Day 7- Much Love

So it's Sunday the day I've been dreading. I have so much going on and will be around a lot of people. Church in the morning followed by a volunteers meeting and then my youngest child's 1st birthday party. Now you know the agenda let me break it down. I've been soooo nervous about going to church without makeup. I know it sounds terrible but I look forward to dressing up and looking good for church. I get ready for church with the same enthusiasm as when I get ready for a date night with my man. I have been dreading going to church without makeup all week. In fact the reason why I started my fast on a Monday was so I had plenty of time to get used to the idea before Sunday. This opened up a whole can of worms because I later realized that Sunday was Bret's birthday party. If I would have obeyed and started my fast on Friday I wouldn't have had to stress about that.

I was so anxious about church that I almost talked myself out of going several times. Saturday my husband tells me we're going to first service instead of second service. I'm not really thrilled with this. I like the second service even though it is really hard on my kids. We always get out really late, have to scramble through lunch so the kids can get down for their naps before we kill any of them for their behavior. Even still, I really like the second service but I decided I should obey and go along with what my husband wanted after all first service is still really good.

We walk into church and we notice something different is happening. Everything is DARK. Like completely DARK. I thought to myself that we must be having a candle lit service or something until I realized how hot it was. No air conditioning. No electricity. But honestly the only thing I cared about was NO LIGHTS! I mean can you believe that?! On the one Sunday Believer's Church doesn't have power I am stressing about not wearing makeup! What are the odds of that happening?! Not only that, we were at the first service. By the time first service rolled around they got power and lights and ac. Now I'm not saying God sent the storm that knocked out the power just for first service just so I wouldn't feel so insecure. No I'm not saying that....wellll Okay yeah that's exactly what I'm saying. I know that sounds kind of irrational but I don't care. In that moment I felt the biggest hug from the most awesome loving Father. I looked around and saw everyone suffering in the heat and yeah I cared but...well I kind of didn't. My not wearing makeup become completely not the point. The point was that I know without a shadow of a doubt that God loves me, for me and that is all that matters. If I could have turned on the power I would have because it just didn't matter any more what anyone thought of me. I still can't believe that happened. I walked around the rest of the day in a daze, on a cloud. He's utterly swept me away. What other people see doesn't matter, makeup, no makeup, who cares? Not me, the rest of the day I nearly forgot about it.

So for those I've completely lost let me give an analogy. My husband works really hard all day to provide for his family. He pays for our house, our cars, our food, our clothes, and all the fun things we do. Let's say He came home with a new dress just for my daughter, Lydia and told her that the reason He works sooo hard was to buy her that new dress. Yes there are more practical reasons why he goes to work but to that little girl none of it matters. All she cares about is that her Father is thinking about her, that He is working for her to give her good things. Just. For. Her.

At the meeting I went to I met a lot of new people. I didn't even think about not wearing makeup. I looked people in the eye, not confident because of physical beauty but because I know I am loved and all I want to do is shout it from the nearest roof top. When I see someone I want them to know they are loved too.

At the party, which I plan on blogging about later so you'll have to wait for the details, I was surrounded by friends and family. The people I can be most real with. My friends hugged me and told me they were proud of me. We celebrated the first birthday of my baby boy and many pictures were taken. I am completely honest when I say I absolutely forgot about not wearing makeup. I had joy around my loved ones and peace amongst the chaos. For once while people where here I wasn't thinking about my house and how lacking it may be in their eyes. I wasn't thinking about how my party planning skills come up short compared to some of my friends who were even at the party. I was just thinking "I am loved, I am blessed, I am treasured, I am so thankful."

Thank you to all of you who have supported me this week. To some I know it was a very trivial thing but it was huge for me. I would have had an easier time going on a food fast and drank only water all week then go without makeup. I really appreciate the words of encouragement and acceptance.

Love to you all.

Day 6- My Shattered Pride

Day 6 for me was Saturday. Like most people I love Saturdays. I meet with a group of women every Saturday morning for a couple hours and it is like oxygen for us all. We call it a D-Group, meaning Discipleship Group and we talk about our lives and the Lord and the Word and our struggles and we pray and sometimes we even party. It's wonderful. Without these women I probably would not have been able to do this fast. (If you'd like more info on exactly what a D-Group is and how you can start one or hook up with one just leave me a comment.) These women know everything there is to know about me. I've confessed to them, shared my heart and yet I was still completely nervous knowing I was going without makeup up until I walked through the door. Then it was like I literally forgot all about it. These women love me in a way that has absolutely nothing to do with what I wear or how I look, just like I love them. It inspires me to see others this way. To look at strangers and not see what they are wearing but wonder who they are on the inside. To know how God feels about them. That's how I want to be seen. Not for my insecurities or for the masks I use to cover my insecurities but loved for my heart.

