White Tile

In my house I have this beautiful white tiled kitchen floor and entry way. It really is nice tile. And.... I hate it. I don't mean to sound ungrateful but I really do hate it. I'd almost rather have a dirt floor...almost. It probably wouldn't be that bad if I didn't have three messy children. Counting myself that makes four messy eaters. Green peas show up really well on a white tile floor along with everything else including red jello. I'm not much for cleaning either. I don't like filth but I'm very comfortable with a messy house.

Anyway back to the tile. I'm talking to all those Mary's out there who, hopefully like me, rarely mop but when you do you mop hard core. If I'm going to do it, I do it right. (Momma would be so proud!) I'm not talking about just swiffering here and there either. I mean hands and knees scrubbing not moving on until you get every last squished, dried, cemented down piece of food off.

Once my floor is cleaned I always have this great feeling of accomplishment. Because of all the work that it takes to get a sparkling white tile floor, I try to go as long as possible maintaining it. On average that lasts until whatever meal comes next. There's usually always an outburst of frustration towards myself or my kids when one of us inevitably spills or drops something on it. Anyone know what I'm talking about?

Well if you read my previous post and like me, you let go of a lot of junk you probably feel fresh and clean. You've jumped into hyper space with a clean slate. Maybe you are like me in the fact that you feel a great need or pressure to maintain that shiny new soul. In some ways this is very commendable. It's beautiful walking with the Lord with clean hands and a pure heart. Often I cry out "raise up a standard for Your people, Lord. Lead us to a place of wholeness and righteousness. Make us holy as You are holy." Mmmm so good.

This morning though, I felt like I had just dropped a pot of black coffee on my nice clean floor or a jar of spaghetti sauce (no I don't make my sauce from scratch) or a bowl of cereal and milk (hate that!). With great disappointment there appeared a great black stain of sin on my heart.

How does that happen? You want so much to do right. To be right. To live right. "Oh Lord, I just want You more! Draw me closer.....oh wait can we meet later? My favorite show is on...." Anyone with me?

I absolutely do not want to belittle the sin that is always there trying to penetrate our hearts. My point is, spilled milk happens. This life is a journey. We have a goal. There is a prize. All we can do is lean into the Father. Trust Him. And then there's faith. My faith lifts the weight of pain and mistakes. It lifts deep dark clouds of worthlessness and selfish pride. My faith is my belief in truth that God above loves me and you, and gave us freedom, gave us life to walk in love through Jesus. When I cry out for forgiveness He moves on my heart and cleanses me of all unrighteousness. I don't have to be bound in shame. He is setting me free.

The path of the righteous is one that grows brighter and brighter like the steady light of the sun until noon day.  He sweeps us away and wipes us clean. A majic eraser works wonders on my white floor and the blood of Christs washes away all of our sin. Jesus wins. HE did all the work at the cross. We don't have to do anything to make ourselves clean except run to Him.

Do not let condemnation keep you from turning to Him. We aren't worthy, we never were, but He always is and His love never quits.

Let Go- It's Hyper Speed Time

Hyper speed. That's what my mom said. "You're holding on to too much stuff. You need to hit the delete button and make the jump into hyperspeed." (Anyone else cracking up thinking of their mom making a Star Wars reference?)

I remember the part of the movie she's talking about. You know where Han Solo is trying to make the jump into hyper speed but the Millennium Falcon is having technical difficulties. Luke calls the ship a bucket of bolts. Finally the ship dumps all it's garbage and is then capable of making the jump into hyper speed.

There's really so many places we could go in this analogy. Like the fact that the computer has to chart the course before you make the jump into hyperspace so you don't crash into anything. His timing is always best and the Spirit's leading is so crucial! But we'll save that thought for another day.

Seems to me what my mom is getting at is that I've got a lot of junk hanging around that I need to get rid of. It's holding me back keeping me from getting where I need to be. Some of this "stuff" I didn't even realize I was carrying. My mom was able to pick up on it by the Spirit in our conversation. Some things are like those little sucker creatures that attach themselves to us and sap out energy. It's amazing what can sneak in when you open that door of unforgiveness or jealousy!


Laying this stuff down and letting go, surrendering and crying out for help is what we need to do consistently in our race to the feet of Jesus. This is not a new concept. But why do we feel so bad about needing to do it? Why do we feel like horrible "Christians" if we need maintenance? There's no shame in needing Him. It's the way we were created. There's no need for guilt, for we could not have saved ourselves anyway.


Isaiah 41 NASB

¹⁰ ‘Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ 


I've read this scripture often and have always put the emphasis on making God my God. Crying out to Him to please be my God. I want Him to be first. Often making it my heart's cry, praying fervently for Him to clear out anything that would be exalted above Him. But Sunday this scripture was read and this time I really felt like God was saying, "I am...(let that sink in a moment.) I am your God. Do not fear. Do not feel guilt, I am your God. You did it, you received Me and have made Me your God. I'm going to help you."
There's no need to beat ourselves up and cry out for forgiveness over and over about the same thing. He is my God and He will help me. He will hold me up with His righteous right hand. He's helping me in this journey of righteous living. He hasn't called me to a standard that I'm not capable of meeting and when I fall, I fall into His arms of mercy and His righteous hand lifts me back up.

If you are feeling stuck, like you just can't get in gear and make that jump into hyper speed keep reading and ask the Father to help you. I've listed some things that came to mind as I was praying, mostly for my benefit, but I hope it will help if you don't know where to start. As you pray really picture yourself letting go of these things. Be specific. Imagine them floating away deep into space.

Fear. 

I let it go. 

Forgive me for holding on to fear. For falling into it so easily and letting it take control rather then falling into Your arms.

Pride. I let it go. Forgive me for having pride concerning anything You told me in the first place. For feeling deprived of recognition when it's all for Your glory anyway. Everything I have You've given. Everything I am You've created. Yours is the Kingdom and the power and the glory forever.

Jealousy. I let it go. Forgive me for coveting what others have and not being thankful and content with what You've given. Oh, how you've blessed me.


Control. I let it go. Forgive me for trying to pick up responsibilities that are not mine to carry. For trying to fix other people's problems. For feeling the weight and burden of other people's sin and mistakes. Thank you that I can always lay those burdens at Your feet.


Judgement. I let it go. Forgive me for judging others. For putting myself in a place higher then I am, that I think I can judge others. Forgive me, Father, for looking down on and criticizing Your children and gossiping about them with other people.


Worry and Anxiety. I let them go. Forgive me for not trusting You. For doubting You and Your intentions. I lay the weight of worrying for my family at Your feet. I will trust in Your strength and Your ability to protect, provide, and keep us. Forgive my lack of humbleness in thinking I can some how do it all without You. 


You are my God.




I've always had a hard time accepting forgiveness. I know it's because, or at least partly because, I know my own potential for evil. I'm acutely aware of the fact that even as I lay these burdens down I'll most likely at some point pick them up again. I know how easily I can fall into sin again and again. But I believe that what He is saying is that He knows it too. And the beauty is He forgives me anyway. He loves me anyway. And don't you think He's big enough to also forgive me in the future? Don't you know He already has?

