The Grace Bubble

I'm there again. In that bubble of grace. Towards the end of my pregnancy with Bret I experienced an unusually large amount of grace and peace despite my difficult circumstances. Our living situation was less then ideal, I had a 4 year old and a very active, big one year old that still needed help up and down the stairs and slept in a crib. As big as I was with Bret (He was born weighing in at over 10 lbs two weeks early), I couldn't take care of Alex and needed someone to live with us to help me. Also I had plenty of opportunities to worry about the delivery of Bret considering the complications Alex had when he was born. I suffered a great disappointment while Alex was in the NICU even though he was OK it was so difficult not to have him in my arms for those 2 weeks. It was kind of a miserable time, or it could have been if I hadn't have walked in such a grace and peace that could have only come from my loving Father.

One morning I was thanking Him for keeping me in this little bubble when He whispered such sweet, unforgettable words to my heart.

You're not in a bubble, you're in ME.

And so I was.

I'm there again. In what feels like a bubble of grace but what really is just the ability to knowingly experience being IN Him.

I'm in a tough spot now in my life but feel at complete peace and joy. I know He's with me. I'm with Him.

I hope you've all had a wonderful Christmas. It's tough after Christmas sometimes. If things didn't go quite according to plan, disappointment can hang so heavy in the air. Sometimes the beauty of Christmas is such a sweet distraction from this life full of pain and death that after it's over and the lights come down and the tree is put away all that's left is despair. Life goes on and Christmas can feel like a dream. I think of the poor and how for a short time people really do reach out to them. That's over after Christmas. No more turkey or gifts.

I thought it so thought provoking today while putting the tree away, listening to my daughter. She said, "Putting the tree up is so much more fun then taking it down." Cynically, I thought how life is so like that. We hang our hopes up along with the ornaments on the tree and while taking it down it can feel like life is crashing down along with it. We all know the reason for the season but what's left when the season is over? Let's move on from baby Jesus and remember Him as a man. The life He lived and gave. However things turned out for you this year, good or bad, we can rest knowing what is to come is glorious. All this will one day pass away and the feeling will be of one more powerful then a bubble full of grace. It will be life. Real life.

Let Your Kingdom come, Lord. Come Jesus, come. 

¹⁹ For it was the Father’s good pleasure for all the fullness to dwell in Him, ²⁰ and through Him to reconcile all things to Himself, having made peace through the blood of His cross; through Him, I say, whether things on earth or things in heaven. 

Colossians 1:19-20 NASB

The Gift of Forgiveness

One afternoon, shortly after my second was born, I was resting in my room while my husband was working on some video editing for our church. He was working on the praise and worship service from the previous Sunday led by Chris Stewart. As I lay there resting, the music came to me. It drifted down the hall and into my room. the sweetest feeling overwhelmed me, covered me. It was like someone was literally handing me a gift and in my mind I saw myself opening that gift.

The gift that I received was that I could give up the unforgiveness in my heart. It was like a garment of forgiveness that I could put on. I felt a complete release of emotion. No anger. No...anything. I wasn't overwhelmed with love but I felt forgiveness for this person. It's been that way ever since. I really believe that it was a gift from Father God. How else can I explain it? One day I despised this person who had hurt and wounded me, who had perpetrated a great injustice towards me. The next minute I felt complete and total forgiveness. It was a miracle, a download from heaven. It's like He became this little handyman and crawled inside my heart, started ripping out bad parts and replacing them with new ones. Like that *snap* it was done. No effort on my part. I underwent heart surgery.

There have been many other things and people that I've needed to forgive since then and unfortunately it hasn't been as easy. The point is, the beauty is, Father knows best. He knows exactly what we need, when we need it. He knows if it's too big to do on our own. It would have been too big for me, letting go of that bitterness. But He met me, right where I was. It mattered to God that I wasn't walking in forgiveness. It hindered my walk with Him. And that mattered. It's beautiful, this love He has for us.

