How Free is Free?

So no, I don't just love H&R Block so much that I'd make a post about it. This commercial, along with some very interesting conversations we've been having at Fusion Youth lately have got me thinking about this whole freedom concept Paul talks about in Galatians. Chapter 5 verse 1 says, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free." Really? He wants us to be free...just because? Those two words have been swimming around in my brain for a while. Just because? No other reason? You love me because You love me? You want me to be free because You want me to be free?

Why do we find this concept so hard to believe? Why do we have a hard time understanding that He made us, loves us, and freed us, all just because He's freaking awesome like that? It's so hard for our culture especially. Like the lady in this video it sounds too good to be true. What's the catch? Where's the gimmick? Where's the hidden fee? I'd say a lot of "Christians" would even say that His love and His freedom are, in fact, not free. "There is a price," they would say. "The price is your obedience, a sacrifice was made and sacrifice we must if we are to expect freedom in return." *sigh* Am I saying this isn't true? Not exactly. I do long to obey with my full heart every day out of adoration. But the truth is, no I don't think that's why He did it. I don't think He was thinking about our future repayment at the time of His crucifixion. What He did was to provide a way. We were separated from Him and He didn't like it. Even if we never realized that we were or are separated He wouldn't have changed anything. He still would have died for me because He is Love and love always finds a way. I believe if I could have Paul, himself be a quest writer on this blog he would say exactly what he did to the Galatians. It is for freedom that Christ set us free.

It's hard to wrap our minds around, but let's try. Even though we know we don't deserve it and we can never pay it back. Why don't we try to focus all that energy into expressing our thankfulness. Hasn't anyone ever given you something just because? Maybe a parent, spouse, or friend who loves you saw something they thought you would like and bought it for you. Just because. No other reason. Do we throw it back at them just because we don't understand it? Do we say "no thank you" just because we could never pay them back? Or do we accept, graciously, overwhelmed with gratitude and love? I don't mean to trivialize the freedom of eternity by comparing it to a small trinket. I just want to get past the cynicism of our world today. Let's just be real. When Oprah gives something away people don't ask why. They just freak out because they have a new house or car and they are so excited. I think the reason no one asks is because they know Oprah is so stinking rich she doesn't expect anything in return. Trust me when I say she's got nothing compared to God. So when He gives us something let's just freak out because He's so awesome instead of asking why.

Maybe that's hard for some who still can't believe in a good God. I understand. It was hard for me once too. What I would say to you is read the Bible. And keep reading it. If you want to know what God is like you will find Him there. The Bible says if we seek we will find. If we knock He will answer. Ask Him how much He loves you. I do all the time and He's constantly showing me. He'll show you too.

Are You Happy?

"When you know, when you really know, the sovereignty of God and His Lordship overall things seen and unseen. When you're able to confess Him as the Supreme Ruler overall things and to confess that He is your Lord and you are His possession, then at that point you are the happiest of people. You could not get any happier. Nothing could possibly be better then the happiness you have in the Lordship and the Supremacy of Jesus Christ. When you know that you are situated, located in the heart of the most powerful person and the happiest person to ever live, you can not get any happier then that. When you're able to step back into His rest and live in the high tower of His name, so that when the enemy comes raging against you he cannot find you. That's joy. That's happiness."
-Graham Cooke on the Nature of God

Happiness. Joy. I've heard many teachings on the two, or rather the difference between the two. I've heard and believed that joy is something you have as a Christian. When Jesus is in your heart you can have joy through the hardest of circumstances. For me that has looked like the opposite of depression. If I didn't have a relationship with Him I'd probably have the tendency to become very easily depressed. Now when hard things happen I feel joy inside. An inextinguishable flame on the inside that no matter how dark it is outside there is light in me. But happiness, I've been taught, is different. Happiness is a special gift we receive at different times throughout our life so if you're not happy, well, that's how it goes sometimes. But don't worry because there is always joy.

This morning as I listened to Graham Cooke I couldn't help but be in awe of what He was saying and felt a genuine happiness well up inside of me. What if what I've believed about happiness isn't true? To take what he said and expound on it a bit more we have to ask the question, So what does it mean if I'm not happy? 

Moses asked God to show him His glory. And God caused all of His goodness to pass by. The glory of God is the nature of God and if the nature of God is goodness do you think He does not want you to be happy? If happiness is found from knowing and finding yourself in the very Nature that is God, knowing that He is Supreme and resting in that, then perhaps if you are unhappy you do not know or you have forgotten. Or you have let yourself believe a lie about Him.

You don't really know if:
you are feeling rejected and lonely
you are wondering where God is in the midst of your deep pain
you are carrying a little heartbroken boy or girl inside
you have past wounds that have been pulled open again
you ever start to doubt that He is good
you are in the darkness and can't seem to find the light
you are weary and worn out and longing for some place called home
you wonder if you will ever find love
you ever feel afraid
you feel abandoned and discarded
you feel misunderstood
you look to food, drugs, movies, gaming, or any other addiction for satisfaction
you feel you are running out of reasons to get up in the morning
you are in the clutches of depression
you are smiling on the outside but dieing on the inside
you are suffering in silence

Maybe saying we have joy and not happiness is just an excuse. Perhaps believing that happiness is not something we get to have or enjoy at all times is a lie.

"When all your confidence is in the One who made heaven and earth, when everything you tried in life is utterly dependent on the goodness, the mercy, the kindness, the love, the grace, the power of the One person who is Supreme God above all gods - when your present and your future and your health and your destiny and your life depends totally on the God who works for the weak, twisted, and deceitful people, then you simply have to be the happiest people on the face of the earth. Because your happiness is built totally on an unshakable conviction and confidence in His ability to bring change and power to bear on your life. Therefore the most wonderful thing you will ever do with your life is to trust it to the nature of God. Being completely reliant on His character, integrity and nature is the source of your great happiness."
-Graham Cooke

I Love You Kisses

Bret Michael Holt. My Gift. He gives me so much blogger inspiration. Or really I guess he helps me see more clearly the way God looks at me. And that's really what this blog is all about. Yesterday I gave him a big smooch on his chubby, nearly edible, cheeks. I do that every chance I get, but this one time yesterday I felt that whisper across my heart like the Father was trying to tell me something. I was listening and after I kissed Bret, he of course wanted to kiss me.

Ah, those big, open mouthed, slobbery kisses I suppose only a mother could love. And I do. Then he looks me straight in they eyes. When he was a baby we would stare into each other's eyes and every now and then, even from across the room, he will lock eyes with me again for at least 10 seconds and we'll just smile. (AH! I love that kid!) So he does this again after he gives me the biggest, wettest, smooch and says I yuv you. Oh! What's a mother to do?! Of course I melt and would gladly give him anything he ever wanted. *sigh*

Now, I know in my mind that he tells me he loves me because he is constantly hearing me say, "I love you." Just like he copies everything his brother and sister say I know he's really just copying me because every time I kiss him I tell him I love him. It's natural for him to do the same. I'm not saying he doesn't love me or even that at this young age he doesn't know how to express it. He's learning. I'm teaching him. He's following my example.

During this exchange when this thought struck me that old song also came to mind. Because He first loved us. What a beautiful picture this is of the Father's love.