Romans 5 NASB
⁸ But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. ⁹ Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from the wrath of God through Him. ¹⁰ For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life. 

October Baby

Below is a link to the trailer of the movie October Baby. I had the wonderful opportunity to see the movie in a pre-screening. It has an extremely powerful message of forgiveness and awareness. It's highly entertaining as a movie but has the ability to transform lives with it's powerful healing message. A young woman discovers that her medical issues and psychological issues are connected. She finds out that she is an abortion survivor.  As you watch her journey to discover the truth and wrestle with forgiveness you can't help but be made aware of issues you never knew existed.

I honestly can't say enough good things about the movie. Watch the trailer, spread the word, and see the movie. You won't be sorry.

As if that weren't enough, the producers of OCTOBER BABY have assigned 10% of the profits of the movie to the Every Life is Beautiful Fund, which will distribute funds to frontline organizations helping women facing crisis pregnancies, life-affirming adoption agencies, and those caring for orphans.

Psalm 31

A Psalm of Complaint and of Praise.

That's what the header says above Psalm 31. I love that. Haha so like David. A song of complaining and of praise. I imagine God likes it too, after all it is in the Bible. It really resonates within me though because I often feel like half the time I'm complaining and half the time praising. Why does that bother us so much and make us feel guilty? This doesn't seem to upset or shock God in anyway. In my experience He seems to prefer it when I'm crying out in an honest way then when I'm ignoring Him.

He get's it. He just really does get what we're going through. I've been reading a lot about how Jesus is the ultimate High Priest. He lived and was tempted in every way. He suffered in those temptations and can relate to our suffering. So when we suffer and we call to Him, He has compassion. He sympathizes with our pain and is gracious and merciful. Thank You God!

Back to the psalm. In the Bible study that I'm working on we were asked to look up a couple of scriptures about God's throne on the basis of Hebrews 4:16 where it says Let us come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. 

I found the topic and study of the Throne extremely interesting and so decided to just do a keyword search and look up all the times the word throne is mentioned. I also like to see it in multiple versions. biblegateway.com is really awesome because it lets you pull up a word in all different kinds of versions all at once. You can imagine that I sifted through literally hundreds of verses containing the word throne. Sounds tedious, I suppose, but I really like that sort of thing. I could spend this whole blog post and many more talking about all the different things I picked up from such a shallow look of the Throne. However Psalm 31 really caught my attention. What's interesting about that is the word throne isn't even actually mentioned in that psalm! What happened is I came across a different verse that contained the word throne along with a phrase that read something like this "You protect them with Your presence." I just thought that was so beautifully put. However if you pull the whole chapter and read it in context, which is an absolute must, it didn't mean exactly what I was thinking. So I decided to try another word search and see if there was a scripture anywhere that related to the idea that with just His presence there is protection and safety like an invisible force field. In my mind I had this grand picture of Him. I could imagine myself running from an army of hungry beasts. He appears out of no where and saves me. My protection didn't come from a mighty lightning strike or a sword or weapon. He vanquished the hairy monsters with just His presence. A bit dramatic I know but since I believe that He really is that cool (Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer got nothin' on Him) I thought it would be even better if I could actually find it in scripture. (Alas, to my great disappointment there are no scriptural references to force fields. *sigh*)

With this second word search I came across Psalm 31. Verse 20 says:
You hide them in the secret place of Your presence from the conspiracies of man;
You keep them secretly in a shelter from the strife of tongues. 

Eh. Didn't really perk my interest all that much except that it was really the only one that talked about His presence in the context of which I was searching for. This of course led me to reading the chapter as a whole. After just reading the header I was hooked.

I also think it's interesting how so much of what I've been reading, thinking, and praying about can be wrapped up in one chapter. How does He do that?!

Just for the sake of not having a blog post that goes on for 200 pages I only want to share a few verses that especially brought me great joy.

⁵ Into Your hand I commit my spirit;
You have ransomed me, O LORD, God of truth.
⁷ I will rejoice and be glad in Your lovingkindness,
Because You have seen my affliction;
You have known the troubles of my soul,
⁸ And You have not given me over into the hand of the enemy;
You have set my feet in a large place.  

Even though I don't have any enemies like what David had I do have enemies in the way unbelief and discontentment are enemies of God and of hope. Are you ever plauged by doubt? Fear? Worry? "What if?" questions? Those are all enemies that have a tangible force. They come against you but instead of falling into that path and then complaining about it we can trust Him, knowing that He is compassionate and can sympathize. He has seen our affliction and He's no stranger to our troubled soul.


 ¹⁹ How great is Your goodness,
Which You have stored up for those who fear You,
Which You have wrought for those who take refuge in You,
Before the sons of men! 

How great is His goodness?! How glad we can be in His lovingkindness! I love the idea of Him "storing up" goodness. Can you imagine? It's like that place that stores all that goodness that we didn't have room enough to contain. All that extra doesn't go away. He's got it stored up and has been storing it up. It's like some great big savings account. Am I the only one excited about that?


²³ O love the LORD, all you His godly ones!
The LORD preserves the faithful
And fully recompenses the proud doer.
²⁴ Be strong and let your heart take courage,
All you who hope in the LORD. 

Verse 23 is so interesting to me. He preserves the faithful. I have the tendency to think that those who are faithful don't need any help in persevering because they have so much faith. What if walking out in faith isn't just for those strong ones? What if it's not about how much faith you have after all? What if it has more to do with just loving Him and trusting Him and knowing that you are weak and that you are kind of a terrible person at times but really believing that He never, ever looses hope or gives up on you? What if it has nothing to do with doing something so He'll help you and love you? What if it's loving Him and letting Him do the something in you?

In case you're like me and the last part of 23 confuses you check it in the Message it says this:
  But he pays back in full
      those arrogant enough to go it alone.

Can you say ominous? There's no shame in crying out to Him for help. In fact He'd much rather that then watching you try to arrogantly go it alone.

To wrap this up I have to copy verse 24 again.

²⁴ Be strong and let your heart take courage,
All you who hope in the LORD. 

Restless

Busy, busy. I'm running here and there. All good things. But there's stress.


Where's the time to meet with Him, my All The Time God. 


There's this need that we, the created, have to fill a void that was specifically made inside all of us by our Creator. When we don't fill it with Him it causes a restlessness inside. It's really a very good thing that this happens. God is so smart! It's like this built-in mechanism that cries out for more of Him. We have this longing for identity, for meaning, for purpose, for love. It's so easy to try to fill that void or answer that longing with other "stuff." Even good things like friends, church, family, work, and play all are empty and nothing with out Him. And then there's stress. And worry. 


I got restless in my thinking. I tried to go along with my culture. I was swept up in and swirled about by my fast paced life and by what others are doing or what I think I'm supposed to be doing. 

How wonderful it is to breathe deep and drop my burdens at His feet. My spirit calls my heart and mind to be still. I close my eyes and stand. Let me hear that still small voice. The bands of stress that have been crushing my chest slowly come loose and in their place I feel His embrace. He whispers rest to my soul. What a beautiful God.


I love this song by Audrey Assad. Listen and find rest. 