You know what I've heard throughout this whole week? When I tell someone about my fast (which, honestly I didn't tell that many people, mostly I just pretended like nothing was any different) I would always here the same thing "You're not wearing any makeup??" I thought the same thing every time "How could they not know?" How could they not see that this face isn't my best? A lot of people told me I was beautiful but I honestly didn't get it. Especially if I knew them already. If someone saw me with all my makeup and then without and said they didn't notice...??? What? Well I realized that after talking to my D-Group girls that our mask really only covers about 10% of the 100% we're trying to hide. So if a person gets to know us and they see the 90% all the time then when you take away that 10% it doesn't make that big of a difference. I think that is so interesting. We cling to that 10% with all our might thinking we can hide behind it but when someone really gets to know us it's like trying to hide behind a dinner plate. "Like umm I can still see you". And when you remove that shield it's almost like, "Oh good because that was just kind of silly anyway." Does that make sense to anyone else? Maybe that's why it is ok to were makeup ya know? As long as it stays around 10% it's ok because for the most part you really do let people see who you are. I know there are different things that we do hide and are much more successful but when it comes to makeup for me it didn't make all that much difference. I think that's a good thing now. I'm relieved that those who love me still love me without makeup and that it doesn't really change who I am.

This may not have anything to do with anything but I really wanted to share the scripture I was reading. It really moved me. The whole chapter is really good but I highlighted a couple verses.

Psalm 51 MSG

 ^16-17 Going through the motions doesn't please you,
      a flawless performance is nothing to you.
   I learned God-worship
      when my pride was shattered.
   Heart-shattered lives ready for love
      don't for a moment escape God's notice.

Day 5- Short & Sweet

There are a lot of really great practical reasons that I like about not wearing makeup. It takes like no time at all for me to get ready, which really comes in handy when I'm chasing after 4 kids especially if I'm running late.

I've also realized that I'm a crier. I used to pride myself on never crying. I thought I just wasn't that kind of girl. Now I see that I actually cared more about the way that I looked then I did about just being "the real me" in that moment. I'd rather stuff my emotion so I wouldn't smear my makeup. How superficial. Again I was at this conference today and was overwhelmed with emotion. It was a beautiful thing. I love the freedom I'm experiencing. That being said *sigh* well I think that even now if I felt released I would totally be wearing makeup again. No hesitation. However I think that from now on, I'm going to let the tears come. If I can go without makeup then I can certainly manage smeared mascara. But I digress. While at the conference I spoke with a woman who had a Word from the Father. She said to me verbatim  "Papa wants you to know that you are pampered with His love, mercy, and grace. You are protected, guarded and directed. His beauty fills you and runs over. You leave a puddle of His love where ever you go. He delights in your uniqueness and radiance."

I have no more words....

Day 4- Lover or Prostitute

Today I went to a sort of, well for lack of a better word, "christian" conference. I really enjoyed it despite not wearing makeup. Honestly, it was probably the best place to be. I mean the guy on stage had a full beard and long hair. How more accepting can ya get? It was still really hard to be introduced to people I'll most likely meet again and have their first impression be of me free of makeup. Although if you asked them they'd probably say it was the best way to be introduced for the first time. I'm starting to accept this aspect of myself that I never had before. Starting to believe beauty is more then skin deep even though I've heard that and knew it to be true. Not that I'm some "beauty" but you know what I mean. Nothing I do to my outward appearance changes my heart.

Matt 7 NASB
¹⁸ A good tree cannot produce bad fruit, nor can a bad tree produce good fruit. ¹⁹Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. ²⁰ So then, you will know them by their fruits.

I came across a really interesting article and got totally inspired. Here's a bit of it (although mostly reworded to fit with my thoughts and my beliefs.) I believe that most American Christians do not know God–much less love Him. The root of this condition originates in how we came to God. Most of us came to Him because of what we were told He would do for us. We were promised that He would bless us in life and take us to heaven after death. We married Him for His money, and we don’t care if He lives or dies as long as we can get His stuff. We have made the Kingdom of God into a business, merchandising His anointing. This should not be. We are commanded to love God, that’s pretty intimate stuff. We are supposed to be His lovers. How can we love someone we don’t even know? And even if we do know someone, is that a guarantee that we truly love them?
 
This got me thinking... Are we lovers or prostitutes? 
 
What’s the difference between a lover and a prostitute? Both do many of the same things, but a lover does what she does because she loves. A prostitute pretends to love, but only as long as you pay. What would happen if God stopped paying me?

I want to allow God to search me to uncover my motives for loving and serving Him. Am I really a true lover of God? What would happen if He stopped blessing me? What if He never did another thing for me? Would I still love Him? The issue here is not whether God blesses His children; the issue is the condition of my heart. Why do I serve Him? Are His blessings in my life the gifts of a loving Father, or are they a wage that I have earned or a bribe/payment to love Him? Do I love God without any conditions? I wonder if my desire to love God is always matched by my attitude and behavior. I still catch myself being disappointed with God and angry that He has not met some perceived need in my life. I suspect this is something which is never fully resolved, but I want more than anything else to be a true lover of God.

So what is it going to be? 

Which are we, lover or prostitute? There are no prostitutes in heaven, or in the Kingdom of God for that matter, but there are plenty of former prostitutes in both places. Take it from a recovering prostitute when I say there is no substitute for unconditional, intimate relationship with God. We must choose. And we can't make the choice for anyone else.

