Robe of Righteousness

*You may want to watch this with out your children in the room. This is a poem by Jeffereson Bethke. He writes this about it:

A poem I originally wrote for open mic at Pacific University. The poem highlights our culture's blind obedience to sexual norms, when it only seems to reap destruction. Pleasure is more at our fingertips in America than ever before, and yet depression steadily rises every year. It only shows that sex as recreation, or just for fun, is unable to satisfy us the way we were meant to be satisfied. Sex is good, in it's proper context. This poem mainly focuses though on anyone who has been deeply affected, hurt, and damaged by sexual sin. Forgiveness and mercy are given freely by Jesus. He cleans, restores, and heals us beyond measure and asks nothing in return. He saw all our sin and filth before he went to the cross and it was still his joy to go get us.

I found this really, really thought provoking and had to share.

I love at the end of the video where he talks about receiving the robe of Jesus.

This morning I was actually thinking about that, about how in scripture the metaphor used a lot for giving and receiving forgiveness is new clothes, new robes, being "clothed in righteousness." I thought about it this morning as I was trying to dress my very active toddler. He loves being naked, which is really kind of cute, but with it getting colder he just can't go around in his diaper any more. So in a great battle almost to the death, I get him dressed. I ignore his screeching because I know what's best. In this house I don't care if you're not cold, if it's less then 60 degrees you have to wear socks.

Anyway, I was wondering how many times I've screeched at the Lord, kicking and screaming, refusing to be clothed in righteousness, refusing His love, and forgiveness. One of the reasons my son gets so upset is because he sees his siblings running and playing and he just wants to get down off the changing table and play too, "screw the pants mom," he seems to say. How many times have I thought it unfair that God seems to only be "picking on me?" Like it's a bad thing to be the object of His attention and affection. He's standing there with a beautiful new brilliant white dress. He isn't going to force me into it. Why do we refuse so often the things He has for us?
It's like what this guy says. "He heals us from those sins that totally infect us. He does what condoms can't, He emotionally protects us."  In this video he talks about the woman in John 8. She looks up in the eyes of Jesus and stares into the grace she finds there.
I think what he says at the end is worth repeating. "Think twice about what society feeds us. Come follow the King. His name is Jesus."

Isaiah 61:10 NASB
I will rejoice greatly in the LORD,
My soul will exult in my God;
For He has clothed me with garments of salvation,
He has wrapped me with a robe of righteousness,
As a bridegroom decks himself with a garland,
And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. 

This Love

I'm compelled once again to write about this great love that I feel. His love for me. This love I have for Him. It wells up on the inside and is stronger then any other emotion. The love I have for Him is deeper then any pain.

I will say, even in this brokenness, even in this loneliness, I will say because of this love I have joy. I am peace. I live in opposite land. Where even when I'm afraid I trust Him. When I'm weak I'm at my strongest and most capable because of what He does in me. Even when I'm overcome my desire for Him is stronger and higher and worth more then anything else. My passion for Him comes from Him.

In this dry and barren land I will sing. I will dance before Him with a heart wholly devoted to Him. I will dance to the song He sings over me. His delight shines on me. The radiance of His smile warms my face. He is the light that leads me to a place of rest.

I'm overwhelmed with hope. A tide of purpose washes over me. I praise Him and I thank Him and rejoice in all that He's done in me. He has called me out of the darkness with one breath. Look how far I've come. For His glory and His delight I will never go back.

Can you take a moment and let Him pull you in? Can you sit, just for a moment and listen to His heartbeat. I want to shake you and scream at you and tell you He's worth it. Don't you know what He can do? Have you seen the sun rise? Do you not see how He holds this world together? Do you not see the love that He has for you just by the air that you breathe? Who are we to question Him, to doubt His love. Are we the clay that we say to the Potter, "You did not make me, You know nothing?" Are we equal to Him? He rides the clouds and causes the mountains to shake. He formed me out of dust and could wipe all man kind out with the flick of His wrist. Yet He looks at me. He sees me. He's called me by name. His face shines down on me and who am I to question why? I don't care why. I'm just so thankful. He's made me His daughter. He wants You. Don't you see? Do you think you are here by chance? Or even reading this by chance? Is this life all there is? How can that be? How can it all be chance and mean nothing?

Let me wake up every day with a song of praise on my lips. I've known bondage. I've known darkness and depravity. I've known despair and pain. I've known fear. I've known depression.

He made me free. How can I sit still? How can I keep quiet? How can you? Do you know you are the reason why He made a way? Do you know you are the reason He gave it all? You belong to Him. When He saw He would lose you He cried out! In His love and mercy He made a way. I will sing of this great love.

His Mercy Says No

Last night I had an interesting thought before bed. I had a picture in my mind of sitting at a nice table and someone bringing me my food. It was a covered plate. They set the plate in front of me and pulled the lid of. When they did hundreds of roaches ran off the plate. I jumped back for a second and then after they had all gone I said "It's ok they're all gone now, looks good." And I ate. (blech) I asked the Lord what that was all about but it seemed like I already knew. The plate of food represented the world and all it has to offer out side of God. And I ate it.

I feel like what we should know is this. God tells us "No" sometimes for our own good, not because He's mean and He doesn't want us to have those things. He just knows they are covered in roaches.

Have you ever had a hard time with certain "rules" of the "christian" faith? Why can't I watch that movie? Why can't I get into the newest TV series? Why can't I read that book? What's wrong with having a few more cookies? Why shouldn't I go to a bar with some of my single "unchristian" friends? Why can't I call my friends up with news about someone else? What's wrong with sleeping in Sunday mornings?

It's in His loving kindness that He shouts out "NO!" just before you take that bite. Why do we think we are entitled sometimes to do what ever we want? Why are we defensive and tell ourselves that we deserve it? Everything the enemy has to offer, even if it's on a silver platter, is a counterfeit to what the Father has offered you.

Next time you get that nudge on the inside that what you are doing or going to do may not be right, don't get defensive. Think about that plate of roaches. I know I'm going to. He knows it's not really good for you. Listen. Thank Him for His mercy that says "No" to things that can hurt us.

1 Timothy 1 NASB
¹² I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has strengthened me, because He considered me faithful, putting me into service, ¹³ even though I was formerly a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent aggressor. Yet I was shown mercy because I acted ignorantly in unbelief; ¹⁴ and the grace of our Lord was more than abundant, with the faith and love which are found in Christ Jesus. ¹⁵ It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all. ¹⁶ Yet for this reason I found mercy, so that in me as the foremost, Jesus Christ might demonstrate His perfect patience as an example for those who would believe in Him for eternal life. ¹⁷ Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen. 

He's So Worthy

I love hearing my friends say, "Hey, you need to blog about that!" This particular time we were talking about how awesome it is we don't have the same religious thoughts we did when we were younger. We shared about how we used to think God kept a running tally of our mistakes. That if we had a bad day, a flat tire, a cold, or locked ourselves out of the house, it was because we had been bad and we deserved it. I never really thought God was sitting at the edge of His throne with a thunder bolt waiting to strike like some do. I did believe He couldn't love me if I did wrong.

This is going to sound strange to some, I'm sure, but bare with me. I think part of my problem boiled down to pride. My sin made me feel bad on the inside. It separated me from Him but instead of humbling myself and surrendering it to Him, which, in my mind would take way too much effort, I told myself I wasn't worthy to be in His presence. I wasn't good enough to lift my hands in praise. The other part was that I truly didn't believe He could love me.

I'll never forget during a praise and worship service Him speaking so clearly to my heart that no matter what, He was always worthy. He is. No matter how horribly sinful I've been it doesn't change the fact that He's the creator of the universe and sacrificed it all for me. He's worthy. He's always worthy of my praise. Even when I blame Him for the hurt or pain I feel. He's worthy. Even when I don't understand or agree with His ways. He's worthy. The truth is, it's not really about me. Shocker I know. My circumstances don't change Him. We could flip this all around and also say none of my efforts make me any more deserving of His love either. He doesn't change.