We love Him because He first loved us. This is how we know what love is, for love is from God (1 John 4:7). Do you know how He teaches us? I don't think it's much different then how I teach my children to love. I tell them. I kiss them. I say it over and over. Eventually they say it back because they are at that repeating stage. But somehow they start to get it that those words are more then just words. They mean something. Something hard to describe but they know it's good. It's exactly the way He's taught me. He's told me over and over in so many ways, through people, through good gifts, through unique situations that only are special to me, little kisses if you will. He demonstrates His own love (Romans 5:8). I didn't get it as easily as my children. I didn't believe it at first. I wasn't sure I could trust is. That didn't bother Him. He just kept saying it. He just kept showing me.

Oh, what joy He must get when we finally start copying Him! You know when your babies are at that stage, when they first smile, when they first say your name, that first time they say I love you. How special is it that first time they say I love you on their own with out you saying it first? Don't you just want to melt?! And we know He loves it when we love on one another. And if God is love then when we love one another God is there. He's in our love. Isn't that cool?! You want to find God? Just start loving on someone. What a beautiful King. My heart is full. I want to lock eyes with Him and smile and say I love you too.


The other interesting thought I had about my son is that whenever he wants my attention and I'm distracted, say when I'm trying to blog, for example. He waddles over and looks right at me and smiles or does something cute. If I still don't pay attention he'll put his hand on my arm to get me to stop typing or climb up next to me. Sometimes he even puts his chubby little hand on my cheek and moves my face to his. And he smiles, triumphant! Normally then, he jumps into my lap and laughs with delight. I think to myself how in someways when we pray or when we love Him it's like we're pulling at His arm or turning His face to ours. When we love Him we have His attention. We draw near to Him and He draws near to us. He goes deeper with those who want to go deeper.
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Let's pull on Him today. He's never too distracted and He is always ready to say I love you.

On Kindness, Fasting, and Not Being Weird

So this is the longest I've gone in between blog posts and it feels super weird. I've had so many awesome ideas for posts but have not had the ability to write for a while. It all started with my laptop finally giving up. After a nice bath and a few unintentional collisions with my floor it seems to have crashed. As my husband put it, I got the "dreaded blue screen." Whatever that means. I wasn't too bothered since my husband has a desktop and I can access the internet through my TV (don't ask me how). However our remodeling project timetable got pushed back a bit. My house has been in total upheaval for about two weeks. Everything from our living room, including TV, got squished, literally, into my husband's office. For over a week we've lived without TV and computer...and survived! I can't say I missed it all that much except for, of course, not being able to blog. Having a DVR helps. Without it, I would have missed Downton Abbey and Biggest Loser. My patients was rewarded when I did finally get to see the season finale of Downton Abbey. But I digress.

I left you hanging last week with a post about doing a random act of kindness every day. It was quite the experience! I got my kids involved, which was so fun to see their little minds turning over with ideas full, of all things, KINDNESS! Our first day we wrote a nice letter to our mailman with some treats. Not sure how he liked it but they were gone the next day! We handed out cupcakes and made special phone calls to friends long overdue. What a wonderful way to prepare for Lent. I can't say anything super dramatic happened. It was the small things. The good, inside feeling we got that made it worth it. I loved intentionally turning my thoughts to others. I was surprised and disappointed to realize how hard that is.

This also leads me to my next topic. Lent. Wow. Let's just say I couldn't have picked a better time to give up coffee! EEK! This is true love, God! A house full of feverish, super cranky kids who can't watch TV, a sick and stressed husband, all exposed before a practical stranger working on our house. Mama needs her coffee! Since last Wednesday I haven't had a drop. Why? I've begun to realize that at least for me, Lent really comes down to more of Him and less of me. I express this through fasting something I really enjoy. It's been tough. Harder then I thought it would be. But I'm thinking that's kind of the point right? I don't think God is taking some creepy delight in my being miserable. I think He is loving that my heart gets turned toward Him at a time of day that I'm normally thinking of only myself. He breathes life into my soul and most days I've forgotten about coffee. Honestly, now that I think about it, the only times I've really craved it are the days I haven't first started my morning off surrendered to Him. Interesting...

Am I saying coffee is sin? Um...NO! But for now, I'm more then happy to let it go.

Our projects are somewhat back on schedule and our house is somewhat back in order and life is getting back to business as usual.

A couple of weeks ago I went to this amazing worship service. I walked in feeling burdened with a heavy heart. Hard to describe with words but since this is a blog I'll try. My relationship with the Lord feels like a roller coaster sometimes. Not because of Him. He's steadfast. And I've grown a lot, because even though outwardly as this roller coaster ride goes along, inside I feel an unfailing love consume my heart that leaves no room for doubt, which was always there but I didn't see it. Still, this feeling of wondering if I'm enough, if what I'm doing is enough, looms over my mind. I walked in feeling that way, I walked out feeling refreshed and enlightened but still feeling heavy. The worship service was actually part of three day conference. So stinkin' awesome, by the way. During one of the sessions something clicked inside me. This realization that I'm not weird. That feeling "spiritual" isn't weird. So, I am dramatic sometimes (my husband would say, "Sometimes?") and I know this can turn people off and distract. I'm working on that. But "hearing" from God is NOT abnormal or weird. In fact I'd say the opposite is true. Not "hearing" from God is abnormal. Who are we anyway? Aren't we His? Why would  He call us into relationship if it was just going to be empty and one-sided? Why did He go through all the effort to not speak with us now that He can? He actually wants to speak to us! He wants to walk with us and talk with us daily. And not just that, He wants me to hear Him when does speak. He wants to pour out His Spirit into our lives in ways that completely change us. A part of me came alive sitting there.

I'm not weird.

I'm not perfect either. The weight of my imperfections gradually started to creep back into my mind. What do I do God? I'm so screwed up. I have so many issues and so many problems.

At this point in my conversation with the Father the most unusual picture came to mind. What I felt like He was telling me is something He's told me in many different ways. Through the Bible, through different pictures, from words from others.

It was this idea of pressing into Him. We're all messed up. Imagine us being covered in junk but the closer we get to Him the stuff just flies off, really with out any effort on our part. Sometimes the more light I walk in the more I feel my junk is exposed. Actually it seems like these times are kind of organized. (Like God has a plan or something.) I may walk in relative darkness in one area of my life for a while when He shines His light into it and "it" is revealed. Suddenly I'm filled with a heavy and contrite heart but because I've walked this way so long it feels natural. It feels apart of me. What am I to do? What are You asking of me? I always have this feeling of being willing to do whatever I need to but with out a clear direction. I'm at a loss. What He's telling me is, the direction is towards Him. That's all. That's the answer. That's all He really wants from any of us. It's just for us to move in His direction. Walk towards Him. Press in when it's hard and you seem to be walking head on into hurricane winds. He's using that wind to knock junk off. If my focus is on Him and I'm leaning in closer, that stuff can't stay in my life.

It's Jesus. It's always been about Him. If there's a problem, He's the solution. If there is a question, He's the answer. If there's a gap, He fills it. It seems so simple. I think it can be. I know it can be hard some days but it's times like these, when I'm fasting, that I realize how simple it can be. If I can say no to coffee, I can say yes to Him. If I can intentionally look for ways to be randomly kind to someone, I can be intentional about following Him.

Let's press in today.

Day 1: A Random Act Of Kindness

Last night at Fusion (a youth group I journey with) the main topic was kindness...of the random variety.

One beautiful lady shared about how her and a couple friends set out to do a random act of kindness for 30 days straight. Fabulous testimony. So we broke up into small groups and discussed what we could do.

Many, many wonderful ideas were tossed around and the excitement was tangible. However, I was a bit of an interloper as I was filling in as a leader to a group that I don't normally spend much time with and honestly probably won't. Wonderful kids. I wish I could have grown up with this youth group as my friends. Seriously they are awesome. But the project this group was working on didn't really fit for me because they were doing it all together as a group who meets regularly. Since I'm not apart of it I was mostly just listening. Strange for me, I know!