Ironically enough I've often thought how thankful I am not to have been born in the age when "makeup" was what prostitutes wore. Not that I thought I would have been a prostitute but have often figured I would have been some chamber maid, never noticed by the prince. Even as I type that last sentence I completely loose my train of thought because I know I have truly been seen by the King...Wow...Humbled...

 Matt 7 NASB
²¹ “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter. ²² Many will say to Me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?’ ²³ And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; DEPART FROM ME, YOU WHO PRACTICE LAWLESSNESS.’

Day 3- God Healed My Speaker??

Did God heal my speaker? I don't know. Let me back up a bit and you can judge for yourself. Yesterday I had an errand to run after my husband got home so I managed to get out of the house by myself. When that happens I crank up the volume in my mommy mobile aka my van. The speaker on the front driver's side has not been working. Not too big of a deal. It does make this rattling sound but you can't really hear it if the volume is up loud enough. Anyway I was grumbling to myself that it was kind of annoying and that I wished it worked. After about a mile or so I noticed that the speaker started working. Totally cool. I'm not saying God healed it but it was still cool enough for me to feel like a dork for complaining about it in the first place. So I'm jamming down to some freaking awesome tunes, ran my errand, and as I head back home I get stopped at a stop light. I noticed the guy in the van next to mine had his windows down. It dawned on me that his air conditioner must not have been working. I immediately felt compassion for him since it was about 114 degrees out at the time. Spontaneously I thought "God if my speaker can randomly start working could you give this guy a little miracle and cause his ac to start working too?" This is probably crazy talk, I know, but what can I say? My mind is kind of a crazy place. Anyway of course my next thought was that I would even be willing to give up my fixed speaker if God would fix that guys ac. I was feeling pretty good about my selflessness in that moment for about a split second until my next thought: "Would you give up your ac for him?" Ouch because honestly before I put any rational thought into it my answer was resoundingly NO. What does this have to do with makeup? Well I think for me it's just another bite of humble pie. The whole idea of this fast is to look deeper and see myself the way Father sees me. Even though I know He created me beautiful I'd like to allow Him to perfect that beauty within and if that means giving of myself, letting go of all my pride then I hopelessly surrender because I know there is no way I can make it on my own.

I took my daughter to have a special lunch date with me and my husband today. Going to meet my husband at a restaurant was really intimidating with out makeup. I like to look good for my man and I like to know I look my best...well pretty much all the time. One thing I found interesting though was that I really wasn't any more self conscious then usual. Believe it or not I'm not super confident in the way I look or dress or speak and the list goes on. I'm loud and obnoxious, I interrupt and I never know for sure if I'm wearing the right shoes. I'm however, really good at blustering my way through pretty much any situation, awkward as they may be. So it was enlightening that the way I felt without makeup was pretty much the same way I feel all the time. It was maybe a little more intense but was still all too familiar. What does that mean? Could it be there is a deeper issue? I say that sarcastically because obviously there is. All I can say is that like everyone else, I'm running to the cross. Praying He changes me from the nothing that I am into something useful He can use. Loving Him, trusting Him along the way. And if I can be so bold (this is for you Liz ;)) as to quote Lady Gaga I'll say that I'm hanging on a moment with Him. I'm on the edge of glory.

Day 2- The Beautiful Me

My sweet niece Harlee. 

When I look at her I see perfection. Not one thing I'd change. What my Father sees when He looks at me? Perfection. Not a thing He'd change. He created me after all didn't He? He created my heart too. Like my face, there are things that I try to do to my heart also to change it for the "better." And like makeup there are things I need to let go of. Thankfully He never gives up on me. 

He sees my wretchedness and His answer is Jesus. His Amazing Grace.

Day 1- The Real Me

 

This is the real me, well sorta you can't see all my freckles, and there are a lot. No make up. Hah! As real as it gets for me since this was taken at 6 this morning. Imagine! I didn't break the camera after all!  

Today I helped a friend by watching her boys while she borrowed my car to take her daughter to the doctor since her car is in the shop. Funny how kids don't care about makeup. I had my four plus two and none of them seemed to notice. Even my 5 year old daughter who loves it when I let her have "sparkly eyes" didn't really care if I had makeup on or not. We played in the sprinkler and I jumped through with abandon, unafraid of smearing my mascara. I literally cannot remember the last time I didn't have mascara on. Putting mascara on is as normal for me as brushing my teeth every morning. It's just what happens, sometimes I reapply it later in the day. I very rarely even wash it off before I go to bed (don't judge). Several times today when I was tired or my eyes watered I had to remind myself that it was ok to just go ahead and full on rub my eye. No dabbing. It sounds so silly when I reread it but it's been so normal for me. One thing I realized today is that I'm going to for sure occasionally go without mascara. It's as freeing as not wearing shackles (ok that may be a bit dramatic but it has been a burden).