Looking back now I can't believe I ever felt this way but I know so many people still do. Whether you hang back outside of true relationship with Him because you are angry with Him or because you think you are unworthy, I'm talking to you when I say He. Is. Worthy. Always. Sometimes it can be so hard to just let go of all of our thoughts but when you put them in His perspective whatever it is that holds you back is nothing compared to what He thinks of you. Anger, shame, pride, or pain are no excuse to withhold from Him. It's not about you or me. Every breath we take is a gift. Every day we live is evidence in His hope for us. Hope that tomorrow we'll trust Him more, hope that we'll surrender more, hope that He'll be able to love us in ways we never would allow before.

Romans 11 MSG


^33-36Have you ever come on anything quite like this extravagant generosity of God, this deep, deep wisdom? It's way over our heads. We'll never figure it out.

   Is there anyone around who can explain God?
   Anyone smart enough to tell him what to do?
   Anyone who has done him such a huge favor
      that God has to ask his advice?

   Everything comes from him;
   Everything happens through him;
   Everything ends up in him.
   Always glory! Always praise!
      Yes. Yes. Yes.  

So whatever it is, that thing that keeps you from His presence Sunday morning during praise and worship or from talking to Him throughout the week, it's worth is nothing compared to His. He's so worthy.

Sharing Secrets

Have you ever known about something before anyone else? Like perhaps your best friend finds out she's pregnant and she tells you before anyone. (Before ya'll start freaking out Jessica is not pregnant, just an example.) Did you have that rush of excitement? Did you experience the joy of being the favorite confidant? I was recently in on a flash mob our church did for our pastor. Me and 3 other women helped come up with the idea and were involved in planning it. It was so fun seeing it all come about but knowing I got to help behind the scenes was the best part!

I recently started worrying about something totally irrational and am even too embarrassed to say what it was. Before I told anyone (which is my natural inclination) I took it to my Father. His response? I felt like I was in elementary school whispering secrets to my best friend. Does God giggle like a little school girl? Some of you may bulk at the thought but it kinda felt like it! He LOVES it when we come to Him FIRST. I've always heard that but last night I definitely experienced it. He always likes it when we come to Him and when we talk to Him but when we bring our problems to Him to fix before calling all our friends, taking it to your pastor for prayer or whatever it is we tend to do, He loves it. And you know what? He fixed it. Instantly. I no longer worried about the problem. Have you ever had a small child come to you with a "bwoken" toy for you to fix? It's so fun to be able to just flip it to "on" and see their faces light up like you can do anything in the world. It's a joy to experience. I think that it's like that for Him. He loves to fix our problems and He loves it when we come to Him first. He whispers His reassurances in your ear and you never have to worry about Him telling your secrets. I know some things can't be fixed instantly for our own good, but sometimes our problems really aren't as big of a deal as they seem. With the snap of His fingers He fixes it. He loves it when we trust Him and He honors that trust.

Oh the joy of relationship! Life with God doesn't have to be one of rules and servitude. We serve Him and obey Him out of trust and love and we get to walk in relationship.

Like the Dawn

 We sang a song last night all about God's light shining forth, like the dawn. It reminded me of a Word that was given to me a little while back ago from Proverbs 4:18.

¹⁸ But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn,
That shines brighter and brighter until the full day.

How I wish I could wake up and be made complete in my salvation, free of the struggles of this life and desires of my human nature. But the path of righteousness is a slow, consistent one that grows brighter and brighter, like the dawn.

I cried out to Him last night.

Lord I so desperately want to humble myself, fall flat on my face before you in total, complete surrender. But there remains parts of me that stubbornly refuse. All I can do is cry out to You for help and forgiveness. Show me Your mercy. But in Your mercy and Your goodness brake me if that's what it takes. For it's in the desert that I sing and in my loneliness that I call on You. In my brokenness You are great and in my barrenness You reveal my need for You alone.

Doesn't God's Kingdom seem so backwards at times? In Jesus' ministry He came in and just turned the world upside down on the Jews. Take Matthew 5 for example.

 ³"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. 

 ⁴"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
 
⁵"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.

 ⁷"You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for.

I love the way this speaks. You are blessed when you're at the end of your rope, when you've lost what is most dear, when you're content with just who you are, when your care too much.

What?

Honestly, I don't want to be any of those things. Who wants to be at the end of their rope or to have lost what is most dear to them? But I think that that is key to this special blessing. I think for people who have been in that place of trying everything on their own and so tragically failing, they are blessed. When they are lying broken and bleeding the breaking light of dawn shines through and they find themselves in the splendor of His brilliance. Then you know you never could go back. Never. You find yourself in His embrace, proud owner of everything that can't be bought. It's the great mystery of His kingdom. He came in His mercy and died in my place. In His goodness and sovereign grace He sweeps me away and nothing else matters. Nothing. Not my children, or my husband, or my family, or my life. Hidden in Him I find the peace that overflows. Part of me shakes in fear at the thought of loosing those things but then He touches that place in my heart that beats only for Him I'm swept away again in His embrace. When hope and faith fail me He covers me in His love and nothing else matters.

Hoping for Hope

Have you ever audibly heard His voice? I had never. I've felt it. Felt it burn, like a brand, words on my heart. Felt it like a wind, whispered across my mind. I've seen His words in color but never had I heard them. Not until today.

Everlasting your light will shine when all else fades
Never-ending your glory goes beyond all fame


That's the line of a beautiful song we sang this morning. But what I heard was the word hope instead of the word light. "Everlasting, Your Hope will shine when all else fades..." The praise and worship leader did not sing it. I didn't say it. I wasn't even thinking it. I heard it. So clearly. "hope will shine..." I was so stunned and kind of disoriented that I didn't realize it at first. I turned around to see who could be standing so close that I would hear them singing that clearly. But I was sitting alone.


Your hope will shine when all else fades...

Then I started thinking about that. And the more I thought about it the bigger the idea became in my mind. Doesn't it seem like the more hopeless a situation is the more God expects us to hope, trust, and have faith in Him? It's like it's kind of the point. Like He says, "Yeah I made you weak on purpose." That kind of got me thinking about that scripture from Romans 5. (which is interesting because my pastor referenced the same verse...hmm wonder if God is trying to say something??)

  ¹ Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ² through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. ³ And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; ⁴ and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; ⁵ and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

 Note the word tribulation. When I think of that word I think about pretty much everything bad that could happen, happening.

Your hope will shine when all else fades....

When all else fades? When life is darkness and pitched in despair. When life has no meaning and all is bleak and hopeless. His hope will shine. Like a light. Like a beacon in a storm tossed night mare. Like the breaking light of dawn, not in the morning, but at midnight when the night is darkest.

And surviving isn't enough. He's working out perseverance in us and that proves our character. All those impurities within us get burned out in the fire and when it feels like nothing is left we finally get around to figuring out hope. Waking up, eating, working, sleeping, living, it's not enough! I've known women who have survived horrible experiences in life but He says that's not enough. Oh if we could just believe He's got it all figured out, that He has a plan and is perfectly capable of working it out for us!  

When we come out on the other end of proven character there's nothing to be disappointed about because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. I love that! I used to not get it. But now I see that hope is like a check written for the cost of your life. You don't have to worry about that check bouncing because it's backed with all the currency He has. Love. It's almost like the word hope is an oxymoron. It seems to imply that whatever you're "hoping" for could possibly not happen. But when your hope is in Him, it's a sure thing. No doubt about it and you know this with every fiber of your being.

He's still teaching me what His hope is all about and what it means for me to have hope. But I think I'm finally starting to get it. What about you?