 
I started writing this blog months ago. I just didn't feel like it was the right time to talk about it. Forgiveness is such a tricky thing to talk about it. People have experienced truly despicable hurts and pain. Holding on to those hurts, reliving that same situation and burning again with anger seems like the only way to make the pain ease. How do I explain that it's better to forgive. But the truth is He can heal the wound all together.  Not that we ignore it or pretend like it didn't happen. It just doesn't matter any more. That's a hard thing to tell people when they are going through it. If someone would have come up to me and told me that I just needed to walk in forgiveness to this person and the pain would just disappear I would have had a hard time not slapping them in the face. But remember He's all about doing what feels like the opposite thing you should do. It's the inside, upside down Kingdom where you loose to gain. Where being with Him is all that matters. In His presence all those empty spaces are filled.

I've also had a hard time blogging because of this season. Everything I start to type just sounds cheesy or overdone. So as lame as it sounds, a gift you might want to consider giving to someone, or even yourself is the gift of forgiveness, one of the greatest things you can do right now in this, the season of giving. I wouldn't even think to type such a thing if I hadn't myself already experienced the precious gift. And if it feels too big, or too hard, all you have to do is want, to want it. It's ok not to want to forgive someone. Just want Him and He'll give you exactly what you need. There is always enough grace and strength for you, and more love then you can ever imagine.

Kingdom and a Quarter

I read a book by Brother Andrew years ago. His books are awesome, highly recommend them. He wrote about an experience that really stood out to me. I've thought about it often. He said at one point while he was in Bible school he had run out of razors and basic toiletry necessities. He wasn't working and was living off supporters. He hadn't received any money in quite some time. He talked about his struggle with faith and believing that God would meet his needs. He finally got the idea that if he just started walking around maybe he would find some money on the ground. Perhaps that was how the Lord would meet his need. So he goes out and starts walking. He walked all day long, looking in the gutter of the most busy streets hoping to find some money. Eventually it dawned on him that perhaps this wasn't the best idea he ever had. He then shared what the Lord revealed to him about the Kingdom. He called it "the Kingdom Way." The Kingdom Way was not looking in the gutter, sifting through trash, for what he needed. So he repents and goes back to his dorm. All the way back he talks to the Father about his needs and just is honest with the Lord, completely vulnerable with Him and Brother Andrew says he experienced an intimacy that he had never before had. When he got back to his dorm an envelope was waiting for him with enough money to cover all his expenses.

I've often had to ask myself, "Is this the Kingdom Way?" In God's Kingdom He never has to compromise His standards to meet my need. Why should I? Have you ever found yourself doing something that just isn't the Kingdom Way to meet your need yourself?

A while back I was going into a local grocery store where you have to use a quarter to get a shopping cart. You get your quarter back when you are finished with the cart and have put it away. I realized that I did not have a quarter. I also realized that not only did I have no change, I only had a $20 bill and my debit card. I really didn't want to go in and cash my 20 just to get a quarter so I asked a lady who was returning her cart if I could have her cart. She looked at my like I had grown a second head. It was totally awkward. So I went in the store, cashed my $20, and got my cart. All the while I was shopping I was really gripping about this chick. Good grief it's just a quarter. I wasn't trying to steal your purse for crying out loud. Sheesh. I finished shopping, got my groceries loaded up, and as I went to return my cart a gentlemen approached me and asked if I'd like him to return my cart. I thought how nice that was. Finally a kind person. I told him thank you and expected him to hand me a quarter. He didn't. He just walked away with my cart and my quarter! Can you believe that?! I couldn't believe it. He stole my quarter! *sigh* Then it dawned on me. I heard my voice in my head griping at that lady, "It's just a quarter!" Ok Lord, I get it. This is not the Kingdom Way.

Ever since then if there is no one around I can give my cart to I just leave my quarter in the cart for the next person to have. I've actually chased down a couple of ladies to give them my cart before they have a chance to dig through their purse for a quarter. It's quite humbling but there have been a few times I've seen people who, like me, didn't have a quarter. It's so cool to just walk up with my cart and not expect anything in return. On the other hand, it's always a little hard when there is no one around to appreciate my sacrifice. I always want to just keep my quarter.

Anyway, it's a small thing I know. But for me, I know I further the Kingdom even in this tiny thing. What are you doing to further the Kingdom? I'd love to hear it. Big or small, it matters to God.