Wearing makeup makes me feel feminine and beautiful and I don't think that's a bad thing as long as it's not the source of my beauty. I decided to do something else to help me feel beautiful. I wore perfume. The expensive kind I save for very special occasions. I loved it. All through out the day when I got a whiff of it, it made me feel really good. I want my spirit to be as sweet as that perfume to God. I want Him to delight in me and I'm slowly starting to see how important obedience is to Him. Yes, He loves me anyway, no matter what but is there a measure of joy or satisfaction He gets when I obey? I think so because there is definitely a measure of joy that I feel when I do follow Him. It's a beautiful thing and it makes me feel beautiful.

What's up for tomorrow? Well more babysitting, visiting with family, and a piano lesson. Stay tuned, I know you can barely contain your excitement.

50 First Dates

I have to tell you an amazing thing that happened at church yesterday. Before church started I noticed a young woman, my age sit a few seats away from me. I immediately knew God wanted to tell her something but I didn't know what or if it was for me to tell her. All through Praise & Worship I was really trying to listen for Him and prepare myself. Believe it or not when it comes to speaking to someone on God's behalf I'm not real brave. (Why is that? Thank you Father for not giving up on me.) Then I had an unusual thought cross my mind. The movie 50 First Dates. You can google it if you haven't seen it but to sum it up it's about a woman who had an accident. She wakes up each morning thinking its the day of her accident and doesn't remember anything up until then. This guy meets her and falls in love with her each day but of course she doesn't remember him. Anyway it's not really a "christian" movie so you can understand my hesitance. But I really felt it strongly so during a break in worship before the message I introduced myself and asked her if she had ever seen the movie 50 First Dates. She looked at me kind of strange but said that she had seen it. I reminded her that even though the woman in the movie forgot that she was in love with this man each morning, that didn't stop him from pursuing her each day until she fell in love with him all over again. There were days she pushed him away or ignored him but it didn't stop him. He would just try again in the morning. I told her that's how God felt about her. How He pursued her each day no matter how the day before went. That she didn't even have to do anything or make any effort that all she had to do was respond. She wept and it was a very beautiful thing. I found out later that she was a visitor and that in the car on her way to church she was praying something like this "Please God I know you can't possibly love me with the way I've been acting but, please forgive me." So no wonder she started weeping!! Praise God! Oh how He loves us! It's a beautiful thing for us all to hear. He's in constant pursuit of us.

Fasting...From Makeup??

I'm not really sure where the idea came from. Wasn't really thinking about makeup, like a whisper the thought came to my mind. Give up makeup for a whole week. I immediately rejected the idea, obviously. I mean there is just no way I could possibly go without makeup. I spent almost a month in the Darien Jungle in Panama with no running water or electricity, at times in up to 125 degree weather and still wore makeup. Even when I don't really go anywhere I still apply at least a small amount. I don't like my freckles, and I have no eyelashes. It makes me feel good and pretty and I can vary it to fit my mood. I know I don't wear as much as some but honestly, I wear more then most and can't remember the last time I left my house with a naked face. So the thought of not wearing makeup to church or even to the grocery store freaks me out. But the more I started thinking about it the more I realized I didn't like that fear. I don't like knowing I receive value from anything or anyone other then God. He's my source of life, of being, of everything and to not be satisfied in the way He created me doesn't make me feel good. Now, I know this is probably getting into some controversial territory. Let me just say I am not starting any new doctrine (or an old one Hah!). I just feel like I have the opportunity to honor God in my obedience by fasting, of all things, make up. Although by next Sunday who knows how I'll feel about? I plan on going the next 7 days with out wearing makeup. None. No mascara, no eyeliner, not even a tinted sunscreen. And of course plan on keeping you apprised of how my day goes through each experience, from church, to grocery shopping, to giving piano lessons.This probably sounds very trivial to a lot of women out there who are used to going with out makeup all the time. But for me this really is going to be a big deal. I'm honestly absolutely terrified but I feel that gentle nudging of my heart and I know there is a lesson for me to learn and that excites me. So stay tuned, I'll let you know how it all goes.

Graham Cooke- The Nature of God

If you have the 20 minutes I highly recommend these videos.

Tribute to the Male Species

Most of the time I find myself wanting to pull my hair out when it comes to trying to figure out my man, but like everything else I try to look on the bright side. So with my limited knowledge of men (very limited) I decided to take what I know and see the good. I'll be speaking in absolutes but obviously I don't know everything and this is mostly based on my husbands personality. I know it's not Father's Day but I think our guys are pretty special and next time they do something very "male" that makes us crazy, let's try to look on the bright side because, honestly, we got it pretty good.

They really don't care what anyone else thinks. 
For example, we bought a new grill a few weeks ago and over the 4th of July weekend had some folks out. My husband was determined to keep the grill on the back porch even though every time the door opened the smoke detector in the house went off. I suggested moving the grill many times to no avail, and even when our friends suggested it he always shook his head and said "Nah I'm good." *sigh* Ok so things like that could make me crazy but when I think about the fact that when it comes to things like our family values and convictions, or the way we raise our kids...He's unmoving. He doesn't care what anyone else says and doesn't feel the need to explain why we do what we do. I can really appreciate this because I would tend to compromise what I believe for the sake of making others happy.