Is Your House on the Rock?

My life used to be built on the passing sand. I made my decisions based on how I felt inside. My emotions and circumstances guided my actions from one moment to the next. I didn't know how to fight the fear that would come to my heart and mind. The enemy came and stole my joy and my peace. The fear was real, and its power could kill.


But now when my enemy is too strong for me, when I am afraid, I will trust in You. 

When I am overcome, I will call upon You. I will cling to You.

My Rock.


When my enemy surrounds me I will let go of my reasoning and fall upon the Rock.

I will love You, Lord
My Rock, my God, my Strength.
You are the precious Cornerstone.

My faith in You lifts the weight of pain from lonely days full of mistakes. Of hiding behind deep dark clouds of selfish pride. Your love goes deeper than the pain of this life. And when I  cannot see, my heart will believe. For Your love is greater. I feel it welling up inside and I am filled with joy inexpressible. All those years I was bound.

You have set me free.

And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock. Matthew 7:25

I think before you can know for sure if your on the Rock the rain has to fall and the floods have to come.


*This blog was inspired by a couple of songs from Laura Hackett, When I Feel Afraid and I Feel His Love.

Beautiful Mess

I'm not going to lie. I've been distracted. By what? Stupid stuff. Sleep, Facebook, housework, pretty much anything other then Him. It's totally bringing me down. Spiritually, emotionally, even physically. I know He's there. I know I'm not alone and I don't feel any tension necessarily, just feeling blah. I think a problem people tend to have is instant gratification. I'm such a spiritual junky and literally feel like I'm on a high (no Mom, I've never been "high" so I'm only guessing) after experiencing Him. But sometimes getting to a place of experiencing His presence takes some effort. Sometimes it calls for repentance, sacrifice, and surrender. Why would I go through all that trouble when I can get online and be flooded with instant gratification in this very abstract world? TV, movies, online games, even books feed this very spiritual side that I have but just like feeding my body a bunch of chemicals tricks my taste buds but starves my body, so it is with all this "stuff." It tricks my mind and senses but my spirit is starved for Him. I can be in the clouds with Him one day and feel far away the next. It's partly because I am still growing in those "grounding" qualities of Martha. I feel the void but some how can't get out of the daze. It's in these times that I have to suck it up and dive in. Push through until I find Him. I heard this song today by Danen Kane called Beautiful Mess. It describes this dilemma perfectly. Am I the only one who feels this way?

(I cut out the redundant parts for the sake of reading)
Everyday I wake to find You, everyday I fall apart
Just like a storm of good intention, like a stone that missed it’s mark
How can I know about Your beauty, all of the wonders You possess
And yet still rush to feed my senses, neglecting what is best
Everyday, everyday

I want to crawl across Your sky, I want to be romanticized
I want to feel Your breath whisper something softly in my ear

I want to step inside Your window, I want to dwell inside Your fire
Oh that Your voice would be my conscience, that Your wish was my desire
Echoes of angels on my shoulders, trying to find the peace of mind
I want to laugh, I want to cry, I want to quit wasting time
You gave me life, to live beyond the bleed

I want to live as though I’ve died, I want my soul to come alive
I want to taste Your love sweetly as the tears flow from your eyes

I know You’re mine, and you know that I am a slave to Your love
You celebrate the wage I am

Such a beautiful mess, 
Why don’t You take me over




So thankful that He doesn't give up on me.

Repost- Not Missing Out Afterall

I posted this blog a while back ago but I felt a very strong urge to read it and share it again. Hope it blesses someone today.

We have some really good friends who are missionaries in Costa Rica right now. They recently updated their blog and my heart is pulled in that direction. Let me give you a bit more of my back story.
I lived as a missionary for two years before I was married. I worked in places like Panama and the Philippines and I would be back in a red hot second if I could...or would I? I was praying about this very thing when I felt like God showed me a bit of my own heart. Ever had that happen? You think you know something about yourself and then BAM He shows you what you really look like.

I pictured myself back at that orphanage in the Philippines. I saw my self holding those babies that were crying out just to be held. Just to have a tiny bit of affection. I looked into those eyes, starving. Starving for nourishment, hungry for love. If I could do something for them I would but what I realized is, I wouldn't give up my life for them. I wouldn't give up my children for them. I wouldn't even give up my children's happiness or security for them. I used to think I would sell everything and leave everyone and go if He called me to. And perhaps I still would but it would be harder then I thought. I think that's ok. I didn't feel any sort of judgement from God only revelation. I've often felt discontent. Like there's more then just being a wife and mother and I'm stuck here up to my eyeballs in dirty diapers while the world needs saving. Yeah I write a nice little blog that I hope is encouraging and yeah more and more people read it every day and yeah my family is involved in church and our community and yes we do give money to missions but geez God NEEDS ME. I mean how can He possibly accomplish anything while I'm here and not...well anywhere but here? I've often felt a little bitter about this (can ya tell?). I've blamed my husband and GOD. I've also felt a little snobbish. Like yeah well I am a stay at home mom but I'm really called to more. But when I prayed for the billionth time about this to God He showed me that that's not really what I want after all. I really do love being a mom. I really do love staying home with my children. I even like homeschooling for crying out loud! Even if someone gave me a few thousand dollars today to go to that orphanage just to hold those babies I would really have think about it. Now when I see those children in my mind I see my own right beside them. I know there are families out there who live the missionary life and their children are apart of that. I think that's great and who knows? Maybe that could be my life one day but the point is. It's not really what I want. It's not really my desire. Not like before. I'd rather be here.

This is a very big deal for me. Huge. How many hours have I spent in despair, wrestling with feeling like I'm not fulfilling my "calling"? Sometimes I think we just get stuck with certain thoughts and feelings over something. I never even wanted children. I thought perhaps I would adopt a hundred of them but I never. EVER. wanted to give birth. Can you imagine?? No that just wasn't for me. If someone told me then that I'd have 3 children and a mini van by the time I turned 24 I would have laughed in their face. And then rebuked them in the name of Jesus! I had dreams. I had plans.

Maybe you are like me. Have you ever had a dream that didn't come true and you feel...well, bad about it? However that looks like for you. Bitterness, resentment, anger, disappointment, sadness, despair? Would you really bring that to the Father. I pray that He would shine His light on that and reveal the truth. I ask that He would show you your own heart like He did me. Would you ask Him to put a dream in your heart that's straight from Him. I want to fulfill one of God's desires. And for me that looks like me staying home raising my kids, spoiling my man, and running this house. It means being involved in my community and a lot of prayer. I have seen things a lot of people haven't. And some how I know it's because it has prepared me for something. I've seen starving children, families literally dieing of starvation and I know my children will be taught to be thankful for everything. I do have something to offer the Kingdom and I'm doing it. Right now, where God has called me. I'm not missing out on anything. I am on the "front lines" I am in the trenches. Any of you with young children know what I'm talking about.

He has put a love for the lost in my heart. It breaks for people who don't know Him or His love. That's not wasted in this life I have now. I will always have a heart for missions and I know one day I will go again. But I can rest and know that this is where I want to be. This is where He wants me to be. Praise God!

This is enough for me today:
“We have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us. God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.” 1 John 4:16 NASB
Abide in Him today....

Beauty from Dust

Last night at Fusion (Believer's Church Youth) we were asked something like this, "How did your new life begin?"

I had to stop and think about it because like many, I was "saved" as a small child. I grew up in a church and believed in God and Jesus for as long as I could remember. But after singing the song lyrics, "You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of the dust." I was overwhelmed. I feel like my life was worse then dust. It was muck. Any horse people out there no what I'm talking about. When did my new life begin? It began out of dust. Not as a small child but when I was a teenager. I knew of Him. I knew He "loved" me but what did that mean? I didn't see it in my life. My sister, a beautiful singer, once told me a story of the Lord sharing with her that He created her to worship Him. That in the womb, she sang to Him. Wow, beautiful. I wanted that. I wanted for God to know who I was. I didn't feel like He did. I wanted Him to know my name. One day, in a youth group not unlike the one I was at last night, I cried out to Him.