It all really got me thinking. A random act of kindness? What would that look like for me? The challenge was to do something for someone that you would want or be thrilled about receiving. I think I'm generally pretty kind. Check my blog about the quarter. That has really sparked something in me. But being randomly kind for no other reason then just because? Hmmm. Intentionally looking for an opportunity to be...kind? Nope can't say I'm all that consistent there. I'm mostly looking to my own interests, taking care of my own little world, like most of you I'm sure. Or so I tell myself to possibly ease some guilt.

The challenge has been given. I've accepted. For the next 6 days, starting today I'm going to do a random act of kindness and will be blogging about it here. Why 6 days? Because in 7 days lent begins and I think this is an awesome precursor to fasting. What better way to start it then by being intentionally kind. Thoughtfully and intentionally looking for someone to bless in such an unexpected way. I can't wait.

Well if you did your math then you know today is Day 1. I have an idea in mind. Can't wait to share with you how it goes tomorrow!

Stay tuned, and hey, join me if you are so inclined! I'd love to here about it so post some comments and let me know what you do and how it goes.

A Poo and a Prayer

So my darling middle child has been learning to use the potty. He mastered the number 1 business early over the summer time. He pretty much just ran around in his lil undies all day like a barefooted little heathen. He's quite accomplished in this area and very proud, as am I. However, number 2 has been an issue. He refuses to do it on the potty. After waking up to a disaster in his underwear several mornings in a row I decided to put him back in diapers just at night time. He goes every morning in his diaper when he wakes up. This has been an acceptable arrangement for the last couple months. The problem is he's nearing 3 and I'm just plain tired of all the dirty diapers. I've been trying more aggressively to get him to use the potty for all his business and he still does not want to do it. He screams, "I'm not going to! I don't want to! I don't have to!" for the full 5 minutes at a time I make him sit there until the next time the timer goes off and he is required to sit there. He stubbornly refuses and boy does he have good control of his bodily functions because not until I put a diaper on him will he go.

Why am I telling you all this? What? You don't like learning about my child's bowel movements? *shocked face* OK so a couple days ago I was sharing my burdens with group of moms. We were all talking about the problems we're currently having with our children. But before that we were sharing how memorizing scripture is really changing a lot of things in our lives.

We started committing to a memorizing a Psalm a month. Last month was Psalms 61. Oh so many wonderful things in this scripture. It's really encouraged us all the last couple of weeks.

I began to share about how a couple of weeks ago I prayed it over someone. I shared that originally I was telling myself "don't say anything, don't pray, do. not. open your mouth." Then this scripture filled my heart to overflowing and it seemed to really be encouraging for everyone who heard it, as the Word of God tends to be.

I was telling my friends about it, my point being how awesome Psalms 61 is. One of the women (some of you know S. Sealy, who I now must give credit for this blog inspiration and title) asked why the personal struggle to pray for someone? Why was I saying, "no, not going to do it." because, as she pointed it out, it's like my son saying, "I don't want to go POOP!"

This caused a great amount of giggling and full out belly laughter in all of us but it really got me thinking. So I responded that it seems that every time I open my mouth I have the tendency to embarrass myself some how. Being a chatterbox growing up, I was told constantly to be quiet or stop talking or to lower my voice. Add that to the fact that I'm younger then all of my friends and I have an equation that adds up to a lot of insecurity about talking to other people about the Lord or praying for people. I commented to my friends that I feel like if I open my mouth something really horrible will come out. This of course set them up to compare me once again to my son on the potty and what his possible fears are about. In case you didn't catch the comparison, he may also be afraid of opening up and something horrible coming out.

Well I don't really have any answers about this but I wanted to share my journey. One of our pastors shared yesterday that we've all been given something very specific that no one else has to equip us and prepare us to share the gospel. We'll be accountable for this one day and even though we may try to blame our disobedience on lack of confidence or insecurity or just an attitude of playing it safe that that will not be acceptable. Not when He's so freely given us grace and healing for those areas.

Let me leave you with one last thought. When I was a bit younger and really involved in ministry I felt this insecurity. I was trying to remember how I overcame this before and I remembered a scripture I feel like the Lord specifically led me to.

Jeremiah 1 NASB
The Call of Jeremiah
 ⁴ The word of the LORD came to me, saying,
 ⁵ “Before I formed you in the womb I knew^[a] you,
   before you were born I set you apart;
   I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”
 ⁶ “Alas, Sovereign LORD,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am too young.”
 ⁷ But the LORD said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. ⁸ Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the LORD.
 ⁹ Then the LORD reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, “I have put my words in your mouth.

I have often reminded God that I am young and don't have the right words. He's constantly reminding me that that is not an excuse.

Stubbornly Persisting

Last night I had a picture come to my mind. I've been realizing the Lord speaks to me a lot this way and I'm learning to pay attention when this happens.

The picture was of a pregnant woman (not me thank You Jesus!). She was carrying many large pieces of luggage. She had one strapped to her back, several on each arm, was balancing one on her head, and was even dragging some with her legs.

I asked Him what that meant.

My next thought was that it's interesting that a gentleman will open a door for a lady but will especially rush to open a door for an obviously pregnant woman. Even other women will stop what they are doing to help carry something for a pregnant woman. So the significance of the pregnant woman in my picture was not the baby but that she is someone who you would obviously want to help.

I felt like His desire was to lift the burdens of that woman. He was there with open arms to help her. But she refused. Stubbornly persisting that she could manage on her own.

How often do we do that?

The beautiful part was that I didn't pick up any sense of the Father's judgement towards this woman. It was like He was saying, "I know Love, I know you're strong. I made you, remember? I know you could do it. But you don't have to prove anything to Me. Let Me in. Let Me help you. I want you to be free."

It was nothing more then pure longing on His part to simply lift those burdens. It was a bit uncomfortable to watch really. I was nearly unable to help myself from judging the woman. Thinking, why don't you just let go? He only wants to help. Who do you think you are? You don't think you need Him??

But then of course I saw myself as that woman. Trying to carry and balance everything. Never doubting in His ability or desire to help me but feeling unworthy or simply too proud to show any weakness.

I wish I could accurately describe the feelings of compassion that were radiating from His Spirit. It was so touching.

If you are like me and maybe carrying a bit too much would you consider that man I spoke of before. The gentlemen rushes to help not because He sees a weak woman who can't make it on her own. He wants to help simply because He loves us and His desire is that we would be free of those burdens. He knows your strong. You don't have to prove anything to Him. He created you remember? Lay aside every weight. You'll be so glad you did.

This Aint No Country Song

My man's working late, dog is barking, babies screaming, big kids whining, washing machine broken.

No this is not lyrics to the newest hit country song. This is my life. It's enough to make me go crazy on any given day. But maybe the crazy thing about it is.... I kind of like it. I actually kind of love it. Obviously I don't mean the screaming or whining, but I do really love being a mom. I love being able to stay home with my children. Haha and I certainly don't mind a temporarily down washing machine! As I was listening to all these sounds going on at the exact same time I was tempted to lock myself in the bathroom, hold my hands over my ears, rock back and forth, and hum anything that would drown out the sound. This is probably not an unfamiliar impulse for many of my mom friends out there. Or at least I hope not!