Just because they're not talking doesn't mean they aren't listening.
It used to make me crazy (hah! sometimes still does!) that my brothers or father, never just wanted to talk, or that when I talked they didn't really participate. Now I live with a man who is the same way. I would ask many times "hello? are you listening?" He always replies, "Yes babe, I'm listening." I don't think that when men get together to "chat" that they encourage the conversation like women do. You don't hear one guy saying to another "Oh sure, go on, what happened next?" But we like to hear things like that as we tell a story. And as frustrating as it can be I have had to remind myself of all the surprise gifts he's gotten me and I've thought to myself "wow he was listening." It's also really nice to know he's not sitting there thinking about what he wants to say, waiting for me to take a breath so he can jump in and interrupt (like I know I'm sometimes guilty of). If he doesn't have a reply right away, it's because he really was listening. And just because he's not saying anything doesn't mean he's holding out on you, just means he really doesn't have anything to say.

Like a rock.
I'll admit there have been times I've thought my man was a rock tied to a rope around my neck dragging me down. I always get these "brilliant" ideas and he always seems to squelch them. However, I can't tell you how many hair brained, crazy ideas he's kept me from running with by just saying "let's sleep on it." Would make me so crazy! Why won't they just move and do what we want?? But then I'd wake up the next day or the next day and realize he was right (gulp, don't tell him I said that!). I'm so glad I have a rock in my life and that he is tied around my neck! He keeps me grounded so that I'm free to be overly emotional, crazy full of life and energy, and free to go with the flow.

They look so good.
Men are, well, men. They have their own manly way of doing and seeing everything but sometimes it's best to embrace the difference. There is definitely a physical aspect that I love about my man. He's strong where I'm weak, and hard where I'm soft. After I ask him to do something, like move a giant piece of furniture up or down the stairs, he often asks me "You know I'm not really Superman right?" I always look at him like "well, of course you are" and almost always he really can do it. He can always get the lid off the pickle jar, reach the top shelf, take even our 5 year old on airplane rides, and right after I was pregnant and the nurse wouldn't let me go to the NICU to see my baby until I was able to put myself in my wheelchair, he was able to pick me up and put me there when she wasn't looking. Even if your man isn't the most physically fit, there is something about the male body that get's us every time.


These are just a few things. What's something about your man that makes you crazy but is really a good thing? Post a comment, I'd love to hear about it.

I Will Dance

Recently a bunch of youth from our church went to John 3:16 Mission to help with their VBS. One of the students was telling a story about how the kids weren't really very well behaved. How it was really hard teaching the lesson because of how loud they were all being. Then her attitude changes as she begins to tell about the praise and worship experience. She said the the kids singing and dancing just made everything all better. It put a smile on her face and made it all worth it. Just watching them dance, changed everything. Their joy and delight as they lost themselves in the music was really something to see.
It made me think about how God delights in our praise and our dancing before Him. I know that even if I never did He would still love me with a passion but I wonder if my praise "makes it all worth it" so to speak. It's like all my faults just melt away and He's as joyful in that moment as I am. I know He never gives up on me but does He tire of my constant complaining? Does He long to hear my voice full of thankfulness? I think He delights when I loose myself and dance like David. I think it releases something between us. Releases the tension some how. Releases blessing. It probably makes us easier to work with, to teach, when we turn to Him with praise and express ourselves in the freedom He offers.

So let's dance today. It makes everything a little better.

Psalm 89:5 MSG
...The Right and Justice are the roots of your rule; Love and Truth are its fruits. Blessed are the people who know the passwords of praise, who shout on parade in the bright presence of God. Delighted, they dance all day long; they know who you are, what you do—they can't keep it quiet! Your vibrant beauty has gotten inside us— you've been so good to us! We're walking on air! All we are and have we owe to God, Holy God of Israel, our King!

Red Jello

When God is your best friend you can talk to Him about things and trust that He sees your heart. For example this morning I was talking to the Lord about some stuff. Mostly asking "When God?" concerning some of my hearts desires. These are mostly "wants" not "needs" but I am totally content at where I'm at right now so I could trust Him with these things that I long for knowing I won't be misunderstood. I was praying as I was mopping the red jello off the floor (mind you I can't remember the last time we actually had red jello) and the thought crossed my mind that even though I know my kids absolutely delight in red jello, it's just not worth it. It stains everything and gets everywhere and most of the time they can't really eat it anyway because it's so hard to pick up. My next thought? That these things that I want, well, it's kind of like red jello. Even though God knows it will make me happy, He sees things from a perspective that I don't. He sees the mess it would make in my life right now. I hear myself telling Lydia and Alex, "We'll have red jello again when you're a little older, that way you'll enjoy it more." And even though I am a bit disappointed, I know He has my best interests at heart. After all, jello might not be in my near future but no one said anything about cookies. I can delight in the wonderful things in my life now and know with absolute certainty He is good.

Psalm 103 NASB
 ¹ Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And all that is within me, bless His holy name.
² Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And forget none of His benefits;
³ Who pardons all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases;
⁴ Who redeems your life from the pit,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;
⁵ Who satisfies your years with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle.

5k Anyone?