Do you know me?! Speak to me like You did my sister! Do you love me?! I want to love You. She sang to You! I want that!

Very clearly I felt Him burn words onto my heart.

She did sing to Me. But I. Sang. To you.

My new life began in that moment. And I cry again just thinking about it. I looked around the room last night at the group of students. I can't tell you how much I wish I could have grown up with these kids as my friends. They have their issues sure, but they are beautiful and wonderful and so precious to His heart. I was humbled. Listening to their stories. Their honesty. It's humbling. I see His face in theirs. Beautiful. He really can do amazing things. I'm so glad I get to know Him. I'm so glad I get to love Him.

So Thankful

The other night I was praying and thanking Him for all that He's been in my life. Somehow I always end up back at the beginning. When He gave His life for me. I can't help but think of it any time I start to really tell Him of my thankfulness. But this particular night when I was praying I was really moved. I saw Him in my mind so clear, almost like I was watching that movie, The Passion. I could probably post some pictures on this blog but I don't think we need any. I see it vividly in my mind.

And I cried.

Not out of sorrow or sadness or anything like that but just out of pure thankfulness. Because I know if the roles were reversed, despite my love for Him, I don't think I would have done the same thing.

I know I would not have done the same for Him.

I would have been like Peter and denied Him to save myself. Yet knowing all of that, He did it anyway. That's what I'm thankful for. He knows all my faults, all my stuff, all my potential for ugliness and still it doesn't change anything. I can't begin to describe how full my heart gets when I think about His love for us.

Can you imagine being there? Seeing Him beaten, bleeding. Wanting to scream at the men to "STOP!" Even knowing what we know now.

He was raised. That the story didn't end with Him hanging on the cross.

So thankful. I'm imagining what my life would be like with out a trace of Him in it. It's a scary thought. Can you imagine it? Where would you be with out Him?

He looks at me and calls me beautiful. Doesn't He see all that's in me? Doesn't He see the darkness that threatens to take over everyday? "Beautiful," He says to me, and I lay my head in His nail scarred hands.

So thankful.

I was telling my 5 year old daughter about the story of Jesus healing the man at the pool of Bethesda. I read to her the story out of John 5. Afterward I asked her what she thought. She said "Mommy, Jesus was pretty cool huh?" I told her that He was for sure very cool and I asked her why she thought so. She said, "Because He can heal people, and because He healed the people nobody cared about." And I'm sitting there in stunned silence and then she says. "I wish we could get in a rocket ship and fly to heaven." "That would be cool," I said "but heaven is not in space and we don't have to go there to meet with Jesus, remember?" "Yeah, He lives in our hearts but I still wish I could just give Him a big giant hug."

Me too, baby girl, me too.

Poor in Spirit

Matthew 5:3  “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

I was listening to the radio the other day and the DJ came on and started talking about this book he had been reading. (I was listening to Air1 around 5:15 if anyone heard it and knows the name of the book please post it, I'm really interested in reading it.) He said that in this book this guy proposed this idea about the first Be Attitude in Matthew 5. DJ man said that he didn't claim to know for sure if this Author new what he was talking about but he liked this idea. We've all probably heard many sermons given on the Be Attitudes and I don't claim to know everything about them or anything about them for that matter. But this interesting thought Book Author gave is so different from anything I've ever heard and like DJ, I don't claim to know if it's true necessarily about the Be Attitudes but it strikes me in a way that is good.

This idea is a bit contrary to what a few commentators have said about those who are "poor in spirit." I've listed them here first so you could refresh your memory on what's being taught in most "Christian" churches.

Matthew Henry says the poor in spirit are happy. These bring their minds to their condition, when it is a low condition. They are humble and lowly in their own eyes. They see their want, bewail their guilt, and thirst after a Redeemer. The kingdom of grace is of such; the kingdom of glory is for them.

John Darby says the characters pronounced blessed may be briefly noted. They suppose evil in the world, and amongst God's people. The first is not seeking great things for self, but accepting a despised place in a scene contrary to God.

John Wesley says those who are unfeignedly penitent, they who are truly convinced of sin; who see and feel the state they are in by nature, being deeply sensible of their sinfulness, guiltiness, helplessness.


Ok. Now let me tell you what DJ guy said. This new idea is this. If we take the words "blessed are the poor in spirit" a little more literally then we could say, "blessed are the spiritually poor." DJ said (this is not word for word)  "If you're like me this is good news because I am not exactly a spiritual person. There are those out there who are just oceans of spirituality. It comes easy to them. They have a natural tendency to look heavenward all the time. For some reason I'm not like that. I often get stuck in the mud about spiritual things and tend to feel left out. I don't always 'get' things like other spiritual people do. I have a much dryer nature. This idea blesses me so because this means I have a place at His table too."

Wow. Do you know someone or have you judged someone who seems a bit spiritually dry? A bit spiritually bankrupt? Are you that person? I have a hard time understanding because I have a tendency to over-spiritualize everything and I don't think that's a problem until I start judging those who aren't like that. After all you don't see a Be Attitude that says "blessed are the overly spiritual because they are better then everyone else." I guess in a way it does kind of line up with what these commentators have said because the DJ was definitely humble in his thinking that spiritual people were somehow better off then him.

I am really humbled by this and if you have any thoughts on the matter I'd love to hear it.

Yellow Light

I've often thought about the significance a "yellow light" moment can have on a person. You've probably seen a movie that goes backward in time to discover the moment things started changing in someone's life that eventually led to some kind of huge disaster. They left something and had to go back and get it and in the time that took consequences were set into motion. I was talking to a friend and telling her how I believe God can use yellow lights to help get things back on track. You know those yellow traffic lights you speed up and try to get through before it turns red? What might change if we yielded? Obviously there could be things like fender benders and other accidents but what about the consequences arriving some where at a different time could make? Oh the possibilities. And then it makes you wonder how many times God's already done something cool because you yielded.

Anyway as I'm thinking out loud with my friend, letting my mind wander and ponder all the possible implications this could have, she was not amused because all this means she now can not run yellow lights any more. HA! Interestingly enough though she called me back a day or so later and said "Hey I think you should blog about the deeper implications that this yellow light thing might have." "Like what?" I said. "Like how we should probably yield to God in general but how sometimes He even gives us an obvious sign like a literal yellow light in our face." I said, "Oh yeah that could probably make a good post haha."

I guess my point is we are at a stage of human existence that we can no longer be careless about these signs. Even to the point of violating a seemingly insignificant traffic signal. We cannot afford to allow our very real enemy any kind of authority in our life. Ignoring God's "yellow lights" in our life could cause extreme consequences. I don't believe that God can't step in and fix the domino affect we cause by ignoring Him in the first place but sometimes that might come in the shape of say, a yellow light for example. It's time to unplug from all the technology available and "plug in" to Him. He's speaking to you. It's not just enough to hear Him. We have to yield. We have to surrender.

The coolest thing about this whole idea is that He couldn't warn us if He weren't watching us. He's watching out for you. Look up the word "watch" in the Bible and you'll find so many references to His watchful eyes. He sees you. I love this Psalm in the Message Bible.

Psalm 121

^1-2 I look up to the mountains; does my strength come from mountains?
   No, my strength comes from God,
      who made heaven, and earth, and mountains.

 ^3-4 He won't let you stumble,
      your Guardian God won't fall asleep.
   Not on your life! Israel's
      Guardian will never doze or sleep.