The beautiful thing about it today though is, I chose in that instant to be happy. To love it. I chose to love it. Many days I do not make that choice. Many days I pinch myself and hope to wake up from this poop-filled nightmare. Today was different. I felt a whisper across my heart saying "Breathe Me in today. I am here." The joy of the Lord really can be your strength. Not just in the easy times but on the days when all you want to do is hide under the covers or escape into the unrealistic TV or computer portal. I dug real deep inside myself and pulled with all my might on that joy chord. I found laughter and grace there. I found peace and contentment. Do I want to be changing diapers forever? Certainly not. Would it be the worst thing? Absolutely not.

My cup is so full knowing I'm right where He's placed me. Oh how much I have to be thankful for! Oh what joy my life brings to me! Bless the Lord, oh my soul, with all that is within me! Bless Him!

 Colossians 1:11-12 MSG

As you learn more and more how God works, you will learn how to do your work. We pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul—not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us. 

I just wanted to encourage you to stop and breathe. No matter what you're going through pray for that glory-strength that God gives.
Breathe Him in and renew your strength with the joy of the Lord. 

White Tile

In my house I have this beautiful white tiled kitchen floor and entry way. It really is nice tile. And.... I hate it. I don't mean to sound ungrateful but I really do hate it. I'd almost rather have a dirt floor...almost. It probably wouldn't be that bad if I didn't have three messy children. Counting myself that makes four messy eaters. Green peas show up really well on a white tile floor along with everything else including red jello. I'm not much for cleaning either. I don't like filth but I'm very comfortable with a messy house.

Anyway back to the tile. I'm talking to all those Mary's out there who, hopefully like me, rarely mop but when you do you mop hard core. If I'm going to do it, I do it right. (Momma would be so proud!) I'm not talking about just swiffering here and there either. I mean hands and knees scrubbing not moving on until you get every last squished, dried, cemented down piece of food off.

Once my floor is cleaned I always have this great feeling of accomplishment. Because of all the work that it takes to get a sparkling white tile floor, I try to go as long as possible maintaining it. On average that lasts until whatever meal comes next. There's usually always an outburst of frustration towards myself or my kids when one of us inevitably spills or drops something on it. Anyone know what I'm talking about?

Well if you read my previous post and like me, you let go of a lot of junk you probably feel fresh and clean. You've jumped into hyper space with a clean slate. Maybe you are like me in the fact that you feel a great need or pressure to maintain that shiny new soul. In some ways this is very commendable. It's beautiful walking with the Lord with clean hands and a pure heart. Often I cry out "raise up a standard for Your people, Lord. Lead us to a place of wholeness and righteousness. Make us holy as You are holy." Mmmm so good.

This morning though, I felt like I had just dropped a pot of black coffee on my nice clean floor or a jar of spaghetti sauce (no I don't make my sauce from scratch) or a bowl of cereal and milk (hate that!). With great disappointment there appeared a great black stain of sin on my heart.

How does that happen? You want so much to do right. To be right. To live right. "Oh Lord, I just want You more! Draw me closer.....oh wait can we meet later? My favorite show is on...." Anyone with me?

I absolutely do not want to belittle the sin that is always there trying to penetrate our hearts. My point is, spilled milk happens. This life is a journey. We have a goal. There is a prize. All we can do is lean into the Father. Trust Him. And then there's faith. My faith lifts the weight of pain and mistakes. It lifts deep dark clouds of worthlessness and selfish pride. My faith is my belief in truth that God above loves me and you, and gave us freedom, gave us life to walk in love through Jesus. When I cry out for forgiveness He moves on my heart and cleanses me of all unrighteousness. I don't have to be bound in shame. He is setting me free.

The path of the righteous is one that grows brighter and brighter like the steady light of the sun until noon day.  He sweeps us away and wipes us clean. A majic eraser works wonders on my white floor and the blood of Christs washes away all of our sin. Jesus wins. HE did all the work at the cross. We don't have to do anything to make ourselves clean except run to Him.

Do not let condemnation keep you from turning to Him. We aren't worthy, we never were, but He always is and His love never quits.

Let Go- It's Hyper Speed Time

Hyper speed. That's what my mom said. "You're holding on to too much stuff. You need to hit the delete button and make the jump into hyperspeed." (Anyone else cracking up thinking of their mom making a Star Wars reference?)

I remember the part of the movie she's talking about. You know where Han Solo is trying to make the jump into hyper speed but the Millennium Falcon is having technical difficulties. Luke calls the ship a bucket of bolts. Finally the ship dumps all it's garbage and is then capable of making the jump into hyper speed.

There's really so many places we could go in this analogy. Like the fact that the computer has to chart the course before you make the jump into hyperspace so you don't crash into anything. His timing is always best and the Spirit's leading is so crucial! But we'll save that thought for another day.

Seems to me what my mom is getting at is that I've got a lot of junk hanging around that I need to get rid of. It's holding me back keeping me from getting where I need to be. Some of this "stuff" I didn't even realize I was carrying. My mom was able to pick up on it by the Spirit in our conversation. Some things are like those little sucker creatures that attach themselves to us and sap out energy. It's amazing what can sneak in when you open that door of unforgiveness or jealousy!


Laying this stuff down and letting go, surrendering and crying out for help is what we need to do consistently in our race to the feet of Jesus. This is not a new concept. But why do we feel so bad about needing to do it? Why do we feel like horrible "Christians" if we need maintenance? There's no shame in needing Him. It's the way we were created. There's no need for guilt, for we could not have saved ourselves anyway.


Isaiah 41 NASB

¹⁰ ‘Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ 


I've read this scripture often and have always put the emphasis on making God my God. Crying out to Him to please be my God. I want Him to be first. Often making it my heart's cry, praying fervently for Him to clear out anything that would be exalted above Him. But Sunday this scripture was read and this time I really felt like God was saying, "I am...(let that sink in a moment.) I am your God. Do not fear. Do not feel guilt, I am your God. You did it, you received Me and have made Me your God. I'm going to help you."
There's no need to beat ourselves up and cry out for forgiveness over and over about the same thing. He is my God and He will help me. He will hold me up with His righteous right hand. He's helping me in this journey of righteous living. He hasn't called me to a standard that I'm not capable of meeting and when I fall, I fall into His arms of mercy and His righteous hand lifts me back up.

If you are feeling stuck, like you just can't get in gear and make that jump into hyper speed keep reading and ask the Father to help you. I've listed some things that came to mind as I was praying, mostly for my benefit, but I hope it will help if you don't know where to start. As you pray really picture yourself letting go of these things. Be specific. Imagine them floating away deep into space.

Fear. 

I let it go. 

Forgive me for holding on to fear. For falling into it so easily and letting it take control rather then falling into Your arms.

Pride. I let it go. Forgive me for having pride concerning anything You told me in the first place. For feeling deprived of recognition when it's all for Your glory anyway. Everything I have You've given. Everything I am You've created. Yours is the Kingdom and the power and the glory forever.

Jealousy. I let it go. Forgive me for coveting what others have and not being thankful and content with what You've given. Oh, how you've blessed me.


Control. I let it go. Forgive me for trying to pick up responsibilities that are not mine to carry. For trying to fix other people's problems. For feeling the weight and burden of other people's sin and mistakes. Thank you that I can always lay those burdens at Your feet.


Judgement. I let it go. Forgive me for judging others. For putting myself in a place higher then I am, that I think I can judge others. Forgive me, Father, for looking down on and criticizing Your children and gossiping about them with other people.


Worry and Anxiety. I let them go. Forgive me for not trusting You. For doubting You and Your intentions. I lay the weight of worrying for my family at Your feet. I will trust in Your strength and Your ability to protect, provide, and keep us. Forgive my lack of humbleness in thinking I can some how do it all without You. 