Ok so it hit me today as I was running on the treadmill, (yes I know it's hard to imagine ME running but I promise I totally was). When things get tough, you gotta just push through it. When I'm "running" and I feel like my chest is about to explode, instead of slowing down, I bump up my speed for at least 30 seconds before slowing down. That way the next time I feel like stopping I can tell myself "you know you can do this for at least 30 more seconds." (Listening to one of my favorite running songs doesn't hurt either.) And I realized that for me when things get tough in my life, and I feel alone, and like God is no where around, that's not the time to quit. That's when I need to push it even harder. That's when I need to run with everything I have straight into His arms. Push through the pain, run past the fear. For me I've found that no matter how far I thought I was...turns out He was a lot closer then I thought. He always catches me when I throw myself into His arms. Not only that, I find that He's been running beside me all along. The really cool thing? The next time it gets hard and I feel alone I can tell myself "remember last time, He's right there." And He always is.

Heb 12 NASB 
¹ Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
 ³ For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Filled to Overflowing

We've all probably heard teachings where our hearts are compared to a tea cup and that God can't fill us with His "stuff" if we're already full of our own "stuff." Although I think in a way this can be true, another thought contrary to this crossed my mind while I was washing a baby bottle. I'm sure most moms, like me have had those days where the dishwasher is full of dirty dishes, the sink is full, and half the sippy cups and baby bottles have been lost and forgotten all around the house. Well I was having one of those days when Bret was ready for his bottle. I found one and started washing it. I always put a little soap in the bottle and sponge as I clean it and then after I've scrubbed it all over I let the water fill the bottle to overflowing until no more suds come out so the milk doesn't taste like soap. (Please tell me I'm not the only mom out there who does this?) Anyway as I was washing the bottle I thought, ya know, I really hope that it's like this instead of the tea cup scenario. Let me try and put into words what my brain processed in half a second. I truly believe that we can't change ourselves for the better on our own. What I felt though in my heart was that if I just stay under the water, or in God's presence He will overwhelm my soul and fill my heart to overflowing to where there isn't room for anything else. We all come to Him the same, needing His grace and mercy, all falling short. For some maybe there is a radical, miraculous transformation but for most of us it's a journey of learning His ways. I don't wake up in the morning and on my own become this gentle, joyful, loving creature. I'm pretty harsh, with a sharp tongue and and extremely judgmental and critical eye. Those things come naturally to me, I can't fix it on my own. I can't pluck it out of my heart no matter how I try or how much I long to have that gentle, kind spirit. It takes an act of surrender on my part, a willingness to trust Him and stay in the flow but the reward is worth it. The reward is being utterly washed in His fullness. Imagine being that bottle under the faucet, filled to overflowing to where the only thing that remains is the water. His love and joy that it spills out onto other people without me even trying. A little bit of dish soap goes a long way, (especially if you put it in the dishwasher).

Romans 15 NIV
¹³ May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. 

 

Radar

There is an issue I have been struggling with. The details really aren't important, but what is important is that I have been struggling with it for a while. I decided to really bring it before the Lord...again. I was reading the Bible this morning in 1 Cor. 2 and I was getting a lot out of it. It's a passage I've read many times but I was enlightened in a new way today. The funny thing is, I really didn't see how it had anything to do with the burden I've been carrying. So of course I informed the Lord of this, ya know, like "Yeah this is really good God but what does it have to do with my 'stuff'" HAH! Picture me informing HIM of what He needs to teach ME. Anyway, He very gently and lovingly whispers to my heart that my "stuff" isn't even on His radar. "Radar," that's the word that was impressed on my heart. This thing I've asked for forgiveness for countless times and has been weighing me down isn't even on His radar? How can that be? It has seemed so big to me, so terrible, has made me feel like a bad person and yet it's not even on His radar? Near weeping I thank Him for bringing me to this scripture:

1 Cor 2 NIV: 
 ⁷ ...we declare God’s wisdom, a mystery that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began. ⁸ None of the rulers of this age understood it, for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory. ⁹ However, as it is written:
   “What no eye has seen,
   what no ear has heard,
and what no human mind has conceived”
   the things God has prepared for those who love him—
 ¹⁰ these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit.
   The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. ¹¹ For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. ¹² What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us. ¹³ This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual realities with Spirit-taught words. ¹⁴ The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit. ¹⁵ The person with the Spirit makes judgments about all things, but such a person is not subject to merely human judgments, ¹⁶ for,
   “Who has known the mind of the Lord
   so as to instruct him?”
   But we have the mind of Christ.

I've been dealing with a lie that keeps crawling into my brain but the truth is I have the mind of Christ. Not because I'm some super "christian" but because I have received the Spirit that is from God. The Spirit that knows the deep things of Him, that speaks to me, not in words taught by humans, but in words taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual realities. Even though my mind has not seen, or heard, or conceived what God has for me, the one who loves Him, the Spirit has and He lives in me. These insignificant issues I have not been letting go of, that have been weighing me down with fear and insecurity, that have made me feel like less of a "christian" aren't even on His radar. I am not one of those people who considers the things of God foolish. I am, at least, starting to understand what He has given me freely. His love. His forgiveness. His mercy. His compassion. Wisdom. His Spirit. A mind like His. And the list goes on. Don't let anything get in the way of what He has given you. Nothing is more significant to God then your relationship with Him. If I went to my best friend apologizing over and over for the same thing even though she forgave me the first time I believe she would finally say to me "Katie, that's not even an issue, it's not even on my radar."
Being loved by Him isn't something I should have to work at receiving. I don't have to do anything to be good enough. I have, and know these things because I have His Spirit.