All The Time

After much convincing I decided to jump out on a limb and share something I feel the Lord spoke right to my heart and soul. Recently I experienced what some would call a "night vision" or something kind of like an incredibly realistic dream. Mostly I was just in a dark place but not in a scary or creepy way. It seemed more "womb" like. I felt and heard the Father's voice and was at peace.

The difference between a dream and a night vision is usually a night vision is pretty self explanatory. In other words, you don't usually need a night vision interpreted because it's pretty clear and specific. The Lord is usually speaking directly to you. Dreams often need some kind of interpretation for you to get any idea what it's really about or if the Lord is speaking and what He is saying. I wanted to give that explanation because in my experience I kind of just knew what God was saying with out Him necessarily saying it or me actually hearing it. This is not a new or weird concept for doesn't it say in 1 Corinthians 2 NASB:

¹² Now we have received, not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may know the things freely given to us by God, ¹³ which things we also speak, not in words taught by human wisdom, but in those taught by the Spirit, combining spiritual thoughts with spiritual words. 

Wouldn't it be cool if all education was like that? Where the teacher just walks in the room and we all just kind of get it without too much effort? But I digress...we'll save that thought for a blog post another day.

I felt like what Father was telling me was something about Time. I've asked many questions on this topic. I think perspective is so important and when it all seems hopeless, hoping in the eternal is all that is left. There is such beauty in that because even if all really was lost, and let's face it, it rarely ever is, we have so much to hope for and be thankful for just knowing that our eternal lives are secure. I love that when we ask He answers. Sometimes it's not always what we want to hear or how we want to hear it but His faithfulness is such a comfort.

So in this space of peace and rest I felt Him speak to me about time.

Here's what I got. 
When I look at a clock I see my present time, but if He looked at my clock He would see all the time. Not just all the hours of the day but all the hours of every day from beginning to end. It's almost like there is no beginning or end, if I can be so bold.

If I were to ask Him when change is coming His answer would be...all the time.
He's working things out for my good and everything except His nature is subject to change. My situation is changing even now, and it has changed all the same.


When did Adam and Eve first sin? All the time.
The great fall happened long ago and is still happening now. He weeps for every fallen heart like He did the first, but He never looses hope because Love always hopes. And because He's All The Time He can always hope because He knows how it will work out in the future while in the present. (Hmm I love that thought about hope by the way! I mean if you read the end of the book you wouldn't be too freaked out if the character in the story was in great peril because you already knew it would work out? So of course you could be hopeful....*sigh* save that thought for another blog post.)


When did Christ die to save me? All the time.
I was saved then and I am being saved now. That's why faith was credited to Abraham. In his time Christ had yet to come. But in God's time Christ not only was coming but He came and was risen because God is not only The End, He's in the end right now, all the time. What?! Yeah I know *mind blowing* 


When will He come again? All the time.
He's coming and because God can clearly see the end and in fact is there in the end it's already happened, and is happening, and will happen....all the time.

If someone asked you, "Are you breathing?" You could answer, "Of course, all the time." That would mean that you've been breathing your whole life and are currently still breathing. But if you ask Him and He says "all the time," it means He was, He is, and is always, which is pretty widely known and understood. Where I think we loose it is when we say He is, was, and is always, all at the same time. It's hard for our little minds to grasp. But hang in there with me.



You are in the present. You have a past and a future and He is in all of it, all the time. He's an all the time God.



When did He forgive you? When will your circumstances get better? When will He move on your children's hearts? When will there be justice? When is there love and grace and peace and joy?

All the time.

The cool thing I got out of this is that He also sees us in the all the time sort of way.

When God saw David as a shepherd boy He didn't just see him young and ignorant with a heart full of love. The Father saw him as a man. As a king. He saw all David's mistakes and He saw this in real time. Actually you could say He sees. Even though it's the past for us it's still present for Him in all the time and if you really want to be confused it's actually still the past and future...at the same time...all the time.

How many times can you say "all the time," in a blog post?

When He looks at me He doesn't see me just as I am now. He sees all of me. He sees me as a little girl and as an old wrinkly woman and He sees my all, all at once, all the time.

I was created, I'm being created. I am saved and I'm being saved. I'm healed and I'm being healed. I have been made perfect and am being perfected...all the time. For now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known (1 Cor 13:12). Even though I'm not "full" yet. All that I am hasn't happened for me yet but He knows all of it and He knew it before any of it happened. He sees all my potential for good and for bad and He loved me and He called me and He calls me and He loves me...all the time.  

This is why He is literally good. All. The. Time. Not as in everyday He's so good to me, although He is. But in ALL time, ALL the time, He is good.


*Ok so at this point I've just reread all I've written and I'd like to admit that it could seem totally crazy. At the same time it can seem like something I kind of already knew about God. I hope some of it has made sense, at least as much as it did to me. If nothing else I hope you walk away from reading it knowing that before "time" began He thought of you. He knew you. All of you. And He chose right then to love you despite, well, everything. 

**Oh and how cool is it that I actually found a pic with a clock photo shopped on top of a dandelion?! Totally cool that's how.

Just Look Up

"No." It's his new favorite word. My sweet, charming, lover boy, Bret Michael Holt now tells his mommy no with a little added shake of the head. *sigh* It was bound to happen right?

I walked into the kitchen. I found him sitting on the floor with his snack swaying back and forth to the music coming from my laptop. Super cute. I put my hands out to him to come. I wanted to smooch him and spin around with him in a dance all our own.

"No," he says.

He thinks I want him to just get out of the kitchen instead of pick him up. Of course that's gotta be why he told me no, the kid loves being held. Surely if he knew all I wanted was to hold him he'd come right over.

I walk a little closer and put my hands out to him again.


"No" more had shaking.

I walk even closer until I'm right in front of him. He looks up at me with those big blue eyes and smiles. I put my hands out to him again and he realizes that all I want is to hold him. He stands right up with his arms lifted high. I grab him and smother his face in kisses. We twirl around and he laughs.

I love that kid.

Oh Father. If your children only knew.

He stands at the door of our hearts. Arms extended for us to come to Him. We tell Him no because we think He wants us to do something. We think He wants us to get up, clean ourselves up, change, be better, do all the work to come to Him, for Him to chastise us for doing something wrong.

He comes closer. And closer still. If we only knew the truth about His intentions. They are not to get on to us like Bret thought. They are to simply pick us up and hold us close. To spin us around in a dance meant only for us.

It hit me so hard. That thought. As I scooped Bret up it was like He was saying, "I've been here all along. Arms wide, hands extended to you. My heart is open to you. I only want you. I want to love you and hold you and hear your laugh and see your smile."

That is all. He's not standing far from us, beckoning us to come to Him. All He's saying is, "Look up. I'm here. I'm here already." 


So if He seems far, perhaps He's closer then you think. If it seems like all He wants is to make you feel guilty or call you to obedience and you tell Him no with a stubborn shake of your head, just look up. See if He's not standing there waiting.

*I took this when I was in Panama. Those eyes still cut through to my heart.

Love. It Hopes.

We've all read 1 Corinthians 13 probably a gazillion times. Probably could quote it if you needed to. But just in case....