You are my God.




I've always had a hard time accepting forgiveness. I know it's because, or at least partly because, I know my own potential for evil. I'm acutely aware of the fact that even as I lay these burdens down I'll most likely at some point pick them up again. I know how easily I can fall into sin again and again. But I believe that what He is saying is that He knows it too. And the beauty is He forgives me anyway. He loves me anyway. And don't you think He's big enough to also forgive me in the future? Don't you know He already has?

Romans 5 NASB
⁸ But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. ⁹ Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from the wrath of God through Him. ¹⁰ For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life. 

October Baby

Below is a link to the trailer of the movie October Baby. I had the wonderful opportunity to see the movie in a pre-screening. It has an extremely powerful message of forgiveness and awareness. It's highly entertaining as a movie but has the ability to transform lives with it's powerful healing message. A young woman discovers that her medical issues and psychological issues are connected. She finds out that she is an abortion survivor.  As you watch her journey to discover the truth and wrestle with forgiveness you can't help but be made aware of issues you never knew existed.

I honestly can't say enough good things about the movie. Watch the trailer, spread the word, and see the movie. You won't be sorry.

As if that weren't enough, the producers of OCTOBER BABY have assigned 10% of the profits of the movie to the Every Life is Beautiful Fund, which will distribute funds to frontline organizations helping women facing crisis pregnancies, life-affirming adoption agencies, and those caring for orphans.

Psalm 31

A Psalm of Complaint and of Praise.

That's what the header says above Psalm 31. I love that. Haha so like David. A song of complaining and of praise. I imagine God likes it too, after all it is in the Bible. It really resonates within me though because I often feel like half the time I'm complaining and half the time praising. Why does that bother us so much and make us feel guilty? This doesn't seem to upset or shock God in anyway. In my experience He seems to prefer it when I'm crying out in an honest way then when I'm ignoring Him.

He get's it. He just really does get what we're going through. I've been reading a lot about how Jesus is the ultimate High Priest. He lived and was tempted in every way. He suffered in those temptations and can relate to our suffering. So when we suffer and we call to Him, He has compassion. He sympathizes with our pain and is gracious and merciful. Thank You God!

Back to the psalm. In the Bible study that I'm working on we were asked to look up a couple of scriptures about God's throne on the basis of Hebrews 4:16 where it says Let us come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. 

I found the topic and study of the Throne extremely interesting and so decided to just do a keyword search and look up all the times the word throne is mentioned. I also like to see it in multiple versions. biblegateway.com is really awesome because it lets you pull up a word in all different kinds of versions all at once. You can imagine that I sifted through literally hundreds of verses containing the word throne. Sounds tedious, I suppose, but I really like that sort of thing. I could spend this whole blog post and many more talking about all the different things I picked up from such a shallow look of the Throne. However Psalm 31 really caught my attention. What's interesting about that is the word throne isn't even actually mentioned in that psalm! What happened is I came across a different verse that contained the word throne along with a phrase that read something like this "You protect them with Your presence." I just thought that was so beautifully put. However if you pull the whole chapter and read it in context, which is an absolute must, it didn't mean exactly what I was thinking. So I decided to try another word search and see if there was a scripture anywhere that related to the idea that with just His presence there is protection and safety like an invisible force field. In my mind I had this grand picture of Him. I could imagine myself running from an army of hungry beasts. He appears out of no where and saves me. My protection didn't come from a mighty lightning strike or a sword or weapon. He vanquished the hairy monsters with just His presence. A bit dramatic I know but since I believe that He really is that cool (Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer got nothin' on Him) I thought it would be even better if I could actually find it in scripture. (Alas, to my great disappointment there are no scriptural references to force fields. *sigh*)

With this second word search I came across Psalm 31. Verse 20 says:
You hide them in the secret place of Your presence from the conspiracies of man;
You keep them secretly in a shelter from the strife of tongues. 

Eh. Didn't really perk my interest all that much except that it was really the only one that talked about His presence in the context of which I was searching for. This of course led me to reading the chapter as a whole. After just reading the header I was hooked.

I also think it's interesting how so much of what I've been reading, thinking, and praying about can be wrapped up in one chapter. How does He do that?!

Just for the sake of not having a blog post that goes on for 200 pages I only want to share a few verses that especially brought me great joy.

⁵ Into Your hand I commit my spirit;
You have ransomed me, O LORD, God of truth.
⁷ I will rejoice and be glad in Your lovingkindness,
Because You have seen my affliction;
You have known the troubles of my soul,
⁸ And You have not given me over into the hand of the enemy;
You have set my feet in a large place.  

Even though I don't have any enemies like what David had I do have enemies in the way unbelief and discontentment are enemies of God and of hope. Are you ever plauged by doubt? Fear? Worry? "What if?" questions? Those are all enemies that have a tangible force. They come against you but instead of falling into that path and then complaining about it we can trust Him, knowing that He is compassionate and can sympathize. He has seen our affliction and He's no stranger to our troubled soul.


 ¹⁹ How great is Your goodness,
Which You have stored up for those who fear You,
Which You have wrought for those who take refuge in You,
Before the sons of men! 

How great is His goodness?! How glad we can be in His lovingkindness! I love the idea of Him "storing up" goodness. Can you imagine? It's like that place that stores all that goodness that we didn't have room enough to contain. All that extra doesn't go away. He's got it stored up and has been storing it up. It's like some great big savings account. Am I the only one excited about that?


²³ O love the LORD, all you His godly ones!
The LORD preserves the faithful
And fully recompenses the proud doer.
²⁴ Be strong and let your heart take courage,
All you who hope in the LORD. 

Verse 23 is so interesting to me. He preserves the faithful. I have the tendency to think that those who are faithful don't need any help in persevering because they have so much faith. What if walking out in faith isn't just for those strong ones? What if it's not about how much faith you have after all? What if it has more to do with just loving Him and trusting Him and knowing that you are weak and that you are kind of a terrible person at times but really believing that He never, ever looses hope or gives up on you? What if it has nothing to do with doing something so He'll help you and love you? What if it's loving Him and letting Him do the something in you?

In case you're like me and the last part of 23 confuses you check it in the Message it says this:
  But he pays back in full
      those arrogant enough to go it alone.

Can you say ominous? There's no shame in crying out to Him for help. In fact He'd much rather that then watching you try to arrogantly go it alone.

To wrap this up I have to copy verse 24 again.

²⁴ Be strong and let your heart take courage,
All you who hope in the LORD. 

Restless

Busy, busy. I'm running here and there. All good things. But there's stress.


Where's the time to meet with Him, my All The Time God. 


There's this need that we, the created, have to fill a void that was specifically made inside all of us by our Creator. When we don't fill it with Him it causes a restlessness inside. It's really a very good thing that this happens. God is so smart! It's like this built-in mechanism that cries out for more of Him. We have this longing for identity, for meaning, for purpose, for love. It's so easy to try to fill that void or answer that longing with other "stuff." Even good things like friends, church, family, work, and play all are empty and nothing with out Him. And then there's stress. And worry. 


I got restless in my thinking. I tried to go along with my culture. I was swept up in and swirled about by my fast paced life and by what others are doing or what I think I'm supposed to be doing. 

How wonderful it is to breathe deep and drop my burdens at His feet. My spirit calls my heart and mind to be still. I close my eyes and stand. Let me hear that still small voice. The bands of stress that have been crushing my chest slowly come loose and in their place I feel His embrace. He whispers rest to my soul. What a beautiful God.