 ^5-6 God's your Guardian,
      right at your side to protect you—
   Shielding you from sunstroke,
      sheltering you from moonstroke.

 ^7-8 God guards you from every evil,
      he guards your very life.
   He guards you when you leave and when you return,
      he guards you now, he guards you always. 



I have to warn you. Since my friend and I started talking about this we've seen many yellow lights and cool things are happening. If you have anything cool about a yellow light moment please share. After reading this I dare you to run a yellow light! 

How Great is Your Love?

How deep How high is your love for me, is your love for me

How far How wide is your love for me, is your love for me

How deep How high is your love for me, is your love for me

How far How wide is your love for me, is your love for me

We sang this song at church this morning. It's one of my favorites. I often ask the Lord to show me how big His love for me is.

"Take me deeper," I whisper.

But this morning something was different. As we sang this song I felt Him singing to me. "How deep, how high is your love for Me? How far, How wide is your love for Me?"

It's so easy to sing of my love for Him. Isn't that what praise and worship is all about anyway? But really what I felt like He was desperately asking me is, "How far will you go? Will you trust Me in the darkness of your circumstances? Will you love the unlovable in My Name? Will you go? Will you follow where I lead you? Will you seek My Face? Will you run to me? How deep? Take Me deeper still..."

How can I answer Him? What do I say? My heart cries, "YES!" But still something holds me back.

Your love is an ocean, I'm drowning in boundless depths of mercy

Your love is an ocean, surrounding with everlasting beauty

And I realize that I'm powerless to resist Him. His love is an ocean and I. Am. Drowning. He sweeps me away in His love and mercy, in His everlasting beauty. I cannot deny Him. He takes me deeper still and at the same time moves deeper in my heart as I surrender more of myself to Him.

More. I want more. He chuckles at me. He seems to say "Your ocean sits before me like a cup of water before you. You want an ocean of love? It's nothing compared to the amount of  love I have for you. Nothing."

How great is Your love?

How great is Your love?

How great is Your love?

*This song was written by Believer's Church Praise and Worship Leader, Tim Lucas and is not available in a format I can let you hear on this blog. You can check it out here. It's under the date 10/9/11.

Gain New Strength

Yet those who wait for the LORD
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary. 
Isaiah 40:31

Have you ever had to wait on something? Someone? I'm definitely playing the waiting game with God right now. I don't know about you, but this verse sounds an awful lot like a promise to me. Those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength. Other translations say those who hope in the Lord. It sounds kind of twisted doesn't it? Run and not grow tired? (Oy I could have used that today on my run!) Doesn't waiting have the tendency to feel hopeless? Wait and wait and wait and still nothing. Don't you just want to give up? But He promised us that it wouldn't be in our own strength because in our weakness He is made strong.

But what does this look like Father? I know I'm weak. I know You're strong. I know You're with me but I still feel weak.

I was reading a blog today. I was reminded how really precious this time of life is with my young children. How they still need their mama. In this post she talks about snuggling with her children. How they need that snuggle time to find rest.

I thought of my Father. In Him I find rest.

Papa? Daddy? Will you let me lay my head on Your shoulder? I'm all done. I'm all poured out. I have nothing left. 

He's made a promise to me. Hope in Him and I will gain strength. It's a great mystery how this happens. All I know is sometimes, especially when we're all worn out, all we need is a good snuggle with Him. Burrow your face in the crook of His neck. Hear His heart beat? Feel His deep even breathing. Rest. How do we rest and run at the same time? It's Him. He carries us. We're in His arms. Trusting. Loving. Holding on. Flying high like eagles.

Martha, Martha, Martha

I've always been a bit like Mary, Ok I'm a lot like Mary. I just really am in love with Jesus and like David says in Psalm 27 I really do just want to sit and gaze at His beauty all the rest of my days. I hang on His every word and love being in His presence. I wish I could sit in my living room with praise and worship music all day long and do nothing else. I have 4 children running around, piles of laundry, and a sink full of dishes but none of that really matters to me. If I could close my eyes and be in heaven and say good bye to this life I would. That might sound terrible to some (mostly to the Marthas) but it's really how I feel. I would love it if He would just twirl me around in our secret place all day everyday.

But lately, well, I'm feeling a bit immature in my thinking. Let me try to explain. Everything I said I truly believe is good and is genuinely how I feel. However, the truth of the matter is, I am not in heaven and unfortunately I live much of my life outside that secret place. That's not to say I don't feel His presence with me always but the intimacy level is not as deep. If I live that part of my life like Mary I often feel a bit depressed. Not in an oppressive way but like half of a pair of newlyweds separated. I often feel like I wander all day with my head in the clouds.

What I'm realizing is I need to be a little more like Martha (just a little). It's time to grow up spiritually and that takes some effort. Thankfully it can be a real satisfying experience because I'm not working for myself or anyone else. I'm striving to know Him better and because I have such a strong foundational love for Him and I'm grounded in His love for me this a completely healthy change. I guess the reason for this post is because originally I was feeling somewhat obligated to make this change. I'm so anti-formula and controlling religious ideas but that's exactly what I had fallen into. And it was so dry! Trying to be Martha with out Mary is hard and exhausting and so, so dry. The guilt and shame of never being enough, never doing enough is too much for this Mary to take. But there is something inside me that is craving the spiritual giant that lives in Martha. She knows her Bible, she can call up scripture and take comfort in the words without having to spend half an hour searching on biblegateway. She's the one people call when they need a warrior. She's comforting in her ability to stay grounded, focused, and clear-headed. She is able to pour out herself into her family and community because she is not self-centered. She is others-minded. She is strong.

You can't become Martha overnight. I've often judged her but now I want to be more like her. Of course when He calls my name, I am there. Nothing is more important or more satisfying then being a lone with Him but until the day comes when my sole responsibility is to gaze lovingly into His eyes I need look at Martha's example. Yes, she had her issues, but don't we all? It's time to give up the milk, baby food, and high chair (no matter how convenient and satisfying it is). It's time to join the adult table and make a difference on this earth. I'm not going to lie. It sucks a little bit (lol is that too frank?). I hate growing. I hate changing. I like my mess. I like being fed and having my diaper changed so to speak. But I've reached the point where that is no longer acceptable. He's calling me to more. He's drawing me farther and I simply can not resist Him.

$1 Jeans

No this is not a Craigslist add. I want to tell you how really cool my God is.

Today I was at Wal-Mart. I was just picking up some random things, light bulbs, diapers, ect. I walked by the women's department and was thinking about how I desperately need some new jeans. Gone are the days that I spend 70-80 bucks on jeans (that money now goes to pay for things like plumbers to remove baby spoons out of garbage disposals). You see I've lost quite a bit of weight since my 3rd child was born, which is really awesome, but nothing fits and with two kids in diapers a new wardrobe just isn't in the budget. So I'm reminding God about all these things while skimming the clearance rack. Eh nothing there. I move on to the more expensive section and pick out about 4 different pairs. None of them are anything super amazing but like I said, I'm desperate. Only one pair was without a price tag and I thought to myself "of course these will be the only pair that fit and end up being out of my price range." I tried them all on asking the Lord to step in, in some way. A coupon would have been nice. Anyway of course priceless pants are the ones I like best. I asked the lady for the price. She typed in the numbers and on the little screen pops up the numbers 1.00. I was confused and said. "Does that say 1 dollar?"

"Yep." She says and she smiles.

What?! As in American Dollars? Yep. And in that moment I knew that God loved me. Haha. Can't explain it. Might sound silly to some but I just know I'm His favorite.

He showed me again how special I am to Him and how big He is. I'm sure those pants were originally marked a lot higher then a single dollar. Yet somehow that's how much I paid for them. He's in the details. If you doubt that come check out my brand new, stinking awesome pair of pants. I'm going to remember what He did for me every time I see them. Every time I wear them I'm going to know He provides and He really is freakin' awesome.