Now something that blows my mind? What is on His radar? When I think of radar I think of that little screen on submarines you see in the movies. You know, with the little blinking dot, beep, beep? How many miles does that cover? I guess if you think in terms like that, His radar would be the whole world? What about abstract things like the hearts of all mankind, world peace? That thought could make me feel really small in comparison but how awesome is it that with literally the whole world on His mind His thoughts are for me? And YOU.

Motherhood Is a Calling (And Where Your Children Rank)

Was recently sent this article in an email. Couldn't have said it better myself and just had to share. As a young mother of three I can attest that the grocery store is definitely hostile territory. Hope this encourages you the way it did me.


A few years ago, when I just had four children and when the oldest was still three, I loaded them all up to go on a walk. After the final sippy cup had found a place and we were ready to go, my two-year-old turned to me and said, “Wow! You have your hands full!”


She could have just as well said, “Don’t you know what causes that?” or “Are they all yours?!”


Everywhere you go, people want to talk about your children. Why you shouldn’t have had them, how you could have prevented them, and why they would never do what you have done. They want to make sure you know that you won’t be smiling anymore when they are teenagers. All this at the grocery store, in line, while your children listen.
A Rock-Bottom Job?


The truth is that years ago, before this generation of mothers was even born, our society decided where children rank in the list of important things. When abortion was legalized, we wrote it into law.


Children rank way below college. Below world travel for sure. Below the ability to go out at night at your leisure. Below honing your body at the gym. Below any job you may have or hope to get. In fact, children rate below your desire to sit around and pick your toes, if that is what you want to do. Below everything. Children are the last thing you should ever spend your time doing.


If you grew up in this culture, it is very hard to get a biblical perspective on motherhood, to think like a free Christian woman about your life, your children. How much have we listened to partial truths and half lies? Do we believe that we want children because there is some biological urge, or the phantom “baby itch”? Are we really in this because of cute little clothes and photo opportunities? Is motherhood a rock-bottom job for those who can’t do more, or those who are satisfied with drudgery? If so, what were we thinking?
It's Not a Hobby


Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for.


Christian mothers carry their children in hostile territory. When you are in public with them, you are standing with, and defending, the objects of cultural dislike. You are publicly testifying that you value what God values, and that you refuse to value what the world values. You stand with the defenseless and in front of the needy. You represent everything that our culture hates, because you represent laying down your life for another—and laying down your life for another represents the gospel.


Our culture is simply afraid of death. Laying down your own life, in any way, is terrifying. Strangely, it is that fear that drives the abortion industry: fear that your dreams will die, that your future will die, that your freedom will die—and trying to escape that death by running into the arms of death.
Run to the Cross


But a Christian should have a different paradigm. We should run to to the cross. To death. So lay down your hopes. Lay down your future. Lay down your petty annoyances. Lay down your desire to be recognized. Lay down your fussiness at your children. Lay down your perfectly clean house. Lay down your grievances about the life you are living. Lay down the imaginary life you could have had by yourself. Let it go.


Death to yourself is not the end of the story. We, of all people, ought to know what follows death. The Christian life is resurrection life, life that cannot be contained by death, the kind of life that is only possible when you have been to the cross and back.


The Bible is clear about the value of children. Jesus loved them, and we are commanded to love them, to bring them up in the nurture of the Lord. We are to imitate God and take pleasure in our children.
The Question Is How


The question here is not whether you are representing the gospel, it is how you are representing it. Have you given your life to your children resentfully? Do you tally every thing you do for them like a loan shark tallies debts? Or do you give them life the way God gave it to us—freely?


It isn’t enough to pretend. You might fool a few people. That person in line at the store might believe you when you plaster on a fake smile, but your children won’t. They know exactly where they stand with you. They know the things that you rate above them. They know everything you resent and hold against them. They know that you faked a cheerful answer to that lady, only to whisper threats or bark at them in the car.


Children know the difference between a mother who is saving face to a stranger and a mother who defends their life and their worth with her smile, her love, and her absolute loyalty.
Hands Full of Good Things


When my little girl told me, “Your hands are full!” I was so thankful that she already knew what my answer would be. It was the same one that I always gave: “Yes they are—full of good things!”


Live the gospel in the things that no one sees. Sacrifice for your children in places that only they will know about. Put their value ahead of yours. Grow them up in the clean air of gospel living. Your testimony to the gospel in the little details of your life is more valuable to them than you can imagine. If you tell them the gospel, but live to yourself, they will never believe it. Give your life for theirs every day, joyfully. Lay down pettiness. Lay down fussiness. Lay down resentment about the dishes, about the laundry, about how no one knows how hard you work.