I love this song by Audrey Assad. Listen and find rest. 

All The Time

After much convincing I decided to jump out on a limb and share something I feel the Lord spoke right to my heart and soul. Recently I experienced what some would call a "night vision" or something kind of like an incredibly realistic dream. Mostly I was just in a dark place but not in a scary or creepy way. It seemed more "womb" like. I felt and heard the Father's voice and was at peace.

The difference between a dream and a night vision is usually a night vision is pretty self explanatory. In other words, you don't usually need a night vision interpreted because it's pretty clear and specific. The Lord is usually speaking directly to you. Dreams often need some kind of interpretation for you to get any idea what it's really about or if the Lord is speaking and what He is saying. I wanted to give that explanation because in my experience I kind of just knew what God was saying with out Him necessarily saying it or me actually hearing it. This is not a new or weird concept for doesn't it say in 1 Corinthians 2 NASB:

¹² Now we have received, not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may know the things freely given to us by God, ¹³ which things we also speak, not in words taught by human wisdom, but in those taught by the Spirit, combining spiritual thoughts with spiritual words. 

Wouldn't it be cool if all education was like that? Where the teacher just walks in the room and we all just kind of get it without too much effort? But I digress...we'll save that thought for a blog post another day.

I felt like what Father was telling me was something about Time. I've asked many questions on this topic. I think perspective is so important and when it all seems hopeless, hoping in the eternal is all that is left. There is such beauty in that because even if all really was lost, and let's face it, it rarely ever is, we have so much to hope for and be thankful for just knowing that our eternal lives are secure. I love that when we ask He answers. Sometimes it's not always what we want to hear or how we want to hear it but His faithfulness is such a comfort.

So in this space of peace and rest I felt Him speak to me about time.

Here's what I got. 
When I look at a clock I see my present time, but if He looked at my clock He would see all the time. Not just all the hours of the day but all the hours of every day from beginning to end. It's almost like there is no beginning or end, if I can be so bold.

If I were to ask Him when change is coming His answer would be...all the time.
He's working things out for my good and everything except His nature is subject to change. My situation is changing even now, and it has changed all the same.


When did Adam and Eve first sin? All the time.
The great fall happened long ago and is still happening now. He weeps for every fallen heart like He did the first, but He never looses hope because Love always hopes. And because He's All The Time He can always hope because He knows how it will work out in the future while in the present. (Hmm I love that thought about hope by the way! I mean if you read the end of the book you wouldn't be too freaked out if the character in the story was in great peril because you already knew it would work out? So of course you could be hopeful....*sigh* save that thought for another blog post.)


When did Christ die to save me? All the time.
I was saved then and I am being saved now. That's why faith was credited to Abraham. In his time Christ had yet to come. But in God's time Christ not only was coming but He came and was risen because God is not only The End, He's in the end right now, all the time. What?! Yeah I know *mind blowing* 


When will He come again? All the time.
He's coming and because God can clearly see the end and in fact is there in the end it's already happened, and is happening, and will happen....all the time.

If someone asked you, "Are you breathing?" You could answer, "Of course, all the time." That would mean that you've been breathing your whole life and are currently still breathing. But if you ask Him and He says "all the time," it means He was, He is, and is always, which is pretty widely known and understood. Where I think we loose it is when we say He is, was, and is always, all at the same time. It's hard for our little minds to grasp. But hang in there with me.



You are in the present. You have a past and a future and He is in all of it, all the time. He's an all the time God.



When did He forgive you? When will your circumstances get better? When will He move on your children's hearts? When will there be justice? When is there love and grace and peace and joy?

All the time.

The cool thing I got out of this is that He also sees us in the all the time sort of way.

When God saw David as a shepherd boy He didn't just see him young and ignorant with a heart full of love. The Father saw him as a man. As a king. He saw all David's mistakes and He saw this in real time. Actually you could say He sees. Even though it's the past for us it's still present for Him in all the time and if you really want to be confused it's actually still the past and future...at the same time...all the time.

How many times can you say "all the time," in a blog post?

When He looks at me He doesn't see me just as I am now. He sees all of me. He sees me as a little girl and as an old wrinkly woman and He sees my all, all at once, all the time.

I was created, I'm being created. I am saved and I'm being saved. I'm healed and I'm being healed. I have been made perfect and am being perfected...all the time. For now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known (1 Cor 13:12). Even though I'm not "full" yet. All that I am hasn't happened for me yet but He knows all of it and He knew it before any of it happened. He sees all my potential for good and for bad and He loved me and He called me and He calls me and He loves me...all the time.  

This is why He is literally good. All. The. Time. Not as in everyday He's so good to me, although He is. But in ALL time, ALL the time, He is good.


*Ok so at this point I've just reread all I've written and I'd like to admit that it could seem totally crazy. At the same time it can seem like something I kind of already knew about God. I hope some of it has made sense, at least as much as it did to me. If nothing else I hope you walk away from reading it knowing that before "time" began He thought of you. He knew you. All of you. And He chose right then to love you despite, well, everything. 

**Oh and how cool is it that I actually found a pic with a clock photo shopped on top of a dandelion?! Totally cool that's how.

Just Look Up

"No." It's his new favorite word. My sweet, charming, lover boy, Bret Michael Holt now tells his mommy no with a little added shake of the head. *sigh* It was bound to happen right?

I walked into the kitchen. I found him sitting on the floor with his snack swaying back and forth to the music coming from my laptop. Super cute. I put my hands out to him to come. I wanted to smooch him and spin around with him in a dance all our own.

"No," he says.

He thinks I want him to just get out of the kitchen instead of pick him up. Of course that's gotta be why he told me no, the kid loves being held. Surely if he knew all I wanted was to hold him he'd come right over.

I walk a little closer and put my hands out to him again.


"No" more had shaking.

I walk even closer until I'm right in front of him. He looks up at me with those big blue eyes and smiles. I put my hands out to him again and he realizes that all I want is to hold him. He stands right up with his arms lifted high. I grab him and smother his face in kisses. We twirl around and he laughs.

I love that kid.

Oh Father. If your children only knew.

He stands at the door of our hearts. Arms extended for us to come to Him. We tell Him no because we think He wants us to do something. We think He wants us to get up, clean ourselves up, change, be better, do all the work to come to Him, for Him to chastise us for doing something wrong.

He comes closer. And closer still. If we only knew the truth about His intentions. They are not to get on to us like Bret thought. They are to simply pick us up and hold us close. To spin us around in a dance meant only for us.

It hit me so hard. That thought. As I scooped Bret up it was like He was saying, "I've been here all along. Arms wide, hands extended to you. My heart is open to you. I only want you. I want to love you and hold you and hear your laugh and see your smile."

That is all. He's not standing far from us, beckoning us to come to Him. All He's saying is, "Look up. I'm here. I'm here already." 


So if He seems far, perhaps He's closer then you think. If it seems like all He wants is to make you feel guilty or call you to obedience and you tell Him no with a stubborn shake of your head, just look up. See if He's not standing there waiting.

*I took this when I was in Panama. Those eyes still cut through to my heart.

Love. It Hopes.

We've all read 1 Corinthians 13 probably a gazillion times. Probably could quote it if you needed to. But just in case....

¹ If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.

 ⁴ Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, ⁵ does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, ⁶ does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; ⁷ bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

 ⁸ Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part; ¹⁰ but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. ¹¹ When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. ¹² For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. ¹³ But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Sometimes the repetition of it causes it to seem mundane. It being love. Sure, sure, love is the "christian" thing to do. Yeah, I obey the law, I'm a good person, I give back, I'm honest, and above all I walk in love. Yep, check that off my good girl list.