Fairy Godmother's Got Nothing on Him

"Dance with Me," He said.

But I'm nothing.

He whispered my name, "Dance with me."
  “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine! (Is 43:1)


He chose me.
   ^"You did not choose Me but I chose you..." (John 15:16)

He. Saw. Me. In the deep, dark pit that I was in. So deep and black no light from the opening penetrated my darkness. But darkness is nothing to Him so He saw me, filthy, weeping in fear and despair.
   Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You. (Psalm 139:12)


He reached in and pulled me out. All on His own He did this. He did not wait for me to see Him, or reach out to Him. With a tender, loving hand, full of compassion, He gently wrapped His arms around me and brought me up.

"Dance with me." He said.

But I'm a mess.

And so He washed over me. Like a wave. And made me new. I sparkled in the light of His love.

"Dance with me."

But I'm not worthy.

And so He made me His. He gave me a new dress and called me His daughter. His princess.
  For He has clothed me with garments of salvation, He has wrapped me with a robe of righteousness (Is 61:10)

He cries. "Dance with me."

Yes, for His tears softened my heart and I could not resist Him. After all I was made for loving Him. He swept me up and away and we danced.

Psalm 119:72
With your very own hands you formed me;
      now breathe your wisdom over me so I can understand you.
   When they see me waiting, expecting your Word,
      those who fear you will take heart and be glad.
   I can see now, God, that your decisions are right;
      your testing has taught me what's true and right.
   Oh, love me—and right now!—hold me tight!
      just the way you promised.
   Now comfort me so I can live, really live;
      your revelation is the tune I dance to.

This Beautiful Dream

I'm sure the fact that the last few days all I've been hearing about is hope and being anchored in hope and that we can put our hope in God has nothing to do with this dream I had last night. Haha ;)

(I was planning on sharing this but now that I'm writing it, it's like "wow this makes me feel totally vulnerable and this dream is not HALF as wild as my normal ones!")

I was on a ship. An old looking one like you see in the history books or movies. It was huge and had sails. There was a storm and I was literally being tossed too and fro. The weird thing about this all is that I knew it wasn't real. I wasn't afraid because I somehow had a sense that it was all a dream. And in my dream I asked the Lord what was going on. The wind and the rain were like temptation flying around my head: falling out of patience, anger, depression, worry, lack of self-control. The boat and the ocean were my life's circumstances. He said "Run to the anchor." Not walk, not stumble, but get up and run. And so I did. When I found it, the anchor was already let out into the ocean. All that I saw was the chain. It was HUGE. I couldn't even wrap one hand around one side of the link. It represented Christ. He said "hold onto Me." And I did. And I woke up.

A couple of things I'm taking away from this is that first of all, the anchor was already let down (at least I got something right). Sometimes it doesn't feel like it. Sometimes in our circumstance we don't see Him. We don't experience Him or see the influence He has on our storm. But He's there. If you've welcomed Him into your life He's there. Next? You have to run to Him. It's not enough to just be on the boat. To just ride it out. Run to Him.

The scripture quoted to us so often at the women's retreat I just attended was this one, and I think it's totally appropriate this morning.

Hebrews 6 MSG

^18-20We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It's an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God where Jesus, running on ahead of us, has taken up his permanent post as high priest for us, in the order of Melchizedek.

Hulk-Up

Has it really been a week since my last post? Wow that's a first. I've had a bit of writer's block I guess. It's not that there hasn't been anything inspiring going on around me, I've just been overwhelmed lately. I've been brought low in my circumstances and it has been all I can do to encourage myself and walk with the Lord. Guess there hasn't been enough to go around.

Which brings me to my blog post today. I've been a big fat baby. Seriously! I finally woke up out of my daze and realized "Hey! This life, this relationship with God, this hope thing, it's work sometimes!" I gotta get busy.

My thoughts are a bit muddled right now so let me do my best to explain. In many areas of my life, all along the way I've wanted God to be my magic genie and step in, snap His fingers and save the day. You know what? He has saved the day but rarely has it happened like that. It takes work on my part too. When I was in the deepest darkest pit, living fear, He stepped in, scooped me up and brought light to my life. But it was a daily process and took a lot of effort on my part too. Prayer, and lots of it. Trust, by the bucket loads. And now I'm learning about hope.

In my discipleship group hope has been one of the main topics and in the women's retreat I just attended it was the theme. I don't want to go all into that here but the main thing I discovered was that just like everything else, I have to do something. Wallowing in self-pity or self-whatever and crying out "Why God?" isn't enough. I know He hears my cry and He has mercy and favor for me but He's called me to do something too.

The bottom line? Nothing I've gone through is anything compared to what Christ went through for me. It's like He called to me this weekend "Man up girl!" Man up in Him. He's the man. I needed a spiritual "Hulk-up" so to speak.

Hebrews 12 MSG
^1-3Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls! 


Discipline is a long distance race. You gotta come prepared and you need "power-ups" a long the way. On your own you'll never make it. His grace is new each day. He gives us daily bread. His love is never ending. Hope in Him, the God of hope. That takes something, it takes action, effort. It means reminding yourself of all He's done, of His promises. It means being thankful. It means filling yourself up with His Word and when you've done all you can do, you stand. Ephesians 6 NASB ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. ¹³ Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. ¹⁴ Stand firm therefore....

"They Will Call Me By Name"

He looked right at me and said my name. Bret, my newly turned one year old, looked right at me this morning and said "mama." I knew he would soon. He's finally been saying the sound "ma" now but hadn't put it together yet that that was me. I felt this sudden shot of adrenaline, of excitement, of exhilaration. He knows me! He knows who I am! Finally after all these months of taking care of him, waking up with him, snuggling, comforting, cleaning, with out a thank you, he looks at me and says my name. And it's like he acknowledged everything. It is like he said thank you and love you in two simple syllables. "Mama" Wow. I'm still on a high from it.

It did make me think though, obviously, otherwise I would not be blogging. You know me well enough by now that of course it taught me something. It just made me think about how God must feel when we finally learn His name. When we finally acknowledge Him. Consequently what He must be feeling when we don't? How He longs for us to seek Him, and call Him by name. He spends all this time and effort, pursuing us. Calling us. How long has He been knocking at the door of my heart?

Rev 3 NASB  
²⁰ Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.

One thing I am finding out is that He always answers when I call Him by name. The Bible is FULL of scriptures that say something to the effect of "I called Him by Name and He answered." Sometimes I don't think He responds the way we expect or want Him to but He always hears. He always listens and just like I got excited when Bret FINALLY acknowledged me for who I am I truly believe He gets excited too. I think He waits with anticipation. He waits for us to FINALLY acknowledge just WHO He is. Just His Name is such a huge deal in scripture. People have literally spent there entire careers studying it. 


You know what I really love about knowing all this? I don't have to wait until a time of crisis to call on Him. Just like Bret doesn't need to wait until he's hurting or needs something to call out to me. Don't you just love it when your kids want you just because, for no other reason then to be near you? Bret is my little lover boy. He loves to just be held. He would be content to lay his head on my shoulder all day long and I would be content to let him if I had the strength to carry him. The Father does have the strength to carry us! All day if we want. I love being able to call on Him, to feel His presence and His abiding love for me. He's there when I need Him, when I am hurting and when I'm at peace. When things are good I can share them with Him. I think calling on Him just to be near Him must be a special thing for Him to experience too or why else would we humans experience it? Maybe I am being too presumptious but I would challenge anyone who thinks so. I would ask them if they really know what I'm talking about. I want Him to say of me "Katie is my little lover girl, she is content to lay her head on my shoulder and be near me all day. I love to carry her around and be near her." Can you imagine?


