand lifts me back up.

If you are feeling stuck, like you just can't get in gear and make that jump into hyper speed keep reading and ask the Father to help you. I've listed some things that came to mind as I was praying, mostly for my benefit, but I hope it will help if you don't know where to start. As you pray really picture yourself letting go of these things. Be specific. Imagine them floating away deep into space.

Fear. 

I let it go. 

Forgive me for holding on to fear. For falling into it so easily and letting it take control rather then falling into Your arms.

Pride. I let it go. Forgive me for having pride concerning anything You told me in the first place. For feeling deprived of recognition when it's all for Your glory anyway. Everything I have You've given. Everything I am You've created. Yours is the Kingdom and the power and the glory forever.

Jealousy. I let it go. Forgive me for coveting what others have and not being thankful and content with what You've given. Oh, how you've blessed me.


Control. I let it go. Forgive me for trying to pick up responsibilities that are not mine to carry. For trying to fix other people's problems. For feeling the weight and burden of other people's sin and mistakes. Thank you that I can always lay those burdens at Your feet.


Judgement. I let it go. Forgive me for judging others. For putting myself in a place higher then I am, that I think I can judge others. Forgive me, Father, for looking down on and criticizing Your children and gossiping about them with other people.


Worry and Anxiety. I let them go. Forgive me for not trusting You. For doubting You and Your intentions. I lay the weight of worrying for my family at Your feet. I will trust in Your strength and Your ability to protect, provide, and keep us. Forgive my lack of humbleness in thinking I can some how do it all without You. 


You are my God.




I've always had a hard time accepting forgiveness. I know it's because, or at least partly because, I know my own potential for evil. I'm acutely aware of the fact that even as I lay these burdens down I'll most likely at some point pick them up again. I know how easily I can fall into sin again and again. But I believe that what He is saying is that He knows it too. And the beauty is He forgives me anyway. He loves me anyway. And don't you think He's big enough to also forgive me in the future? Don't you know He already has?

Romans 5 NASB
⁸ But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. ⁹ Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from the wrath of God through Him. ¹⁰ For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life. 

October Baby

Below is a link to the trailer of the movie October Baby. I had the wonderful opportunity to see the movie in a pre-screening. It has an extremely powerful message of forgiveness and awareness. It's highly entertaining as a movie but has the ability to transform lives with it's powerful healing message. A young woman discovers that her medical issues and psychological issues are connected. She finds out that she is an abortion survivor.  As you watch her journey to discover the truth and wrestle with forgiveness you can't help but be made aware of issues you never knew existed.

I honestly can't say enough good things about the movie. Watch the trailer, spread the word, and see the movie. You won't be sorry.

As if that weren't enough, the producers of OCTOBER BABY have assigned 10% of the profits of the movie to the Every Life is Beautiful Fund, which will distribute funds to frontline organizations helping women facing crisis pregnancies, life-affirming adoption agencies, and those caring for orphans.

Psalm 31

A Psalm of Complaint and of Praise.

That's what the header says above Psalm 31. I love that. Haha so like David. A song of complaining and of praise. I imagine God likes it too, after all it is in the Bible. It really resonates within me though because I often feel like half the time I'm complaining and half the time praising. Why does that bother us so much and make us feel guilty? This doesn't seem to upset or shock God in anyway. In my experience He seems to prefer it when I'm crying out in an honest way then when I'm ignoring Him.

He get's it. He just really does get what we're going through. I've been reading a lot about how Jesus is the ultimate High Priest. He lived and was tempted in every way. He suffered in those temptations and can relate to our suffering. So when we suffer and we call to Him, He has compassion. He sympathizes with our pain and is gracious and merciful. Thank You God!

Back to the psalm. In the Bible study that I'm working on we were asked to look up a couple of scriptures about God's throne on the basis of Hebrews 4:16 where it says Let us come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. 

I found the topic and study of the Throne extremely interesting and so decided to just do a keyword search and look up all the times the word throne is mentioned. I also like to see it in multiple versions. biblegateway.com is really awesome because it lets you pull up a word in all different kinds of versions all at once. You can imagine that I sifted through literally hundreds of verses containing the word throne. Sounds tedious, I suppose, but I really like that sort of thing. I could spend this whole blog post and many more talking about all the different things I picked up from such a shallow look of the Throne. However Psalm 31 really caught my attention. What's interesting about that is the word throne isn't even actually mentioned in that psalm! What happened is I came across a different verse that contained the word throne along with a phrase that read something like this "You protect them with Your presence." I just thought that was so beautifully put. However if you pull the whole chapter and read it in context, which is an absolute must, it didn't mean exactly what I was thinking. So I decided to try another word search and see if there was a scripture anywhere that related to the idea that with just His presence there is protection and safety like an invisible force field. In my mind I had this grand picture of Him. I could imagine myself running from an army of hungry beasts. He appears out of no where and saves me. My protection didn't come from a mighty lightning strike or a sword or weapon. He vanquished the hairy monsters with just His presence. A bit dramatic I know but since I believe that He really is that cool (Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer got nothin' on Him) I thought it would be even better if I could actually find it in scripture. (Alas, to my great disappointment there are no scriptural references to force fields. *sigh*)