Reading it today though. It seemed to mean much, much more. More then just doing what is right. I've often read that chapter and put the Father's name in the place of the word "love." You know, God is patient, God is kind, God never fails...

Isn't it wonderful that He never calls us to a standard that He, Himself does not meet? I love that about Him. He is love and all those things.

But today I remember that, yes God is love, but this chapter is written to me, the believer. I am called to love. Now that I have such a clear definition of what love is, that it is, in fact, more then just doing the "christian thing," I am, let's just say, humbled. Good Ole Paul, never one to mince words.

If I do not have love, I am nothing.

Nothing? If I do not have love I am nothing? For how long do I have to have love? At what point do I get to be not in love? How much bad can happen before I can get out of having to love. Love does not sound fun to me. Right? You've read the chapter. At what point do I get to say, "Nope sorry, that's enough of hurting me. I do not have to love you any more. I do not have to be patient. I do not have to be kind.I do not have to forgive you or even tolerate you any longer."??

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

All things?! But that's not fair! 

Love, it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered.

Forever? Forgive everything? All the time? Every time? Over and over?

Love

I think that to have to ask those questions is kind of beside the point. I mean if you have to ask why or for how long then it's not really love in the first place. To say that I just can't forgive or that I just can't take it any longer, that I can not endure this one more day, is to really not be love in the first place. We're not called to try to love. We're called to be love. To have it. To have it as He does and He is Love with a capitol letter.

Love hopes all things.

Love. It hopes. Love hopes. It hopes? Isn't it interesting how between words like "it bears, believes, endures" are the words love hopes all things? Love bears all things. It picks up all those broken dreams, disappointments, and discouragements and carries on, bearing it all with dignity, forgiveness, patience and kindness. Love believes. It never doubts or fails to trust. It always endures. Do you know why? Do you know how it is capable of doing such hard things? You've figured it out. Love always hopes. It's that hope of change that makes capable endurance.

God. Is. Love.

And so am I. 

The Grace Bubble

I'm there again. In that bubble of grace. Towards the end of my pregnancy with Bret I experienced an unusually large amount of grace and peace despite my difficult circumstances. Our living situation was less then ideal, I had a 4 year old and a very active, big one year old that still needed help up and down the stairs and slept in a crib. As big as I was with Bret (He was born weighing in at over 10 lbs two weeks early), I couldn't take care of Alex and needed someone to live with us to help me. Also I had plenty of opportunities to worry about the delivery of Bret considering the complications Alex had when he was born. I suffered a great disappointment while Alex was in the NICU even though he was OK it was so difficult not to have him in my arms for those 2 weeks. It was kind of a miserable time, or it could have been if I hadn't have walked in such a grace and peace that could have only come from my loving Father.

One morning I was thanking Him for keeping me in this little bubble when He whispered such sweet, unforgettable words to my heart.

You're not in a bubble, you're in ME.

And so I was.

I'm there again. In what feels like a bubble of grace but what really is just the ability to knowingly experience being IN Him.

I'm in a tough spot now in my life but feel at complete peace and joy. I know He's with me. I'm with Him.

I hope you've all had a wonderful Christmas. It's tough after Christmas sometimes. If things didn't go quite according to plan, disappointment can hang so heavy in the air. Sometimes the beauty of Christmas is such a sweet distraction from this life full of pain and death that after it's over and the lights come down and the tree is put away all that's left is despair. Life goes on and Christmas can feel like a dream. I think of the poor and how for a short time people really do reach out to them. That's over after Christmas. No more turkey or gifts.

I thought it so thought provoking today while putting the tree away, listening to my daughter. She said, "Putting the tree up is so much more fun then taking it down." Cynically, I thought how life is so like that. We hang our hopes up along with the ornaments on the tree and while taking it down it can feel like life is crashing down along with it. We all know the reason for the season but what's left when the season is over? Let's move on from baby Jesus and remember Him as a man. The life He lived and gave. However things turned out for you this year, good or bad, we can rest knowing what is to come is glorious. All this will one day pass away and the feeling will be of one more powerful then a bubble full of grace. It will be life. Real life.

Let Your Kingdom come, Lord. Come Jesus, come. 

¹⁹ For it was the Father’s good pleasure for all the fullness to dwell in Him, ²⁰ and through Him to reconcile all things to Himself, having made peace through the blood of His cross; through Him, I say, whether things on earth or things in heaven. 

Colossians 1:19-20 NASB

Mosqito Juice

It's like scratching a mosquito bite. You know you shouldn't do it. But it feels better for a little while. It just itches SO BAD. Ugh.

You know that thing that happens, it's different for everyone. Something happens, someone hurts you, or embarrasses you or really ticks you off. And you just keep talking about it. You call all your girls and talk for an hour with each one about how horrible it is. Scratch, scratch scratch. It's so wrong but it feels so good. Why can't things just go the way you want? Why can't she just change?! Why can't I have my way? And it just keeps getting bigger.

Listen to what I have to say and agree and feel sympathy and tell me how wonderful I am. Scratch, scratch.

All of this righteous indignation. It feels so good for the moment, but all the while you're bleeding. Festering. I don't want to go into too much detail but lets just say there is bacteria involved.

That small mosquito bite turns into a huge disgusting sore. Ugh I hate the word sore, ick.  Don't get me wrong. That mosquito was totally wrong for biting you. It's no fun. Scratch, scratch.

Anyone else know what I'm talking about? Or am I the only one with huge mellow-drama and a bad attitude? I probably am (oh wait am I now being dramatic about my drama??)

Why do we fight it? Why do we push Him away in times like this?

One word. Sacrifice.

Because you already know there is going to be a measure of sacrifice, of surrender. You're going to have to give something up. That temporary gratification of knowing your right and having everyone agree with you and having your ego and pride all puffed up, it can feel so good for just a second. It feels good until you hang up. And then you're alone. With just Him. And the Holy Spirit. And They are working on your heart so hard core. And you know, no matter how justified you are, you can't hold onto it.

Just let go....

You know you should. Let go of that hurt, of that injustice, of that pain, of that excuse, of that justification...of that unforgiveness. I cringe at the word.

Surrender.

Let go of that power and pride and self-ness. Is it really what you want?

You're mine.

You're better then that. You are called to a higher standard. There's a beautiful story, a wonderful ending and that stuff is not worth it. Not even for a day. Not even for an hour. Not even for one phone call just to feel right.

Because your not. Not really. Not if you love Him. It's not about being right or wrong. It's all about love. Sounds cheesy I know. If you're in Him and in His love how can you walk out anything that's not love? How can you possibly feel right about anything when you are really nothing?

Isn't it beautiful that He doesn't let us stay there? In Nothing land?

Come to Me all you who are weary. Come to Me all you brokenhearted and heavy laden. I'm here in that darkness. I'm hear with you. Let Me carry that for you. Let Me be everything to you. Drink from this Cup and you will never thirst again.


 

The Gift of Forgiveness

One afternoon, shortly after my second was born, I was resting in my room while my husband was working on some video editing for our church. He was working on the praise and worship service from the previous Sunday led by Chris Stewart. As I lay there resting, the music came to me. It drifted down the hall and into my room. the sweetest feeling overwhelmed me, covered me. It was like someone was literally handing me a gift and in my mind I saw myself opening that gift.