Zachariah 13:9 NASB
They will call on My name,
And I will answer them;
I will say, ‘They are My people,’
And they will say, ‘The LORD is my God.’”

Not Missing Out After All

We have some really good friends who are missionaries in Costa Rica right now. They recently updated their blog and my heart is pulled in that direction. Let me give you a bit more of my back story.
I lived as a missionary for two years before I was married. I worked in places like Panama and the Philippines and I would be back in a red hot second if I could...or would I? I was praying about this very thing when I felt like God showed me a bit of my own heart. Ever had that happen? You think you know something about yourself and then BAM He shows you what you really look like.

I pictured myself back at that orphanage in the Philippines. I saw my self holding those babies that were crying out just to be held. Just to have a tiny bit of affection. I looked into those eyes, starving. Starving for nourishment, hungry for love. If I could do something for them I would but what I realized is, I wouldn't give up my life for them. I wouldn't give up my children for them. I wouldn't even give up my children's happiness or security for them. I used to think I would sell everything and leave everyone and go if He called me to. And perhaps I still would but it would be harder then I thought. I think that's ok. I didn't feel any sort of judgement from God only revelation. I've often felt discontent. Like there's more then just being a wife and mother and I'm stuck here up to my eyeballs in dirty diapers while the world needs saving. Yeah I write a nice little blog that I hope is encouraging and yeah more and more people read it every day and yeah my family is involved in church and our community and yes we do give money to missions but geez God NEEDS ME. I mean how can He possibly accomplish anything while I'm here and not...well anywhere but here? I've often felt a little bitter about this (can ya tell?). I've blamed my husband and GOD. I've also felt a little snobbish. Like yeah well I am a stay at home mom but I'm really called to more. But when I prayed for the billionth time about this to God He showed me that that's not really what I want after all. I really do love being a mom. I really do love staying home with my children. I even like homeschooling for crying out loud! Even if someone gave me a few thousand dollars today to go to that orphanage just to hold those babies I would really have think about it. Now when I see those children in my mind I see my own right beside them. I know there are families out there who live the missionary life and their children are apart of that. I think that's great and who knows? Maybe that could be my life one day but the point is. It's not really what I want. It's not really my desire. Not like before. I'd rather be here.

This is a very big deal for me. Huge. How many hours have I spent in despair, wrestling with feeling like I'm not fulfilling my "calling"? Sometimes I think we just get stuck with certain thoughts and feelings over something. I never even wanted children. I thought perhaps I would adopt a hundred of them but I never. EVER. wanted to give birth. Can you imagine?? No that just wasn't for me. If someone told me then that I'd have 3 children and a mini van by the time I turned 24 I would have laughed in their face. And then rebuked them in the name of Jesus! I had dreams. I had plans.

Maybe you are like me. Have you ever had a dream that didn't come true and you feel...well, bad about it? However that looks like for you. Bitterness, resentment, anger, disappointment, sadness, despair? Would you really bring that to the Father. I pray that He would shine His light on that and reveal the truth. I ask that He would show you your own heart like He did me. Would you ask Him to put a dream in your heart that's straight from Him. I want to fulfill one of God's desires. And for me that looks like me staying home raising my kids, spoiling my man, and running this house. It means being involved in my community and a lot of prayer. I have seen things a lot of people haven't. And some how I know it's because it has prepared me for something. I've seen starving children, families literally dieing of starvation and I know my children will be taught to be thankful for everything. I do have something to offer the Kingdom and I'm doing it. Right now, where God has called me. I'm not missing out on anything. I am on the "front lines" I am in the trenches. Any of you with young children know what I'm talking about.

He has put a love for the lost in my heart. It breaks for people who don't know Him or His love. That's not wasted in this life I have now. I will always have a heart for missions and I know one day I will go again. But I can rest and know that this is where I want to be. This is where He wants me to be. Praise God!

This is enough for me today:
“We have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us. God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.” 1 John 4:16 NASB
Abide in Him today....

Dancing on the Clouds

I think it's safe to say I definitely tip to the side of super spirituality on a scale from non-spiritual to extremely spiritual.  I've often been concerned that this comes across really weird to most people. Even in this blog I see a pattern. I don't believe in coincidences and I look for God in everything...all the time. If this makes me super spiritual or wacky to some, well, so be it. I often struggle with the "reality" or lack there of, in this life. I recently had a couple of "super spiritual" experiences that have made me even more aware of just how fragile, and temporary this part of our life is. It's put everything in perspective. It's also put me in a bit of a funk. I can't explain it. It's like seeing life in technicolor and then going back to black and white.

I'm hungry for You, Lord. My love is Yours, You are my heart's desire. I live to know You more, God.

I often feel like I'm being a bit bizarre, a bit like my head is "stuck in the clouds." Even though I feel self conscious about this at times it doesn't really change anything. A friend recently reminded me that "aren't we supposed to be more spiritual anyway? Shouldn't more of us be that way? If you're super spirituality is over the top then it only evens the rest of us out." And then I think, "Yeah, that's right." It's not me, it's all of you duds. Haha, only kidding. I know a lot of us "in the clouds" crazy people get ourselves into trouble with all our out of this world thinking. But right now I'm really struggling with being grounded after floating on the clouds. Thankfully I really, really love the Bible. I really love it. It's the only book I know of that can be read over and over again, the same paragraph, and come a live every time with deeper and more powerful meaning. And it is my firm foundation.

It's in reading the Word that I find comfort for my struggle, which is kind of the point right?? Romans 8 (again I know) NASB
⁹ However, you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. But if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Him. ¹⁰ If Christ is in you, though the body is dead because of sin, yet the spirit is alive because of righteousness. ¹¹ But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you. ¹² So then, brethren, we are under obligation, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh— ¹³ for if you are living according to the flesh, you must die; but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live. ¹⁴ For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. ¹⁵ For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, “Abba! Father!” ¹⁶ The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, ¹⁷ and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.

 So I'm not so crazy after all. It's so good to know (I did seriously doubt it). My spirit has been brought to life and my flesh is dead. This body is dead. This life is not all there is. I am a "son of God" and so it's perfectly understandable that all I would want to do is cry "Father!" The Spirit Himself testifies with my spirit. Can you imagine? No wonder my feet lift off the ground when I think of it. How can you think of anything else?

Draw my heart to Yours, O God. Set my heart on fire. Hold my heart in love. Let Your presence over take my heart. Overwhelm me. Sweep me away.....

Falling On My Knees

I'll be honest I felt a little obligated to post today. So many of my blogger friends are posting today. Where they were. What they were doing. Really touching. But I didn't want to blog just to blog. I really wanted to sincerely mean it. Just like I do every other time. So I had decided I wasn't going to blog today...well God really moved on my heart and so here I am.

10 years ago I was 14. No one I knew was hurt in any of the attacks that day. My brother was in the army at that time and was deployed soon after. But he's home. Safe. He owns a successful business and has a beautiful family. So I wasn't really affected in the way those who were directly impacted were. Life just kind of kept going. I saw the movies, I tear up every year and have been just as frustrated as every other American with this war. I've prayed for our soldiers. I pray often for them and their families. I pray for our country and it's leaders. But I stand on the outside of it all, looking in, and knowing this life isn't really what I'm living for. There will always be a battle to fight. A war that needs winning. But what's it all about? What's actually real? Please don't get me wrong. I absolutely do not want to belittle anything about what happened on 9/11/2001 or anything that's happened since. All I mean is that none of that changes the truth. And the truth is I have to fall on my knees everyday. I have to surrender to Him everyday and offer all that I am and all that I have. In His presence I find hope, I find joy and peace. I'm so thankful that nothing and no one can change that. If, unlike me, you were impacted in a really big way that day, and if you're struggling, would you fall on your knees and give it to Him. He can comfort you like no one else. Even though war rages all around us, He has made peace for us on heaven and earth.