¹ If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.

 ⁴ Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, ⁵ does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, ⁶ does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; ⁷ bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

 ⁸ Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part; ¹⁰ but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. ¹¹ When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. ¹² For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. ¹³ But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Sometimes the repetition of it causes it to seem mundane. It being love. Sure, sure, love is the "christian" thing to do. Yeah, I obey the law, I'm a good person, I give back, I'm honest, and above all I walk in love. Yep, check that off my good girl list.

Reading it today though. It seemed to mean much, much more. More then just doing what is right. I've often read that chapter and put the Father's name in the place of the word "love." You know, God is patient, God is kind, God never fails...

Isn't it wonderful that He never calls us to a standard that He, Himself does not meet? I love that about Him. He is love and all those things.

But today I remember that, yes God is love, but this chapter is written to me, the believer. I am called to love. Now that I have such a clear definition of what love is, that it is, in fact, more then just doing the "christian thing," I am, let's just say, humbled. Good Ole Paul, never one to mince words.

If I do not have love, I am nothing.

Nothing? If I do not have love I am nothing? For how long do I have to have love? At what point do I get to be not in love? How much bad can happen before I can get out of having to love. Love does not sound fun to me. Right? You've read the chapter. At what point do I get to say, "Nope sorry, that's enough of hurting me. I do not have to love you any more. I do not have to be patient. I do not have to be kind.I do not have to forgive you or even tolerate you any longer."??

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

All things?! But that's not fair! 

Love, it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered.

Forever? Forgive everything? All the time? Every time? Over and over?

Love

I think that to have to ask those questions is kind of beside the point. I mean if you have to ask why or for how long then it's not really love in the first place. To say that I just can't forgive or that I just can't take it any longer, that I can not endure this one more day, is to really not be love in the first place. We're not called to try to love. We're called to be love. To have it. To have it as He does and He is Love with a capitol letter.

Love hopes all things.

Love. It hopes. Love hopes. It hopes? Isn't it interesting how between words like "it bears, believes, endures" are the words love hopes all things? Love bears all things. It picks up all those broken dreams, disappointments, and discouragements and carries on, bearing it all with dignity, forgiveness, patience and kindness. Love believes. It never doubts or fails to trust. It always endures. Do you know why? Do you know how it is capable of doing such hard things? You've figured it out. Love always hopes. It's that hope of change that makes capable endurance.

God. Is. Love.

And so am I. 

The Grace Bubble

I'm there again. In that bubble of grace. Towards the end of my pregnancy with Bret I experienced an unusually large amount of grace and peace despite my difficult circumstances. Our living situation was less then ideal, I had a 4 year old and a very active, big one year old that still needed help up and down the stairs and slept in a crib. As big as I was with Bret (He was born weighing in at over 10 lbs two weeks early), I couldn't take care of Alex and needed someone to live with us to help me. Also I had plenty of opportunities to worry about the delivery of Bret considering the complications Alex had when he was born. I suffered a great disappointment while Alex was in the NICU even though he was OK it was so difficult not to have him in my arms for those 2 weeks. It was kind of a miserable time, or it could have been if I hadn't have walked in such a grace and peace that could have only come from my loving Father.

One morning I was thanking Him for keeping me in this little bubble when He whispered such sweet, unforgettable words to my heart.

You're not in a bubble, you're in ME.

And so I was.

I'm there again. In what feels like a bubble of grace but what really is just the ability to knowingly experience being IN Him.

I'm in a tough spot now in my life but feel at complete peace and joy. I know He's with me. I'm with Him.

I hope you've all had a wonderful Christmas. It's tough after Christmas sometimes. If things didn't go quite according to plan, disappointment can hang so heavy in the air. Sometimes the beauty of Christmas is such a sweet distraction from this life full of pain and death that after it's over and the lights come down and the tree is put away all that's left is despair. Life goes on and Christmas can feel like a dream. I think of the poor and how for a short time people really do reach out to them. That's over after Christmas. No more turkey or gifts.

I thought it so thought provoking today while putting the tree away, listening to my daughter. She said, "Putting the tree up is so much more fun then taking it down." Cynically, I thought how life is so like that. We hang our hopes up along with the ornaments on the tree and while taking it down it can feel like life is crashing down along with it. We all know the reason for the season but what's left when the season is over? Let's move on from baby Jesus and remember Him as a man. The life He lived and gave. However things turned out for you this year, good or bad, we can rest knowing what is to come is glorious. All this will one day pass away and the feeling will be of one more powerful then a bubble full of grace. It will be life. Real life.

Let Your Kingdom come, Lord. Come Jesus, come. 

¹⁹ For it was the Father’s good pleasure for all the fullness to dwell in Him, ²⁰ and through Him to reconcile all things to Himself, having made peace through the blood of His cross; through Him, I say, whether things on earth or things in heaven. 

Colossians 1:19-20 NASB

Mosqito Juice

It's like scratching a mosquito bite. You know you shouldn't do it. But it feels better for a little while. It just itches SO BAD. Ugh.

You know that thing that happens, it's different for everyone. Something happens, someone hurts you, or embarrasses you or really ticks you off. And you just keep talking about it. You call all your girls and talk for an hour with each one about how horrible it is. Scratch, scratch scratch. It's so wrong but it feels so good. Why can't things just go the way you want? Why can't she just change?! Why can't I have my way? And it just keeps getting bigger.

Listen to what I have to say and agree and feel sympathy and tell me how wonderful I am. Scratch, scratch.

All of this righteous indignation. It feels so good for the moment, but all the while you're bleeding. Festering. I don't want to go into too much detail but lets just say there is bacteria involved.

That small mosquito bite turns into a huge disgusting sore. Ugh I hate the word sore, ick.  Don't get me wrong. That mosquito was totally wrong for biting you. It's no fun. Scratch, scratch.

Anyone else know what I'm talking about? Or am I the only one with huge mellow-drama and a bad attitude? I probably am (oh wait am I now being dramatic about my drama??)

Why do we fight it? Why do we push Him away in times like this?

One word. Sacrifice.

Because you already know there is going to be a measure of sacrifice, of surrender. You're going to have to give something up. That temporary gratification of knowing your right and having everyone agree with you and having your ego and pride all puffed up, it can feel so good for just a second. It feels good until you hang up. And then you're alone. With just Him. And the Holy Spirit. And They are working on your heart so hard core. And you know, no matter how justified you are, you can't hold onto it.

Just let go....

You know you should. Let go of that hurt, of that injustice, of that pain, of that excuse, of that justification...of that unforgiveness. I cringe at the word.

Surrender.

Let go of that power and pride and self-ness. Is it really what you want?

You're mine.

You're better then that. You are called to a higher standard. There's a beautiful story, a wonderful ending and that stuff is not worth it. Not even for a day. Not even for an hour. Not even for one phone call just to feel right.

Because your not. Not really. Not if you love Him. It's not about being right or wrong. It's all about love. Sounds cheesy I know. If you're in Him and in His love how can you walk out anything that's not love? How can you possibly feel right about anything when you are really nothing?

Isn't it beautiful that He doesn't let us stay there? In Nothing land?

