Martha, Martha, Martha

I've always been a bit like Mary, Ok I'm a lot like Mary. I just really am in love with Jesus and like David says in Psalm 27 I really do just want to sit and gaze at His beauty all the rest of my days. I hang on His every word and love being in His presence. I wish I could sit in my living room with praise and worship music all day long and do nothing else. I have 4 children running around, piles of laundry, and a sink full of dishes but none of that really matters to me. If I could close my eyes and be in heaven and say good bye to this life I would. That might sound terrible to some (mostly to the Marthas) but it's really how I feel. I would love it if He would just twirl me around in our secret place all day everyday.

But lately, well, I'm feeling a bit immature in my thinking. Let me try to explain. Everything I said I truly believe is good and is genuinely how I feel. However, the truth of the matter is, I am not in heaven and unfortunately I live much of my life outside that secret place. That's not to say I don't feel His presence with me always but the intimacy level is not as deep. If I live that part of my life like Mary I often feel a bit depressed. Not in an oppressive way but like half of a pair of newlyweds separated. I often feel like I wander all day with my head in the clouds.

What I'm realizing is I need to be a little more like Martha (just a little). It's time to grow up spiritually and that takes some effort. Thankfully it can be a real satisfying experience because I'm not working for myself or anyone else. I'm striving to know Him better and because I have such a strong foundational love for Him and I'm grounded in His love for me this a completely healthy change. I guess the reason for this post is because originally I was feeling somewhat obligated to make this change. I'm so anti-formula and controlling religious ideas but that's exactly what I had fallen into. And it was so dry! Trying to be Martha with out Mary is hard and exhausting and so, so dry. The guilt and shame of never being enough, never doing enough is too much for this Mary to take. But there is something inside me that is craving the spiritual giant that lives in Martha. She knows her Bible, she can call up scripture and take comfort in the words without having to spend half an hour searching on biblegateway. She's the one people call when they need a warrior. She's comforting in her ability to stay grounded, focused, and clear-headed. She is able to pour out herself into her family and community because she is not self-centered. She is others-minded. She is strong.

You can't become Martha overnight. I've often judged her but now I want to be more like her. Of course when He calls my name, I am there. Nothing is more important or more satisfying then being a lone with Him but until the day comes when my sole responsibility is to gaze lovingly into His eyes I need look at Martha's example. Yes, she had her issues, but don't we all? It's time to give up the milk, baby food, and high chair (no matter how convenient and satisfying it is). It's time to join the adult table and make a difference on this earth. I'm not going to lie. It sucks a little bit (lol is that too frank?). I hate growing. I hate changing. I like my mess. I like being fed and having my diaper changed so to speak. But I've reached the point where that is no longer acceptable. He's calling me to more. He's drawing me farther and I simply can not resist Him.