Colossians 1 NASB
¹³ For He rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, ¹⁴ in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.
 ¹⁵ He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. ¹⁶ For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things have been created through Him and for Him. ¹⁷ He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. ¹⁸ He is also head of the body, the church; and He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, so that He Himself will come to have first place in everything. ¹⁹ For it was the Father’s good pleasure for all the fullness to dwell in Him, ²⁰ and through Him to reconcile all things to Himself, having made peace through the blood of His cross; through Him, I say, whether things on earth or things in heaven. 

Do You Really Know?

Last night I had the awesome privilege to attend a worship service in our community called Metro Worship. It involves youth groups from all over Tulsa who get together and worship. It was awesome. The music was awesome, the whole idea behind it, getting together as One Body to celebrate our love for Jesus despite our differences, awesome.

Most of the music were songs speaking about love. His love for us, our love for Him. As I looked around at the students, hundreds of them, I wondered. Do they really know? Do they know what this whole love thing is about? Do I know? I so wanted to run up to a few and shake them by the shoulders and ask them in desperation, "Do you really know?" Now, of course, I didn't, wouldn't unless I really felt spurred on by the Lord but I don't think He would want me to do that either. He doesn't need me for that. But it really got the wheels turning.This event combined with a couple of recent conversations with a few friends of mine has inspired this blog post.

I wish people would just give Him a chance. You know the kind of people I'm talking about. You probably have family or friends or coworkers who have decided against God. They may have had an inaccurate impression or a bad experience or circumstance that has caused them to judge God in a way He is not to be judged and for whatever reason they've said "no" to Him. I'm not saying these people are unreachable, in fact my hope and faith is that they are not. But, it's these people my heart breaks for the most. I care about those who have never heard His name. I was a missionary for 2 years so my heart is heavily burdened for those people. But right now, my heart breaks for those who think they know what's going on, who think they know all about God and have rejected Him. I just want to scream at the injustice of it. I honestly believe that if a person has a true encounter, if they totally surrender...they could never go back. We all make mistakes and we all probably have a tendency to "backslide" but you can't deny the life altering change that takes place after being exposed to the magnitude of love He has for you.

I want to look all of these people in the face and say, "Just give Him a chance. Test Him and see that He is who He says He is. It's ok to do that. I think that's what He meant when He said "Test me." He didn't mean go jump off a cliff and see if I'll catch you. I believe He meant "Give me a chance!" Let go of your pride or what you think you know and cry out to Him. See if He doesn't change your life. He already knows all there is to know about you. He knows your heart. He knows the secret things, that you don't really like to read the Bible, that you spend most of your time running from Him, or that you truly wish harm on another person. He knows you lie, you cheat, you steal, He knows it all and still He loves you. Why not be completely honest with him? He's the one person you can be honest with because He knows anyway. Why not experience a true honest relationship with someone? He loves you. Just give Him a chance. What do you have to loose?"

I know this is kind of heavy. But I feel responsible, a bit, for anyone who just doesn't know. I mean what is this life? Why are we here? What's the point? Can you imagine what it must be like to not know? To get up, go to work, eat, go to bed? That's not life! He is an experiential God. He wants you to know Him. He hasn't hidden himself. He wants to talk to you. He wants you to talk to Him. Why? Why does He delight in me so? Who am I? I don't understand it all. We sang last night the words, "When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory....and I realize how great Your affections are for me." This is what happens when we get close to Him. All those things that kept us away from Him are totally eclipsed by glory, by Him. They become nothing!

Romans 8 NASB

¹⁸ For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

So what do we do? Since rare are those opportunities to literally shake and yell at person and actually have them get anything you're talking about. Well I think we trust Him. I'm pretty confident it's a priority for Him. We pray. I've often felt a bit futile while praying for others. I've often felt like, "well doesn't it all boil down to that person making a choice?" The short answer is "Yes" but He is moved by our prayers and nothing is impossible for them that believe. This I know. And we stay burdened for those who have yet to have a true encounter with His love. It's kind of the point. If we stay awake, opportunities will present themselves. And finally, we hope. This brings me back to Romans 8 in the NASB

²⁴ For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? ²⁵ But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.

Love This

Romans 8:36-39

Have you ever felt like a particular verse or chapter in the Bible was written specifically for you? It's probably a bit vain of me to think that Romans 8 was written just for me but I kind of do. Don't get me wrong. I'm glad other people can get something out of it too but I really feel like I can take ownership of it. I think this is a good thing. I think we should  all learn to read the Bible as if God was speaking it straight to us, individually, like there is no one else in the world. Because...He kind of is.

Anyway so often I find myself in Romans 8. I really love every bit of it. No matter what I'm going through I can pick up this chapter and wrap it around myself like a warm blanket. I thought it would probably be a good thing to journal about. And since this is my journal you all get to read it :) Nice huh?

It would probably make more since to start with verse one but for those of you who know me, you know I'm a bit backward anyway, so I thought I'd start at the end.

Romans 8 NASB

³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, ³⁹ nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

I really like what the Message says at the end of verse 39 too: absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us. 

What powerful imagery! Imagine a hug from Jesus so encompassing, so tight that nothing could separate us or get in between us. Really all God ever had to do to show us love was to send His Son. And. He. Did. Just saying the Name. Jesus. It's saying, "God loves me." You ask Him if He loves you and He says, "Jesus." That is so powerful. Are you convinced of it? For me, this is faith. Being fully convinced of God's love for me. If I can be sure of that, then nothing else matters. Why worry about anything? This can be easier said then done. I know, but for me, it's truth. All I have to do is remind myself of it or even read this verse and I feel it like a crashing wave against my soul. His love is stronger then anything that would try to rip me away from Him, even myself. It makes me just want to give up everything for Him...which kind of brings us to verses 36 and 37, which I know in and of itself can be hard for some to bear.

Romans 8 NASB
 ³⁶ Just as it is written,
   “FOR YOUR SAKE WE ARE BEING PUT TO DEATH ALL DAY LONG;
WE WERE CONSIDERED AS SHEEP TO BE SLAUGHTERED.”
 ³⁷ But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us.
And in the MSG:
   They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
   We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. 

When you put into context with all that He has done for us, it makes these verses a little easier to swallow. When you remember, Jesus and what that means it makes it a lot easier. In fact you can begin to feel the same. We have to get it through our heads that this life is...well...it sucks. Ok? It's not fair. There is darkness. There is death, and sickness, and poverty, and starving children and there is real evil out there. There are real evil people. Some know this in ways that I never want to know. Some have no idea. It is all working together to rip us apart. By "us" I mean ourselves and the Father. I mean ourselves and each other. His body. But we have to read on and see that what He did is bigger then that. Jesus is bigger then anything that would try to separate us. And that? That is fact. That is hope. That is faith. That is His all encompassing, all consuming, never failing, always present, in the good times and bad. Love. For. You. See yourself in His arms and read verse 38 and 39 again. Hear Him whisper that name, Jesus, in your ear and know that He was sent just for you. Nothing can separate you from Him.

Listen to His Heartbeat

I found this quote today. I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be from a mother to her baby. Probably to hang in a nursery. I love the sentiment. It is totally beautiful. But when I read it, it was the Father's voice I heard. I wish I could make everyone see how much God loves them. Do you know the strength of His love for you? Close your eyes, be quiet and listen for His heart beat. He is so near. Can you feel His pulse? His heart beats for you. You can hear it from the inside.

Starting from scratch, he made the entire human race and made the earth hospitable, with plenty of time and space for living so we could seek after God, and not just grope around in the dark but actually find him. He doesn't play hide-and-seek with us. He's not remote; he's near. We live and move in him, can't get away from him! One of your poets said it well: 'We're the God-created.' 
Acts 17 MSG