Come to Me all you who are weary. Come to Me all you brokenhearted and heavy laden. I'm here in that darkness. I'm hear with you. Let Me carry that for you. Let Me be everything to you. Drink from this Cup and you will never thirst again.


 

The Gift of Forgiveness

One afternoon, shortly after my second was born, I was resting in my room while my husband was working on some video editing for our church. He was working on the praise and worship service from the previous Sunday led by Chris Stewart. As I lay there resting, the music came to me. It drifted down the hall and into my room. the sweetest feeling overwhelmed me, covered me. It was like someone was literally handing me a gift and in my mind I saw myself opening that gift.

The gift that I received was that I could give up the unforgiveness in my heart. It was like a garment of forgiveness that I could put on. I felt a complete release of emotion. No anger. No...anything. I wasn't overwhelmed with love but I felt forgiveness for this person. It's been that way ever since. I really believe that it was a gift from Father God. How else can I explain it? One day I despised this person who had hurt and wounded me, who had perpetrated a great injustice towards me. The next minute I felt complete and total forgiveness. It was a miracle, a download from heaven. It's like He became this little handyman and crawled inside my heart, started ripping out bad parts and replacing them with new ones. Like that *snap* it was done. No effort on my part. I underwent heart surgery.

There have been many other things and people that I've needed to forgive since then and unfortunately it hasn't been as easy. The point is, the beauty is, Father knows best. He knows exactly what we need, when we need it. He knows if it's too big to do on our own. It would have been too big for me, letting go of that bitterness. But He met me, right where I was. It mattered to God that I wasn't walking in forgiveness. It hindered my walk with Him. And that mattered. It's beautiful, this love He has for us.

 
I started writing this blog months ago. I just didn't feel like it was the right time to talk about it. Forgiveness is such a tricky thing to talk about it. People have experienced truly despicable hurts and pain. Holding on to those hurts, reliving that same situation and burning again with anger seems like the only way to make the pain ease. How do I explain that it's better to forgive. But the truth is He can heal the wound all together.  Not that we ignore it or pretend like it didn't happen. It just doesn't matter any more. That's a hard thing to tell people when they are going through it. If someone would have come up to me and told me that I just needed to walk in forgiveness to this person and the pain would just disappear I would have had a hard time not slapping them in the face. But remember He's all about doing what feels like the opposite thing you should do. It's the inside, upside down Kingdom where you loose to gain. Where being with Him is all that matters. In His presence all those empty spaces are filled.

I've also had a hard time blogging because of this season. Everything I start to type just sounds cheesy or overdone. So as lame as it sounds, a gift you might want to consider giving to someone, or even yourself is the gift of forgiveness, one of the greatest things you can do right now in this, the season of giving. I wouldn't even think to type such a thing if I hadn't myself already experienced the precious gift. And if it feels too big, or too hard, all you have to do is want, to want it. It's ok not to want to forgive someone. Just want Him and He'll give you exactly what you need. There is always enough grace and strength for you, and more love then you can ever imagine.

God of Elijah

Yesterday we read about the God of Elijah in our Jesse Tree Advent book. The Scripture reading comes out of 1 Kings 18:17-39. It may seem long but please read it with me today. It's one of my absolute favorite stories in the Bible and is well worth your time. AND/or you can listen to one of my most favorite songs of all time. I posted the link below the Scripture.

¹⁷ When Ahab saw Elijah, Ahab said to him, “Is this you, you troubler of Israel?” ¹⁸ He said, “I have not troubled Israel, but you and your father’s house have, because you have forsaken the commandments of the LORD and you have followed the Baals. ¹⁹ Now then send and gather to me all Israel at Mount Carmel, together with 450 prophets of Baal and 400 prophets of the Asherah, who eat at Jezebel’s table.”
 ²⁰ So Ahab sent a message among all the sons of Israel and brought the prophets together at Mount Carmel. ²¹ Elijah came near to all the people and said, “How long will you hesitate between two opinions? If the LORD is God, follow Him; but if Baal, follow him.” But the people did not answer him a word. ²² Then Elijah said to the people, “I alone am left a prophet of the LORD, but Baal’s prophets are 450 men. ²³ Now let them give us two oxen; and let them choose one ox for themselves and cut it up, and place it on the wood, but put no fire under it; and I will prepare the other ox and lay it on the wood, and I will not put a fire under it. ²⁴ Then you call on the name of your god, and I will call on the name of the LORD, and the God who answers by fire, He is God.” And all the people said, “That is a good idea.”  ²⁵ So Elijah said to the prophets of Baal, “Choose one ox for yourselves and prepare it first for you are many, and call on the name of your god, but put no fire under it.” ²⁶ Then they took the ox which was given them and they prepared it and called on the name of Baal from morning until noon saying, “O Baal, answer us.” But there was no voice and no one answered. And they leaped about the altar which they made. ²⁷ It came about at noon, that Elijah mocked them and said, “Call out with a loud voice, for he is a god; either he is occupied or gone aside, or is on a journey, or perhaps he is asleep and needs to be awakened.” ²⁸ So they cried with a loud voice and cut themselves according to their custom with swords and lances until the blood gushed out on them. ²⁹ When midday was past, they raved until the time of the offering of the evening sacrifice; but there was no voice, no one answered, and no one paid attention.
 ³⁰ Then Elijah said to all the people, “Come near to me.” So all the people came near to him. And he repaired the altar of the LORD which had been torn down. ³¹ Elijah took twelve stones according to the number of the tribes of the sons of Jacob, to whom the word of the LORD had come, saying, “Israel shall be your name.” ³² So with the stones he built an altar in the name of the LORD, and he made a trench around the altar, large enough to hold two measures of seed. ³³ Then he arranged the wood and cut the ox in pieces and laid it on the wood. ³⁴ And he said, “Fill four pitchers with water and pour it on the burnt offering and on the wood.” And he said, “Do it a second time,” and they did it a second time. And he said, “Do it a third time,” and they did it a third time. ³⁵ The water flowed around the altar and he also filled the trench with water
³⁶ At the time of the offering of the evening sacrifice, Elijah the prophet came near and said, “O LORD, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Israel, today let it be known that You are God in Israel and that I am Your servant and I have done all these things at Your word. ³⁷ Answer me, O LORD, answer me, that this people may know that You, O LORD, are God, and that You have turned their heart back again.” ³⁸ Then the fire of the LORD fell and consumed the burnt offering and the wood and the stones and the dust, and licked up the water that was in the trench. ³⁹ When all the people saw it, they fell on their faces; and they said, “The LORD, He is God; the LORD, He is God.”

I really love this story for a couple of reasons, actually a lot of reasons but I'll only give you a few. First it's totally epic right? I would love to see it play out on a big screen. I love that Elijah is just a man. He's just this guy that the Lord spoke to and who chose to listen. He had regular human issues. He had plenty of self doubt but when it came down to business he was so hard core. I think that Elijah must of had a thing about fire, after all wasn't it he that rode away in a chariot of flame off to heaven?

I love that this story shows the awesomeness of God. God. Is. Dramatic. If you have a problem with people who are dramatic you may want to familiarize yourself with a bit of the Old Testament because we serve an over-the-top God.