The gift that I received was that I could give up the unforgiveness in my heart. It was like a garment of forgiveness that I could put on. I felt a complete release of emotion. No anger. No...anything. I wasn't overwhelmed with love but I felt forgiveness for this person. It's been that way ever since. I really believe that it was a gift from Father God. How else can I explain it? One day I despised this person who had hurt and wounded me, who had perpetrated a great injustice towards me. The next minute I felt complete and total forgiveness. It was a miracle, a download from heaven. It's like He became this little handyman and crawled inside my heart, started ripping out bad parts and replacing them with new ones. Like that *snap* it was done. No effort on my part. I underwent heart surgery.

There have been many other things and people that I've needed to forgive since then and unfortunately it hasn't been as easy. The point is, the beauty is, Father knows best. He knows exactly what we need, when we need it. He knows if it's too big to do on our own. It would have been too big for me, letting go of that bitterness. But He met me, right where I was. It mattered to God that I wasn't walking in forgiveness. It hindered my walk with Him. And that mattered. It's beautiful, this love He has for us.

 
I started writing this blog months ago. I just didn't feel like it was the right time to talk about it. Forgiveness is such a tricky thing to talk about it. People have experienced truly despicable hurts and pain. Holding on to those hurts, reliving that same situation and burning again with anger seems like the only way to make the pain ease. How do I explain that it's better to forgive. But the truth is He can heal the wound all together.  Not that we ignore it or pretend like it didn't happen. It just doesn't matter any more. That's a hard thing to tell people when they are going through it. If someone would have come up to me and told me that I just needed to walk in forgiveness to this person and the pain would just disappear I would have had a hard time not slapping them in the face. But remember He's all about doing what feels like the opposite thing you should do. It's the inside, upside down Kingdom where you loose to gain. Where being with Him is all that matters. In His presence all those empty spaces are filled.

I've also had a hard time blogging because of this season. Everything I start to type just sounds cheesy or overdone. So as lame as it sounds, a gift you might want to consider giving to someone, or even yourself is the gift of forgiveness, one of the greatest things you can do right now in this, the season of giving. I wouldn't even think to type such a thing if I hadn't myself already experienced the precious gift. And if it feels too big, or too hard, all you have to do is want, to want it. It's ok not to want to forgive someone. Just want Him and He'll give you exactly what you need. There is always enough grace and strength for you, and more love then you can ever imagine.

God of Elijah

Yesterday we read about the God of Elijah in our Jesse Tree Advent book. The Scripture reading comes out of 1 Kings 18:17-39. It may seem long but please read it with me today. It's one of my absolute favorite stories in the Bible and is well worth your time. AND/or you can listen to one of my most favorite songs of all time. I posted the link below the Scripture.

¹⁷ When Ahab saw Elijah, Ahab said to him, “Is this you, you troubler of Israel?” ¹⁸ He said, “I have not troubled Israel, but you and your father’s house have, because you have forsaken the commandments of the LORD and you have followed the Baals. ¹⁹ Now then send and gather to me all Israel at Mount Carmel, together with 450 prophets of Baal and 400 prophets of the Asherah, who eat at Jezebel’s table.”
 ²⁰ So Ahab sent a message among all the sons of Israel and brought the prophets together at Mount Carmel. ²¹ Elijah came near to all the people and said, “How long will you hesitate between two opinions? If the LORD is God, follow Him; but if Baal, follow him.” But the people did not answer him a word. ²² Then Elijah said to the people, “I alone am left a prophet of the LORD, but Baal’s prophets are 450 men. ²³ Now let them give us two oxen; and let them choose one ox for themselves and cut it up, and place it on the wood, but put no fire under it; and I will prepare the other ox and lay it on the wood, and I will not put a fire under it. ²⁴ Then you call on the name of your god, and I will call on the name of the LORD, and the God who answers by fire, He is God.” And all the people said, “That is a good idea.”  ²⁵ So Elijah said to the prophets of Baal, “Choose one ox for yourselves and prepare it first for you are many, and call on the name of your god, but put no fire under it.” ²⁶ Then they took the ox which was given them and they prepared it and called on the name of Baal from morning until noon saying, “O Baal, answer us.” But there was no voice and no one answered. And they leaped about the altar which they made. ²⁷ It came about at noon, that Elijah mocked them and said, “Call out with a loud voice, for he is a god; either he is occupied or gone aside, or is on a journey, or perhaps he is asleep and needs to be awakened.” ²⁸ So they cried with a loud voice and cut themselves according to their custom with swords and lances until the blood gushed out on them. ²⁹ When midday was past, they raved until the time of the offering of the evening sacrifice; but there was no voice, no one answered, and no one paid attention.
 ³⁰ Then Elijah said to all the people, “Come near to me.” So all the people came near to him. And he repaired the altar of the LORD which had been torn down. ³¹ Elijah took twelve stones according to the number of the tribes of the sons of Jacob, to whom the word of the LORD had come, saying, “Israel shall be your name.” ³² So with the stones he built an altar in the name of the LORD, and he made a trench around the altar, large enough to hold two measures of seed. ³³ Then he arranged the wood and cut the ox in pieces and laid it on the wood. ³⁴ And he said, “Fill four pitchers with water and pour it on the burnt offering and on the wood.” And he said, “Do it a second time,” and they did it a second time. And he said, “Do it a third time,” and they did it a third time. ³⁵ The water flowed around the altar and he also filled the trench with water
³⁶ At the time of the offering of the evening sacrifice, Elijah the prophet came near and said, “O LORD, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Israel, today let it be known that You are God in Israel and that I am Your servant and I have done all these things at Your word. ³⁷ Answer me, O LORD, answer me, that this people may know that You, O LORD, are God, and that You have turned their heart back again.” ³⁸ Then the fire of the LORD fell and consumed the burnt offering and the wood and the stones and the dust, and licked up the water that was in the trench. ³⁹ When all the people saw it, they fell on their faces; and they said, “The LORD, He is God; the LORD, He is God.”

I really love this story for a couple of reasons, actually a lot of reasons but I'll only give you a few. First it's totally epic right? I would love to see it play out on a big screen. I love that Elijah is just a man. He's just this guy that the Lord spoke to and who chose to listen. He had regular human issues. He had plenty of self doubt but when it came down to business he was so hard core. I think that Elijah must of had a thing about fire, after all wasn't it he that rode away in a chariot of flame off to heaven?

I love that this story shows the awesomeness of God. God. Is. Dramatic. If you have a problem with people who are dramatic you may want to familiarize yourself with a bit of the Old Testament because we serve an over-the-top God.

It seems that God loves to use just regular people who are seemingly all alone. Elijah, Moses, Noah, Jesus, all these men were utterly alone, everyone had turned against them, mocked them even. But they all had these huge, epic experiences. Elijah called fire down from heaven. Moses stood knee deep in the water and parted the see with nothing but his faith and his staff. Noah built that ark all the while being mocked and laughed at. In all those stories God showed up and He showed off. Part the sea?? Flood the entire earth?? Send fire from heaven? I could go on and on. King Hezekiah stood at the wall of his city and looked around at the hundreds of thousands of enemy soldiers that God had destroyed in one night without the help of one single human.

Jesus.

The most epic and incredible story ever. God, Himself born on this earth, grew to be just a man. Then He gave Himself for me, while I denied Him and His love. This is real life. This happened. It's not just a story.

Do you believe it? Because if you do, you have to believe that one day something similar to this story of Elijah will happen again. He, the Lord God of Abraham, Isaac and Israel is going to show up again, in a powerful and consuming way and on that day, every knee will bow and everyone will say "The LORD, He is God; the LORD, He is God!" OH I CAN'T HARDLY WAIT!