Stop clinging to yourself and cling to the cross. There is more joy and more life and more laughter on the other side of death than you can possibly carry alone.


Rachel Jankovic is a wife, homemaker, and mother. She is the author of "Loving the Little Years" and blogs at Femina. Her husband is Luke, and they have five children: Evangeline (5), Daphne (4), Chloe (2), Titus (2), and Blaire (5 months).

Just Another Weed

We started a new series at church, going through the parables Jesus gave. Sunday one of the pastors spoke on the parable of the wheat and the weeds.

Matt. 13 NIV
²⁴ Jesus told them another parable: “The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field. ²⁵ But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away. ²⁶ When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared.
   ²⁷ “The owner’s servants came to him and said, ‘Sir, didn’t you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?’
   ²⁸ “‘An enemy did this,’ he replied.
   “The servants asked him, ‘Do you want us to go and pull them up?’
   ²⁹ “‘No,’ he answered, ‘because while you are pulling the weeds, you may uproot the wheat with them. ³⁰ Let both grow together until the harvest. At that time I will tell the harvesters: First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn.’”

Since Sunday I've really begun to see this parable take shape in my own life in a few different ways. I can see how my life as a whole is the entire field of wheat and how there are weeds there. I can also see my world as the field and how there are both kinds of people in my life. But the main thing I've been getting out of this parable is this. In either scenario God did not want the weeds removed because of His love for the wheat. No matter how overwhelming the "weed's" influence seems to be, the only reason it's there is because His love is so strong He doesn't want to even possibly harm the wheat. He lets me grow and gradually shows me the things in my life that need changing. This is a big eye opener when I think of other people and their walk with the Lord. If I see something I think isn't right it's not for me to walk over and rip out a "weed." If there are things in my life, circumstances or past hurts, that bring me pain and cause me to question, I can see it as weeds in a field of wheat. I see them as opportunities for God to show me even more of His love. Bad things happen and hurting people hurt people but it's only by the love and grace of the Father that He hasn't ripped out all the bad from our life. I long for the day that the harvesters come and separate the good from the bad. Until then I choose to believe my God is good and if there are weeds in my heart or life, I trust His purposes and the confidence I have from knowing it's all because of His love. There is a bigger picture, thankfully, if it was all about me and my world, well...you'd all be in for a world of hurt.

Stick With It

Recently God has put someone on my heart to really show His unconditional love to. This person has rejected me, my love, and His love, every step of the way and has even gone as far as to say some hateful and untrue things about me in a public forum as a way of lashing out and trying to hurt me. Hurting people hurt people. Luckily I don't find the definition of my value and worth in what any one says about me or does to me so it's easy to forgive. A friend was sharing with me recently something he has learned through trying to shine his light to those living in darkness. He said "You know God really is concerned about that person, He wants to reach them, but He's trying to teach you something too. He's building character in you. He's showing you the meaning of long suffering." Man that really hit home for me and I am compelled to share. The rejection you may receive when you try and shine your light to others is just another thing God can use to build character in your heart. He's teaching me the definition of long suffering. He's giving me a more intimate look into His hurting heart when others reject Him. It's building my trust in Him and He's softening my heart towards those who are living in darkness.

My hearts cry today? The song Hosanna by Brook Fraser. 
....open up my eyes to the things unseen, show me how to love like You have loved me. break my heart for what breaks Yours, everything i am for Your kingdoms cause, as i walk from earth into eternity....

Galatians 5 MSG
 ^22-23But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.

Go ahead and push His buttons

I took my kids to the sprinkler park today. They always have such fun there. The different sprinklers have these little knobs that you push that turns the water on. The park does this so the sprinklers aren't running constantly and they don't waste water. All the little knobs are at the perfect height for the kids and they really love pushing the buttons. I love watching them play. I love seeing their little faces light up in different expressions from the shock of the cold water and the shear joy of their play. It's like the water has a life of it's own. It's just waiting beneath the surface for someone to come a long and push the button. I think God is a lot like that. I think He's just waiting for us to come a long and tap into what He has. Once we lean into Him we are showered with His goodness. His love rains down on us bubbling up from an unending supply. He'll never run out of mercy, or love. He never shuts it off. Lets dance in the rain today. Lets spread our arms wide and let it saturate our very being. I love how the button is always right were we need it to be able to reach it. It's different for everyone. He knows just where you are and He's made Himself available to you.

 In this picture Lydia was standing in a dry place but what she didn't see above her was a bucket filling to overflowing ready to dump out all over her. She moved at the last second and missed the water. As smart and determined as she is though, she quickly learned that if she pushed the button the bucket would fill again and if she was patient she would feel the overwhelming deluge of water over her entire body. In my life right now I feel like I'm in a constant, steady stream of love. I know with a certainty that when I "press that button" He'll be there. It doesn't always look like the way I thought but with out a doubt there is joy. It hasn't always been that way and I know for some you're standing in a dry place, waiting. Just wait because what you don't see is the bucket filling up right above your head about to topple over your life.

For others, well, all you need to do is push the button.

Isaiah 30 NIV
¹⁸ Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
   therefore he will rise up to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
   Blessed are all who wait for him!