It seems that God loves to use just regular people who are seemingly all alone. Elijah, Moses, Noah, Jesus, all these men were utterly alone, everyone had turned against them, mocked them even. But they all had these huge, epic experiences. Elijah called fire down from heaven. Moses stood knee deep in the water and parted the see with nothing but his faith and his staff. Noah built that ark all the while being mocked and laughed at. In all those stories God showed up and He showed off. Part the sea?? Flood the entire earth?? Send fire from heaven? I could go on and on. King Hezekiah stood at the wall of his city and looked around at the hundreds of thousands of enemy soldiers that God had destroyed in one night without the help of one single human.

Jesus.

The most epic and incredible story ever. God, Himself born on this earth, grew to be just a man. Then He gave Himself for me, while I denied Him and His love. This is real life. This happened. It's not just a story.

Do you believe it? Because if you do, you have to believe that one day something similar to this story of Elijah will happen again. He, the Lord God of Abraham, Isaac and Israel is going to show up again, in a powerful and consuming way and on that day, every knee will bow and everyone will say "The LORD, He is God; the LORD, He is God!" OH I CAN'T HARDLY WAIT!

For The Joy Set Before Us

Perspective. It changes everything. 

The word is really weighted isn't it? It means so many different things to me. When my daughter refuses to eat her dinner, I give her perspective. I tell her about all the starving children in the world.

When I start to have a bad attitude or complain about something I gain perspective when I remember I have hot water any time I want it and what a luxury that is.

When I feel proud about something in a less then healthy way I can spend five seconds in worship and gain some perspective. For truly I am nothing.

When I feel at the end of myself as a mom, that I just can not change even one more diaper, I can remember that eventually one day my children will be potty trained. For some moms with children who have disabilities they can not say that.

Perspective.

When life seems hopeless....

In my desperation and my lack of perspective He covers me with His love. When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory and I realize how beautiful His love is. It all fades and time stands still and I remember my race. I remember the path marked out for me.

And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³ Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. (Hebrews 12:1-3 NIV)

Time. Eternity. Perspective

I look down my telescope, through the tunnel of life and out to the other side.

I fix my eyes on Jesus. I see the prize.

¹² Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. ¹³ Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. ¹⁵ Let us therefore, as many as are perfect, have this attitude; and if in anything you have a different attitude, God will reveal that also to you (Philippians 3:13-15 NASB)

Maybe it's partly the weather, I always get a bit crabby this time of year. The dull gray of daily life. I do not like the cold. I do not like the snow. I do not like the need for heat or electric blankets. I do not particularly enjoy the holiday season all that much. I especially do not like having rowdy children full of energy bouncing off the walls of my house with nowhere to go. I do not like green eggs and ham.

But I recently had the great pleasure of experiencing a divine attitude adjustment. Just as it says in verse 15 above, something in me was revealed. It was ugly. But praise Him for His grace. It is His mercy that exposed my wretchedness and forgave me. I can see clearly, at least for now, the joy that is set before me. Even though all around me is death and cold, and though I can not see it, still my heart believes that there is life. It is just below the surface. It is welling up and I know, will soon burst onto the scene. Take heart, oh my soul. Be glad and rejoice! Do you see it? Do you see the prize? What perspective! Joy to the world! He is coming!

The Flesh Dog is Dead

Recently I was asked to recall all the areas of God's faithfulness to me. Like you, I'm sure, many things came to mind. I felt it necessary to blog about one thing in particular, this is mostly for my benefit but I hope it helps someone else recall His faithfulness too.

About 7 years ago (really 7 years?!!) I attended Domata School of Missions in Tulsa at Mark Brazee's World Outreach Church. During one lesson the speaker was talking a bit about his wife and her testimony. He said as a young adult she believed what she was told, that she had a "spirit dog" and a "flesh dog" and that whichever dog she fed the most, ie: reading the Bible/watching TV, going to church/going to a wordly party, would win when it came time for them to battle. Consequently, she lived a life always trying to "feed" her spirit dog but invetibly when she would fail she would feel worthless, condemned and unloved. No matter how hard she tried she would always end up doing the wrong things until finally she quit trying.

Then the speaker read from Romans 8:
⁹ However, you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. But if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Him. ¹⁰ If Christ is in you, though the body is dead because of sin, yet the spirit is alive because of righteousness. ¹¹ But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you. 

And Galatians 2:
²⁰ I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me. 

I don't know what happened to me in that moment but it was like I was brought to life. I'm sure most of you have heard the "spirit dog, flesh dog" story. I know there is a measure of truth to it. But when you live your life like I did, weighing every action, hoping your good deeds are enough that when you come to a cross roads the "spirit dog" in you will win out, it's all about works and worthiness and condemnation. I was set free as I listened to the speaker tell about his wife.

She learned that there is no great battle within herself. The flesh is dead. The Spirit is a live. We were crucified with Him, dead, buried, and we rose with Him and are now seated with Him. We didn't deserve it. Nothing we could ever do could make us worthy of what He's given us. Through Christ we were made righteous and because of that we are worthy. I'm worthy of this Spiritfilled life. I don't have to live in condemnation every time I fail. I'm washed in forgiveness.

When I think of the transformation that happened in me that day. It reminds me that I have a faithful God. 1 Corinthians 15:3 says that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures. He laid out His plan in the Scriptures long before Jesus was ever born. It happened just like He said it would because He is faithful.

A few years ago (less then 7) I was at a women's retreat and in a small group one of the ladies spoke up. She shared that she had just learned that her salvation and relationship with the Lord had nothing to do with her worthiness. She had the same look on her face that I know I did when I discovered this truth. She said "He just loves me. I don't have to do anything. Out of that love I am moved to learn more about Him, to read His word and do those 'right' things."

There is no battle. If you've accepted Christ as your Lord and His Spirit is in you, you are a live in Him. That flesh dog is dead. The life which we now live in the flesh we live by faith in the Son of God, who in love, not our good works, gave Himself up for us.

Oh He is faithful.

Re-Purposed

I love re-purposing clothes. I hack apart clothes that are too small, too worn, or too ugly and make them into something else. I'm getting better and better at it. This year I used my daughter's too small long sleeved shirts from last winter and added parts to her too small shirts from the summer and now she has several new long sleeved shirts that fit perfect. Today I took a pair of too big jeans and made them into skinny jeans and used the scrap material to sew a patch into my daughters jeans. It's super fun. I love taking something old and making it new. As I was working on these projects I couldn't help but wonder if God gets the same delight out of re-purposing our worn and damaged souls.