With this second word search I came across Psalm 31. Verse 20 says:
You hide them in the secret place of Your presence from the conspiracies of man;
You keep them secretly in a shelter from the strife of tongues. 

Eh. Didn't really perk my interest all that much except that it was really the only one that talked about His presence in the context of which I was searching for. This of course led me to reading the chapter as a whole. After just reading the header I was hooked.

I also think it's interesting how so much of what I've been reading, thinking, and praying about can be wrapped up in one chapter. How does He do that?!

Just for the sake of not having a blog post that goes on for 200 pages I only want to share a few verses that especially brought me great joy.

⁵ Into Your hand I commit my spirit;
You have ransomed me, O LORD, God of truth.
⁷ I will rejoice and be glad in Your lovingkindness,
Because You have seen my affliction;
You have known the troubles of my soul,
⁸ And You have not given me over into the hand of the enemy;
You have set my feet in a large place.  

Even though I don't have any enemies like what David had I do have enemies in the way unbelief and discontentment are enemies of God and of hope. Are you ever plauged by doubt? Fear? Worry? "What if?" questions? Those are all enemies that have a tangible force. They come against you but instead of falling into that path and then complaining about it we can trust Him, knowing that He is compassionate and can sympathize. He has seen our affliction and He's no stranger to our troubled soul.


 ¹⁹ How great is Your goodness,
Which You have stored up for those who fear You,
Which You have wrought for those who take refuge in You,
Before the sons of men! 

How great is His goodness?! How glad we can be in His lovingkindness! I love the idea of Him "storing up" goodness. Can you imagine? It's like that place that stores all that goodness that we didn't have room enough to contain. All that extra doesn't go away. He's got it stored up and has been storing it up. It's like some great big savings account. Am I the only one excited about that?


²³ O love the LORD, all you His godly ones!
The LORD preserves the faithful
And fully recompenses the proud doer.
²⁴ Be strong and let your heart take courage,
All you who hope in the LORD. 

Verse 23 is so interesting to me. He preserves the faithful. I have the tendency to think that those who are faithful don't need any help in persevering because they have so much faith. What if walking out in faith isn't just for those strong ones? What if it's not about how much faith you have after all? What if it has more to do with just loving Him and trusting Him and knowing that you are weak and that you are kind of a terrible person at times but really believing that He never, ever looses hope or gives up on you? What if it has nothing to do with doing something so He'll help you and love you? What if it's loving Him and letting Him do the something in you?

In case you're like me and the last part of 23 confuses you check it in the Message it says this:
  But he pays back in full
      those arrogant enough to go it alone.

Can you say ominous? There's no shame in crying out to Him for help. In fact He'd much rather that then watching you try to arrogantly go it alone.

To wrap this up I have to copy verse 24 again.

²⁴ Be strong and let your heart take courage,
All you who hope in the LORD. 

Restless

Busy, busy. I'm running here and there. All good things. But there's stress.


Where's the time to meet with Him, my All The Time God. 


There's this need that we, the created, have to fill a void that was specifically made inside all of us by our Creator. When we don't fill it with Him it causes a restlessness inside. It's really a very good thing that this happens. God is so smart! It's like this built-in mechanism that cries out for more of Him. We have this longing for identity, for meaning, for purpose, for love. It's so easy to try to fill that void or answer that longing with other "stuff." Even good things like friends, church, family, work, and play all are empty and nothing with out Him. And then there's stress. And worry. 


I got restless in my thinking. I tried to go along with my culture. I was swept up in and swirled about by my fast paced life and by what others are doing or what I think I'm supposed to be doing. 

How wonderful it is to breathe deep and drop my burdens at His feet. My spirit calls my heart and mind to be still. I close my eyes and stand. Let me hear that still small voice. The bands of stress that have been crushing my chest slowly come loose and in their place I feel His embrace. He whispers rest to my soul. What a beautiful God.


I love this song by Audrey Assad. Listen and find rest.