A while back we had a guest speaker at church, Floyd McClung. He said that he had often heard from people that they felt like because of all their past mistakes God couldn't use them anymore. He kind of chuckled as he said that that isn't how it works. There isn't this print out for each person when their born with "The Plan" written on it. In fact, if there was one, then when someone made a wrong turn a new Plan would print out for them. That simple. I've often thought about that sermon. It meant a lot to me because I had felt that way. You know it didn't really click until today. I was ripping out seams and cutting out access fabric and I couldn't help but chuckle like Floyd. Does your heart look as worn and torn as my sons grass stained jeans? Don't fret, Father can still use you. He has made a way. It may involve some scrubbing, some trimming, maybe even some ripping of seams, but He's not finished with you. Maybe you feel like I once did, like there were just too many holes in your heart to ever be repaired. Let Him work on you. He'll turn your heart into a beautiful masterpiece. He already sees the finished result when He looks at you. There are still many, many amazing things God can do through you and by you. He doesn't ever throw us out or give up on a wretched piece of material. What good news! He's the Master Tailor. He looks at us and knows exactly what to do to make us new and beautiful again. He can re-purpose us just like the old pillowcase that is now a sleeping gown for my daughter. With the added lace for sleeves the worn fabric is perfect for a soft night gown. Let the Father trim you in love and peace. Think of all those you can comfort when He's finished with you.

Some Perspective

So before I say anything I have to tell you about a beautiful miracle. My computer is saved! Haha ok so my youngest son dumped a full cup of water over my computer a few days ago. So much water that when I picked it up and turned it on it's side water poured out. Then I did the worst thing you could possibly do, so I read after the fact. I turned my computer on before it completely dried out. It came on and shut automatically off. I took it all apart and let it dry out a few days but had no hope of it ever working again. After everything I read about laptops and water damage I knew it would take a miracle for it to work again. Amazingly today when I put it all back together it came right on like nothing had ever happened. Yippee!!

Yep I'm thankful for a functioning computer. However I realize having a broken laptop is such an American problem. By that I mean, not only do I have a laptop, my husband has a desktop, we both have mini computers (aka smart phones) and our TV has some kind of thingamajig that allows you to access the internet. So despite being totally bummed about my soaking laptop I had a lot to be thankful for. But really I wasn't. Wasn't feeling one bit thankful. Want to know what else I was complaining about? I'll be real. I was really not happy about the fact that my house is still so far from having all the updates we want to make on it. I wasn't even feeling up to decorating for Christmas because there is still so much we'd like to do. I was really complaining. Poor me and my ugly wall papered house. So-And-So has a beautiful house and it's decorated so beautifully. My house is so ugly, my computer is broken, and I'm stuck changing diapers all day instead of being able to run around with friends, blah blah blah.... *sigh* Yep. I was really ungrateful. As if that wasn't bad enough, it gets worse. I had a really bad attitude about something else. My phone charger.

Apparently having a one year old slobber all over the end of your phone charger will make it incapable of charging your phone. After sharing my husbands charger the last few months I finally decided to look into buying another one. Since I'm the queen of Craigslist, of course I found one for only 2 bucks. I arrived at the correct meeting spot at the right time. The lady called me and said she was running late but that she just lived down the street and I could come get it. Of course I've heard all the horror stories about meeting people online. I was already meeting this lady in a rougher part of town so going to her house could have been cause for concern. After checking with the Spirit I felt a peace about going. Of course I grumbled and complained the whole way. I drove the short distance to her street and pulled into the "neighborhood." Wow. Reality check. The houses there were a forth the size of mine (and mine is not big by most standards). The neighborhood was completely trashed out and the cars were all barely holding together. I pulled up the house that looked exactly like every other and got out. I actually went through the thought process of deciding to leave my wallet and purse in the car because if I was going to be robbed I'd rather my car be broken into then have it taken from me. I walked up to the maybe 800 square foot house. Two men walked out. Both fellows were friendly enough. Again I felt remarkable unafraid and at peace. The lady came to the door and I got a glimpse inside. The place was completely trashed out but to be honest it didn't look much worse then on a day my house has been completely torn apart by 4 small children. She gave me the charger and I gave her the cash. She told me she liked my hair and to excuse the messy house. I told her thanks, and to have a nice day. I walked back to my car and drove a way. It felt weird. I felt...thankful. I felt humbled. Who do I think I am? There will always be people out there more fortunate them me. But what right do I have to complain about? I've been given so much. Not just material things that don't matter anyway, but I'm loved. I'm forgiven. I have joy and peace. My life is redeemed.

You know the cool thing about this whole experience? No judgement. For someone who constantly battles judging and criticizing others I had no judgement at all for anyone. I know I'm not better then anyone living in that neighborhood or that part of town. God loves them as much as He does me. Honestly it wasn't so long ago that I moved out of a similar neighborhood.

I'm thankful God allowed me that experience. I'm thankful for some perspective. No matter how bad your circumstance, if you know Jesus, you have something to be thankful for. I love that we can bring our stuff to the Father. I love that I can cry out to Him as much as I want and that if I surrender it to Him, He'll take care of it. He does that by giving perspective, by blessing or discipline but best of all He does it all in love. I'm so thankful.

Kingdom and a Quarter

I read a book by Brother Andrew years ago. His books are awesome, highly recommend them. He wrote about an experience that really stood out to me. I've thought about it often. He said at one point while he was in Bible school he had run out of razors and basic toiletry necessities. He wasn't working and was living off supporters. He hadn't received any money in quite some time. He talked about his struggle with faith and believing that God would meet his needs. He finally got the idea that if he just started walking around maybe he would find some money on the ground. Perhaps that was how the Lord would meet his need. So he goes out and starts walking. He walked all day long, looking in the gutter of the most busy streets hoping to find some money. Eventually it dawned on him that perhaps this wasn't the best idea he ever had. He then shared what the Lord revealed to him about the Kingdom. He called it "the Kingdom Way." The Kingdom Way was not looking in the gutter, sifting through trash, for what he needed. So he repents and goes back to his dorm. All the way back he talks to the Father about his needs and just is honest with the Lord, completely vulnerable with Him and Brother Andrew says he experienced an intimacy that he had never before had. When he got back to his dorm an envelope was waiting for him with enough money to cover all his expenses.

I've often had to ask myself, "Is this the Kingdom Way?" In God's Kingdom He never has to compromise His standards to meet my need. Why should I? Have you ever found yourself doing something that just isn't the Kingdom Way to meet your need yourself?

A while back I was going into a local grocery store where you have to use a quarter to get a shopping cart. You get your quarter back when you are finished with the cart and have put it away. I realized that I did not have a quarter. I also realized that not only did I have no change, I only had a $20 bill and my debit card. I really didn't want to go in and cash my 20 just to get a quarter so I asked a lady who was returning her cart if I could have her cart. She looked at my like I had grown a second head. It was totally awkward. So I went in the store, cashed my $20, and got my cart. All the while I was shopping I was really gripping about this chick. Good grief it's just a quarter. I wasn't trying to steal your purse for crying out loud. Sheesh. I finished shopping, got my groceries loaded up, and as I went to return my cart a gentlemen approached me and asked if I'd like him to return my cart. I thought how nice that was. Finally a kind person. I told him thank you and expected him to hand me a quarter. He didn't. He just walked away with my cart and my quarter! Can you believe that?! I couldn't believe it. He stole my quarter! *sigh* Then it dawned on me. I heard my voice in my head griping at that lady, "It's just a quarter!" Ok Lord, I get it. This is not the Kingdom Way.

Ever since then if there is no one around I can give my cart to I just leave my quarter in the cart for the next person to have. I've actually chased down a couple of ladies to give them my cart before they have a chance to dig through their purse for a quarter. It's quite humbling but there have been a few times I've seen people who, like me, didn't have a quarter. It's so cool to just walk up with my cart and not expect anything in return. On the other hand, it's always a little hard when there is no one around to appreciate my sacrifice. I always want to just keep my quarter.

Anyway, it's a small thing I know. But for me, I know I further the Kingdom even in this tiny thing. What are you doing to further the Kingdom? I'd love to hear it. Big or small, it matters to God.

Robe of Righteousness

*You may want to watch this with out your children in the room. This is a poem by Jeffereson Bethke. He writes this about it:

A poem I originally wrote for open mic at Pacific University. The poem highlights our culture's blind obedience to sexual norms, when it only seems to reap destruction. Pleasure is more at our fingertips in America than ever before, and yet depression steadily rises every year. It only shows that sex as recreation, or just for fun, is unable to satisfy us the way we were meant to be satisfied. Sex is good, in it's proper context. This poem mainly focuses though on anyone who has been deeply affected, hurt, and damaged by sexual sin. Forgiveness and mercy are given freely by Jesus. He cleans, restores, and heals us beyond measure and asks nothing in return. He saw all our sin and filth before he went to the cross and it was still his joy to go get us.

I found this really, really thought provoking and had to share.

I love at the end of the video where he talks about receiving the robe of Jesus.

This morning I was actually thinking about that, about how in scripture the metaphor used a lot for giving and receiving forgiveness is new clothes, new robes, being "clothed in righteousness." I thought about it this morning as I was trying to dress my very active toddler. He loves being naked, which is really kind of cute, but with it getting colder he just can't go around in his diaper any more. So in a great battle almost to the death, I get him dressed. I ignore his screeching because I know what's best. In this house I don't care if you're not cold, if it's less then 60 degrees you have to wear socks.

Anyway, I was wondering how many times I've screeched at the Lord, kicking and screaming, refusing to be clothed in righteousness, refusing His love, and forgiveness. One of the reasons my son gets so upset is because he sees his siblings running and playing and he just wants to get down off the changing table and play too, "screw the pants mom," he seems to say. How many times have I thought it unfair that God seems to only be "picking on me?" Like it's a bad thing to be the object of His attention and affection. He's standing there with a beautiful new brilliant white dress. He isn't going to force me into it. Why do we refuse so often the things He has for us?
It's like what this guy says. "He heals us from those sins that totally infect us. He does what condoms can't, He emotionally protects us."  In this video he talks about the woman in John 8. She looks up in the eyes of Jesus and stares into the grace she finds there.
I think what he says at the end is worth repeating. "Think twice about what society feeds us. Come follow the King. His name is Jesus."

Isaiah 61:10 NASB
I will rejoice greatly in the LORD,
My soul will exult in my God;
For He has clothed me with garments of salvation,
He has wrapped me with a robe of righteousness,
As a bridegroom decks himself with a garland,
And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. 

This Love

I'm compelled once again to write about this great love that I feel. His love for me. This love I have for Him. It wells up on the inside and is stronger then any other emotion. The love I have for Him is deeper then any pain.

I will say, even in this brokenness, even in this loneliness, I will say because of this love I have joy. I am peace. I live in opposite land. Where even when I'm afraid I trust Him. When I'm weak I'm at my strongest and most capable because of what He does in me. Even when I'm overcome my desire for Him is stronger and higher and worth more then anything else. My passion for Him comes from Him.

In this dry and barren land I will sing. I will dance before Him with a heart wholly devoted to Him. I will dance to the song He sings over me. His delight shines on me. The radiance of His smile warms my face. He is the light that leads me to a place of rest.

I'm overwhelmed with hope. A tide of purpose washes over me. I praise Him and I thank Him and rejoice in all that He's done in me. He has called me out of the darkness with one breath. Look how far I've come. For His glory and His delight I will never go back.

Can you take a moment and let Him pull you in? Can you sit, just for a moment and listen to His heartbeat. I want to shake you and scream at you and tell you He's worth it. Don't you know what He can do? Have you seen the sun rise? Do you not see how He holds this world together? Do you not see the love that He has for you just by the air that you breathe? Who are we to question Him, to doubt His love. Are we the clay that we say to the Potter, "You did not make me, You know nothing?" Are we equal to Him? He rides the clouds and causes the mountains to shake. He formed me out of dust and could wipe all man kind out with the flick of His wrist. Yet He looks at me. He sees me. He's called me by name. His face shines down on me and who am I to question why? I don't care why. I'm just so thankful. He's made me His daughter. He wants You. Don't you see? Do you think you are here by chance? Or even reading this by chance? Is this life all there is? How can that be? How can it all be chance and mean nothing?

Let me wake up every day with a song of praise on my lips. I've known bondage. I've known darkness and depravity. I've known despair and pain. I've known fear. I've known depression.

He made me free. How can I sit still? How can I keep quiet? How can you? Do you know you are the reason why He made a way? Do you know you are the reason He gave it all? You belong to Him. When He saw He would lose you He cried out! In His love and mercy He made a way. I will sing of this great love.

His Mercy Says No

Last night I had an interesting thought before bed. I had a picture in my mind of sitting at a nice table and someone bringing me my food. It was a covered plate. They set the plate in front of me and pulled the lid of. When they did hundreds of roaches ran off the plate. I jumped back for a second and then after they had all gone I said "It's ok they're all gone now, looks good." And I ate. (blech) I asked the Lord what that was all about but it seemed like I already knew. The plate of food represented the world and all it has to offer out side of God. And I ate it.

I feel like what we should know is this. God tells us "No" sometimes for our own good, not because He's mean and He doesn't want us to have those things. He just knows they are covered in roaches.

Have you ever had a hard time with certain "rules" of the "christian" faith? Why can't I watch that movie? Why can't I get into the newest TV series? Why can't I read that book? What's wrong with having a few more cookies? Why shouldn't I go to a bar with some of my single "unchristian" friends? Why can't I call my friends up with news about someone else? What's wrong with sleeping in Sunday mornings?

It's in His loving kindness that He shouts out "NO!" just before you take that bite. Why do we think we are entitled sometimes to do what ever we want? Why are we defensive and tell ourselves that we deserve it? Everything the enemy has to offer, even if it's on a silver platter, is a counterfeit to what the Father has offered you.

Next time you get that nudge on the inside that what you are doing or going to do may not be right, don't get defensive. Think about that plate of roaches. I know I'm going to. He knows it's not really good for you. Listen. Thank Him for His mercy that says "No" to things that can hurt us.

1 Timothy 1 NASB
¹² I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has strengthened me, because He considered me faithful, putting me into service, ¹³ even though I was formerly a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent aggressor. Yet I was shown mercy because I acted ignorantly in unbelief; ¹⁴ and the grace of our Lord was more than abundant, with the faith and love which are found in Christ Jesus. ¹⁵ It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all. ¹⁶ Yet for this reason I found mercy, so that in me as the foremost, Jesus Christ might demonstrate His perfect patience as an example for those who would believe in Him for eternal life. ¹⁷ Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen.